messybrokenandalive - Tumblr blog

[messybrokenandalive]

This has all broke me. Doesn’t no one understand how hard it is, to go through what I’ve been though this year and keep going? It’s painful. It’s tiring. It feels like I can’t breathe. I’m just floating through each day. Floating through the nights. It’s survival now, not living.

I’m getting so much of my life back now, why aren’t I happy? Oh yeah. Because I’ve lost so much. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just play along now. I don’t say how I feel, what I think, what I want to do. I can’t anymore, I don’t know who I am!

I wish that man was never in that forest. I wish I never got down the way I did. I wish... I wish this ended months ago.

I really do wish.

[messybrokenandalive]

So I’m back.

So, I’m back. Back on this app trying to find some sense in why the hell I decide to still be here. Why the fuck I wake up everyday and try to make it a good one. What even is a good day? Do they exsist? All I know for sure, is I don’t want to be here. Not here, as in laying in my boyfriends bed; I mean HERE... alive.

The only reason I’m still here, is because I can’t dare part myself from Riley. He’s why I live. But he’s not well, and he won’t be here much longer. And I don’t even get to be with him. I miss him so much.

I have no one to turn to.. no one that will understand. No one that knows what to say. In fact, I think some people go out of they’re way to do and say the wrong things. I’m not happy anymore, and saying ‘you’ll be fine’ or ‘you’ve been through worse’ doesn’t help. I’m not happy, and that’s that. It’s not like anyone is trying to make me happy anyway. Instead, I’m running round after everyone else making sure no one feels the way I do everyday. It’s mental. But it’s my life.

I sit often and scroll through my contacts to see if there’s anyone I could phone, but to aveil. It’s beyond a joke. The people I want to talk to, won’t speak to me all because of who I use to be. It’s stupid. I’m not that person anymore, and everything I ever did had a reason. But no one ever wants to hear what I’ve got to say, or how I feel. No one cares.

Literally. No. One. Cares.

Not enough to keep me here much longer. So here’s my promise to myself. Live for Riley and go with Riley. When my baby goes, I’m going too. I can survive that long, right? Surely? Let’s hope.

My only happiness, comes from the thought of taking my own life. I’ve never wanted anything more.

Remind me how I got this state. Wait... don’t. I know how I got here, but no one cares so I’ll spare you the details. I’m not even sorry.

Here’s to my promise😔

[messybrokenandalive]

I stay alive for like 3 people lol

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[messybrokenandalive]

I want to do things with my life but I also want to bury myself in a forest and let the moss grow over me so where does that leave us

[messybrokenandalive]

I’m afraid I’ve made no impact in anyone’s life. If I was gone for a long time, they’d forget I was ever there to begin with. This skin I wear and the mind within me will always hold a fear that my presence was never near anyone’s heart. How can someone enjoy my presence if they feel nothing during my absence?

Sad existence. // Written by J.A.Fiddy ( @jarfidd )

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‘Best’ mate, left me.

[messybrokenandalive]

[messybrokenandalive]

Past 48ish hours

Wow. Let’s have story time.

Yesterday morning. I woke up wrapped up in the arms of the man I love. I woke up happy, having kisses and cuddles whilst he rolled around doing his crocky morning voice. It was so perfect. Actually, it was one of the only good things that happened that day. Anyway, I rolled out of bed and made my way home to get ready for a day of birthday celebrations and fun. If only it turned out that way. I went home, got ready and once Alex and Andrew showed up, we made our way to the town. (It took me all week to make alex agree to go and stay at my sisters birthday like she promised my sister she would do... alex has changed.)

Anyway. We got to town and met Rob (a friend of mine who is okay in small doses but makes me very uncomfortable). We got clothes and looked round shops. I went and bugged Tinkerbell at work. It was all good... well so said my fake smile. By this point the world was crashing down on me and putting its weight on my shoulders. I felt weak. Ryan was apparently after me, but I’m more intimidated by a leaf if I’m completely honest.

My better half and Tinkerbell both noticed that something wasn’t right. I guess others didn’t care enough to notice. The day went on and we hung around town. I had a mixed spliff and watched as the world went to a haze. The weight was gone. But I was emotional... and stoned... and... braking. As much as there is going on, I was dreading this party. A whole night of questions playing like a broken record and insults being stabbed in me like a knife. Alex, Andrew and Rob went into McDonalds to get some dinner... I still had any food stay in my system for 4 days, so I wasn’t even interested. Tinkerbell come to see me, and I broke. I kept trying to make a joke out my current life situation, but she could see every bit of pain I was feeling. I told her everything. She went home with my shit on her plate. That wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have done that... but I have no control over myself at the moment. I’m just... floating.

Shortly after, everyone got in the cab and we was on our way to my biggest nightmare. Don’t get me wrong, I was so happy to see my family again after a long time, but the consequences of that were burning my fake smile down, no sweat. We arrived and all was well and good. I caught up with some people, thought alex was going to stay, (she left me, again. And without even saying goodbye too... she even didn’t tell she was leaving, dad told me. Thanks for hurting me that little bit more after I sat and begged you stay because the questions were starting and I couldn’t cope.) Anyway, I heard people talking about my man, I wish they were saying nicer things. I heard the children as were he was, and my sister explaining that they won’t be seeing him anymore. It genuinely felt like someone was ripping my heart out. My stomach felt empty, so I poured more and more vodka down my throat. I drank 3 bottles last night. Auntie Liz, who had one to many, told me that I was wrong for being with him. That he is a waste of space, and that he will bring me down. Told me I’ve become ‘a beautiful young woman, who could have the world’ but I didn’t have to balls to tell her that I got the world when I started calling him mine. Instead I just kept saying I know how it looks but let me make my own choices. She questioned me about money, and if I’ve been banned from anything yet. Oh, and if it was him messaging me. I wish it was him messaging me.

My sister in law has officially decided that I can’t see my nephew join the angels in the clouds next Thursday. Just because I can only afford £50 worth of the flowers, and what she wants is £80. Sorry, I’m not made of money. I hardly get any... I’m barely scraping by at this point. So my handsome little fidgit, will be sent off without me. I’m banned from saying goodbye.

Oh. And they tried to get me to eat. Not good. I was sick everywhere. I felt so bad. But at least I had the drink to blame it on, well I did until Andy (second dad) came and spoke to me. He always knew how to get things out of me, even though we never really see eye to eye. I told him that I’ve stopped eating. I’ll eat to make people happy, and then force myself to throw up. I told him that my ex is giving me shit, and Just the thought of him brings it all back. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m worthless. Not good enough. Cheap. Ergh.. I hate him. But Andy told me that if I like my body then why change it. He made me promise to try eating again, knowing that I can’t brake a promise for shit. I promised... with my fingers crossed. I am trying though. It just feels normal to destroy myself, yunno?

The night was bluffing after that. I don’t remember much. I felt so ill. I realised how low I’ve really gotten. As if the note wasn’t enough of a wake up call. I’m worse than 2014, I’m just better at hiding it now.

I woke up this morning, to a message saying, ‘Haylee has been taken into the care of her grandparents, and is asking for you to visit her one last time before she leaves’. Yep, you guessed it. She’s getting taken away. Katie didn’t even get to fight. Ffs. I hate this! Katie did nothing wrong.. the fucking sperm donor is in the fucking wrong. URGH.

I read a few things on tumblr this morning too. Anyway. This other girl was a broken 16 year old wanna be, who was desperate for MY gay best friend to be hers. That’s my Andrew bitch, and jails provide vegan food.

After we finally got rid of her, we went to Ciarans and spoke to him about the past week. At last we made a brake through. Well I think we did. Time to start moving forward with our lives and our future together. And incase you can’t tell, from what I wrote further up this post; I will not give up on him just because of my family. I never knew what falling in love felt like, until he come along and showed me.

I rumbled Home, and from there, it all just hit me. To add to it, my little boy had the biggest fit he has ever had. I’m pretty shaken. I’m now overthinking, laying here depressed and anxious. My boyfriend is getting stoned tonight so I’m paranoid too. I trust him, but I don’t trust my past as it has a habit of repeating itself. I’m trying not to cut rn too but I don’t think that will last... I’m sorry if I cut again, I don’t mean too.

I’m off to cry, try not to self harm (or worse) and continue to throw up my dinner.

Right... fuck of tumblr. I have a feeling you won’t be my friend tonight.

Goodbye.

[messybrokenandalive]

mess. mumuSHa''a' SoH? vItoDmeH jIHvaD vo' jIH nuq laH vIta' ghIj. SeH lujta' jIH. HIQaH?!