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31.07.22
Mogla sam biti tko želim.
U gradu slobode, bez glupih pitanja.
Vidjela sam slobodu
i polizala joj sljepoočnice.
Zaboravila sam poštovanje.
Zaboravila granice.
Htjela sam sve.
I odmah.
Dala mi je sve. I još više.
Možda i previše.
Zavirila sam u kutove sebe
koje nisam trebala znati.
I ti su kutovi postali srž, sredina.
Trebala sam ih ostaviti na svom mjestu.
Diviti im se s vremena na vrijeme,
ne živjeti tamo predugo.
Ali nisam.
Proširila sam ih.
Sjedinila sa svime što jesam.
Posložila da nitko ne primijeti
ludilo koje sam iz kutova izvukla.
Svaki šesti dan brisala prašinu.
Svaki sedmi dan lagala da ću sve vratiti.
Pa bih opet, ujutro,
pobrisala prašinu,
posložila to u prihvatljivu lažnu cjelinu,
i opet počela brojati.
Polizala slobodi sljepoočnice.
Htjela sam sve.
I dobila sam više nego što sam tražila.
Sad, na koljenima, molim
da odbrojavanje ne počne.
Počelo je.
I neće stati.
Čak ni kad nestanem.
Ako vidiš slobodu,
pozdravi je.
Nakloni se.
Budi zahvalan što je tu.
Ali nemoj joj, jebote,
lizati sljepoočnice.
Jer početi će,
i neće stati.
Čak ni kad nestaneš.
Veće je od nas,
ili nas samo čini manjima.
Kutove sredi, pobrisi,
divi im se kad god,
ali ne razmještaj ih.
A ako si već u odbrojavanju,
daj mi ruku da pobijedimo.
Stanimo na “dva” i odmorimo se.
Kažu da je moguće.
Sjećam se da je bilo.
Samo treba vratiti jebene kutove.
Sjećaš li se gdje su bili?
Ni ja.
Šest.
Pet.
Četiri.
Tri.
Dva.
Jesi li još tu?
Ili te sloboda uzela?
Jebote, zašto si razmjestio kutove?
Liz po liz.
Kraj.
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od nakita je nosila teret pogrešnih odluka
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Čekanje se isplati samo onome ko je sledeći na redu
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30.04.2024 Taxi razgovor
Otkad jabuka zna kad je spremna
Nego kad je sunce doradi onda je spremna
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2024
Prvo pitanje bilo je: Zašto?
Drugo je bilo: zašto sam si to dozvolila?
Treće pitanje bilo je isto, ali kontekst potpuno drukčiji.
Htjela sam znati sto sam dobivala od tebe, da me toliko držalo iako mi je sve ostalo stalo. Potpuno sam stala zaokupljena tobom i pitanjima.
Sto se događa s nama? Sto se događa s tobom? Zašto ti se sviđam? Da li mi sad živimo skupa? Da li me ostavljaš? Zašto si ipak tu? Misliš li i dalje da lažem? Zašto bi bio s nekim za koga misliš da laže? Hoćeš li biti u stanu kad se vratim? A sutra? Moram li smisliti ručak ili ćeš biti tamo pa bolje da se ne petljam? Ako se ne petljam ispadam li lijena? Ako se upetljam hoce li ispasti krivo? Da li me želi? Da li misli da ga ne želim? Može li se ono nazvati razgovorom?
Nisam imala odgovore kada si ih tražio. Bila sam puna pitanja i trotocki. Moj život bio mi je enigma, sljedeći potez potpuna nepoznanica. Uzela sam bijes koji si mi ostavio i krenula razbijati valove veslima. Kada ne znaš odgovore, samo idi - dok ih ne nađeš.
Mislila sam da ću doci do zaključka vezanih za nas odnos, ali završila sam u dubini puno kompleksnijeg područja - sebe.
Sva pitanja koja sam imala za tebe, izbjegavala sam postaviti sebi.
Gdje smo? Hoćemo li ovdje ostati? Je li nam dobro? Kamo idemo? Koji je plan za danas? A za sutra? Hoćeš li biti tu za mene? Sto misliš da moramo napraviti da nam bude bolje? Čega te strah i zašto? Sto ćemo izbjegavati?
Svemir me natjerao da stanem i usporim. Šapnuo gdje mogu početi tražiti odgovore. Izbacila sam sve svoje stvari u sredinu stana, i bacila sve ono sto vise nisam. Na Božić ponovno uselila sebi u život. I ovaj put odlučila ostati.
Gdje smo? Na putu, zajedno
Hoćemo li ovdje ostati? Ostajemo jedna uz drugu uvijek. Ti si moje doma.
Je li nam dobro? Dobro je dok te grlim kroz suze i smijeh
Kamo idemo? Tamo gdje nam oči sjaje, noge plesu i duša miruje
Koji je plan za danas? Dati sve od sebe
A za sutra? Isto.
Hoćeš li biti tu za mene? Tu sam ja, i svaki dio mene sačuvan u našem plemenu
Sto misliš da moramo napraviti da nam bude bolje? Ne stati. Vjerovati u alkemiju stvari i energije. Ulozi, dobij, vrati i moci ćeš opet uložiti
Cega te strah i zašto? Rada na nama, jer me strah neuspjeha.
Sto trebamo izbjegavati? Ništa. Osjetit ćemo svaki dio života, ali uvijek birati ono čemu idemo dovoljno blizu da nas promijeni.
Ako se desi da ti kažem da sam tu, a ti se okreneš i shvatiš da sam zastala ili pala, čekaj i doci ću. Obećajem.
(Nadam se da je ovo istina)
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Zapetljali se kao veš na buri
a nikoga nije bilo doma
da ga pokupi
I štriku smo bili teški
dok je sunce blijedilo boje
Najavili su kišu
ali rasuli smo se prije
nego sto je smog ispran
Na svom kraju ulice
osjetim težinu kiše koja udara
ali ne po meni
Dobro sam.
21.02.2024
15:53
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‘You should do yoga or dance’
they said as I was not close friend
with the weight on my shoulders
that’s been destroying my back
Because nobody said I should brace myself
‘You should remain soft’
They said as they teared out my insides
through my soft belly
once made to carry life
now holds unspeakable trauma
‘You should be feminine’
They said as if my hands did not get dirty
In order to survive the world crafted
by their rules and long hours
where only wolves survive
So I chose heavy and cold
as that will prepare me for this life
dripping steel in sweat until
my head goes silent
and one goal remains
- to push through.
Thank you for the advice,
but I’ll choose my own heavy load
and carry it with grace and respect
as I’m more than it meets the eye
and my shoulders refuse to tremble one again
Under what is thrown at me
Because I know I will push through
11.03.2024
23:20
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I wouldn’t trust me when I go quiet.
Was quiet with you for the last 3 months
Remember?
Proper traditional women
leading her battles in silence
just as you wished, remember?
Patiently waited to see if you’ll stumble,
unable to find the light once more
and drag us down with you
Slowly sinked into a familiar bed
crafted out of ashes that will
meld my spirit back together
I swallowed my tears
and screamed into the void
shattering every remaining piece of hate
I am the Divine feminine
drawing strength from the love
discovering it amidst the pain
So I thank the heavens for this rebirth
and count my blessings
before stepping into another challenge
And we will not cross paths again
for the girl you once knew has faded away
and the women left standing
won’t deem you worthy
Those pieces became seeds for the roots
and the spring called out the most
beautiful branches singing with joy
My consciences now respelled
different, yet somehow the same
Welcoming the redefined energy
that now gives energy to my heart
Back to the baseline of my being
spine straight like an arrow
ready to fly it’s path and take down
any soul that stands in the way
14.03.2024
12:16
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I think I might be ready to forgive
you killed that innocent girl
Because the women left standing
does not fear the ones like you
They can try to rip me apart to peaces
but my essence is not material
it was built on a promise to myself
to never fall that low again
So keep the peaces and choke on them
29.03.2024
21:30
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Disregulated
once again
Pressure
once again
Was in love with the pressure I was applying
Was in love with the grind
But once you stop
the pressure comes onto you
Same but different
dropping all the balls
realizing they were heavy as stones
as they hit my body
Selling my time and soul
getting 22 days of leave in return
that need to be approved
365 days of food and roof over my head
sweating over the bills
and 22 days of leave that need to be approved
Forget about life
Welcome to surviving
18.04.2024
14:00
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365 days of food and roof over my head
bills drenched with sweat
and 22 precious days of leave
pending approval
Forget about life
Welcome to survival
Where you work for the money
but it never works for you
Everything you desire
fades into the background
as you take care of necessities
survive first, live later
Forget about life
Welcome to survival
Where you work for the money
but it never works for you
Everything you desire
fades into the background
as you take care of necessities
survival first, living later
Don’t let them see you struggle
Don’t let them see you dream
When work rarely works for you
escape to save that light in your eyes
18.04.2024
15:38h
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First Encounter
When I first saw him
in an orange sweater,
his soft eyes, his tender touch.
Our hips swayed in sync,
as if they’d learned to move
through lifetimes together.
In that moment, I heard a promise of love.
I opened my heart, my soul,
trusted my intuition,
quieted my fears.
He was always almost here,
just a few steps away
from revealing his soul.
But then I shattered everything
by asking, "What are we?"
as if I wasn’t really asking,
"What am I to you?"
He came and went as he pleased,
leaving me in a home full of us,
constantly praying he’d return
I wanted to pray for other things,
but there was no time, no space.
In that home, he left me confused,
deciding to leave,
breaking my trust,
stomping on my love.
I slowly began to gather the pieces of myself,
packed all my love for him in a box,
and threw it to the back of my existence.
Yet still, I felt him there,
so I fought for months in every way I knew
to shut it down,
to stop waiting.
He wasn’t a devil,
I saw his hurt in all of this,
but I had to harden my heart
to let him go.
Second Encounter
All the energy I spent deciphering us,
I used to rebuild myself.
I called my tribe to witness and celebrate,
but there he was again,
same time, same place,
and all my love came rushing back.
We promised to try again,
but a promise without accountability is hollow.
A fresh start never truly existed.
To begin anew, you must confront the wounds,
share them, let them heal.
They say you can never be with the same person twice,
and I have witnessed this to be the truth
but if you face your depths,
it could be different—better.
Once again, I had to shift my energy.
He wanted things to happen fast,
but I tried to go slow.
It felt like he didn’t truly want me back
but to relive our beginning
I kept shouting about my rights,
hurting myself with racing thoughts,
avoiding the real connection.
I had sacrificed enough the first time;
why should I do it again?
I kept pleading with myself,
"I know you love him,
but don’t make yourself digestible
just so he can chew you up
and spit you out again."
I couldn’t leave that battlefield;
it still reeked of my blood,
no matter how much we pretended it wasn’t there.
And when I threw my final punch,
I suddenly realized—
I had nearly destroyed the man I loved,
and once again, I destroyed myself.
Once soft eyes were now empty,
his tender touch was gone.
I was gutted to see us both covered in blood,
all in the name of love.
And now that I see it clearly,
I would give anything to turn back time—
not to start over,
but to start with our wounds.
But that is not a start he ever wished for,
and I can come to accept this
As the one thing I wish the most
Is to see that man in peace with his life, love and choices
17.08.2024
13:45h
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Silently, I hid my scars within my cacoon
but once I thought I was ready to emerge
Instead of wings my scars resurfaced
Now I stand bare before the world
Healing my wounds with tears
as the wind blows me in unknown directions
If I healed my wounds in time
I might already be in flight
Embracing my true self
Fully transformed and free
I dreamed of becoming a butterfly
But with my incomplete metamorphosis
I can only hope to become a dragonfly
rather than a cockroach
27.08.2024
00:34h
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