messymislivilenjaka

[messymislivilenjaka]

[messymislivilenjaka]

Franz Kafka, 1912

[messymislivilenjaka]

[messymislivilenjaka]

[messymislivilenjaka]

31.07.22

Mogla sam biti tko želim.

U gradu slobode, bez glupih pitanja.

Vidjela sam slobodu

i polizala joj sljepoočnice.

Zaboravila sam poštovanje.

Zaboravila granice.

Htjela sam sve.

I odmah.

Dala mi je sve. I još više.

Možda i previše.

Zavirila sam u kutove sebe

koje nisam trebala znati.

I ti su kutovi postali srž, sredina.

Trebala sam ih ostaviti na svom mjestu.

Diviti im se s vremena na vrijeme,

ne živjeti tamo predugo.

Ali nisam.

Proširila sam ih.

Sjedinila sa svime što jesam.

Posložila da nitko ne primijeti

ludilo koje sam iz kutova izvukla.

Svaki šesti dan brisala prašinu.

Svaki sedmi dan lagala da ću sve vratiti.

Pa bih opet, ujutro,

pobrisala prašinu,

posložila to u prihvatljivu lažnu cjelinu,

i opet počela brojati.

Polizala slobodi sljepoočnice.

Htjela sam sve.

I dobila sam više nego što sam tražila.

Sad, na koljenima, molim

da odbrojavanje ne počne.

Počelo je.

I neće stati.

Čak ni kad nestanem.

Ako vidiš slobodu,

pozdravi je.

Nakloni se.

Budi zahvalan što je tu.

Ali nemoj joj, jebote,

lizati sljepoočnice.

Jer početi će,

i neće stati.

Čak ni kad nestaneš.

Veće je od nas,

ili nas samo čini manjima.

Kutove sredi, pobrisi,

divi im se kad god,

ali ne razmještaj ih.

A ako si već u odbrojavanju,

daj mi ruku da pobijedimo.

Stanimo na “dva” i odmorimo se.

Kažu da je moguće.

Sjećam se da je bilo.

Samo treba vratiti jebene kutove.

Sjećaš li se gdje su bili?

Ni ja.

Šest.

Pet.

Četiri.

Tri.

Dva.

Jesi li još tu?

Ili te sloboda uzela?

Jebote, zašto si razmjestio kutove?

Liz po liz.

Kraj.

[messymislivilenjaka]

od nakita je nosila teret pogrešnih odluka

[messymislivilenjaka]

Čekanje se isplati samo onome ko je sledeći na redu

[messymislivilenjaka]

30.04.2024 Taxi razgovor

Otkad jabuka zna kad je spremna

Nego kad je sunce doradi onda je spremna

[messymislivilenjaka]

2024

Prvo pitanje bilo je: Zašto?

Drugo je bilo: zašto sam si to dozvolila?

Treće pitanje bilo je isto, ali kontekst potpuno drukčiji.

Htjela sam znati sto sam dobivala od tebe, da me toliko držalo iako mi je sve ostalo stalo. Potpuno sam stala zaokupljena tobom i pitanjima.

Sto se događa s nama? Sto se događa s tobom? Zašto ti se sviđam? Da li mi sad živimo skupa? Da li me ostavljaš? Zašto si ipak tu? Misliš li i dalje da lažem? Zašto bi bio s nekim za koga misliš da laže? Hoćeš li biti u stanu kad se vratim? A sutra? Moram li smisliti ručak ili ćeš biti tamo pa bolje da se ne petljam? Ako se ne petljam ispadam li lijena? Ako se upetljam hoce li ispasti krivo? Da li me želi? Da li misli da ga ne želim? Može li se ono nazvati razgovorom?

Nisam imala odgovore kada si ih tražio. Bila sam puna pitanja i trotocki. Moj život bio mi je enigma, sljedeći potez potpuna nepoznanica. Uzela sam bijes koji si mi ostavio i krenula razbijati valove veslima. Kada ne znaš odgovore, samo idi - dok ih ne nađeš.

Mislila sam da ću doci do zaključka vezanih za nas odnos, ali završila sam u dubini puno kompleksnijeg područja - sebe.

Sva pitanja koja sam imala za tebe, izbjegavala sam postaviti sebi.

Gdje smo? Hoćemo li ovdje ostati? Je li nam dobro? Kamo idemo? Koji je plan za danas? A za sutra? Hoćeš li biti tu za mene? Sto misliš da moramo napraviti da nam bude bolje? Čega te strah i zašto? Sto ćemo izbjegavati?

Svemir me natjerao da stanem i usporim. Šapnuo gdje mogu početi tražiti odgovore. Izbacila sam sve svoje stvari u sredinu stana, i bacila sve ono sto vise nisam. Na Božić ponovno uselila sebi u život. I ovaj put odlučila ostati.

Gdje smo? Na putu, zajedno

Hoćemo li ovdje ostati? Ostajemo jedna uz drugu uvijek. Ti si moje doma.

Je li nam dobro? Dobro je dok te grlim kroz suze i smijeh

Kamo idemo? Tamo gdje nam oči sjaje, noge plesu i duša miruje

Koji je plan za danas? Dati sve od sebe

A za sutra? Isto.

Hoćeš li biti tu za mene? Tu sam ja, i svaki dio mene sačuvan u našem plemenu

Sto misliš da moramo napraviti da nam bude bolje? Ne stati. Vjerovati u alkemiju stvari i energije. Ulozi, dobij, vrati i moci ćeš opet uložiti

Cega te strah i zašto? Rada na nama, jer me strah neuspjeha.

Sto trebamo izbjegavati? Ništa. Osjetit ćemo svaki dio života, ali uvijek birati ono čemu idemo dovoljno blizu da nas promijeni.

Ako se desi da ti kažem da sam tu, a ti se okreneš i shvatiš da sam zastala ili pala, čekaj i doci ću. Obećajem.

(Nadam se da je ovo istina)

[messymislivilenjaka]

Zapetljali se kao veš na buri

a nikoga nije bilo doma

da ga pokupi

I štriku smo bili teški

dok je sunce blijedilo boje

Najavili su kišu

ali rasuli smo se prije

nego sto je smog ispran

Na svom kraju ulice

osjetim težinu kiše koja udara

ali ne po meni

Dobro sam.

21.02.2024

15:53

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‘You should do yoga or dance’

they said as I was not close friend

with the weight on my shoulders

that’s been destroying my back

Because nobody said I should brace myself

‘You should remain soft’

They said as they teared out my insides

through my soft belly

once made to carry life

now holds unspeakable trauma

‘You should be feminine’

They said as if my hands did not get dirty

In order to survive the world crafted

by their rules and long hours

where only wolves survive

So I chose heavy and cold

as that will prepare me for this life

dripping steel in sweat until

my head goes silent

and one goal remains

- to push through.

Thank you for the advice,

but I’ll choose my own heavy load

and carry it with grace and respect

as I’m more than it meets the eye

and my shoulders refuse to tremble one again

Under what is thrown at me

Because I know I will push through

11.03.2024

23:20

[messymislivilenjaka]

I wouldn’t trust me when I go quiet.

Was quiet with you for the last 3 months

Remember?

Proper traditional women

leading her battles in silence

just as you wished, remember?

Patiently waited to see if you’ll stumble,

unable to find the light once more

and drag us down with you

Slowly sinked into a familiar bed

crafted out of ashes that will

meld my spirit back together

I swallowed my tears

and screamed into the void

shattering every remaining piece of hate

I am the Divine feminine

drawing strength from the love

discovering it amidst the pain

So I thank the heavens for this rebirth

and count my blessings

before stepping into another challenge

And we will not cross paths again

for the girl you once knew has faded away

and the women left standing

won’t deem you worthy

Those pieces became seeds for the roots

and the spring called out the most

beautiful branches singing with joy

My consciences now respelled

different, yet somehow the same

Welcoming the redefined energy

that now gives energy to my heart

Back to the baseline of my being

spine straight like an arrow

ready to fly it’s path and take down

any soul that stands in the way

14.03.2024

12:16

[messymislivilenjaka]

I think I might be ready to forgive

you killed that innocent girl

Because the women left standing

does not fear the ones like you

They can try to rip me apart to peaces

but my essence is not material

it was built on a promise to myself

to never fall that low again

So keep the peaces and choke on them

29.03.2024

21:30

[messymislivilenjaka]

Disregulated

once again

Pressure

once again

Was in love with the pressure I was applying

Was in love with the grind

But once you stop

the pressure comes onto you

Same but different

dropping all the balls

realizing they were heavy as stones

as they hit my body

Selling my time and soul

getting 22 days of leave in return

that need to be approved

365 days of food and roof over my head

sweating over the bills

and 22 days of leave that need to be approved

Forget about life

Welcome to surviving

18.04.2024

14:00

[messymislivilenjaka]

365 days of food and roof over my head

bills drenched with sweat

and 22 precious days of leave

pending approval

Forget about life

Welcome to survival

Where you work for the money

but it never works for you

Everything you desire

fades into the background

as you take care of necessities

survive first, live later

Forget about life

Welcome to survival

Where you work for the money

but it never works for you

Everything you desire

fades into the background

as you take care of necessities

survival first, living later

Don’t let them see you struggle

Don’t let them see you dream

When work rarely works for you

escape to save that light in your eyes

18.04.2024

15:38h

[messymislivilenjaka]

First Encounter

When I first saw him

in an orange sweater,

his soft eyes, his tender touch.

Our hips swayed in sync,

as if they’d learned to move

through lifetimes together.

In that moment, I heard a promise of love.

I opened my heart, my soul,

trusted my intuition,

quieted my fears.

He was always almost here,

just a few steps away

from revealing his soul.

But then I shattered everything

by asking, "What are we?"

as if I wasn’t really asking,

"What am I to you?"

He came and went as he pleased,

leaving me in a home full of us,

constantly praying he’d return

I wanted to pray for other things,

but there was no time, no space.

In that home, he left me confused,

deciding to leave,

breaking my trust,

stomping on my love.

I slowly began to gather the pieces of myself,

packed all my love for him in a box,

and threw it to the back of my existence.

Yet still, I felt him there,

so I fought for months in every way I knew

to shut it down,

to stop waiting.

He wasn’t a devil,

I saw his hurt in all of this,

but I had to harden my heart

to let him go.

Second Encounter

All the energy I spent deciphering us,

I used to rebuild myself.

I called my tribe to witness and celebrate,

but there he was again,

same time, same place,

and all my love came rushing back.

We promised to try again,

but a promise without accountability is hollow.

A fresh start never truly existed.

To begin anew, you must confront the wounds,

share them, let them heal.

They say you can never be with the same person twice,

and I have witnessed this to be the truth

but if you face your depths,

it could be different—better.

Once again, I had to shift my energy.

He wanted things to happen fast,

but I tried to go slow.

It felt like he didn’t truly want me back

but to relive our beginning

I kept shouting about my rights,

hurting myself with racing thoughts,

avoiding the real connection.

I had sacrificed enough the first time;

why should I do it again?

I kept pleading with myself,

"I know you love him,

but don’t make yourself digestible

just so he can chew you up

and spit you out again."

I couldn’t leave that battlefield;

it still reeked of my blood,

no matter how much we pretended it wasn’t there.

And when I threw my final punch,

I suddenly realized—

I had nearly destroyed the man I loved,

and once again, I destroyed myself.

Once soft eyes were now empty,

his tender touch was gone.

I was gutted to see us both covered in blood,

all in the name of love.

And now that I see it clearly,

I would give anything to turn back time—

not to start over,

but to start with our wounds.

But that is not a start he ever wished for,

and I can come to accept this

As the one thing I wish the most

Is to see that man in peace with his life, love and choices

17.08.2024

13:45h

[messymislivilenjaka]

Silently, I hid my scars within my cacoon

but once I thought I was ready to emerge

Instead of wings my scars resurfaced

Now I stand bare before the world

Healing my wounds with tears

as the wind blows me in unknown directions

If I healed my wounds in time

I might already be in flight

Embracing my true self

Fully transformed and free

I dreamed of becoming a butterfly

But with my incomplete metamorphosis

I can only hope to become a dragonfly

rather than a cockroach

27.08.2024

00:34h