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metamorphosis-malkavian-blog · 7 years ago

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Polyamory Part One

“the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.”

My first Poly relationship was like putting your body in to a wood chipper. I was dating my then fiancé and was in an actual hell. For this story let's call him Sam.

I had started dating Sam one year after my best friend died. Now that was the real person whom loved me just as I was. But an incident happened, and he left me in this world with an abusive mother who tried to convince me he never existed. Sometimes I still wonder if I created him to save me from her abuse, but I guess we will never know.

Sam was going to marry me, but he was still in love with his best friend. She was a bombshell and crazy sex machine. we shall name her Shelly. She would have sex with seriously everything. I checked in on her a while back found out she has serval kids and has seriously done nothing with her life. Now days It just makes me sad for her, she used to have great dreams. Although I did not approve of her after school activities. I wanted to be her friend because she was so close to my boyfriend. So, I created a very basic friendship with her. We went to movies together and often did the double date thing. Everything was good for about two years. I was proposed to after he found out my mother could not come after me if I was married. (I have/had a very abusive relationship with my mother) I do believe he wanted to protect me from my mother, But I also believe he loved the other girl more.

About one year after our engagement he told me he wanted to form a polyamorous relationship with Shelly. I looked it up and my first thought was do I even really like this girl? Could I create a loving family with her? Would this make him very happy, so he does not feel so torn apart? I chose to agree with him and he took the first steps into changing the dynamics of our relationships.

First two dates with the three of us together it was like nothing changed. We went for movies and ice-cream. After a little while though I kept hearing him try to convince Shelly to make out with me and let him watch. Finally, somehow, we both agreed. It was awkward the entire time. I had only made out with my best friend, a girl that was my neighbor (for fun) and Sam. I hated every minute of it. Shelly kept butting her tongue down my throat and I remember wanting to puke on her. Over the course of many months I got used to it. I still hated it but I pretended otherwise because Sam wanted me to. Then he dropped the bomb shell....

I thought that having sex with her while he watched and made comments was normal in this type of relationship. I was raised that I am not in control of what I want. I was raised that I had to be owned. I wanted Sam to be happy and if that meant I was tearing myself apart on the inside I had to find a way to deal with it. So, I did what I do best and changed my way of thinking to make my owner happy. I did it with my mother, I could do it with him, because I love him.

He had sharp words for me when I said I did not want to have sex with her. He made me feel bad when I could not give him head. I was being stupid for wanting to spend time with him and I was lame for not smoking weed (I am allergic). I was never allowed to conceal any information about myself. Then he tried to introduce BDSM to our relationship... It was worse than whatever you have put in to your mind. I had no say in anything and that’s when I finally broke and lost who I was for the second time in my life. I had changed myself so much to become the person he wanted that I was no better than a doll just there for his pleasure. The me that loved to try new things and the person I fell in love with had started to become the person I hated. I could not escape my mother without him though, so I stayed. Little did I know my life would turn around.

My work in Photography finally payed off. I got a job at zappos.com to take picture for their website. That’s where I met a man who made me think differently. Let's Call him Kai.

Halloween was my first day, and I walked in with my candy raver outfit. Lime green pants, purple hair, hot pink shirt.... I don’t have any idea what I must have looked like, but I peeked Kai's interest. He decided to talk to me, and he was my first friend not connected to Sam in some way or another. Kai challenged me at work and when he found out some of what was happening he made me a deal. Said I could take over have of the lease as long as I did the cooking and cleaning. I almost did not take it. But I wondered what other aspects that this man could bring out of me if we weren't at work.

He told me he had a girlfriend and that if I wanted to try to save my relationship I could, but he thought I needed space away from him to find myself. I told Sam that I was moving in with a coworker. I told him I thought this was best to save our relationship. He demanded that he helped me move. when he helped me move he fought me the whole way. Then he saw a man's razor on the bathroom counter. He screamed at me and through my stuff everywhere. Told me I was a slut and going to hell. I had told him Kai was a male coworker, but he was distracted by playing video game the entire time. So, it was my fault he did not have all the information.

Kai came home and saw me picking my stuff off the parking lot. Most of it was broken and shattered. He never asked me what happened. And left me in my room to cry alone. The next morning, I woke up to breakfast at my door.

Kai and I did end up dating, however we never actually worked out. He is still my friend. But we can't love each other the way we need to love.

The events from this relationship has defined a lot of what I do in my life. I never thought that I would ever be in another poly relationship. But I am. The one that was stated above is an extremely toxic relationship.

It took me several years to understand the damaged parts of my relationships and to find a person whom is even 1/4th the person my best friend was. But I have and surprise she is poly. And so freaking adorable!!

However, she does not own me in anyway, And will never force me to do something I don’t want to do.

I will make that story known one day as well. As I continue to work on my writing 🙂

#emotionally abusive #abusive polyamorus #polyamory #toxic people

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metamorphosis-malkavian-blog · 7 years ago

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your’re too stupid to do that...

The first time I was called stupid I had missed two weeks of school for having my tonsils taken out. I used to get strep throat almost every week before that. I arrived back to school and our spelling words had changed. Mrs. Earther asked me to sound out and spell the word "EATING" I tried several times and the other kids kept laughing at me. Finally, Mrs. Earther stands up and says "Maybe if you showed up to school more often you'd not be so stupid" I stayed the rest of the day and when I got home I told my mother what happened. She went down to the Board of Education and sat there everyday teaching what she could until they agreed to transfer me out of that school in to one a county over. That is one of the last times I can remember my mother Protecting me.

My grandfather was a great man. That’s probably why he convinced us his middle name was Great. I don’t remember much about my grandfather. I remember he always had that bubblegum that last about 8 seconds before it loses all flavor. My favorite memory is of me my mom and my grandfather watching Steve Erwin Crocodile Hunter. (We never missed an episode) I remember he made the trumpet sing and I have yet to meet another person who can make a trumpet sound like he did. And I remember that he was very selfless, and always said "You will do great things when you get older. " It's almost like he knew my mother would lose all rational thought after he was gone. So, he said all the things I would need to hear as I got older.

My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 1996 As my grandfather got sicker, my mother started to change more and more. She started to yell more, get mad for simple things and become unbearably over protective. Around this time is when I have broken memories, so I can't tell you much more. In 1998 -2008 I was sent in and out of temporary foster cares and facilities for various reasons. Was I a problem child, or was my mother becoming abusive? Unfortunately, this is a story were the system failed and will continue to fail until 2018. That’s another story though...

In 2005 his Alzheimer's took him from us. My mom got a call while she was in the bathroom getting ready for something. I was listening through the door. The person who was on the other line was clearly distraught because my mother could not understand them. I was about to walk away when I hear the words "Donald Is dead?" And then weeping from my mom. I ran through the door and did not look back until I was at my friend and neighbors house. She took me in and we watched an episode of the crocodile hunter. I stayed for about 30 mins and realized my mother won't be strong enough to handle this on her own. So, I promised not to cry about it again. I would do all the family stuff that I knew my mother could not do. I smiled and talked with the family that had disowned my mother a long time ago, and in return me.

Right after the funeral I went back to school. Before my grandfather died and the start of the school year, my mother thought it would be great if I learned an instrument. After all my grandfather learned the Trumpet, she learned the clarinet, I wanted to learn the violin, but we did not have the money to buy my own Violin. So, I settled with the Piano. My body has my dad's bone structure and because of this my fingers are fat. I think this grouped with the fact I never really wanted to learn the piano is why I never tried my 100% in the class. But I still wanted to try my best during the piano recital because my mother was coming. I practiced all week and when it was the day of the recital she never showed up. Ms. Kirsple, My instructor, thought it was the best I ever played. And it rose my grade to a C. My mom got my report card and asked why my grades were so low in piano. (I was still doing well in my other classes) We were fighting nonstop these days because she started to hate my friend and neighbor because she thought she was gay. I turned around and said " I don't know maybe I am stupid" she responded with "yes, you obviously are"

A few weeks later we went in and my mother received the inheritance. I remember thinking these people are all ungrateful. My mother thought she deserved more because she took care of him for years. The rest of the family thought they'd get more and said mom deserved nothing. Only thing I wanted was my grandfather back. After the funeral and my mother packed up and we moved again (We have always moved around). This time to Mt. Washington, KY. I was a sophomore and was taking biology with a teacher whom I don’t think ever wanted to be a teacher, several students failed her class we all ended up in After school classes. Ms. Smith taught us, and I changed my grade to a B. My Mother had said your obviously not smart enough for science like your grandfather and I were. When I showed her how my grade improved she said "They just do that, so you don’t repeat another year of biology, Other kids need a chance to learn too" I just smiled and walked back to my room. That was also around the time Steve had passed away. My mother and I watched old reruns that night. And I pretended at least for one night that it was like old times again and my grandfather was close to me.

Junior year I went in to my second year of art. I always loved art and had wanted to attend an art school. When I showed my mother an art institute that my teacher was helping me apply to. She tore up and burned all my art work on my walls. Said I was not smart or talented enough to do art. Although I still tried in art class I never went to the school or accepted the scholarship. She did the same thing when I tried to get in to History and Archeology, Creative writing, and Mythology.

I had always loved reading. And it was the only thing that did not offend her. So, I read a lot and often. I read about other country's I want to visit. I read about the destruction that plastic has on our planet. I loved everything about the ocean even though I had never seen it in person before. I remembered some of the things I read in the national geographic magazines about what trash does to impact our world.

In 2010 I left my mother's abusive home and moved in with a friend. Although I still read I also went out and explored the world I'd never been allowed to see. I went to the lake and swam, I tubed down the creek. I collected leaves and took pictures of decaying nature. However, When I went to the Ohio river and saw so much trash and the smell that would make flowers cry I Started to wonder what I could do about it. I wanted to attend college. That was when I was forced back in to my mother's home. I got to attend a semester of college. I was enrolled into an undecided major. As I started to fail my classes my mother continued to say I was too stupid to do anything I wanted to do. It took me another year and a half to get away. I left my first semester with all D's.

When I left again the first thing I did was drive to FL. I went to the ocean. I looked at it and jumped right off the dock. I never felt water so cold before. I was sitting there just splashing around when this dark shape starts coming toward me. I freak out! I am swimming so fast I think I might be part mermaid. There is an old man on the beach about to kill over from laughing at me. He asks if I'm okay and I start shooting off questions. "What was that?" "Why are you laughing?" "Why did you not help me?" He just smiles his kind old man smile and points to what I think is a factory. He tells me to go there and educate myself before I jump in to any ol’ body of water again. The factory is called Big Ben. It is located near Tampa FL. At the base of the factory there is a manatee research center that is free to the public. There is where my spark of loving animals and the ocean came back.

It will take me eight years, tons of court appearances with my mother, living in my car, losing my car, going back to court, living in my car again, losing my car again, finally getting a restraining order against my mother, my third car blowing up, my best friend attempting suicide, and finally attempting therapy for my past struggles to realize I am not stupid. And I can do whatever it is I want to do if I try.

Come August I start what I am calling my first true year of College. I have no car, I am still about $200 short for my first semester. However, I have support system of close friends who keep me balanced. My best friend whom I've been able to teach about the world and help with her depression. And my amazing girlfriend who always tells me that I can do it.

You want to know what keeps me motivated throughout everything I've been through? Steve Erwin. I guarantee you he probably thought it was his fault he scared the sting ray. He showed us a world that we need to protect and dangerous animals we should respect. It was a world That I too want to protect if I can. It is one of the reasons I am trying to decide between Marine Veterinarian and Nature conservation.

The mother that existed before my grandfather died and my grandfather would be extremely proud of me and possible be shocked about how I turned out. However, I am just becoming the me I can be proud of.

#emotionally abusive #abusive family #toxic people

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