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(via Picking (Wine) Grapes in Healdsburg | The Year … | Vegetables, berr…)

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This isn’t about you

04/10 

Lol I still think I see you around sometimes. Like I’ll walk by someone and do a double take, because this time I was positive it was you. It never is. I don’t know why you’d be in this city, or even at this college, but it still shakes me up when I see a man with a baseball cap, white t-shirt, and perfect cowboy denim jeans. Like a cartoon character you used to wear the same thing pretty much every day. When I first moved, I hoped and dreamed that it was actually you. I would walk by someone and as I turned back to look, I’d pray that it would actually be you. That you’d see me and think, “wow. Why did I ever let her get away”. Now it’s different. I don’t crave that anymore. I’ve found my security in something actually worth something. I have complete fullness in a man that died on a stinkin cross for me and loves me enough to want to spend every day for the rest of eternity with me. I’ve also moved on emotionally. I found someone who shares some of the same traits as you, but one thousand times better. Heck, even like a million times better. And saying all that and ONE HUNDRED percent believing it, I still think of you when it turns 11:11. I still think your name, but his face. You are engrained into me. Your memory always on my heart as the one I loved, who never loved me. Looking back at that girl who wanted nothing more than for you to love her, I just wan to grab her by the face and tell her that everything will be okay. She’ll find someone who wants to love her and love her in the right way. Something maybe you never had the courage to do. And even if it wasn’t a cowardly thing, it was a selfish thing. You never could look past yourself to love her. She moves on, and she finds better. 

This probably all sounds bitter which is something I’m not. I genuinely wish you the best and I hope you are happy for the rest of your life. My loyalty runs thick and I will always want what’s best for you. I just don’t want you anymore. thx 4 the mems. You won’t be missed. 

xx, 

I hope I never actually run into you. 

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like if saving please*:･ﾟ✧

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peace out ✌🏼🛸

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Worthy

04/04

All my life I’ve been told false accusations about what love and worthiness meant. I was taught that if a man loved you, he’d hurt you. The only way you know if love was real, is if it was painful. I never saw a man treat a woman like she was worth more than twenty bucks. I never saw any example of women being worthy. In any way. There was never a man that treated a woman as an equal or even as a partner. When things get hard you leave, because love is painful and leaving heals the pain. At least temporarily. I grew up with the foundation that I will never be treated with respect enough to not get left. And if someone left, it was my fault. I drove them away. I made them want to leave. The only way to properly function at that point is to leave anything good, before you get hurt. If you leave while it’s good, then at least the pain will be of good memories and not the sting of not being loved anymore. 

And then you came along. 

And you terrify me.

You think I’m pretty and you think I’m funny. You think I’m way smarter than I am, and I’ve never seen anyone get nervous to tell me I looked nice. You say cheesy lines and you tell me that I have your heart. You say you’d do anything for me and you make me feel like I have the upper hand. But I don’t. I never will because I can’t accept the kind of love you’re offering. I don’t how to accept the compliments you give me and I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust that you won’t leave, at least for quite a bit of time. Those are my issues. All of my baggage and it has nothing to do with you, but you’re human. You’re not God. It’s easy to accept God’s love because although I’m definitely not worthy of that either, he created me and he loves me with a love that can’t imagine eternity without me. You aren’t held by those bounds. You’re not obligated to love me forever. 

When you look at me like that every part of me wants to run from you. I want to run out of the room/car/city that we’re in and never come back, because I don’t think I’m worthy of your love. I only know how to run. 

But heres the thing. I’m done running. 

And I’ll run to you. 

Just please don’t break the heart you hold in your hands. Its on loan until you can commit to it forever. Its broken and taped and stapled and glued. It’s fragile. Please please please promise to be careful with it and i’ll promise to let you have it. 

You scare the absolute crap out of me, but I’m willing to uncomfortable and scared, because it’s you. And I have some form of love for you. (which love i have no idea, I just know it’s love)

xx, 

Mia 

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I have to get it out

03/22

Recently you have become more important to me than I even really knew you could. I knew from the second I met you that we were meant to exist in the same plane, at the same time, in the same years, but I had no idea it’d be like this. It started out as a friend crush. ie; I thought you were really cool, thought you were funny, but didn’t have any romantic feelings until August. Even August seems wrong, because I was more so into the attention that you gave me. Any male that wanted to treat me like that I would have gladly welcomed. Late November hit and it was different. I started to care a little bit more. More than just infatuation, like real intimate feelings, and it terrified me. I didn’t want just any attention anymore. I wanted YOUR attention. I got weird. I don’t do well with liking people past the point of infatuation. I get all commitment issue-y and my brain goes into panic mode. My ship goes into panic mode and my defensive tactics burst out from the seems. ANYTHING i can say or do that could possibly repel me from you, I will do. January comes and I asked you if you used to have a crush on her. You did. I was extra in panic mode now. Felt like a fool. 

Honestly that still pulls me away from you. I still want to jump back, I still want to run from you, because knowing that fact causes every insecurity I could possibly have to flood my mind with irrational thinking and terrifying moments. I wanna tell you how scary you are to me, but I don’t know how. I’m so into you. 

Here are the things that I would have said in my letter if I could’ve:

Hi. I’m so into you. Every part of you. Every thing, even the button pushing things, that comes out of your mouth is beautiful. The way your brain thinks and processes things, overwhelms me. You are so beautiful. In every stage of my life we would have been friends. (This part is real cheesy so watch out) Our souls would’ve met one way or another. There’s no doubt in my mind we would have connected in a way shape or form no matter what stage we met in. I would’ve liked you if you were black. I would’ve liked you if you if you were asian. I would’ve liked you if you were Indian, Ethiopian, British, Grecian, Mexican, Argentinian, any and all of them. I would have liked you if you were white. I’m not infatuated with you because of your looks ( you being extremely handsome just so happens to be a lucky bonus). I want to meet your family, I wanna see your Dad in person, I want to know how your mom makes dinner. I want to meet your brothers. I want to see your family dynamic. I want to know everything about you. I’m so proud of the relationship your trying to build with God. I’m so proud of you for sticking it out. You’re such an incredible man and I’m so honored you even think of me in way shape or form. I’m so so blessed to know you. 

I’m putting up my white flag. 

xx, 

Mia Angelina

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Why

I’m mad, because I can’t be mad. I’m so irritated because I asked. Why did I ask? Why did I do that to myself? I can’t be hurt. I can’t be hurt, BECAUSE I ASKED. I’m so dumb and so sad because you’re right. I should have been the one to notice. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO NOTICE. If anyone was trying to get to her I should have known. I missed all the signs. Okay. I admit that. But what really gets me, is that you never liked me for me. You liked me to get close to her. You didn’t want to be my friend. You wanted her to know that you cared about what she cared about. I never meant anything to you. I was never real. 

It was never about me. 

I misread everything. 

Looking back, I see it. I see how dumb I was. I see that you were into her. And now that she’s taken you settled. 

Settled for me. 

I can’t handle the idea of being second place. My heart wants to jump out of my chest thinking about it. I can’t handle being near you. Because its not real. Every interaction, every look, every glance, everything. All of it. Its ALL FAKE.

Xx,

I don’t want to be your friend either. 

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Dear Me,

Next time you like to allow such mundane ridiculous things effect your whole mood and WORLD, will you breathe first? Maybe make a pros and cons list? Maybe not blame everything from global warming to something breaking on yourself? You are your own worst critic and will continue to be for the rest of your life. Please be sober minded the next time you go cliff jumping to conclusions. Please do not put yourself down for things that are out of your control. Also, grow up. Pay your bills. Don’t sit around and wait for life to happen. You are a strong powerful woman and you GOT THIS. Go kill it today and every day for the rest of your life. I will always try to be your number one supporter, even though I hate you sometimes. Although I will always have your back, I might not always have your best interest at heart. So listen to advice, read your bible, pray without ceasing, and you might make 1% less mistakes. Cheers to you dear, you are fierce and I love you. 

All the Love, 

You 

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Dear God,

Thank you. Thank you for everything and all that you are. Thank you for blessing me with Alpha Omega and the kingdom. Thank you for giving me a real family. I am in such awe with you. Thank you for being love.

Xx, 

Your child 

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I’ve been living nineteen years. Of those nineteen years I’ve known you ONE. And I AM STRESSED not seeing you for what has it been? four days? and now it will be like A WHOLE WEEK? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’m SO STRESSED. 

AHAHHAHAHDNFI EJWQIFJEWPFJIOW

xx, 

I don’t want to be just friends