miamoo27

[miamoo27]

It’s been a long time since I wrote I. This. I know why I’m not the biggest fan of going out. I’m usually bored and only want sex or pot.

July

I’m not a fan of the summer anymore I decided. I don’t like the feeling of having to go out. I do love gardening and seeing all the plants grow and hit their full potential. Something about taking a seed placing it in the ground and watching it all Season become a fruit. It’s now how I started again to enjoy the summer. However two birthday come up they follow eachother and of course o can’t help but think of them on there birthdays. June 23 and July 13 the only reason I remember them is because there both cancers and my exes. I didn’t get sad but they stayed locked in the back of my head all day swishing around. Sometimes it’s distracting but I rarely show emotion outwardly. At work I don’t have time to show them.

End of July

Have no idea how I got home. I don’t like drinking and I wasted my night but had fun exploring.

O

My mother thinks I don’t socialize enough and spoke to my therapist about it. I’m 23 this is nutty behavior. I know it isn’t her fault because she is limited in her way of thinking and analyzing shit. I don’t think my parents think like me. Actually are aware. I know I’m addicted to nicotine ok give me a fucking break please. Stop shaming me and making me feel bad. lol

Im the type of person where if u push me I’m walking. I’m like a bull it’s difficult to push me esp if someone isn’t being understanding.

[miamoo27]

Life has been work the past couple day. I feel directionless. I’m doing great at my job but lacking in school and I’m my “professional life.” Right now my heart isn’t in it I’m feeling connected to work and the kids making a different. I feel impatient with school like I’m waiting to be done despite mt enjoyment in learning. But the pressure feels horrific lately. I was sick for two days still feel it. Work has been disgustingly stressful due to my co worker. Being horrific with the kids. And then I have my lab mentor telling me “it’s unprofessional to have an unexpected absence without notice” ummm so sorry I was asleep and not feeling well once. It isn’t a pattern.

The pressure is fucking on and I wanna roll in a ball. I can’t help my restless ways it’s mt nature. It’s hard to be under this much and try so hard yet be fearful of telling others what I need. I overplease until I can’t do it. Now I have this dumb fucking stupid party tomorrow SORRY. That has to do with my dads family coming here. My stomach still hurts I’m getting my period and I don’t need this. I hate the voice in my head that says stop complaining stop worrying. My parents are fighting don’t blame my mom. She doesn’t want them here. I don’t really but he is my father. He knows how I feel. I’m not passive aggressive with how I feel or “fresh” I just say it. Probablt a reason some don’t like me. I care what others think but I’m also not going to “fake” it to make others comfortable. I hate doing that and I need to stop doing that. I need to just be completely honest with mt feelings. I hate putting on a mask. This morning I didn’t. Adam my conworkee noticed it immediately. Saying he noticed when she came in I was upset. Not with the kids but at here. He said he knows I care a lot. It shows. I do care a lot it’s one of mt faults. I deeply devote myself to one thing and forget about everything else. (This is a new personality character because I used to mindlessly do too many things). I forgot about school for a good two weeks. I stopped replying to emails, texts, calls. I also hate texting people consistently. I’m exhausted I have no time for me. I don’t wanna do this shit and go to appointments but sadly we live in a world where appoints exist. Weirdly I’m amazing at staying on time at work. I take care of 18 4 year olds and clean up after them feed them love them nurture them and teach them. Yet I can’t text someone back something doesn’t add up. Even my therapists texts intimidate me. Yet I can Literallt fight someone in real life. But that’s only people I don’t respect. Which unfortunely I respect all my professors.

To give myself credit I’ve dealt with a ton of shit while doing all of this. So I haven’t processed my moms addiction or really my feelings around men in general. I’m afraid to be in love. True shit. I have high standard now which makes my red flag alarm go up everytime I encounter a guy. One has a gf one has a baby one has an addiction one can’t commit and one is gay. The world is insane. I feel like Janis Joplin “one good man”. Where they at tho? It’s been a long ass day this is an insane rant and probablt makes no sense but I need to write it. Apart from all these downfalls I’m genuinely a good person I think I care about people animals pets children everyone. Yet I don’t trust men romantically. I have barely any trust in the world and I’m nervous.

How could I be two things at once.

Someone who loves the universe and nature. Believes in peace and tries to show it. Feels connected spiritually to the earth.

Someone who doesn’t trust people. Is afraid of love. Disgusted by pda.

It isn’t the world I don’t trust it’s the people and what they did scares me and I’m afraid it could happen again. I get so hooked to someone quickly. When I love i reallt love. Nick showed me that he didn’t bring me the same. He knew that so he broke my heart more by even knowing he didn’t have the same love for me. I tried to stay and make him love me but that’s the worst type of love. I needed him. To love me. It made me feel like shit for so long I couldn’t speak. He broke up with me I felt like my world fell apart. I couldn’t see the reality. He didn’t feel what I could feel he wasn’t capable of having the love I have.

I used to think those were things people tell them selves to feel better. But truthfully what is actually true. They aren’t in your life anymore so does the way they feel actually matter? You will never know how they feel because they don’t so what’s the use in figuring out. It’s been a waste of time one I needed though to get through the storm on the side of independence I went from serial dater/sex to being single for almost two years. I needed to go through nick. To see what it’s like to love someone who can’t do the same to break my heart. It did but in the end I got smarter.

[miamoo27]

Before I do anything I need to write this

This weekend "it" started again. I felt the guilt come on of not wanting to spend time with my family or anyone. It isnt that I dont like people, I spend time with people all week. At work, school and home I am constantly having to deal with others energies. I need a break most weekends from the constant rush of the week days. I liked to use the weekends to do work, smoke, crochet, watch tv and rest. But it seems whenever my mother or father is around it is hard to relax. I am sitting her exhausted from forcing myself to look "happy" for my mom when there is 10000 things on my mind and the only thing I want to do is be alone and smoke and vibe. By myself. I dont know if it is healthy but my energy is depleted. It is the constant need my mom has for me to be around her and my pressure I put on myself to give her the attention.

Our personalities clash. All of this is very hard for me to admit or write down. I have no excuse anymore my mother is a good person. It used to be her drinking so i didnt mind saying anything negative. But now I feel like shit. But I have to remember my feelings and these journals are anonymous.

My mother came from an Italian catholic family. Stranegly enough her mother was really successful and work herself to get a good job and go to get a PHD as an immigrant. Her father was um machismo, racist. I love my grandparents but its the truth. For some reason my mom never like questioned that her parents had negative world-views. I get it was a different time but my mom grew up in the 70s so it isnt that insane for her to question her parents values. But instead she let her parents values of gender, race and class affect her. They brainwashed her and she never had the freedom to question it. Despite my mom being similiar to her parents in that regard. I feel the complete opposite and knowing who I am now I always questionsed everything my parents, teachers or society told me. It was just in my nature.

My moms parents were mean to her as well. Throwing degrating comments at her like "shes a broad" "shes bigger" "You arent good at art." The last one shocks me, my uncle told me they told her that after she came home and asked my grandma why she never puts her paintings on the wall "Because your no good." Who knows if thats true. When I brought it up to my mom she didnt answer. I cant believe the grandmother that basically raised me acted like this. But I even questioned her.

Who knows I dont know if this is just her. Because similiar to my brother I know why her parents (mom) maybe had ill feelings about her or were testing her. My father likes me more. I know thats hard to admit. He loves all his kids I know that. But he likes certain ones in particular, espically the struggled story ones and the fighters.

My father worked insanely hard to get where he is. I can confidently say my dad is smart. Hes intelligent in a different way then i am but he works his ass off. I work my ass off. He struggled because of money I struggled beacause of my learning disability we both struggled and made it out successful. My father watched me year after year fight for my education and never stopped supporting me. I know I annoy him piss him off but I cant deny that I love my dad. Even the times when I wanted to never speak to him again after cheating on mom, drinking with her and being a poor husband. Which affected him as a dad he was not here. But he always managed to stick up for me. And call me out on bs.

So when he believed me when I said I got accepted to FDU. EVen though I got into the interview. I wanted to cry. My dad who usually only believes me when I am telling the truth is sticking up for me when I lied because I am embarrassed that I did not get in anywhere and did not apply to montclair. I hate it. I am so mad. I am so confused. I worked so fucking hard and I know how this work I know life is not fair but I worked so hard I earned this I got so many punches I need a win.'

Also i feel weird I lied. I know when I am lying. I been in therapy long enough. I just want to make evryone proud. Think I can do something like go to grad school. But is it really what I want? Do I really want to be in jersey? I have so many terrible memories here. I dont want to be around Nick or Andrys. I dont want to be around everyone thats done me wrong. Not that they are the only reason I need to go. ASAP.

I know I can do more than this I feel it. I am not content. Thats my issue I relax but feel fire in me. Maybe I am a sag. I have a restless fire alway even if I am upset. The only time it rests is if I am sick.

My blood pressure was high again. I know why I am a mess I am nervous without me knowing it anymore. I dont feel it as much. All the lexapro and adderall drowned me out to not even being aware of my own anxieties and issues. I think of smoking weed all the time. I hit my juul and drink coffee excessively even right now. I put on a happy face genuinely think positively but I am so aware it hurt me. I get bored so easly I stay away from people. I bask in my addictions and pleasures. I am fearful still of someone leaving. I have been hurt so I would rather be alone. I am not depressed but I am aware of life. I accept it but then I move restlessly about. THinking all the time. My mind does not stop.

I won though. I won when I told myself today I am going to do what I want. NOt what will make my family happy. Or what I want to do in order to make them proud. But to actually do what I want. I dont know what that is yet but I am planning on figuring it out at some point.

[miamoo27]

I am burnt out. I get excited to go to work now because I have a crush on my co worker who has a gf. He asks me to smoke with him and when we do, its fun, friendly but theres this tension. Im not sure its because we are the opposite sex or because there is something there. The left part of my brain is telling me to not event think of that since he has a girlfriend. Someone else has a 100 percent crush on me at work and they are a "christian" a deep devoted one. I do not like them like that. They are nice but there issues with religion is insane. Speaking of religion my mother bases her life off patriarchial POV in some sick tradition italian way (sorry to my ancestors). Her whole world view is her families. I suggested maybe it is time to move past that if its not working. I told her to switch her perpective look at all the things you did as a woman that you were told you couldnt. I wish she could see that. She also has an eating disorder which she isnt aware of. My father is now concerned which makes me equally concerned because if he is then there is definetly a problem. He finally saw its a psychological issue with her not eating. We went out and she ate none of her fish. She inspires to be skinny. Gets mad for eating pasta. Wears my pants because hers are too big. Sometimes being around her makes me feel fat because she never eats and all i do is eat. But during the day I barely want food I wish there was a pill to stop me from exhaustion and burn out. I said many times the past two days "I am having a mental break down." I wanted to throw up after the meeting at work. I smoked with Adam I felt better but stilll felt panic from the unease I felt since sunday nigt. I have my period it sucks. I havent had sex in two months, it sucks. I cried on my floor because my mom or me potentially lost my adderal. My dad displined me about getting my own pills, I hate him but hes right so I apologized and let him raise his voice which I rarely do but I know I have too much on my plate. My cousin is a drug addict. Hylan. I had to add that in because wow. My aunt amy is a narcist too smart for her own fucking good can read people like a book. Everyone is lucky that I always have good intentions and like to see the best in people or I would be like her. Ivana at work is on aderall constantly more than me and speaks a mile a minute and has the energy of a coke addict. Holly is a strong queen I dont know how she does it and a amazing teacher. I try and see the best in people I do but when this girl Sarah who I was friends with from work but then she became weird with me and started becoming slow at her job. I stopped liking her. She made me do everything today and is slower than slow. I am having a panic attack and can keep up with the kids. I enjoy them I do. Not the babies dont get me fucking started. The care giving, the baba, the poop, the dipers. What the fuck. You not my baby. But Still i dont think I enjoyed being a baby. I cried so much I hated it. Knowing my true nature I know I probably coudnt stand someone else taking care of me. Who knows how emotionally avabile my mom was. She was giving me to my aunt or nanny constantly. I feel bad for my mom she never got the time to truly "find herself" or question her views. Like no one pushed hen person. I think shes special. Shes smart but she has a victim mentality. the drinking did not help that and encouraged it. She always had a woe is me. Sorry I love my mom and I know this may sound bitchy but like she always looks like a lost deer. Shes been through hell and back but never used it to help other. I am sorry I can not forgive her because taking care of kids takes me out of my shit. We all have shit we get consumed with. I was able to go to work after feeling disgusted a day after Nick broke up with me. I cried because I watched Jude run away from her mother in fear because of how she acted in class. She kicked me hit me that day it made me cry for her to be angry with me. Not that she was kicking me. She just came into this world it sucks enough why make her go through more.

[miamoo27]

I lied to my dad that I got an interview G Johns Hopkins I don’t know why. I feel sad. I haven’t gotten in anywhere. Maybe I applied to the wrong schools I don’t know. But I just want to sleep it off and not think about it

[miamoo27]

Everything is felt by everything and I feel like there’s times where I’d rather be alone then always feel what others do.

I don’t care as much as others about work snf thingdbb

[miamoo27]

Change has been imposed against her will, and it has caused unbearable stress

It seemed that even when I entered the world I was anxious. Its like my mom said "I did not want to be a baby." Its true I hated being a baby and I know it. I hated probaly being taken care of, no independent, freedom or alone time. I know that because it is an innate feeling I still feel now. I feel like I was here to fit some role my parents created in their head. Thats why I strongly believe that we are all indivuals and the story of our parents and caregivers influenced us but did not "make" us. There are things that are just innately us and not even related to our experience. I always think id ben anxious even if I did not have the stressors or environment that gave me anxiety. I think thats just who I am and i learned to manage it but i think being intelligent and extrenely aware only can make one more depressed. Its the dumbing down people give to others that brings more confidence and delusion. Sadly I am not delusional, if I was maybe I would be depressed. I see what life has offered me and am highly grateful because i deeply know it could be worse. Admiring the simplicity of things that are just "here" have given more happiness then any material in this life. To be able to write the words in my mind is a blessing, the trees, the plants, the seasons, the world is a blessing. The tings that are here without human invention is the happiest things in the world.

[miamoo27]

The annoyance of being Asked

I am wrapped in my head constantly. One could say I am head strong, I am always thinking. I dont show that I am serious, depressed or lack attention but when I asked a million things when I have a million things going on I get annoyed and dont know how to redirect the people in my work, school and home life of this annoyance. I know man people need me to tend them, whether that is my mom, a coworker or an aquantiance but the frustration I feel inside when I am being asked "do you want this?" "Do you feel this?" "Can I do this" "Do you want food" "are you ok?" "How do you like this." and 9/10 it has to do with things that in my eyes do not matter. For instance, the look of my room or bathroom has no interaction with how my studies will go or my day. The small things rarely come to my attention unless I am not busy. But most of the time I am busy in my life and in my head. The past year I run and run and run. Whether that is to work to school to home to showing up for my family. Showing up and preforming has become exhausting and I feel like it has affect my mood. I cant be in a good mood around others beacause I can feel how they want me to be. I only feel like I can FULLY be myself is if I am alone, with Yasmine, Lorenzo or by myself. The reason I enjoy being alone is because I dont have to worry about pleasing others. I have a fear of not being there for others when I forget who is going to be there for me if I can not fully be myself around others. Maybe deep down I feel like I can not accept my true self. I spent time through the past years with people that wanted me to change who I am and I let them change me which caused me deep pain. Nick, Andrys and my family have lacked in the department of encouraging me to be myself. My father surpsingly with our personal differences has adovocated for me to be myself and if someone doesnt like it then ok. Sadly I didnt get his narcism and his disinterest in how others see him. I do care about how I am perceived and I do like the validation of others and I think thats just human. But I think I overly been attached to the idead of validatoin and never give myself the time to maybe validate me. This comes with knowing my values and that thought has been stuck to my mind for years. What are my values?

[miamoo27]

Alochol ruins people

Lets me tell you something. Theres a really hurt, traumatized, kind person under every alocholic. Trauma is the only gateway to drugs. Its true. Something led you to something dangerous for relief from something dangerous in your life. Something that shows itself as a threat to you. Like when your around that person or situation your body is sore.

When I thinka bout breaking up my parents fights as a kid it makes me sad. I would never want to see a kid that sad like I was or have to do that. Working with kids sometimes makes me realize how much parents shape their kids. I cant believe my brother and I would have to break up fist fights at 14 years old. My brother is tough, I am strong. He keeps blinders on I dont let the wind break me. My mother is wild but courgeous. My father is avoidant but selfless.My dad was there when there was a medical emergency. But mental forget about it. My dad ignored every cry for help I ever gave and he did that to all his kids. I would tell him the pain I feel and he would say his father did the same but he is ok so I will be.

One day my mom and I were fighting a lot. Probably about her dirnking or something dumb but she called my dad when he was not living here to pick me up. He did he came for me. He took me to the temlpe a mile down the main road. He parked his jeep and we sat in the car while he told me about my papau (his father). How he hated him for a while, that he was abusive, ignorant, angry and mean. He told me how he got through it though. I knew what he meant and It meant a lot for someone who never opened up. It triggered my dad my mom was an angry drunk. She was so sad that she was angry to a point of everything made her mad. My father mostly and me, Sam not so much only if he didnt talk to her. She loved him, my mom let him get away with everything in high school. Which led to him loving the bottle maybe more or as much as my mom.

I was stoned most of the time my brother was drunk. I hated his parties. His friends were the "popular" older kids. I didnt like them that much. They always made me nervous. Never spoke to me and looked at me as "Sams little sister." I knew they thought I was a whore for rumors about Andrys and I. I didnt care. I did care because I actually sadly want other people to like me.

Usually during my brother house parties where I could not freely just smoke with my friends in my room and paint I would go to Maxs or Yasmines. Max being my ex boyfriend I sometimes fucked around with. I would have to dispear from the house I would not stand it.

One night I came home from Maxs and I look down stairs and my old best friend Chandler was downstairs with my brother. In my head I thought what I little fucking whore. But I smiled and Wanted to give the middle finger to her little posey of friends. Ugh I hated everyone at my school, they made me feel awkard. I didnt like lululemon leggings, they all wore them though and I would force myself to fit in for some reason. All. the guys liked them. I thought I was pretty but not perfect. I didnt have clear skin, nice teeth and amazingly straight soft silky hair. I knew I wouldnt be them. They didnt fuck though. Opps. They didnt have my spunk, ew. I cant believe I am writing this as a 23 year old but I know I was thinking this at 16.

I was jealous of them. I hate to admit it but I hated how they were admired. I focused on smoking, my art and my friends but also the new guys I can fuck. I looked for validation in the wrong places and the wrong people. I had no role model. My aunt maybe was but my mom could careless if I was ok she was the one that made me feel so much pain. I hated how attatched I was to her. I always wanted her to be happy when her focus was on other things. So I did the same.

This led to mother calling me a WHORE THAT LETS ANYONE INTO HER TWAT. holy shit I can not believe she actually said that to me. Looking back her drunkness is funny to me now. LIke I was raised bya n alocholic and I am ok. Wow, people are resilent. She was still able to feed my brother and I and opperate on like a handle of vodka a day. That bitch wild but we love her because honestly she did the best she could. She was so traumatized by her fucked up child hood tand then her marriage falling apart she got driven to the bottle. She always used to say

"first the man takes the bottle then the bottle takes the man"

[miamoo27]

Somehow I would have met him. The first day we met, I was on my period. I was 16 him 18. He was on the football team and wrestling team. He was a known player. But also, people in my school were scared of him. He was one of the only central american kids in my school. His father lived in El Salvadore and barely spoke to him. People at my high school were entitlists including my brother for judging him based off appearance.

Ok but let me get clear. As someone writing this I should mention He is very close to me. I love him dearly despite the turblent story I am about to tell you. He is somehow who is close to me now and we will be in eachothers lives forever. Ill tell you why.

We taught one another many MANY lessons

We are the type of a relationships where a Lion and a Duck become friends (me the duck) although you know you will never be friends.

Not only did he change my life but the person after him did too. I dated Andrys for 5 years on and off. We met in woodship when I was a freshmen and him a Junior. He was so hot. He turned me on immediately. I tried to get his attention but he always had a girlfriend. He would always flirt with me. Laught with me. And tell me jokes. I was hooked. But he had a girlfriend.....

In my sophomore year he got expelled. To be completely honest till this day I dont know the full story. I dont know the truth only he does the his ex girlfriend and jesus christ himself. She got a retraining order on me for doing something. Something I dont know. Something he has told me that I blocked out of my mind years ago. Something that love and naveity of high school blinded me with.

So when he got expelled and ineveiately him and his beautiful ex girldriend broke up. She was hot I didnt know at the time who I found hotter. His brother Izzy was friends with me through a mutual friend Jin. Somehow Izzy hooked us up him and Jin hung out. His house was different from the one in our town. It was run down and old. I didnt judge but I knew this impacted him. I knew how the kids were where we lived. They all did way worse things then his family. Most of there father either in the mob, embezzling, cheating or doing drugs. They judged them becaise they were hispanic. Because they were "rich" they didnt fit some bullshit suburan utopia we all tell ourselves in our head.

Suburia is insane. Bergn County even worse. How? They want everyone to fit this bubble of a constructed world. A world that isnt real. On the outside my family looked somewhat put together. A father whos a suregon, a son playing lacrosse, a daughter who is off and mother who is friendly. Meanwhile my mom is a total alocholic and my father cheating on her while my brother sell alochol to 8th graders. It was a story everyone told. There were so many other familys probably similiar, but everyone had to keep there mouth shut.

SO to lead in my parents hated him from the start because he didnt fit in. My father reminded me that I never dated "normal" guys whatever the fuck that meant. Like I was normal? I caught my father cheating at 13 years old. You think I would ever date someone normal, it wasnt in the cards.

I fucked him that night. I was on my period. It was gross, but hot. He loved it, I could tell. I never met a guy with so much passionate and energy. It was like god heard me, someone who gets it. We spoke all night watching scary movies together. I felt dirty but in a good way. I felt scared though my mother would hate this. She would be so mad. I was always looking for her approval. But then it dawned on me while walking home that she never would approve of me. She hated my friends, my clothes, my hair everything. She hated herself so she hated me, through my hate for her and my father I began my road of defying them.

[miamoo27]

I value that I don’t get phases by much. Someone could talk about anything besides rape and it won’t affect me in anyway. I’m here to help others with there pain not live in it and fester off it. I feel things heavily I know that but I also know that life is full of really fucked up shit and I lived through a lot of it. I had the experience im strong because of it I know that stenghth isn’t a drug it isn’t therapy it’s something that within you and me and the universe. It isn’t healthy to find happiness in only others wanting you and desiring you. I think it’s healthy to look at the simple things that are just here. Trees. Plants. Grass. Cars. Streets. Coffee. Air. Dirt. Seeds. Food. Drinking. Showering. anything that is just here for us. That no one can reallt take away. Maybe this is my abdonement issues. Maybe it’s my extreme ability to tune out because of my own trauma and fears. I’ve learned to just ge here. The noise tunes out. The people tune out. I’m stoned. Relaxed. Here and grounded with the earth. Pot genuinely helped me get closer to the ground beneath me and the air i breath. I’m here for something I guess if I’m here why not do what I can to make this world a better place. To pass love to others so they can do the same. It’s easy to pass judgement on random people that don’t share your experiences.

Brings me to a following point. I strongly oppose my parents ability to judge experience and peoples lives they have not lived. I don’t know what it’s like to be anyone but myself. I know that’s a fact. I can understand and accept people but I can’t truly live the lives others. My parents said why are they letting these migrants in. Why are these people coming here. They don’t know the things those people endured that sadly brought them to the point of being displaced by the American government in particular the governor of Texas. There people too. Why are we so quick to judge and have these horrific views on others. We are human we all face shit. We all have our own trials and tribulations why not understand others. We all get to one place or another by some action our past relatives had.

I haven’t lived any other experience than my own. Yet I’ve judged. Men mostly. There incompetence to contemplate emotional conversations. There avoidance behavior that leads me to feeling alone for a year with someone who would never be capable to love. I judged him harshly and told him. I still feel negatively towards him. I would have been ashamed in the past for negatively thinking about someone I used to love. But now I have enough respect for myself to never want to go back to someone like him or him. I miss him. But then I remember we don’t know one another anymore. He was a blip in my life. Someone who will never come back who will live there own life. It’s a waste of time to even ponder him. I enjoy being single. I like pleasing myself for once. It’s fun when you get to do it for you not for someone else’s pleasure. I want to bring some one my love but I’m not ready idk when I will be. I sm afraid of being hurt still. Of being wronged. And honestly I have 0 patience for children when I work with them and most of these men act like children or worse. Attention seeking. Emotional undeveloped. Sneaky and worst of whiny. Grow up. I think if my ex ever dealt with half the bs I had he would have been not in a good place.

I was taught in research methods to never use your intuition when it comes to research

[miamoo27]

I didn’t truly appreciate my mom until I saw how other kids acted. I thought to myself “ I would never.” When I started working at the preschool the parents of one of the children became friends with me on fb. She was cool seemed like a hippy mom. I didn’t know there life until I decided to babysit for them. There kids were work. More work than anything but I loved them because I believe you should love all children. We are all products mostly of our environment at that age it isn’t our fault. There’s some thing innate like personality but when that spectrum reaches a point of abnormal you start to think.

[miamoo27]

New Years 12/31/2023 4pm-12am

This is the first time I am ever alone on New Years eve. I always had plans or made them or found something to do. The past three new years eve I was with May, Andry and Nick. Three people I barely see anymore. And two of them I dont talk to at all. Theres something sad to this yet truly beautiful. I feel that this is the first time in my life I feel ok being alone. I am sad but I am ok and safe. My family is healthy and alll together for the first time in years. The trauma with my moms liver in 2022 and then now 2023 with cancer has been so challenging that it brought us together and opened someone of us up to the reality. Knowing the truth and feelings things more is so hard and challening. Everyday is a sensitivity to the way others energy it is, It feels too much. I feel so much it drains me to where I want to be alone in my little cave of art and not speak to anyone. My mood is driving me and without my lexapro and adderall id be dragging my feet hopeless walking through the day. At night I let myself breath when I finally get to smoke. Its the one relief I have to some of the dreadful energys I have to feel or maybe even manpuaatively want to feel bad (like continuing to fuck my ex when he didnt love me anymore). I self sabotaged hurt my own self because I didnt know how to be alone. Now when I finally let myself be alone I realized it isnt so bad. I am crazy but its ok because I am a loving person. I just want to give love to everyone I dont want anyone to feel the things I have to feel so hurt or lost. I want to help people. I figured out my dream of helping others because I know what its like to feel things that make you feel like your going insane. The invalidation others make you feel destroyes you. Of course your going to feel bad. I want to be there for people that felt like that. because I know it changes with the right care. I know people can change if they want to we have the innate ability to want to get better, I have hope and opitism in everyone. I used to be afraid of that optism but now I love it. I think it makes me enjoy life and understand the beauty within earth, the universe. The mind is so powerful and strong. The empathy and hope I have in others can hurt me but I know that pain is being than not being authentic to ones self. I am authencitally just a very empathetic understanding person and thats awesome even if I maybe give to the wrong people.

Shit that scared me in 2023 (writing this while stoned)

-when my mom was like dying from the chemo

-finding out my mom had breast cancer

-when nick told me he was fucking someone else

-when sean sent me all those gifts

-when my mom was high and thought there was a person in the house so we called 911( very funny tho)

-Nick breaking up with me and cancelling the trip (actually more traumatic than scary)

-being in a mosh pit at a coco and clair clair concert

-Going to a phish concert and being harrrassed by a 45 year old man to take acid for the first time (weird as fuck but good concert)

-Greening out in front of my dad multiple times

-when I was told my blood pressure was high as fuck

-the whole ashma shit and my sinusn bro mad annoying I hate it I litterally can never breath

-Everything that had to do with Nick was so traumatic literally disturbs me.

-Having like ashma attacks on the buses at work

-Honestly the trips at work were a fever dream I dont think I ever want to work there in the summer ever again.

-Seeing Andrys I dont even wanna mention it such a weird moment this summer was so off I love this fall though really made some awesome changes and been so good in school and getting out of my comfort zone. LIke since August I have been doing great. despite that bee boop with Sean that was a very odd moment. I forgot about most of it truly.

[miamoo27]

Because I was allowed

During freshmen year none of my friends from 8th appealed to me. I was so focused on Andrew my boyfriend that I forgot about a lot of my friends from middle school. I lied to my parents and told them I was going to the library with Yasmine but really I was going to Andrews house to smoke and hook up. I didn’t like him besides the fact that he gave me attention and loved me. I didn’t love him or like him he was a way to get out of the house and escape from school and “childhood.”

I couldn’t talk to anyone in school about my problems at home. Chandler and I stopped speaking after her telling me Travis knew about my moms addiction and Yasmine had other friends. I was close to the kids I was in special Ed with but I couldn’t talk to them about anything. I felt like an adult living in a child’s world. My brother was able to escape by playing lacrosse and hosting the best high school “bangers.” I was allowed to join these once in a while letting his upperclassman friends get me drunk.

Most of the time when Sam was having these parties I was upstairs doing my art or smoking. The thought of alochol and all those basic bitches in one room disturbed me. His friends cared about what others thought and looking “clean.”

I finally met a girl that was similar to me and we instantly became friends. Cierra was from the town next to me. She also had an older boyfriend and a shitty home life. We opened up to one another but she also was a sex addict. At 15 she was fucking anyone that walked and she seemed happy. We added cece who lied about her whole life but we all matched with one another on our instability in school and family. We didn’t fit in anywhere.

I should explain my high school before diving into anymore highschool stuff in this book. I grew up in a very wealthy area in Bergen county. Most peoples fathers were ceos, doctors, lawyers, accountant u get it. Most mothers went to pilates and took Xanax to escape there boring lives. Everyone was either white, Asian or Jewish if you didn’t fit in that category it was your loss. We had 5 black people in total when I went there in 2019. There was no diverse. No differences and no way to escape the dangers of Everything.

[miamoo27]

Chapter 3 I hate you mom and dad

My father joined a country club across from the hospital. It had a pool, tennis court, resturant and an ice rink. My father was always making me join things and he signed me up for lesson with an instructor when I was 7 years old.

I immediately excelled in it. My parents were impressed my whole family was. I had no friends there. I did not socialize with any of them. One of there moms wanted to fuck my dad and I could sense it. At one of my compettions when I was in 3rd grade my mom was sick and was home with my brother. It was just my dad there and she asked him if he was single. It was so awkward hearing this i ran to the bathroom for the 100th time and peed while thinking about what I just heard.

My dads money and looks were apparent to me. Seeing woman constantly flirting with him was disgusting when I knew my mom was 100 times better looking then all of them. But as a child my dad was for the most part a great father. He bonded with us taking me and Sam to pizza hut every saturday while we ran errands. He would let us listen to music loud while he drove us around in his jeep with the top down. He was a fun dad. When my parents got along I could see the spark the give eachother. When they fought they both turned into the devil my mom screaming while he ignores her or leaves the house.

By 5th grade I got my period at the special ed school I went at for only half a year. My mom hated driving the hour to get me and pick me up which resulted in her consuming way more xanax than her doctor prescribed. Sometimes driving me home with her eyes half shut. One day our cleaning lady had to drive with her to pick me up because my mom was having a panic attack. My mom slept while Mara our cleaning lady asked me about my day.

In her beautiful brazilian accent she said, "Mom is stressed and tired she loves you, you know that?" She paused looking at me in the dask board mirror. My head phone banged drakes "Take Care" album

"I dont know" I said and I put my earphone back and continued listening to drake while fantaising about a different life. The conversation ended and my mom heard none of it. Sleeping with Gucci sunglasses on a Marlboro lights on her lap.

Dont get me wrong my mother was not all that bad. She still cooked for my brother and I, took care of us when we were sick and always had a roof over our head and food on the table. However, she let life get the most of her. She knew my dad was not inlove with her anymore. It broke her heart in a million pieces the only way she knew how to solve it was drugs and alochol. She felt bad about who she become. She came to the realization that her sister brought up her kids, her husband only provided for her but gave her 0 support and understanding. She felt meaningless.

I was 13 when my moms drinking and pills got insane. My dad had moved out when I was in 7th grade and my mom drug and alochol use continued to get worse. My fathers occassional visits to our house to fuck my mom were making the problem worse. He would randomly come over beacause Sam and I hated going to his rented house in Englewood. It was not our home this was. But his time "home" was not spent with nice conversation with us. It usually was him and my mom fighting, Sam and I crying in our rooms and then my dad sometimes sleeping over. I hated it. I would tell my mom to divorce him just so there was some peace. But she couldnt she was afraid. I would steal alochol so she would not drink it, sometimes I would drink some of it myself. I would try and find pills she had and either throw them out or stash them away. I was always on the hunt for finding something of my moms. All of this made me grow up in a short period of time. I went from child to adult in no time. I watched everyones movement, I became hypervilligant of my parents and now brother who was drinking excessively at 15. Everything was a worry. I never did work because by the time I got home from school I was exhausted. When I was in school I could not focus because I was exhausted from my thoughts, the stimuli and everything around me. My teachers became worried.

I met Chandler at a terrible time. Chandler became my other best friend. Yasmine and her did not get along. Chandler was beautiful and just like me she had to grow up fast and her body and mine did too. We both had boobs and hips all the guys wanted us even the older ones. She was not nice though.

Chandlers mom also was beautiful and not in the crazy damsel in distress way mom was. CHandlers mom was a queen. Chandler also was a millionaire. She grew up where the emphasis of life is money and beauty and fucking men. I became indulged in it. Having someone to talk to about sex, drugs and alochol who got it was amazing. We got drunk together in 7th grade when I stole a bottle of red wine. We pretended to pole dance and laughed talking about who we want to fuck marry kill. She was there for my first drunk and first kiss.

"Mia Travis told me your mom is doing Percocet" Chandler told me as a warning. Like I would not want people talking about me.

"OK" I knew my mom was taking drugs but I did not know how Travis knew unless his mom told him since our moms were friends.

"You should..." Chandler began to speak

"I should what? deny that my mom is a drug addict no I dont care." I shot back at her. I hated when people cared what others thought. But I also was deeply embarrassed and hurt my friend would not comfort me.

I got up and left and walked over to Yasmines. I knocked frantically when Yasmine opened the door letting me cry in her arms. I told her about Chandler and my mom, we both sat in silence for a bit. Letting ourselves feel the pain. When I was hurt, I hurt myself, I loved emo music so I began to slit my wrists.

Strike one. When I slit my wrists I thought of a guy saving me. I dont know why I did but it is what got me through. I thought of a life so far away it was hard to stay in a place of reality. I detatched mysef and let my mom fall asleep while making lasgnana I stopped caring. I went out with a 19 year old my freshmen year and started smoking pot with him and letting him lick my neck and nipples. I explored everythign I wanted because I was allpwed to have my shit too. My parents got to fuck around and destroy there family then I will too. I disrespected men I did not trust them so I used them. My fathers cheating did not help and the fact that I found out about it.

[miamoo27]

Chapter 2 Surrounded by boys

As I got older my mom met more people from our town. Tina being one of them who is still her best friend today. Our neighbors in our first house had a son Sams age named Cade. The two would play together while cades mom and my mom drank wine and smoked cigerattes. Sam and Cade rarely let me play with them because i would "destroy things" I always got yelled at for picking the flowers in Cades yard. HIs father was a florist and had the most beautiful flower in there yard. I would pretend there were fairies inside them but then i would pick them and eat the petals.

Eventually more boys entered the mix of "friends" I shared with my brother. Only being two years apart made it diffcult not to share friends. But all his friends were boys and I was too much of a loner to make any friends or the girls would call me mud girl. I did not know how to play like a "girl" this was pre woke times. When I did make friends they usually got weirded out because i would chop the heads off all the barbies and rip there hair out, sometimes even trying to put them on fire. I would give all the heads of the barbies to my brother letting him shoot them with his airsoft gun.

Tina and her late husband Anthony had two kids one being my age (Nick) and Anythony my brothers. Nick was somewhat of a cry baby. I would wrestle him make him race me and trip always resulting in him crying hysterically. Tina loves Nic more than anything and would rush to him. My mom was usually in her own world, a couple years after I was born is when my mom and dad started fighting. My mom would drink wine and complain about my dad or her mother. I didnt cry because I knew no one would hear them. Unlike Tina who would rush to Nick if he even whimpered.

My moms drinking and my dads inattentiviness resulted in me being a tough ass once I got to 1st grade. I didnt let anything bother me, I didnt like playing with that many other kids but then I met Yasmine.

Yasmine and I hated eachother at first of course just like any best friends would. I would squirt my juice box at her head but at the end of the day we were imediately attached. We played every day together even when everyone made a rumor that I spoke to squirrels outside and ate flowers (not rumors both were true). Everyone knew me as the weird girl who also should ot be fucked with who is in sped.

Id stick my tongue out at Nick which made him cry and my kindergarten teacher screamed at me. She lectured me about my behavior and how I was disruptive to the class. That conversation haunted me. I stayed quiet and shy not speaking to Nick or any of them. I played by myself writing stories in my head about far away places. I wanted to be on the ocean. a fairy or even the squirrels in the trees. I didnt want to be here on the playground bored.

My mom noticed one day while walking our dog Jojo that I was sitting alone during recess. She told my teacher and she informed my mom that its because I was "bullying" three other girls Arielle, Ava and Katherine. My momw was shocked because I was sweet at home. The teacher told my mom I wrote them apology cards and my mom got furious calling my father right away.

One thing I can say about my dad is he knows how to put up a fight. When he cares he REALLY cares. My dad knew I was being targetted because I was already labeled as the "sped weirdo" that he spoke to my teacher.

I told you my dads a fighter he got her demoted to being a computer teacher. Later on I meet MIchelle, a greasy blond girl who also loves fairies. We play and let Yasmine join, we become a group, these are my frist true friends.

Sped. Special ed, You can not say sped anymore. But for reference of the times which this takes place in 2006 we would call it sped. I was in sped. In kindergarten the teachers noticed how fidgety, talkative, expressive and inattentive I was that they said I had ADD. They took me out of my classroom with the only friend I made and I was put in a small room with a smelly teacher and two boys. Boys. I thought maybe they would get along with me since I relate to them more.

Andrew and Turlough become my new friends too since we are forced against are will to be together. Putting three kids who cant even sit for more than a minute in the same room is a terrible idea. We never got anything done and I had a strong hatred for my teacher. I was always polite but in my head id be cursing her out. I would tell my Aunt CC all of this when she picked me up.

"Can I live with you please" I asked my aunt a million times when she would pick me up.

"Maybe" she would smile deep down she would love for me to live with her.

She never asked why but we both knew. My parents fight got louder once I got into 4th grade. There fights were sometimes about me and that would make me feel bad. My dad was upset I wasnt able to do my homework or be caught up with anything. My mom thought I was fine and to leave me be. My mom and dad did not understand me the way CC did. CC let me be myself and in my own world she did not force me to go on playdates or sit with Nick while my mom and Tina drank. She let me play with her dogs in the dirt and mud. We would have ice tea and grilled cheese. Her house was my fantasy. I wanted to be her when I was older.

My brother was my mom favorite. My mom loved Sam I could not blame her. Sam as easy going, he was not a diffcult child. The worst thing he ever did as a kid was write relentless all over our playroom wall in sharpie. He had some anger but for the most part he was easy.

My on the other hand was a walking disaster. I didnt brush my hair, I hated eating, I hated watching TV I couldnt sit with my family for too long, I was horrible in school and I cursed and said innaproiate thing all day long to everyone besides my aunt and teachers. I grew up hearing my mom trash talk everyone of course I was going to have a mouth.

Yasmine and I reunited when we were in the same 4th grade class with Mrs. Hoy. Mrs. Hoy understood all of us she was the best teacher I ever had. Being in the same class as all my best friends was amazing. Yasmine, Andrew, Turlough, Nick and Matt who would become our new friend.

Yasmine and I did everything together and she had it hard as well. Yasmine parents would fight all the time too. Her mom also would get angry at times and take it out on her. Yasmine had the responsibility of her two younger siblings which she resented. Everytime we would go downtown they would come and we couldnt talk about our crushes or One Direction.

[miamoo27]

Chapter 1: are you out of your mind.

I was born December 8th 2000. I was a scheduled c section because my mom had to have one with my brother since there were complications during his birth that caused my mother to almost die including Sam my brother. I was scheduled for December 11th but my mom wanted me on a Friday instead of a Monday. She also liked that December 8th was the immaculate conception. There was nothing immaculate about my birth. My mom had her surgery I was born cscreaming and my father thought I was a “ugly” baby later on I found out that this was because my dads father thought he was a ugly baby. They only thought I looked like my Papau my dads father. I was bald, skinny and pale. The ugliest chacteristics of any child.

My moms sister Silvia who I called CC and still do welcomed me with warm arms that was the first time I felt love. Even though I’m sure I felt attached to my mom. My aunt loved me more than anyone and I could feel it even when I was born. My aunt has no kids of her own. She had complications getting pregnant with her first husband who was a jerk and met an older Jewish man who by the time she figured she could possibly have kids didn’t want them. So Sam and I became the parents of my mom maria my dad Steve and my aunt Cc and her husband uncle Sal. I knew she was my second mother. But she became a true mom when my mom wasn’t mentally available.

I was a diffcult baby. I was always upset, hated eating, only let my mom and aunt hold me, screamed constantly and wouldn’t sleep. My parents had it with my diffcult temperament. Looking back I feel that I innately always was senstive to others and if someone didn’t catch my drift i immediately screamed until they put me down. I know this now be cause I am still the same way

Sam and I were always around my moms family. My moms mom who called Nanny took care of me when my mom had to go out. Cc took care of us at night and dropped us off and picked us up from daycare. My mom didn’t work but she had her own struggles. She would be there when we needed her but it was clear she struggled with her own anxieties and depression. Resulting her in becoming a social drinker to an alocholic by the time I reached elementary school.

It would come in waves. Sometimes my mom would be the best mom ever. Bringing sam and I gifts when she came home and cooking us amazing food. Her drinking became a result of her and my fathers fights about his kids, my learning disabilities and my dad bringing my brother up Jewish.

Sam and I didn’t care about being Jewish and Catholic until our friends asked us questions. “So u celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas?” They joked. “Yeah double the presents” we would say.

My mom for whatever reason decided to bring me up Catholic pushing me to go to CCD which I enjoyed because the history intrigued me and the stories. My parents told my grandmother (my dads mom) that they were bringing me up Catholic she panicked by telling them ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS.

They were. More because my brother and I saw at an early age how religion just separates people.