micotines-addiction

[micotines-addiction]

i see anger as my father

i would always be hiding in plain sight with a bated breath

pretending i didn’t exist

he would trudge around the house

his rage radiating into the trailer next door

even if you didn’t gaze upon him, you could still feel his anger

i’ll always remember as i felt the rough, red, bed sheets in between my fingers as he stomped near the dresser

how it was the only thing grounding me

my sister and i dashing out of the way of his war path

he was rolling his eyes around and acting amiss

wearing his ratty black shirt and family guy boxers

my stepmother gave me the pointer to just be quiet and pretend i didn’t exist

i really internalised that

it’s in every part of my being

pretend i don’t exist

everyone has experienced his rage

his quiet

that was the scariest part

the silence

he didn’t scream

he didn’t yell

it was the calm

he threw my stepbrother across the room once

i was sat in the corner

probably on the chair

or maybe on the floor?

they were bickering as thirteen-year-old boys and their stepfathers do

and i just saw my father

he who was supposed to do no wrong

(i idolised him)

heave him over his head and throw my stepbrother

i haven’t felt safe since then

i saw someone who i thought would protect me throw someone else into harms way

give into his rage instead of being level headed

that would happen to me if i made him mad enough

that would happen to me if i made ANYONE mad enough

whenever i know

(or even just assume)

people are mad at me and they’re quiet

i shut down

i freak out

i know something more is coming

whenever people are too quiet around me, i’m on edge that they’ll explode

i don’t know if it’s the fear of what they’re going to do to me or if it’s the fear of not knowing how i’ll react

anything will startle me during silent moments

i feel my skin crawl and i feel like im ready to hurl

my eyes grow wider and i’m ready to dash

my ears lay back on my head and i stare into headlights

my cotton tail sticks up and i freeze

whenever people are mad i’m being hunted

i’ve always tried to have the belief that anger can be a healthy emotion if channeled correctly

my best friend would just take her space

i never made my other best friend upset

i implode when i’m angry

it’s been taken out on me so much that i never want to do that to somebody

so when it seeps out i want to die

i never want anyone to feel that way by my hands

i shut down and i’m quiet

scared i’ll lash out

scared that any quips i offer will only make someone else’s rage grow

i’m scared by others rage and seemingly my own

[micotines-addiction]

growing up in a trailer park

made me feel so close to other humans

as the family next to us

who broke our planters with a baseball bat

had kittens born under one of their side panels

we always knew

despite our differences

we would take in one of the kittens

to ease their stress

as i would wake up

to the sound of revving engines

and walk over to the park

holding a hand in mine

until i would feel wood chips stabbing into the bottom of my feet

the neighborhood kids

would scurry over

and we would play our games

and sit on the electrical box that every parent would get livid about us sitting on

as the streetlights began to come on

and as you heard little footsteps slap against the pavement to get home

there was a sense of togetherness

we’d run into the sunset side by side

my brother and i both got injured in that house

one got rushed to the hospital

the other slept it off

im glad he went to the hospital

because i wanted him to be okay

always

i think about him every day

how he would slather his hot dogs with mustard and the smell would permeate my nose

when we would play plants vs zombies and he’d copy the motions of how they would chomp

or when my sister and i would play mario with him and turn into bubbles and make him do everything while still being close by

we would argue about who would have to go into the room and ask if we could have a snack

it was always me

how the house reeked when he was making ramen in the microwave and forgot to add water

how all of us would place a blanket on the ground and get on the top bunk and jump off

we never cleaned up the toys

you would get some miscellaneous kids meal toy sticking into your side

but my sister

my dear sister

despite our distance (both figuratively and literally)

i love her with my entire heart

i would make fun of her for listening to nightcore

and we would play littlest pet shop with eachother

she would paint on them

make them fully her own

the precision it took for her to completely transform these small things into her own beautiful creation

the paint was always bumpy and never sat right but it was always so beautiful

we would play and we were always so dramatic

and when it got too intense, i would ask to start over

she always did

i never got a bed there

confined to a couch that i would always fall in between the cushions of

and she would always have us sit on her bed

and talk about everything little kids would talk about

she humored me when i taught her to pray

she sat front row at my baptism

my dad made her leave early with him

never wanted to be in a room with my mom

(i didn’t want them to be either)

she didn’t believe in what i believed in

my joy and reverence was hers

as hers was mine

i miss the simpler days

i want to be 10 again

clasping my sisters hand and trying to find the house rumored to have a fox lounging in the front yard

and chasing down the ice cream cart from a neighborhood away that we didn’t have money for

[micotines-addiction]

after all is love just to destroy

to crack crème brûlée under your spoon to hear it divide

to jump in puddles to see them splash

or step on ice to make it crack

to prove you were there?

is it enough to live without change?

if you were to tear apart my ribcage

and grip my still beating heart with white knuckles

you would hear yourself

you would hear your laugh reverberating through the chambers

escaping through the valves

as though you had put a shell to your ear to hear the ocean

[micotines-addiction]

why do you have to ruin every breadcrumb you thrust my way?

[micotines-addiction]

a hearth brimming in your soul

i need to detach

i need to unfuse my hand from your left pocket

how you held my name there

im the cigarette that sits between your teeth

charring your gums

and tarring your lungs

i thought id always keep that lighter you gave me

the asset to destroy me

burn me down to my filter

i cleaned my room the other day

threw it away without a second thought

it ran out of butane long ago but it was a shrine to you for so long

ive let go of your fury

and though the lack of fire makes me cold

i would rather get frostbite than ever reach my hand out towards you again

[micotines-addiction]

eventually no part of me will be my own

you touch me in so many ways

you rip out my spine

and i scramble earnestly to find a replacement that puts a sparkle back in your eyes

and you hate that

and you hate the replacement after that

and i’ll sit in the lurching silence

my head in a cone of shame

i’ll shed all my skin for you

and it won’t be enough

and i’ll yearn for my body untouched

until im restored

and ruined once more

[micotines-addiction]

my biggest curse is that i love people in ways they couldn’t fathom reciprocating

how i would curl up at the bottom of your bed

ribs showing, eyes perpetually wet

and you wouldn’t even lay side by side with me

as equals

[micotines-addiction]

paint me sickly green

asbestos infected lungs

i wonder if you would extend a hand that wasn’t connected to you

i wish i didn’t want what i want

the stars i stole from your eyes

would you hold me if i didn’t make you warm

[micotines-addiction]

i think i would’ve loved

to have your dishes lay atop mine

to sit you on the counter top to speak with me as i washed them

add extra love into every dish i served you

making sure with every bite you ingested a piece of my soul

having music move through us as we danced in the kitchen

i would sit cross legged next to you

as we worked

i would’ve done your laundry

and ironed your shirts

and i would’ve talked with you through the bathroom wall

roll over in bed to see your silhouette

i’ll see you imprinted at the back of my eyes forever

i will always tell the moon about you

ask her to look after you as you sit in the snow

plead with her to allow you to let go

to allow you to move with the tides

in another life we were meant to be

we walked in tandem with eachother

you’ll always carry a piece of me in your jacket pocket

and i’ll have a part of you surrounding my heart evermore

[micotines-addiction]

and i think that

one day

you and i will be deck chairs facing eachother

a fleet of snow covering us

i can see the dust collecting

and i can only sweep so much

[micotines-addiction]

the deep tone of your voice

swimming in it

how when you get upset or serious it gets deep

how it sits higher when you’re happy

how i would listen to you speak

the sound of your breathing

your tongue turns into a whip covered from edge to edge with thorns

and warm honey

your adoration for me is on the tip of your tongue at all times

how i’d sit outside your heart

knocking

pleading

sitting under your vocal chords

curled up

feeling the vibrations pulsating in my soul

you’re beautiful

you know you’re beautiful

i still tell you

i think i try to curl up to you far too much

i want to feel the pressure of your existence nestled in my neck

i want you to hold me so close

your fingerprints tattooed throughout my skin

never without

[micotines-addiction]

no matter how i grow up

i think i’ll always be the girl who would slide down her wall sobbing after a fight with her parents

i would sob

and side eye the bedroom door

hoping that my mom would crack open the door

tears in her own eyes

and she would scoop me up in her arms

and she would walk me through how i was feeling

i still don’t know how i feel

even though i’ve grown up

it feels constantly like tears are welling up behind my eyes

and there’s joy in my stomach

and there’s anger

everything happens all at once

i love you

and i hate you

all at the same time

[micotines-addiction]

i can’t fucking stand you

[micotines-addiction]

a younger me

used to sit on the corner of my bed

covered in blue sheets with fishes swimming through the covers

my mother would be sat in the middle

and she would read me stories

and she would do the voices

and move her hands along with the narration

how i would gaze at her with stars in my eyes

i didn’t see her much

hardly ever

so when she made time for me

right before bedtime

it formed beautiful memories

there was one story in particular that always resonated with me

the giving tree

i would always latch on to every word

and mold my life to fit the story

i would give my life

my soul

every part of me for someone else

and hope that they would come back

and ask for nothing else

with my leaves wilted

my apples rotten and crawling with friends

my branches splintered

i hope that they come back

to the shell of what i used to be

and just sit with me

using me as a stool

using me one last time

[micotines-addiction]

a beautiful rock

laying restless in a crook

gigantic

untouched

uneroded

whole

for when the big storm comes

you and your sediments full of pride

all believe that you are untouchable

unshakeable

unchangeable

the big storm

brought a river

flowing steadily

beautiful in its own right

in its own currents

and how this beautiful rock

is degraded

run down

no longer holding above the flow

however it is only lesser in the physical sense

for your foundation is still there

little rock

you are changed

and that may feel ugly

however you need not believe that’s how you are in your entirety

you are changed

you are ugly

you are still standing

[micotines-addiction]

i want to feel

like me again

but i don’t even know how i am

how do i smile

how do i even look

it feels like i’m a jigsaw

with 50 pieces

half of them are missing

the rest are jammed into place

it feels as though

to complete my art piece

i’ve taken pieces that were never supposed to fit

and the pieces that are supposed to be there

have been frayed at the edges

from years of mistreatment

i don’t even know what i enjoy

it feels as though i have a surface level understanding of myself

i know that i try to be kind

i know that i fall short

but i know nothing else

[micotines-addiction]

darling

use my skin as padding

for when you experience your hardest collisions

when you slam your head against your walls

and pray away your demons

use my liver

to make up for your drunken stupors

so you may recover your own

and ruin mine

use my heart

for yours hasn’t felt in oh so long

use the love

that surrounds me like a tumor

and propel yourself towards salvation

use my eyes

glance upon the future i’ve always perceived to be yours

full of happiness

and excitement

and contentment

use my ears

for when you feel as though nobody else listens

understands

so you believe someone is in your corner

and when you have used

and wasted

every fleshy part of my desolate body

whittle my bones

into a beautiful instrument

play me

create beautiful chord progressions

the sound of my ghastly voice adding an ethereal backing

use me

leave me

take all of me

i want no body that lacks your hand in it

maneuvering as your little puppet