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I am now and forever living in the world of mu. Thank you Henry, thank you Valerie, thank you for turning my life into something completely different. L

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Hi everyone,

Now it’s post guy Fawkes- typically my favourite night of the year, the period of the academic year where you still feel anything is possible, even if you’ve been a bit lazy so far there is still time of time to get back on track without too much strum and drank. I’ve kind of fallen off a cliff these past 2 months. Yeah. Let’s be honest it’s been bad, I’ve hit rock bottom again. I’m back here, at home on my parents house, having put on all of the weight I’ve ever had. I’ve spent the days feeling like I had this moth in my brain or something. I haven’t done much for two months. Just gotten older poorer and fatter. Spent the time glued to the news which was awful. Trying to get things going but just falling at the first. My attention was not there. Anyway I’ve been continuing to meditate and learn from Henry. I know I’ve said this a lot but I do feel like something has shifted recently. I feel like my life is making sense more, and that I can welcome everything that comes up, even the brain moth. It’s trying to tell me something. If I just listen to it I stared of feeling depressed about it I can actually experience it as something beautiful instead of horrible.

Anyway now I’ve come to this way next? What am I going to do? Just go back to my life with more confidence if that’s the right word? I guess it is. I’m still just amazed at being here, by the wonder and oddness of this life of me

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Hi everyone, it’s been a while, I’ve been on a journey around the Center, fallen so deep yeah I’m gonna drown drown drown hand down deeper I was taking it slow found the deepest now I guess there’s no hope

Head deeper heading below taking it fast now it’s taking it oh so slow

Dragged in deeper you in tow let me down fast now your up real slow

Whirlpool pull me deeper and down fallen so deep yeah I’m going to drown drown drown

Head down deeper found the deep yeah now I guess there’s no hope

That’s a new song by panda bear btw. I’ve had an interesting time, started and actually very successfully completed a course which can if I try give me a new career, it’s now Wednesday, the course finished on Friday, I haven’t really done any work since it finished, which might be a mistake. It was really really hard work and I haven’t had any time off since mid May (pretty much) so it’s ok to have a break. I’m going to a festival today (actually tomorrow but since I’ve already declared this as Wednesday when it’s actually 10pm on Tuesday never mind. I’m listening to aphex twin, particularly cx something something.

The reason I’ve decided to start this up again is that my iCloud is full so I can’t write it there, and here is still an available space I can write on.

The more broad reason for writing this is to play with fonts.

Only joking, now I’m in monospace land how lovely.

Oh no. Ok anyway why I am writing in this horrible font. Do I actually hate it? Maybe I’m just prejudiced. The reason I am writing is that I have to start thinking about what it is that I want in life, what is my quest. I’ve had that answered quite easily because I was doing the course, actually it would be quite a good idea just to continue that quest, I want to become that thing I just did a very hard course about. Yeah that sounds about right. What about a bigger goal, what do I want to do, what kind of person do I want to be, who do I want to help, where do I want to be. Do I want to be here? What sort of person do I want to be? How do I want to move through the world. I want to be like those people I admire:

Sees pretty much only the good in people

Is fun and joyful

Is themselves

don’t judge

Live in the moment

Has deep interests

Is sincere

Smells nice

Is aware of their own needs and desires

Is healthy

Elevates and is admired by people

Has skills

Artistic

Able to love and be loved

So yeah those are the traits I want to have, and I want to be able to be that in the context of whatever I do as a profession or wherever I end up, they are ‘obviously’ more important than what and when.

Ok so continue my mission while also cultivating those traits. How? Living life whilst doing the practice which give me energy and drive to succeed, that’s actually quite important, and something which I absolutely have not had.

The practice needs a clear goal and challenges otherwise there is nothing for it to rub against and be tested against, that’s why I’ve got to get my goals and vision clearer.

I had a dream about that last night- about getting my story straight and how would I know that isn’t a lie- isn’t it more authentic to just Bimble brush through life, seeing how you respond to things-well, maybe but maybe not because I’m not playing any part then, I’m just filling in whatever gaps might be present, I’m not really being anything, and maybe that’s ok for some people but I don’t think it is ok for me, I have been extremely unhappy living like this, although it does have its comforts and comfortableness and cozy feeling, like I could just curl up on this sofa and forget all of my problems, just don’t move all day, maybe smoke some weed but just lie there curled up and warm. That’s kind of like what I’ve been doing with my life, just not taking any forwards action and hoping that everything would keep quiet.

It’s weird because it’s not like when I do things I have particularly negative experiences most of the time, most of the time things go fairly well, I enjoy doing the thing and am usually pretty well liked and everything in groups, but I’m still lacking in something which gives me the drive to go onto the next thing.

Today is the first day ever I am really going to test the practice, test myself. I’m going to focus first on what I want to become again, the vision part, then act accordingly. I’m feeling tired already having just had my coffee. That would used to have given me an excuse- I’m feeling tired, I’ve just finished a heavy course, let’s chill today, maybe even fob off this festival saying I’m ill or something, let’s just have another few days on the sofa, I deserve it! No, that’s not actually a treat- its a punishment, your condemning yourself to feel like shit about yourself, probably not sleep because you’ll be so unfulfilled by the days, and generally just feel like crap. It’s not a treat to lie down and do fuck all apart from eat Maltese’s, in fact it’s a punishment. It’s not fun! It’s boring and uncomfortable and a negative experience. Doing things is fun. Meeting people is fun, learning is fun, challenging yourself is fun. Lying on the sofa is not fun. Watching Rick and morty stoned is fun but only if it’s after having done something meaningful, not after having done nothing at all.

So yeah there we go. Nothing very profound. These are all lessons that most people live their lives on past some kind of teenage rut but for one reason or another I never got there, I just kept falling back into the same hole again and again, whenever one project ended I found myself sinking back into the abyss of doing nothing and feeling crap. I’m at another junction now, what will I do? Will I just stagnate and rot or will I move forwards?

Will this practice change this habit, or am I too far gone, unrecognisable, frightened by the message light from the phone on the bedside table.

I’ve been there, in that exact position, curtains drawn, phone off, waking up at midday, spending my days listening to pop and fiddling around, never getting more than a sentence into the book I wanted to read or write. That’s what I am up against, my bad tendencies.

Can I overcome them using this new practice?

That’s what I am going to find out.

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Hi everyone, feeling ok today, I finally managed to finish my “work” and am now free. Everything has kind of gone to shit with MDing and everything which I was able to do fairly consistently the first bit of the year has gone out the window. My diet is completely crap and I haven’t done any exercise for ages. So things have gone a bit sideways. I need to get back on a more steady thing.

Anyway I’m glad that I have this break coming up, I really need to consider many things now. Including if I want to move to another city where my job options would be better, also may be a place that suits me better. There are things I like about living here but not everything, in fact I don’t like quite a lot. It’s stressful. But there are of things I like and a lot of things I still want to do. So mixed feelings. I think I will apply to jobs down there and if I get a good one I’ll seriously consider going, but if not I don’t then I won’t. Feel so bored with worrying about money. Stuff is going down or sideways instead of going up and it’s not good.

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Hi everyone, I’m currently in “work crisis” mode which is a bit silly, I’ve had so long to do this but still somehow have a massive crunch, I basically have 12 hours to finish it, possible but not good at all. Anyway I’m going to do it. It won’t be as good as it could have been but it’ll be something. This is the first piece of writing I’ve done for years so maybe it’s not surprising that I’m a bit rusty. I have t md’d since Saturday, two days ago. To be honest I haven’t been living the change lately, mainly because I’ve had to focus on doing this work and it’s just consumed me, even though I don’t really study for much time per day, I am not or give myself the excuse that I can’t focus on anything else so I don’t do any exercise, don’t meditate or see friends I just ‘do work’ but most of the time I’m just getting stoned and watching the Witcher. I need to get better at doing stuff. I really do! I haven’t gone anywhere for years because I don’t do anything because I’m so crap at doing things. This is the first time I’ve done work “for myself” for ages, and I will have done it, however imperfectly.

It’s a start. I can do it. I do have to be a bit humble, yes but I can actually get stuff done. And I can do it a lot better than this.

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Hi everyone so I just want to give a brief overview of yesterday and how I see today going. It’s Saturday today, I’m actually awake quite early which is really good. Yesterday I did some work but only about 2 hours, I started at about 1 pm which wasn’t great, and then quickly just basically got stuck and ended up getting bogged down with reading papers etc. anyway I did finally realise why it wasn’t making sense and now a good chunk of my assignment now makes sense, or at least will make sense when I actually get round to writing it (insert grimace). When I was writing I was quite aware of all of these blockages, I wasn’t able to focus well or really at all. Today I’ve md’d, also taken magnesium and theanine supplements, so I’m hoping that will help, although I think/ know that my main blockages are emotionally based. Anyway I only have a couple of days now, literally it needs to be done today. I think that I have enough resources now so let’s go! Finish at least a decent draft today. This month has gone so quickly! I must try to do more with my life. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself I know. It’s so so long since I’ve done any piece of work like this. And this piece of work was meant to take a month or more. I was just so lazy and slow in getting started, and arrogant thinking I could just bash it out, and also if I want to get anything from this I have to actually give time and attention. My attention has been all over it’s true. That’s what I need to lean how to do-get my focus back, or just develop it in the first place. Even during the height of my powers I was still basically flying by the seat of my pants…

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It’s the last day at work for a while, it’s been an extremely ok work week everything has kind of gone fine, I’ve managed to deal with my typical feelings of dissatisfaction in a way that didn’t infect the rest of the day too much, and I have learned that there are definitely thoughts which I should not repress but take the thought out, put the thought itself down and feel the feelings. Thoughts are not real, not true.

Anyway now I’m sat in a cafe. In terms of my other goals I haven’t really done that much this week although I have more or less fasted for the last 2 days (today is the third) which is something.

I’m in somewhere that’s meant to be kind of genteel but it’s not at all, I guess when you get rid of all the gritty places everything kind of melges.

Have to go to some more niche areas for some actual louche news so to speak.

Anyway took 250 mg earlier today, think it was quite a potent little thing, I definitely need to homogenise them. Slightly panicking that I took too much but it will be fine, feel the panic let it pass you by… I’ll be fine.

Just booked my spot for travel to a weeklong meditation retreat I’m doing next week!

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Hi everyone another day passed, yesterday I had I guess about 100 mgs, I didn’t really feel anything, my mood was reasonable but not especially good or bad, I cooked some nice food and went for a run. I didn’t really do the work I had meant to do and also woke up late today, so everything is still unfinished after basically 8 entire days to do it which is not that good. Today I’m going to work. I have been kind of dreading it but I think it’ll be fine. What do I dread about it? I guess the feeling of disappointed and despair at my lowly position and finding some of my colleagues a bit annoying. A couple of days ago I tapped into those feelings in a very powerful way. I hope since I have connected to those deeper feelings that those ripples I felt as dissatisfaction with my job will be a bit less pervasive. I have about 7 days after today to do all of the work.

Week evaluation number one.

I’ve decided to do an appraisal about once a week. So far so steady. I have definitely been feeling a bit more focused, a bit less diffuse and distracted, however I’m still having some issues with getting up on time and then focusing on tasks. I also have really bad getting to sleep on time, but I haven’t become angry or frustrated about it, which I might have done before. I haven’t really become more moral or kind but then I haven’t really done anything, so I don’t really know. I haven’t done much of the work I need to do. I have done consistent exercise which I haven’t done in ages. I haven’t really meditated very ‘well’.

Work was OK I had some kind of familiar intrusive thoughts- this is shit, why haven’t I been promoted, what’s wrong with me etc etc but I did manage to overcome them relatively quickly instead of letting them build up and fuck me up which was nice. But I do need to get a new job. This may make my current job slightly less grim but that’s not the goal, clearly.

Last night I smoked weed, ate some sweets and snacks drank a bottle of beer. I was feeling pretty good after work. Anyway I don’t think it really helped. I was trying to watch the Witcher and I couldn’t really follow it. It seems like weed just makes me feel a bit dumb, there was a period where smoking it was very enjoyable, like beautifully relaxing and just happy. Anyway the reason, or one of the reasons that I did those things is that I’m going to go vegan today, so I had to binge yesterday, which is the kind of logic I have used forever to justify myself. Not wonderful from an actual adult but I guess that’s fairly typical of us.

Today I’m going to fast all day and hopefully for three days in total. Feel quite good about this…

With my study work just keep trying to think about it all of the time. Think about what your trying to say. It’s not easy to write something which actually says what you want it to say!

So my intentions today are fairly basic just really pare down on what you putting into your body. Don’t smoke weed, I don’t really need it to go to sleep and it just means that I can’t get up and going for ages in the morning.

Pare down inputs. Keep working on my project. Simple!

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Hi everyone, hi one and all. That’s a better phrase, seeing as though one is all and all that. Today I want to do a prospective diary, it’s the beginning of the day (actually around midday, my inability to sleep normally here continues). I’ve still got quite a dollop of work to do which I haven’t done yet. Anyway I’m going to do the next chunk today, then one more day for the last chunk and another for tidying up. I should have been able to get it done much much more quickly. ‘Never mind’ etc. I took a small md today, maybe 100 mg, two small shrooms. Not feeling the bug effects like yesterday. Going back to work tomorrow. I don’t like my job at all. I really should get a new one. I need to get a new one.

I just haven’t been able to get anything done for about 4 years, I mean that literally. Anything that I have set my mind to just evaporates. I’ve flunked so many different things, it’s been so confusing. I was on a really good track, then everything just stopped I stopped my problems, or my problem (my ego) overwhelmed the momentum that I had built up in spite of it and chucked a load of cement in the gears. Even microdosing. I guess I was t ready then but I am now. I need a goal. I have a goal, and I need a way of getting there which doesn’t involve magical thinking and fooling myself.

Work isn’t actually that bad, don’t dread it. It is what it is, the people are good, really good. The people who I don’t like I don’t even really know- the people I find annoying are good people, just really fucking loud which as a quiet person I find annoying but that’s ok. It can actually be quite fun, if I’m having a good day. The worst thing about it were the intrusive thoughts that I can’t believe I’m doing this shitty job, I can’t believe that given where I was I managed to fuck up this hard. This job is I thought a reflection of how hopeless I was. No one self respecting with my background would put up with this shit. So it was basically hurting my ego. Doing a job I thought was beneath me hurt my ego. That the truth of it.

Right anyway got to set some goals/ intentions. Do the work for 2 hours solidly. Then make some food, then do another 2 hours work (at least) have a rough draft of the 3rd part and a good idea about the fourth part. Cool.

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Took about 200 mg and then immediately after went into this study group I’m a part of. I didn’t really understand it and this feeling of not getting it, not being good enough, not being able to concentrate morphed into someone much deeper. I felt a a real sense of deep despair, a bleakness. What’s the point of anything, I’ll never find a place, even the birds singing outside just seemed futile, everything just this crushing cycle of meaningless. I really felt horrible, I felt like I was already dead. It was quite shocking. I tried to feel this let it ride through my body. I know that this well of crap is the source of my depression, or whatever I want to call it if the past however many years. Feels really good to have finally really felt it. Not really sure what to do about it though. Healing takes time, and this is only day 7.

Progress

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Hello. Another day, another day of waking up very late, had a single little mushroom, I guess about 100-150 mg. I didn’t meditate unfortunately. I did a small amount of work, smaller than is really acceptable but still something. Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I’m going to have to do a lot, and then the next day will be even bigger. I’ve got to get it done in the next two days, or am I’m fucked. I can do it, it’s actually not that much, for some reason I always stretch everything so everything I care about is rushed.

Had another kind of spiritual thing last night, listening to a talk about zen by Alan watts, he said that seeking meaning and is like looking for a stone in the middle of an onion, you ignore the beautiful skin and bore down to the and you find nothing. And that’s where freedom and creativity and energy are kind of boundless and healing is infinite. It kind of touched me brought me back to that delicious zen taste I have glimpsed a few times. I ran down to the river today to see it, I remember watching the light in the top of it. Where is the light, what is a river, what is this, who am I? These questions are a route to freedom.

Must start doing prospective diaries as well as retrospective, to kind of set out my path for the day, maybe then I’d actually have a path, which would probably help!

Ms x

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Hi everyone today has been quite a good day, I got a sort of acceptable amount of work done, despite waking up very late (11:30 am). Last night was hard. I couldn’t stop dwelling upon regret, just feeling sad, feeling like I am broken and boring. I guess that’s why I smoke weed at night, why I bring my phone to bed and listen to podcasts and stuff- to drown out that feeling.

And then cut the thought down put it in a box. Imaging your annoying alter ego is saying it- it’s nonsense. The feeling is real but the thought isn’t real. Take care of the feeling. And it’s ok again. I feel like we’re all just children really, most of us have lost our way. We spend our childhood learning to be adults and our adulthoods learning how to be children again. That what microdosing is all about for me- unwinding some of the tight ropes I’ve wound for myself. I guess what I feel is that as a young adult and adolescent I didn’t do enough and now I’m stuck. But I’ve felt like that for ever, even when I was like 18 I thought I’ve missed my chance, everything is shit and doomed. Now I really am old I’m still on the same broken record. I need to trust myself, have courage and do things instead of getting overwhelmed and everything getting cloudy.

I can still do it. I can still live a meaningful life.

MS x

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Yesterday was ok I didn’t md but managed to get a taste of what I should be doing, and remembered why I am doing it. I actually find it fun and interesting. Not doing anything and being anxious is surprisingly not much fun! I only managed a couple of hours, but they were good hours. I have now got permission to extend my deadline, so the stress is now gone. After I did some but not much work I had a pizza and 120g of chocolate and ate them. Then I got stoned, ate another meal and watched a film- the power of the dog which was very good. It captured so much with so little, I really admired the effeminate son character, to be so unyielding in such an oppressive situation, he was himself, but as his father say- maybe too hard, too tough. The toughness was deep, possibly a bit sociopathic but it allowed his outer self to be free. I guess to be yourself in those places requires a degree of coldness and detachment. Cumberbath through his self deception couldn’t see that at all.

Then I smoked more weed, ate another enormous meal and watched a dumb comedy about someone accidentally chopping off their penis which I also really enjoyed, it was oddly sweet and quite funny. Ended up going to sleep at about 4am which was not part of the plan. Self discipline has so far not really happened. Must Try Harder. The Nobel eightfold path. That’s a good thing to keep in mind.

M’S’r

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So yesterday was really a terrible failure. I ended up staying in bed all day, smoked quite a lot of weed and just failed to launch. I felt really tired with the micro dose, though that might just be me not getting enough sleep, or perhaps the micro dose was a bit too high, I’m going to try 200 mg next time, maybe that’s my sweet spot. I meditate, but I have got into this bad habit of lying down in bed to meditate which frankly usually does not work and ends up with me falling asleep. And then when I woke up I had these horrible conflicting feelings and the conviction that I shouldn’t leave the house, and I didn’t. Anyway this morning I have done some proper meditation although and came to a realisation (maybe).

I am not depressed, I am fairly certain of that. What I feel when I feel drained, when I feel kind of disabled is kind of brittle boredom, kind or reminds me when Bilbo says he feels like butter dragged over too much toast, but somehow thick at the same time. It’s really not a nice feeling. The way to get through that thick/ thin shell of confusion is to sink through it, which you can do with meditation, microdosing somehow using ally makes this easier, and can also just help bring the joy of noticing, which makes everything more fun.

Today I’m going to not take another MD, and I am going to go out and have a productive day.

If anyone is reading this, Hello!

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I’m definitely feeling different. I took 250 mg today, maybe one hour ago. How does it feel different. It’s like i can see through things down to the bone, cut through the layers of suffocating stuff which surrounded me for so long. I don’t feel good or bad I just feel. I can still fuck up and I can still do good things, but I feel like it’s me doing them, instead of this set of feelings and habits which had taken on a life of their own. I’m meditating and focusing on how pleasurable sensations are, like the air against my face or the sheets against my skin. It’s like being hugged by the cosmos.

My life is pretty barren at the moment, I have let my self doubts rule me and I’ve avoided everything to the point where my life is crushed under the stillness of the nothing I had hurried towards. So I’ve got to rebuild, or actually just build. I’ve got good bricks though, throughout my time being confused I have picked up enough bricks but I never built them into anything. But I’ve still got the bricks. I always feared being trapped in a shitty building, probably something to do with parents trapped in an unhappy marriage, and the feeling like the suburban life of my childhood was a collective nightmare constructed by good people.

Anyway so I’ve always been able to see good bricks, kind of see a way forward. So now I’ve just got to go for that? Or should I find a totally new path?

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Not doing a md today, will restart tomorrow. I did something that I’m not very proud of today. I have to make the most of it though to kind of make it ok in my head. I can do it though, it’s not like a irredeemably bad thing, if I make some effort I can turn it into a good thing, or at least a neutral thing. Must get in and make it so!

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Yester day was New Year’s Eve and I went to a small party, I had taken a micro dose of 250 mg before and it was ok, I was quite relaxed and everything was quite easy. I then had quite a lot of booze and took a couple of keys of K and also had some weed. Cripes. Anyway the vibe got a bit weirder, basically everyone was complaining about this one person at the party in a way that I didn’t think was very fair. So in general the party didn’t leave me feeling too great, the curse of NYE continues. Just kind of odd and uncomfortable.

Tomorrow is a new day (a new year, I’m counting it as starting from tomorrow.) going to try to get up really early to md and set intentions before work.

Love, MSer