midnightnvggets

[midnightnvggets]

people always say that this will get easier with time. what if i don’t want it to? i have to ask, have you been reading this blog? keeping occasional tabs on it to see how i’ve been doing? is it wishful thinking to hope you have been, that some small part of you still cares about me enough to worry the slightest bit? i’d settle for morbid curiosity, or vague disgust. i just want the honor of being able to rest in a corner of your brain. i’m happy for you, genuinely. i just wish i could still share my life with you. so many things have happened since we last truly spoke, and i wasn’t lying when i said that nobody understands me the way you do. i’m moving away for college soon, and every part of me has been fighting not to reach out and make one last ditch effort to ask: come with me? we could start over, start fresh in a new city. my ache for you is stronger than my anger, stronger than my heartbreak, stronger than any bond i’ve created in the time before and since. i still find myself utterly devoted to you, and there appears to be nothing i can do to change that. i just hope that what you did with him while we were separate wasn’t a factor in your final choice, because i would have forgiven you without a doubt. i will always forgive you. i hope that one day you’ll allow me to prove that i can be forgiven, too. we fell together like puzzle pieces, completed each other in ways i’ve never felt before. i realize now that i have never felt as safe as i did next to you. i would give anything to return to your side, to provide for you that same comfort and safety. my mom tells a story of how, when she was younger, she fell in love with a guy who she really truly loved. she was too afraid of commitment, and hurt him badly, and realized too late that he was the one she wanted to share her future with. she speaks of him as one of her greatest regrets. i don’t want you to be my greatest regret. i’ve been working on myself to be a healthier, happier person. it’s been working. i found a specialist who was able to identify and diagnose my dissociation, and we’ve made progress! and we’ve isolated the reasoning behind my romantic avoidance, and we’re actively addressing that trauma in sessions now. i’m getting better. i want nothing more than to show you. i used to wonder if i was capable of really actually loving someone, or if i was only able to feel bpd-based obsession. my feelings for you have proven that i can love, and i can delight and revel in the feeling. i love you more than i’ve ever loved before, and i simmer with it. it is all consuming, but in a slow, steady, warm way unlike the way i’ve felt with others. you are the sun. if you do happen to be reading this, please. if any small part of you misses me at all, please call me or text me or reach out in any way. i love you. i miss you. my arms ache to hold you, my heart aches to beat in time with yours. my offer still stands, and my number won’t change. i love you, jack. always and forever, more than anything.

[midnightnvggets]

tried to gps my way home from yours (even though ive made more trips than i can count. even though it was my last chance to prove i knew the route by heart.) and it told me i had already arrived home. you seriously cannot make this shit up.

[midnightnvggets]

the sun is out and the breeze is cool and all i want is to sit by the river with you

[midnightnvggets]