mikayladesousa

[mikayladesousa]

carve ur initials into me like a true romantic

[mikayladesousa]

i think women should start doing more harm

[mikayladesousa]

who wants to have a fucked up thing with me

[mikayladesousa]

— rhythmicrhinoceros

[mikayladesousa]

i do think you have to be a bit pathetic to be truly hot

[mikayladesousa]

The preacher may never marry us and my mama may never know you but I can kiss you over a flask of whiskey and dance with you under the stars and if that isn’t marriage I’m not sure what else God is looking for. 

[mikayladesousa]

Your so annoying. . Unfortunately in a kinda sexy way. ...

Oh it's over for you idiot now I'm in your head

[mikayladesousa]

i think i love you, which is odd, because i promised myself i couldn't love anything that breathes - on account of a sense for the dramatic and also one time i got thrown against the ground so hard that the splatter was chalk dust. i said i'd never let that happen standing up. it happened like a sunrise anyway, between the fingers over my eyes. you flew as a bird and made a nest in my heart. i want it to pass over me like a locust. my hands keep shaking. anything close can cut through bone. like looking down a deep hole, i hear the stones skitter over and plunge. i wanna be an adult about this and instead i feel like crying. this will only make things worse. i wasn't supposed to do this again. what a fool, this girl.

it's like she wants to get hurt.

[mikayladesousa]

don't let my tits distract u from the fact that i'm not ok in the head

[mikayladesousa]

[mikayladesousa]

what the fuck is wrong with you i want you so bad

[mikayladesousa]

“Loving me isn’t easy, I have sharp edges, I have missing parts.”

— Donte Collins

[mikayladesousa]

June Gehringer, “I get so jealous of euthanized dogs”

[mikayladesousa]

@ladyintree she's not entirely sure why she keeps answering misty's calls, as if she ever wants to talk to her— not that she does much of the talking, because misty spouts out so much information that mikayla can hardly get a word in, even if she wanted to. most of the time, she just zones out, drowning out everything misty's saying, because most of it's unimportant. she only answers for one reason, and she thinks misty knows that, uses it against her.

mikayla stopped listening a while ago, absently washing the dishes as misty goes on about whatever, just becoming background noise at this point. eventually, she begins to lose hope that misty's ever going to bring up the one person mikayla wants to hear about, having become her only method of checking up on taissa, because reaching out to her first isn't an option. if she wanted to talk to her, she would, and she hasn't, so mikayla isn't going to put herself through the embarrassment of seeking out someone who didn't even care enough to check on her.

“ i'm hanging up now, ” she says abruptly, cutting misty off mid-sentence. just as mikayla begins to pull the phone away, fully intending on doing as she said and hanging up, putting an end to the headache misty's already created, misty seems to panic. "wait, i have something to tell you." as if that's not what she's been doing this entire fucking time. "something i think you'd want to know about. something nobody else seems to want to tell you."

mikayla's still uninterested, rolling her eyes. “ i don't have time to fucking listen— ”

"tai's engaged."

she stops breathing entirely, stops moving entirely, the phone almost slipping out of her hand. but it doesn't, because once the words start to register, she tightens her grip on it, the plastic beginning to crack in her hand. she feels frozen in place, just staring blankly at the sink, feeling her heart break all over again. she can practically hear misty smirking on the other end of the phone, pleased with herself, but mikayla feels too betrayed by taissa to even begin to care about whatever sick amusement misty's getting out of this. finally, she speaks, managing a broken: “ what? ”

asking anything at all was a mistake, because misty starts rattling off information, fucking gleeful about it, like every word isn't just another dagger in mikayla's heart. she's listening now, despite the ringing in her ears, because she hadn't even been aware that tai was with someone until now. it shouldn't surprise her, because of course she's moved on without mikayla, but she didn't want to know about it. a year together, misty tells her, along with other details that begin to blur together.

mikayla feels sick, her stomach turning, finally moving just so she can use her free hand to hold onto the counter, afraid she might slide down to her knees if she doesn't. she moved on. she doesn't want mikayla anymore. she loves someone else. and again, misty becomes background noise, drowned out by the memories of tai in the wilderness, telling her how she loved her, how she didn't want anyone else, how she'd wait for her. it was all a fucking lie. she thought she was hurting before, but nothing compares to the way she feels now, the certainty of knowing that taissa doesn't love her anymore ripping her open.

"i just thought you should know," misty says innocently on the other end of the line, and finally, mikayla snaps, bringing the phone against the counter, slamming it down, again and again until it breaks apart against the counter. she can feels tears streaming down her face, but she makes no sound, staying eerily quiet, afraid that if she even opens her mouth, she's going to start sobbing. breaking the phone provided some release, though not much, so she reaches for a glass, smashing it into the floor, and then another, just throwing everything around her, hoping that the sound of breaking glass might drown out all the thoughts in her head. it doesn't work.

she should have known this would happen eventually. maybe a part of her did. or maybe a part of her was still holding onto a shred of hope, convinced that tai would come back to her eventually, that she would realize happiness wasn't possible without her, that she felt just as empty without her as mikayla did. if what they had was real, she would have come back. but maybe it wasn't real. maybe mikayla was the idiot, clinging onto something that meant nothing more than survival to taissa. she doesn't want to believe that, because it doesn't make any sense at all, but she doesn't understand how tai could just do this so easily, move on like she's nothing, like they were nothing, just forgetting about her the second they got back to new jersey.

mikayla reaches for another plate, smashing it against the counter, but it slips, a shard slicing into her hand. the pain doesn't register, because the ache in her heart overshadows it, makes her numb to everything else, even as the blood begins to pool, dripping onto the floor. she ignores it, grabbing more glass and smashing it, smearing her blood across everything, until finally, there's nothing left around her to break. she makes the mistake of looking down, looking at all the shards and blood across the kitchen floor, and for a moment, she's taken back to that night, seeing his body in the middle of the kitchen floor, glass and blood surrounding them. the night she really lost tai, because while she planned on going back to her once she was free, she realized in the back of that police car that she couldn't, that there was no way for her to reach out. she had to wait for tai instead, and that moment never came.

finally she breaks down, her back against the wall, slowly sliding down. she ignores the blood, even as she smears it across her face, burying her fingers in her hair. she's crying now, her vision completely blurred, which doesn't matter, because all she can see is her. her, the girl she still loves, the girl who doesn't love her back. she lets out a scream, hoping it might make her feel even the slightest bit better, but when she's done, her throat raw, she realizes it did absolutely nothing. of course it didn't, because nothing's going to help, not when every breath she takes hurts, because tai isn't here, because she's never going to be here. because she loves someone else.

the taste of her own blood, intermixed with tears, dripping against her mouth is what brings her back into reality, self-preservation finally taking over. she pulls her injured hand away from her head to look at the wound, cringing at just how deep the gash is, a slice across her palm, right below her thumb. she still can't feel it, but she knows she has to deal with it anyway, that she can't let herself just bleed out because she's heartbroken, so she fumbles for the nearest rag, wrapping it around her hand in an attempt to stop the bleeding. she doesn't want to go anywhere, not when her eyes are still red from crying, throat sore from screaming, but she has to, struggling to her feet, forcing herself to the hospital.

[mikayladesousa]

ignoring the 90s of it all

[mikayladesousa]

"that's one of the girls who got stranded out there with you, isn't it?"

mikayla's thrown off by the sound of calypso's voice, gaze momentarily torn away from the television to glance at her wife, confused. she's not supposed to be home yet, and the fact that she is annoys mikayla, though she doesn't let it show in her features. instead, she looks disinterested, her focus shifting back to the news, not even bothering to consider how it might look to calypso: mikayla, at the edge of her seat, staring intently at the television, invested for someone who's never shown an interest in politics before in her life.

“ yeah. they're announcing the winner soon. ” she forces herself to answer, clearly not interested in speaking about it any more than that, because she's trying to focus. if she weren't preoccupied with tai's campaign, then maybe she would recognize that she should say more to her wife: ask her why she's home so early, ask her how her day was, just fucking greet her. she's tried to play the role of a decent wife for years, but it's not anywhere near the top of her priority list now, inching even closer to the television.

IN A STUNNING UPSET, TAISSA TURNER HAS DEFEATED INCUMBENT PHIL BATHURST TO BECOME NEW JERSEY'S FIRST BLACK WOMAN ELECTED TO THE STATE SENATE.

mikayla forgets calypso is there. she forgets everything, really: the fact that this shouldn't mean anything to her, shouldn't make her proud, because taissa is supposed to be nothing but a part of her past now. but she doesn't remember that, just for a moment, grinning wider than she ever has in front of her wife, relieved laughter falling past her lips. she wants to call tai, congratulate her, forgetting it's not her place, that she doesn't get to play the role of proud girlfriend. finally, she looks away from the television to find her phone, but that's when she remembers she's not alone, that the woman she married is in the same room, watching her.

there are tears in calypso's eyes, heartbreak written across her entire face. instead of feeling concern, mikayla's only annoyed. “ what the fuck is wrong with you? ” she asks, smile fading with confusion.

""it was her." it's not a question, spoken with absolute certainty, though mikayla can't possibly figure out what she's talking about. the confusion must be written all over her face, because calypso clarifies: "the girl you were in love with out there. it was her."

“ what the fuck? ” mikayla's face feels warm, because she's not wrong, but is it that obvious? just from her watching the fucking tv? “ why the fuck are you crying? ” she asks instead of confirming, knowing that she doesn't need to. calypso knows. there's no use in denying it, no use in confirming it.

"you still love her."

“ what? ” her heart beats faster, hands shaking, because again, calypso's right. she still loves tai. she's always loved tai. that's why it was easier to never disclose who she was, to act like she hated her, knowing that if she was faced with this, she wouldn't be able to lie. but she'll still try, because the alternative is watching calypso walk away, knowing that taissa is still happy with her own wife, happy without her. she needs calypso, just so she's not alone. “ i don't— i'm just... happy for her. is that some fucking crime? ”

"all those times you left without telling me anything. yesterday, when you forgot we were supposed to spend the night together— it was because you were with her."

it's true, but not in the way that calypso thinks. mikayla was with all of them, but she can't say that, not when there's so much on the line. the image of the blackmailers dead body flashes across her mind, and she knows that she can't admit that, that she can't let her know it was more than just tai she was with. it's better if she just thinks she was cheating, but mikayla doesn't want to allow that, either.

“ you sound fucking crazy right now, calypso. i wasn't even with her. one of them— travis, he fucking died, so i've been— comforting someone else. natalie. ” she feels bad, using travis' death as the excuse, but that's how it started, didn't it? mikayla came back to new jersey because of his death, because nat wanted her help.

"don't call me crazy. you still love her."

“ god. i'm happy for her— that's fucking it. you don't know what the fuck it was like, what we went through. i'm not allowed to be happy that she's okay? that she won? ” she scoffs, finally standing, trying to reach for calypso's hands, but her wife only steps back, her eyes still shining with tears. “ baby, please— ”

"you were with her, kayla. you're lying to me."

mikayla just stares back at her, brows furrowed, unable to believe that after all her years of pretending, this is how she's found out: because she watched the results of a fucking election. “ why the fuck are you acting like this all of a sudden? since when are you so fucking insecure? ” it's too easy, reverting back to her old self— the person she was as a teenage, who would rather shove all of the blame onto everyone else than to admit she's wrong. “ it's fucking embarrassing, calypso. i've never done anything to make you not fucking trust me. so... what? did you cheat? are you just protecting that shit onto— ”

"no, you do not get to turn it around on me. you've been acting weird for fucking weeks. and you've never looked at me the way you looked at— at the fucking tv. if that's how you look when you just see a picture of her, that's all i need to know, mikayla. you still love her. at least have the decency to look me in the eye and admit it."

but mikayla won't, because she's stubborn, because she doesn't respect calypso enough to put her feelings before her own, because she hasn't admitted that in years, because she knows it's unrequited. somewhere in new jersey, taissa's with the wife she's in love with, celebrating her win, and here mikayla is, arguing with hers, because she never got over her first love, and she can't hide it anymore.

“ i love you. i proposed to you. i married you. that doesn't mean anything to you? everything i've done for you, everything i've said to you, it just means nothing? ”

"yeah, you proposed out of fucking nowhere. so, what? did you just find something out about her? something that made you desperate to prove that you moved on, because you can't stand that she did?"

it pisses mikayla off, how right she is. all she can remember is misty telling her about the kid, the way she automatically replied with well, i'm engaged, as if that made it hurt any less. the way she hung up, immediately bought a ring, and proposed to calypso the same day, festering with rage the entire time, knowing that tai was building a family without her, having a kid despite claiming to never want one before.

"you don't love me," calypso goes on when mikayla says nothing. "you just loved that i love you. and i can't fucking do that, kayla."

“ what, so you're fucking leaving me? because of what? because i smiled when my fucking teammate won? ” mikayla scoffs, on the verge of panicking, because she's being abandoned again. first her mother, then taissa, and now calypso.

"because you're still in love with her, clearly. and if you still love her now, after everything she did to you, you're never going to be over her. and i'm not going to love someone who's in love with somebody else. i'm not doing that to myself. just because you're okay with spending your entire life waiting for someone to love you back doesn't mean i am."

“ okay, you don't need to be a fucking asshole about it, ” mikayla growls, jaw clenching. is that what she's doing? just spending her entire life waiting for taissa to suddenly love her back, the way she once did? mikayla knows, deep down, that calypso is right to leave, that it's not fair to put her through this, not when she's right: she's never going to get over taissa. she's going to go to her grave just in love with her as she'd been at eighteen, whether she ever sees her again or not.

"you wasted years of my life. you know that, right?" she's crying now, and mikayla has to stifle a groan, just staring back at calypso instead. "and you can't even say sorry?"

“ why am i going to apologize for shit you made up? you're not fucking listening to me. ” and she shouldn't, because mikayla's lying, because she refuses to admit she's wrong. “ nothing i say's going to make a different. you made up your mind. go ahead. leave me like everyone else. ”

calypso laughs through her tears, but it's angry in a way that mikayla doesn't even recognize. "playing the victim isn't going to make me stay." she wipes her tears, taking a step back. "i'm going to grab some clothes and go to my mom's. don't fucking follow me. we're done. go call her, tell her how fucking happy you are for her. i don't care. it's over, mikayla."

mikayla's chest falls, her hand raising to reach for her for a moment, but the gesture's half-hearted. when calypso just swats the hand away, it drops back to her side. “ but— ”

"no. you're not wasting any more of my time. it's over." and with that, she leaves, heading toward their bedroom to collect some clothes, leaving mikayla standing in the middle of their living room. mikayla won't find it until later, but calypso takes off her wedding ring, leaving it in the middle of the bed, serious about leaving her. and mikayla does nothing, makes no move to stop her, just glances back at the television, already playing something else, eyes drifting toward her phone, considering calling tai. but she doesn't.

[mikayladesousa]

If I had known... If I had known that you'd done that... That... that you cared that much about me, and about us... If I had known, then I would've fought for you. What do you mean? What do you mean? Fought for us. I would've fought for us. I mean, at prom and at the funeral. I mean, I... I would've been there for you, through everything. I would've been... I thought you knew. I thought you knew. From the moment we kissed on the beach. I thought you knew. Then why? Why? Why did you throw it all away? Why?

THE SUMMER I TURNED PRETTY— 2.06 'Love Fest'