miketellszagz-blog

[miketellszagz-blog]

Who-Should-Win-All-the-Various-NBA-Awards-&-How-You-Should-Feel-About-It-Column

The 2017 NBA season is almost over, which is sad. But, the 2017 NBA playoffs are almost here, which is good. Here is your 3rd Annual (slightly belated) Who-Should-Win-All-the-Various-NBA-Awards-&-How-You-Should-Feel-About-It-Column.

 1.       Russy Westbrook should win the 2017 NBA Most Valuable Player

FEELS: Collecting forty-two triple doubles &  averaging a triple-double while dragging the Oklahoma City “Steven Adams + Some Misfits” to the 5 seed is the most impressive individual season since….last year, when Steph made ten thousand three pointers, I guess. For perspective: when Lebron James won all but one MVP vote (some dumbass voted for Carmelo) in 2013, he was putting up 26p/8r/7a, while playing with 3 other All-Stars & the best supporting cast outside of San Antonio. This year, Russy is putting up 31/10/10 with the best supporting cast in all of Oklahoma.

The main argument you will hear saying Russy shouldn’t win is people saying triple doubles are overrated & arbitrary, and that we as fans & humans should not care about arbitrary statistical cutoffs. I don’t agree with it. It’s dumb. Just because a triple-double is arbitrary doesn’t mean it isn’t incredible. Also, deciding to not care about triple-doubles by calling them “arbitrary” is essentially an attempt to discredit the decimal system, which is bad, because the decimal system is important for counting things and doing math, both of which are linchpins of civilization & what separate us from the animals.

Also you may hear someone argue that some other player is more “valuable” to their team that Russy is to the Thunder. This is wrong because (a) it’s the stupidest, pendanticest, “kid-who-pushes-his-glasses-up-with-his-forefinger-before-talking”-est way to pick a league MVP & (b) nobody is more valuable to their team than Russy is to the Thunder. Russy for MVP.

 2.       Giannis Antetokounmpo should be your 2017 NBA Most Improved Player

He is much better this year than he was last year. He went from being “kid in Milwaukee who’s pretty fun to watch” to “first-team all-nba” pretty quick. Also, I spend a whole paragraph teaching you how to pronounce his name correctly & that needs to have some sort of payoff, I think.

 3.       Mike Dan Tony should be your 2017 NBA Coach of the Year

Mike D’Antoni never gets no respect, in my book. He invented the NBA as we know it today by turning a young Canadian man into two-time MVP Steve Nash, then went on to totally fuck up the Kobe-Dwight-Nash Lakers, both of which should be enough to put him in the Hall of Fame. This year he turned the Rockets into the 3rd best team in the league by excising Dwight from them & telling James Harden he’s only allowed to shoot threes.

 4.       Zach Randolph should be your 6th Man of the Year

FEELS: This award will probably go to Eric Gordon of the Rockets because this award has become “guy that doesn’t start the game but can still go off for 25 points anyway” award, which is understandable, but still. Zach Randolph doesn’t start for the Grizz anymore (this is because you need at least 4 people on the court who can jump, and neither Marc Gasol nor Zach Randolph are able to jump anymore) and he is better than Eric Gordon. 

 5.       Defensive Player of the Year: Rudy Gobert

FEELS: A lot of people want either Dray or Kawhi to win this award. Dray, because the Warriors are the best defensive team in the league when he plays, and they aren’t when he doesn’t. That’s a nuanced argument! The people who want Kawhi noticed that he’s the best at sticking to an opposing guard like a glove & making sure they don’t shoot well. That’s a simple but good argument! They’re both wrong tho. Rudy “the French Rejection” “Stifle Tower” “the Gobert Report” Gobert is better then both of those dudes (but with big dudes instead of guards). When Rudy is on the court for the Jazz, every other Jazz player just hangs out on the perimeter and prevents three point shots. They are all super comfortable letting their man drives, because if he drives, he has to run into Rudy, who will send him to the Shadow Realm. He also does a brutal job blocking the hell out of big dudes who try to post up on him. That is the point of the DPOY. So give him the DPOY. 

 6.       Rookie of the Year: Malcom Brogden

FEELS: Nobody really deserves this award. Joel Embiid only player like 30 minutes all season, Dario Saric is mediocre at best, Brogdon can’t shoot the ball, Brandon Ingram got bodied by the Buck’s shooing coach in a fight, Kris Dunn is somehow a worse shooter than Ricky Rubio, Yogi Ferrell wasn’t even on an NBA team until February, Buddy Heild plays for the Kings, DeAndre Bembry is only allowed to take 2 shots per game, Malachai Richardson is only allowed two shots per game & he plays for the Kings. But, of all the players who don’t super deserve it, Brogden doesn’t deserve it the least.

 7.       All -NBA First team: Russy Westbrook, James Harden, Lebron James, Kawhi Leonard, Marc Gasol

FEELS: As expected. The best players in the league + one center who’s just there because the rules say you need a center.  

 8.       All-NBA Second Team: Steph Curry, Kyle Lowry, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Kevin Durant, Boogie Cousins

FEELS: Boogie gets it bc you gotta have one of the spots be a center. Giannis is now eligible to get a billion goddamn dollars from the Bucks. Kevin might have made the first team if he didn’t miss a month of the season.

 9.       All-NBA Third Team: Mike Conley, Kyrie Irving, Blake Griffin, Paul Millsap, Anthony Davis

FEELS: I’m not super sure if Tony Davis counts as a center but I think he should & that’s what matters most. Also, Gordon Hayward, DeMar DeRozen, Hassan Whiteside & Paul George NOT making an all-nba team means that they will probably leave in free agency because they aren’t eligible for the super secret derrick rose max salaries anymore.

 10.   All-MTZ 1st Team: Russy Westbrook, Russy Westbrook, Russy Westbrook, Russy Westbrook, Russy Westbrook

 11.   All-MTZ 2nd Team: Richard Jefferson, Dion Waiters, Yogi Ferrell, Boogie Cousins, Jusef Nurkic

 FEELS: Richard Jefferson has no business being good. He’s old has hell, he’s balder than anyone else I’ve ever seen, his best season was 15 years ago when he played next to Jason Kidd on the Nets. But it’s 2017 and it feels like he’s the third-best player on the reigning world champion cavs some nights. Dion Waiters stared making all the dumb-as-hell threes he’s been taking his entire life & now somebody’s gonna offer him 15 million dollars a year to keep chucking next season. Yogi would be rookie of the year if the Mavs had signed him before March. Boogie leads the league in technical fouls. Jusef Nurkic was a bench player for the Nuggets, was terrible his entire time with them, and got traded for the Nuggets for Miles Plumlee, who is terrible. The Nuggets and Blazers played each other a week after the trade. Miles played terribly, because he is terrible. Jusef, who had never scored more than 12 points in a game before this, put up 33 points & 15 rebounds & trash talked his way through the post-game interview, which is super petty and super great.

12.   MTZ Hall of Fame entrants: I’m disqualifying these guys from MTZ mid- and end-year awards so I don’t end up only writing bout them for the rest of time: Vince Carter, Demarre Carroll, Zbo. FEELS: Vince Carter

I will hopefully write you a playoff preview soon.

[miketellszagz-blog]

MTZHIWHBHITNBA&HYSHBFAI

Basketball’s great & it happens almost every day. Unlike this column, which happens almost once a year now.

In my absence, I bet you’ve been wondering what has been happening in the NBA, and what you should feel about it. This will be a two-part column. Part One (this one) will detail what has been happening in the NBA & How You Should Feel About It. Part Two (the one after this one) will tell you who should win the various awards the NBA hands out to players & coaches at the end of the season. Here is What Has Been Happening in the NBA & How You Should Have Been Feeling About It: (I had to change the tense bc it has been so long since I last wrote you).

 1.       Boogie has been freed! He (and teammate Omri Casspr) were traded to the Pelicans for Buddy Heild, who you may remember as being good in college.

FEELS: Great! Boogie Cousins & Anthony Davis on the same team is so great. I hope they become good friends & that they fill out the rest of the team with semi-competent basketball players soon, bc boy do they not have them now. The Pelicans are still very bad, but have the possibility of becoming good eventually. The Kings remain bad.

 2.       Dirk has scored 30,000 points in the NBA, while I have scored 0.

FEELS: I will catch up eventually, I’m sure.

 3.       Kevin Durant is injured, but is supposed to return before the playoffs. Also, Kevin Love is hurt, but rumored to return before the playoffs.

FEELS: If I don’t get to see a Cavs-Dubs rubber match because Kevin & Kevin are hurt I will be So Dang Mad. If I don’t get a rubber match because the Warriors lose to the Spurs/Rockets/Jazz/Grizz or the Cavs lose to the Raps, I will be ok.

 4.       Serge Ibaka joined the Raps

FEELS: Pretty cool. I always liked Serge. The issue with the Raptors remains that their bench isn’t good, and their starters aren’t as good as the Cavs. This makes it pretty hard for them to beat the Cavs, which they will have to do to win a championship. Please keep reading for more insightful NBA insider tips & info.

 5.       We are halfway through our bullet-points, so it’s time to play a fun game! Image you are the GM of a bottom-tier Eastern Conference team we’ll call “not the Sixers.” The Not-Sixers have three players who might be good, one player who might be ok, and nobody else at all of value on their roster. You have to trade one of the good players, because they all play center, and you can’t play three centers at once.

1.       The first good player is secretly a bad player. He doesn’t have a jump shot & sucks at defense. You’re not sure why people think he’s a good player, because he isn’t, and you know that.

2.       The second player who might be good plays good defense. He’s solid, averages like ten points and ten rebounds in pretty limited minutes. He’s very solid, can contribute now, and has an impressive career ahead of him.

3.       The third good player has been hurt for 2 years straight & can only play 30 minutes a game because his feet are super fragile. He plays really well in those 30 minutes, but any more than that & his feet will fall off. He also can’t play games in back to back days, because, again, his feel will fall off.

So who do u trade?!

Answers: If you picked A, congrats! You’re not an idiot and know that trading players for more than you think they’re worth is always a good move. Your team’s (the Not-Sixers) future is looking up. 

 If u picked B, the-opposite-of-congrats! You’re an idiot! Player B is gonna be super good & you traded him for a second-round pick that you’re gonna waste on, like, a second-rate UK player who never pans out. 

If you picked Player C, dang. Good job seeing the future. Player C gets hurt like a week after the trade deadline & has to sit out the rest of the season (again, because his feet don’t work). 

Real answers: The Sixers (the real ones) picked B (Nerlens Noel). They traded him for essentially nothing to the Mavs. Joel Embiid got hurt a week after the deadline, leaving the Sixers without a good backup center, because, again, Player A (Jahlil Okafor) is super bad. The Sixers are the worst-run franchise in the league.

 6.       The Spurs are super good again this year

FEELS: If u ever see a person in a Spurs jersey do not approach them bc they are a devil in disguise, aiming to tempt u away from the Lord’s light with the promise of “basketball the way it’s supposed to be played” and “50 wins a year, forever and ever” Or, even worse, they’re actually a Spurs fan.

 7.       Danny Ainge has the driest powder of any GM in league history.

FEELS: I should write a column entirely on “trades Danny Ainge, the GM of the Celtics, said he almost did but then decided not to do.” (I am super bad at concise titles). Apparently he almost traded for either Jimmy Butler or for Paul George before the trade deadline this year but decided not to because….. he values Jae Crowder too much? The man is a wizard for trading a thousand-year old Kevin Garnett & Paul Pierce’s wheelchair for every one of Brooklyn’s picks for the next thousand years, but that’s all he’s done in a decade. He apparently tried to trade for Justise Winslow before he was drafted, and tried to trade for Boogie last year, and for Kevin Love and/or Klay Thompson the year before that. He says. But he didn’t do. He seems like the kinda dude who woulda made states in high school if coach had only started him in the semifinal.

 8.       The Rockets are super good & super fun to watch. They lead the league in 3’s attempted & made, overall offense, and just added Lou Will, who was shouted out in a Drake song 4 years ago. They win or lose all of their games 127-135 & it’s really easy to fall in love with all of it.

FEELS: Very gross, admitting that

 9.       Russy Westbrook is still averaging a triple-double

FEELS: Incredible.

[miketellszagz-blog]

NBA All-Star Voting Recommendations

Every year, the NBA allows fans to vote on which players they want to see play in the NBA All-Star game. Every year, I write the commissioner a strongly worded letter saying that this is a bad idea, because I am the only one with enough NBA expertise and basketball know-how to determine which players are the best & which players are the rest. Here is a copy of that letter & Adam Silver’s reply: TO: adamsilver@nba.govSUBJ: Voting Concerns Dear Adam, It has come to my attention that u are allowing fans to vote on which players get to start in the all-star game. This is a bad idea, as I am the only person with the NBA expertise & basketball know-how to determine which players are the best & which players are the rest. I urge u to see the error of ur ways & close the NBA voting portal & agree with me that I am the only person with the NBA expertise & basketball know-how to determine which players are the best & which players are the rest. I met Boogie Cousins once & he was very tall. Love, MikeNBA Insider/Blog OwnerMTZAWHITNBA&HWFAI His reply:FROM: mailer-daemon@googlemail.comSUBJ: Message Failure Delivery to the following domains has failed permanently: <adamsilver@nba.gov>. DNS Error. Address domain invalid. Could not complete delivery. We know u never met Boogie u liar. Domain name not found. So, it seems that the fan vote will continue despite my best effort. There have been 2 changes to all-star voting this year. 1. Players can now vote on the All-Star game, and the player vote will count for 25% of the ballot. FEELS: I fully expect players to attempt to sabotage the opposing conference’s team in hilarious ways. Suppose (as I do every night before I go to bed) that you are a player for the Detroit Pistons who’s getting some all-star votes. You don’t want the Western Conference All-Stars to be good, because then you’ll look dumb getting dunked on in the all-star game. So, instead of voting for the best Western Conference Players, you just vote for all the Phoenix Suns, because the Phoenix Suns are terrible. Too many conflicts of interests imo. 2. You can just vote for any ten players you want, instead of having the vote broken down by position and conference. FEELS: Great! I historically only voted for 4 Eastern Conference players (because the Eastern Conference is bad) & wrote in Barry Bonds as the last spot. Now, I can vote for the 10 players I love the most, regardless of position or team or even active NBA status. 

So, here are the 10 players you should be voting to the 2017 NBA All-Star Game. 1. Boogie Cousins: Boogie Cousins has promised to drop an R&B album if he starts the all-star game this year. There is nothing you or I or anyone has wanted more in this world than a Boogie Cousins R&B album. Vote Boogie. 

 2 & 3. Vince Carter& Demarre Carroll: my favorite players & therefore your favorite players. Vote Vince Carter because Vince Carter is the man. He’s 39 and still dunking like the Air Canada sponsorship never expired. Vote Demarre Carroll because Demarre Carroll is a long time MTZ fan favorite. The dude doesn’t have an Achilles! 

4.  Michael Gbinije: Clearly deserves some sort of recognition for knocking Dayton out of March Madness last year. He’s only averaging a half-point a game this year, but I expect that to go up next year when Scoochie, Charles Cooke & Kendall Pollard take the league by storm. 

5. Giannis Antetokounmpo: Giannis is doing wonderful basketball things, but people are ignoring this because his name is hard to pronounce & impossible to remember how to spell. Well, no more. Today is the day you learn how to pronounce “Giannis Antetokounmpo,” Zagz. To start, “Giannis” is pronounced “Yawn-iss.” You will remember this because Giannis is a Greek form of the name John, and John is a boring name. Thus, Yawnis. Second, Antetokounmpo. The easy way to remember this is that all of it of it is spelled wrong. Let’s break it down by syllables, starting with Ant. Nt is pronounced as a D, but there’s no D in Greek, so they cheated, and used nt, which does not sound like D at all, but, whatever. So the first syllable is Ad. Then, the E is in the wrong spot. The “eto” is pronounced “toe.” So, Ah-deh-toe. Anteto is Ah det toe. The M is silent. I don’t know why. Ignore the M. Ah-deh-toe-koun. Ah-deh-toe-koon. Then, lastly, the p is pronounced as a b. I’m assuming it was a typo. “Ah-deh-toe-koon-bo.” Easy. Yawniss Ahdehtoekoonbo. Impress your friends and family with this newfound knowledge. And vote for Yawniss. I’m not teaching you how to spell it tho bc even I don’t know. 

6. Chris Bosh: you gotta feel sad for him because he’s never going to play basketball again, and he loves to play basketball. (Secret NBA insider tip: Bosh may play basketball in a limited capacity next year, even though he will die if he tries too hard. You see, the NBA has very specific rules relating to player injury & health status. If Bosh doesn’t play at all this year (he won’t), the Heat can release him & his current salary won’t count against the cap ever again. [They still have to pay him, it just doesn’t count as player salary.] This would not only help the Heat be able to sign more players moving forward, but also keeps the Heat from paying the repeatedly-over-the-cap luxury tax. BUT, once released, any other team can pick him up. AND, if he plays at least 20 more games for another team, his entire salary counts again towards the Heat’s cap. He’s signed for 22 million a year through 2020, which is a huge chunk of cash to pay someone not on your team. The Heat would also have to pay a big-ass fine for this, because the rule assumes, if Bosh can play 20 games for someone else so soon, the original team is cutting Bosh jut to circumvent the cap.  The kicker is, the rule doesn’t specify minutes, just that Bosh must play 20 games. So, if you’re Chris Bosh, and you’re mad at the Heat for ending your career against your will, there’s nothing to stop you from signing with another team that hates the Heat (Mavs, Magic, Hornets), running around for 1 minute in the garbage time of 20 games, and dicking the Heat over for 3 years. Which would be super petty & immediately make Chris Bosh an all-time MTZ Fan Favorite)

7. Paul Millsap: why not

8, 9, 10: Russy Westbrook, James Harden, Kevin Durant: Yes, yes, yes. I know. James & Kevin are not MTZ fan favorites & I’ve told you to root against them many, many times. But. How funny would it be if the three former Oklahoma Thunder teammates were all starting All-Stars together. I’d never stop laughing. Plus, it’ll make a very great ending for the 30 for 30 on these three that’s gonna come out in twenty years. It’ll probably be called “Thunder University,” the name Durant coined for them (& poor Serge Ibaka) back in 2012 when they were all young & fun & together still. The documentary will end with a shot of them all on the court at the same time during the All-Star game, with the Sam Presti voiceover, “we just never could have predicted he would get so good, so fast.” Then credits would roll. So vote Russy/Harden/Durant to allow this to happen.

[miketellszagz-blog]

2017: The Year of the Lonely AllStar

So many NBA things are happening. Bless up.

The 2017 NBA season is the year of the lonely superstar. There are so many superhuman dudes doing so many impossible things so many night in a row. (for example, many of the players can dunk). And so so many of them are doing it without any help from anybody. There’s at least ten guys right now doing better than Kobe in 2006 (2nd-pace MVP), with even less help than Kobe in 2006 (next best Laker was…Kwame?). I’m not sure if due to changes in salary cap or if it’s just terrible incompetence by half the league, but it’s inexcusable.

So I present to you the 2017 Annual Loneliest Superstar Rankings, team by team:

 One: The Actual Superteams Category

FEELS: these teams are too good & have too many good players & it isn’t fair because I don’t like them.

30. Durant/Steph/Klay/Draymond (Warriors): lol.

29. Blake/CP3/DeAndre (Clips): 3 current or former all-NBA players. Also Jamaal Crawford.

28. Lebron/Kyrie/Love/JR (Cabs): lol

27. Dwayne Wade/Rondo/Jimmy Buckets (Bulls): I know, I know, the Bulls aren’t “acutally a good team,” but they’ve got three former all-stars. There’s not an argument to be made that they need more help. They’re just either not good enough to carry a team (Buckets), secretly not good anymore (Wade), or openly not good anymore(Rondo)

26. Carmelo/Rose/Porzingas (Knicks): definite Superteam. One of these days I’m gonna have to admit I made a mistake when I called Porzingas “pretty much just Darko, but without all the upside” but that day is not today.

  The “Don’t Have Any Superstars Who Could Get Lonely” Category

FEELS: These are the teams that don’t have anyone good enough to feel bad for.  

25. Dangelo/Nance/Swaggy (Lakers): The Lakers break from timeouts by all yelling “we love basketball,” which is good, because if you didn’t love basketball, being on a very bad Lakers team would be hard for you.

24. Kemba/Batum (Charlotte): There’s an argument that Kemba’s a superstar. It’s a bad argument, and wrong, but it’s there. 23. Whoever is on the Celtics now (Celtics): actually a good team! But there’s no super great guys on the team, and Horford/Thomas/Crowder/whoever aren’t head-and-shoulders talent level apart from each other.

22. Serge Ibaka/Misfit Toys (Magic): really bad, because Serge is really bad now.

21. Denver Nuggets: Remain the Denver Nuggets.

20. Phoenix Suns: The best player on this team might be Devin Booker, which is not stellar, because Devin Booker is a second-year player who doesn’t understand the concept of defense.  

19: Embiid/Noel/Okafor (Sixers) Embiid might be a superstar, but nobody on earth is calling the Sixers a superteam. Also it’s hard to be a superstar when your coach doesn’t let you play more than 30 minutes per game because he’s afraid you’ll break every bone in your foot again. The Sixers are bad because you can’t play three guys at center at once. Well, you can, and the Sixers are, but you don’t exactly win games doing that.

18. Karl/Lavine/Wiggins (Minnesota): I almost made a “not good now but will be really good in three years so don’t feel too bad for them” category just for the Wolves & Sixers, but I didn’t, and here we are now.

 The “Dynamic Duos” Category

FEELS: These guys all have exactly one other good friend on the team. Their other teammates vary from a bunch of talented but limited role players (Spurs/Raps) to some traffic cones in Wizards jerseys (Wizards)

17. Lowry/DeRozen (Raps): Who would have guessed that Demar Derozen would average 30 points per game & be the second-best player on his own team? Not me. Who would have guessed that a 30-year-old Kyle Lowry is making an argument that he’s the best PG in the East? Not me again. This is why I would be at best a middling NBA GM.

16. Kawhi/Lamarcus (Spurs): The Spurs have sneakily transitioned from the 2014 “pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-wide-open-three ideal perfection of basketball team” to “give the ball to Kawhi & hope he does something dope” every possession. It works, because Kawhi is super dope, but still.  

15. Conley/Gasol (Memphis): I debated calling Vince Carter a superstar still & putting them in the “superteams” category, but when you get excited when a guy dunks less for “the laws of gravity affect this man differently than it does the rest of us mortals” & more for “wow I can’t believe he can still jump at age 40” reasons, he’s not a superstar anymore. Gasol is super good & Conley remains the highest-paid NBA player of all time.

14. Whiteside/Dragic (Heat): Hassan Whiteside remains a MTZ All-Star for the time he tweeting “just keep dunking on people until they believe in you,” which will be my epitaph. Goran Dragic is also good, but never said “just keep dunking on people until they believe in you,” so he gets listed second here.

13. Brook/Lin (Brooklyn): killer nickname, terrible team.

12. Wall/Beal (Wizards): John Wall is openly mad with the Wizards because his teammate, Bradley Beal, who is worse at basketball than John, makes more money than him.

11. McCollum/Lillard (Blazers): good friends. They love shooting threes and not playing defense together.

 The “One Guy, Plus Some Other Guys” Category

FEELS: Teams with one superstar, then quality role players around him. You kinda feel bad, because they have to carry the team, but you don’t feel terrible, because there is some sort of other NBA talent on the team.

10.  Andre Drummond / Reggie Jackson/Stanley Johnson (Pistons): Andre Drummund is a wrecking ball, but he shoots 30% form the free throw line, so he’s bringing a lot of this on himself, I feel like.

9. Paul George / Jeff Teague/Monta Ellis (Pacers): I don’t wanna write about Paul George because every time I think about Paul George I think about his leg folding into thirds after falling onto the stanchion two years ago. The Pacers are ok. Paul George is good. My leg hurts for some reason?

8. Dwight /Schroeder/Sefalosha (Hawks): Dwight Howard! has made watching the Hawks a miserable experience. Just like he did the Rockets. Also the Lakers, but watching the Lakers be bad is always fun, so we aren’t mad at him for that.

7. Gordon Hayward /Gobert/Hill (Jazz): Gordon Hayward would be an All-Star if he was on any team but the Jazz. The Jazz are the second-most forgettable team in the NBA (the most forgettable are the Nuggets).  They (Hayward especially) are playing really good basketball right now & are going to make someone at ESPN really mad when they bounce the much much much more marketable Clippers out of the playoffs.

6. Harden /Capella/Pat Bev (Rockets): James Harden has become an unstoppable force. He’s terrifying and fast & immensely talented. However, he has some other players on his team, so we do not feel bad for him now. Also, the beard is super corny, so we will not feel bad for him ever.

  The “All Alone on an Island in the Middle of the Ocean” Category

FEELS: the managers of these teams should be arrested & exiled for allowing the talent they have to waste away on their otherwise awful teams for years and years, amounting to nothing.

5. Dirk (Mavs): Dirk isn’t as good as he was in 2012, but he’s still a Hall of Fame player & it hurts to watch him lose game after game because Harrison Barnes is the only person on this team that can walk in a straight line.

4. Giannis (Bucks): Will Jabari Parker ever become good at basketball? There’s no way of knowing. Probably not. Until then, Giannis will have to settle for being the second-best player in the Eastern Conference, making multiple millions of dollars, all at the age of 22.

3. Boogie (Kings): Boogie needs to be traded to a real team so we can finally find out if Boogie ruins teams or if the Kings ruin players.

2. Anthony Davis (Pelicans): Has been less lonely since Jrue Holiday came back, but still, it’s Jrue Holiday. He’s nothing to write home about. Tony Davis, on the other hand. I write about him all the time.

1. Westbrook (Westbrook): What Russy Westbrook is doing shouldn’t be possible. He’s averaging a triple double. The only person to ever do that was Oscar Robertson, and he played against guys who had side jobs as grocers during the offseason. Thirty-point games are pretty notable. 10-assist games are fairly incredible. 10-board games from point guards are bonkers. And Russy is doing all three, every night, all season long. It’s unbelievable. If I didn’t love Russ so much I’d assume it was some form of black magic.

 Also, the NBA All-Star Ballot is open. I will write you telling how I voted in a few days, probably. Vote for Vince Carter until then.

[miketellszagz-blog]

The 2017 NBA Season Continues

Most teams have played about ten games, which, in some other sports, would be mean the season is more than halfway over. But, in NBA basketball, it means a full 7/8ths of the season is left! Aren’t we lucky, to have so much basketball, all the time, forever.

1.       DeMar DeRozen is leading the NBA in scoring

FEELS: great! Terrifying! Fun! DeMichael DeJordan is the best Toronto Raptor since Vince Carter, scoring 30 points a game & ripping out the hearts and souls of opposing players. He’s also doing it on under 1 three-pointer a game. This is impressive, because threes are worth more than twos, and he’s making so many points on twos, which are worth less than threes. DeKobe DeBryant is unstoppable.

 2.       Russy Westbrook is a human cannonball

FEELS: I watched a documentary on hurricane Katrina last week, and the first 30 minutes of it was just unedited storm footage. Waves headed down city streets, winds tearing buildings apart, floods setting houses adrift, nothing but rain and rain and water up to your neck, floods and flowing silt, devastation and force. Then Russy sat out a bit in the second half to give him some rest, and finished the game with a 50-point triple-double.

3.       Anthony Davis is Hercules

There has never been a bigger gap between a team’s best player & second-best player in NBA history. Anthony Davis is putting up honest-to-goodness MVP numbers, and the next-best-player on the team (E'Twaun Moore) is putting up D-League MVP numbers.  I feel so bad for Anthony Davis.

4.       James Harden is Jafar after Jafar gets the genie powers at the end of Aladdin

FEELS: I will never as long as I live stop making fun of his beard. But, dang, 15 assists a game is a lot of assists per game.

5.       Steph Curry broke the record for most threes in a game (13)

FEELS: I am yet to make 13 threes in my whole dang life (sitting at 8, looking to add a 9th one of these days)

6.       Happy National Collegiate EMS Week!

[miketellszagz-blog]

the 2017 nba season has begun

Paul, Eric: the NBA season has started. FEELS: good

1. Anthony Davis & Russy Westbrook are national security threats & should be treated as such. 

FEELS: Russy Westbrook scored the first 50-point triple double since Kareem in '75, and Anthony Davis is like Frieza in that episode where Frieza destroys planet vegeta. (also it's weird that vegeta's home planet was just named "planet vegeta," right? Like u don't see a lotta people named earth just walking around. Did he name it after himself?) These two dudes are both playing scary monster out-of-your-mind basketball right now & I don't see a future where they stop. It's wildly disappointing they don't have teammates. Anthony Davis is really doing a good job living up to all the Kevin Garnett comparisons he had coming into the league. Dominant player, completely unstoppable on offense, block machine, ugly, doesn't have teammates, will leave in 5 years to join a superteam & win the finals. The second-best player on the Thunder might be Steven Adams, which, like, yikes.

2. The Warriors look kinda bad. Not like, bad-bad, but, Warriors-bad, which is still technically good. FEELS: so it turns out not having big tall people on a basketball team isn't great. for the winning basketball games part of the season. Idk tho, maybe their strategy is to win every game 120-114, in which case i am very excited to watch all of their games.

3. The Knicks are a "super" team FEELS: i tweeted this & thought it was funny enough to be it's own point on the blog.

4. Cavs look good FEELS: sweet. great. again. so excited to watch the cavs & warriors meet in the finals this year. what a good, cool, fun thing to happen

5. Mike Conley is the highest-pain player in the NBA & is living up to it by tying for the third-most amount of wins in the league this season (1).

6. Vince Carter is officially the oldest player in the NBA. FEELS: i will cry when Vince Carter retires in the year 2035.

[miketellszagz-blog]

How to Beat the Golden State Warriors

Welcome to A Special Edition of the MTZ 2017 NBA Preview: Mike Tells Zagz How to Beat the Warriors.

The Warriors beat the Clippers last night, 120-75. Yikes. This is terrifying. The Clippers were supposed to be like the 3 seed. Instead, they lost a basketball game by 45. I know you’re not a basketball insider like me, Zagz, but even you know you aren’t supposed to lose at all, let alone by 45. I watched about 60% of the game, and I have devised the perfect strategy to beat the Warriors. 1. The Basics: To beat the Warriors in any single game, you must score a whole bunch of points, while simultaneously not letting them score a whole bunch themselves. This seems like a fairly basic idea, but you see teams all around the league mess it up. Look at the Rockets: hiring Mike D’Antoni, running the Suns’ old Seven-Seconds-or-Less offense & cutting Dwight’s old slow ass means that they’ll almost certainly score 130 points per game. However, keeping James Harden, hiring Mie D’Antoni, and running the Suns’ old Seven-Seconds or Less offense means they’ll be giving up about 135 points per game. The opposite is true of everyone’s favorite dark-horse ECF team, Detroit. Between human giant Andre Drummond, newly acquired actual giant Boban Marjonovic, and sophomore Kawhi-wannabe Stanley Johnson, the Pistons might not allow any points at all, all season. However, between Andre’s .350 free-throw percentage, the fact that Stanley can’t shoot, and keeping a Morris twin on the roster (known bad luck), they may go whole games without a single basket.  Neither of those are recipes for beating the Warriors.

2. Get inside Kevin Durant’s Head. Kevin Durant is notoriously thin-skinned. He spent his first few years in the NBA calling egg avis on twitter “gay” before his agent told that was a really stupid idea. All you have to do is have your guards sit down with Russy Westbrook & have him tell them all the fun things that Kevin and Russy used to do for fun. Then, mid-game, have whoever’s guarding Durant tell him that they heard that Russy & Victor Oladipo, or Steven Adams, or anyone else, it doesn’t matter who, are doing those things together now, and he’s never seemed happier, and that they don’t miss Kevin at all.  That’s right, it’s the old middle-school-breakup strategy, and Kev will play right into it.

3. Lure Klay Thompson into a broom closet before the game. During away games, Klay Thompson had a habit of arriving at the stadium before the rest of the team so he would have ample time for pregame taping/icing/stretching/bracing/whatever. Teams should take advantage of this by placing an “Visiting Team Locker Room” sign on an empty broom closet, then locking Klay inside once he enters. This should hopefully prevent Klay from being able to play 100%, as he will be trapped in a broom closet.

4. Hack Draymond’s snapchat & release snaps of his ween before you play the Warriors. Draymond Green’s worst game of the Olympics occurred a few hours after he accidentally posted a snap of his dick to his story, for the whole world to see & make fun of. Replicating this, by hacking & leaking more snaps of Dray’s dick, will distract & embarrass him, and prevent him from focusing on the basketball game at hand.

5. Take advantage of Steve Kerr’s lower back pain by placing a very very comfy chair with really good lumbar support in the locker room. If you can find a good enough chair, Steve Kerr will sink into it like a pebble in a pond & won’t get up for the whole game. He has chronic back pain! If he can spend just a few hours in a very comfy chair, without his back bothering him, he’ll jump at the chance. Not actually jump. That’d hurt. But he’d skip a game for it, easy.

6. Convince Shaun Livingston he’s shrinking. This one will be tricky. Shaun Livingston, human miracle, is one of the toughest match-up in the league, by benefit of being a seven-foot-tall man playing point guard. However, if you could convince Shaun he’s no longer 7 feet tall, all that could change. You’ll need an Ocean’s-Eleven-caliber team of cat burglars and con men to sneak into Shaun Livingston’s home every night & gradually replace things he owns with slightly bigger copies of those things. Shoes a half-size up, pants a quarter inch longer, organic miniature avocadoes with normal-sized avocadoes. Shaun will most certainly not see a doctor, because last time he did (for his horrific knee injury), the doc advised amputation. He also won’t tell anyone on the Warriors for fear of getting benched or cut, due to him no longer being so tall. After months of careful switchery, Shaun’s house will be full of giant novelty items, none of his clothes will fit, and he’ll think he somehow shrank to 6 foot 8 by the all-star break. His confidence will be in ruins & he’ll never be the same again.

7. Convince David West that the time has come for his Jesuit mission and send him to Uganda for the remainder of the season. David West graduated from the Jesuit-run Xavier University & rocks a large, ugly “X” tat on his shoulder. He cares about his alma mater very much, but knows very little about Jesuit traditions & beliefs. Send a few guys in priest outfits to his apartment in the middle of the night, tell him he has been chosen for a two-year mission to serve the Jesuits in Uganda or he’ll be disowned by Xavier, and he’ll have no choice but to go with you. By the time he’s actually overseas & realizes the Jesuits don’t really do mission work & the two guys who took him to Uganda were Carmelo Anthony & Kristaps Porzingis in priest costumes, it’ll be too late.

8. Oust Turkish president/despot Recep Erdogan, and, during the ensuing tumultuous election, convince enough Turkish citizens that the best man to lead their nation from the brink of civil war is Warriors big man Zaza Pachulia. The Golden State Center has no political experience & has not played internationally for Turkey in years, but he has the intangibles & the mid-range jumper to guide the nation through the 2020s.

9. Sign & play Air Bud at PG. There’s no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball.

That’s it. 9 simple steps to beating the Golden State Warriors. Be really really good at basketball, trap Klay in a broom closet, drive Kevin Durant into a dark depression, lure Steve Kerr to sleep before every game, Hack Snapchat, conduct an elaborate six-month-long heist to replace all of Shaun Livingston’s possessions, send David West to help run a Ugandan school for orphans, stage a second military coup in the largest nation in the Middle East & run a successful election campaign for a foreign national basketball player without his knowledge, then re-live the 1997 classic family film Air Bud.

And then you gotta cross your fingers & hope Steph has an off night shooting, I guess.

Easy.

[miketellszagz-blog]

All the NBA Players who Have Lost to Matt Kavanaugh

Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of NBA players who have lost (directly, or indirectly in tournament play) to Matt Kavanaugh, and therefore cannot be trusted:

CJ McCollum (Blazers)

Lance Stephenson (Pelicans)

Joel Embiid (Sixers)

Tyler Zeller (Celtics)

Andrew Wiggins (Wolves)

Ed Davis (Blazers)

Aaron Craft (Warriors D)

Tyler Ennis (Suns)

Tony Snell (Bulls)

JaMychael Green (Memphis)

Michael Gbinije (Pistons)

Josh Henson (Bucks)

Jerami Grant (Sixers)

Elliot Williams (Warriors D)

Dez Wells (OKC D)

Rakeem Christmas (Pacers D)

Dwight Powell (Mavs D)

Josh Huestis (OKC D)

Anthony Brown (Lakers D)

[miketellszagz-blog]

Never Trust Joel Embiid

Hi Paul. Nothing NBA related has happened in years and years. I talked to a history major on the bus last week & when I asked him about Kevin Durant he told me he “wasn’t interested in all the ancient stuff” & he was writing his thesis on the Babylonians instead. This is the doldrums of the season, where other, lesser, misguided (ed. note: “actual, real, professional”) NBA writers make up nonsense to stave of the creeping cabin-fever madness of September. The most recent trend has been random dudes getting wildly excited about Joel Embiid. Joel Embiid is a current Sixer who was drafted 2 years ago but has not yet played a single minute of NBA basketball because his foot doesn’t work. He’s had 2 surgeries on stress fractures in the same spot of the same foot, which is bad, because feet are pretty important for walking, and very important for running.

Joel Embiid will probably one day be a very tall player, and may even eventually become a very good player. However, let me tell you everything I know about Joel Embiid: Joel played for Kansas in college, and his combination of size & skill led his team to the number one overall seed in the NCAA tournament. He was a force of nature in college, head and shoulders above most other centers, with biceps bigger than my head. Embiid at Kansas reminded me of a two-browed Anthony Davis. That Kansas team also started Andrew Wiggins, an Canadian. However, that Kansas team lost in the second round to a Stanford team that went on to lose to a Dayton team that started Matt Kavanaugh, because Joel Embiid was on the bench with a broken foot. Joel Embiid is a very good basketball player. However, Joel Embiid without his foot isn’t much more than a very large benchwarmer. Don’t buy into the Joel Embiid hype. He lost a game to Matt Kavanaugh. Never trust anyone who’s worse at basketball than Matt Kavanaugh.

[miketellszagz-blog]

Olympics & All-Star News

Zagz! New NBA things have happened!

1. The NBA has pulled the 2017 All-Star Game out of Charlotte as a show of protest against North Carolina's discriminatory House Bill 2.

FEELS: this is, broadly, a good thing. The NBA is a not only a multibillion, multinational corporation (thx Toronto), it is an American cultural institution. It’s pretty dope that such a huge corporate & cultural entity is using the platform is has established & the voice it has to fight pettiness & smallness & backwardness. A lotta small sportswriters came outta the woodwork to write 1500 word thinkpieces on why the NBA shouldn’t be applying political pressure, about how watching basketball is an escapist fantasy & moving the all-star game ruins that, about how it’s not the NBA’s place to impose arbitrary political requirements when choosing host cities. About how it isn’t fair to the city of Charlotte, which had much more progressive laws in place before they were overruled by house bill 2.  The last one is a fairly valid point! Charlotte had very progressive anti-discrimination workplace laws in place and HB2 was written very specifically to overrule them. This sucks for the people of Charlotte, who voted in a city council who weren’t inbred troglodytes. However, it sucks much worse for the gay/trans people in North Carolina, who can now be legally fired for their sexuality/identity. However, it is good that the NBA is doing this. If u have a platform, use it to speak and to act and to aid those who do not. If u want an all-star game, don’t make it legal to discriminate against gay people in the workforce. (Note: I would for sure be writing the opposite of this point if the NBA did something political I disagreed with, because I am a big ol’ hypocrite. That’s why I’ll never make it big as a sportswriter.) (ed. note – there are so so many reasons Mike will never make it big as a sportswriter)

 2. If u don’t love Team USA then get outta my country. FEELS:  SCENE: The year 2630. Two teens float around a dimly lit room. TEEN 1: [angsty] man, fuck Mr. Johnson. 1900-2100 is too long a time period to put on one test. Plus, it’s all dumb Earth history. I don’t need this shit. Why would ever wanna go to Earth, anyway? They still have gravity there. TEEN 2: [angsty, pretty] yeah but if we don’t pass we don’t get to take AP Space History next year, which means we won’t get to use the jetpacks till senior year. [grabs floating notecard] ok, name the three important things about the United States. TEEN 1: uh, fuck, uh. They had, uh, the first moon landing. Not the colony tho. And, uh, they were a major belligerent in all the World Wars. So that’s two. And, and. TEEN 2: think…dreams TEEN 1: ah, fuck! The Dream Team! Duh. Duh duh duh duh duh duh.

[they go in for a high five, but they’re in zero gravity so the kinda float into an awkward embrace. Her glasses float away & her hair falls on her shoulders & he finally notices how beautiful she is for the first time. He goes for a kiss. She knees him in the dick]

The Dream Team is the most important thing America has ever done. While not all USA Olympic teams are as good as the Dream Team, they are just as important and magical and fun. I will be trying to post updates for the Team USA specifically and the Olympics in general over the next few  weeks. The Olympics start Friday. The basketball team plays their first game in this Olympics against China Saturday at 6pm, EST. The last time team USA played China (2 weeks ago), they won by 50, nobody played more than half the game, and Carmelo scored 20 points in 14 minutes. Olympic Carmelo is better than Finals Lebron.

 4. There will be rugby in the Olympics this year! FEELS: This is great! I love rugby. Everyone loves rugby, it’s just some people don’t know it yet. Rugby is fun to play and fun to watch & very fun to coach. If you ever get a chance to coach rugby, I recommend it. Let me explain why rugby is great & fun, why it is easy to learn, and easier to play: Olympic Rugby is a variety of rugby known as “Sevens.” This is because there are seven people on each team, there are 7 minutes per half, and each score leads to a possible seven points (see, easy!). Every person is allowed to touch or hold or kick the ball, at any time. Everyone on the other team is allowed to tackle that person, or steal the ball, or run around doing nothing. (See, fun for the whole team!) The person with the ball can either run with it, or pass it backwards to a teammate. If he passes it forward, it’s a turnover. That’s bad! What an idiot! Eventually, one of the guys tackles the other one, which is fun, because tackling people is fun. The guy who got tackled (what an idiot!) has to put the ball on the ground, and then everyone else tries to pick it up. If the ball goes out of bounds, everyone has to lift each other up by their shorts on the throw-in. No-one knows why, it’s just the rules. It’s fun to watch tho! If someone breaks the rules (idiot), the ref either awards the ball to the other team, who is happy they now have the ball, or will call a scrum, which makes everyone unhappy, because scrums are hard & hurt your shoulders. Eventually, someone will run into the “try zone” (endzone) and score a “try” (touchdown) by touching the ball down on the ground in the “try zone” (endzone). That’s 5 points! Wow! Then, the person who scored the “try” has to kick a “conversion” (point after), from the lateral spot on the field where he scored. So, if he plants the ball right between the uprights when he scores, he can walk back 10 yard & chip in easy points. If he scores on the corner, he has to kick from the corner. Oh, also the conversions have to be drop kicks, and rugby balls are shaped like big dumb eggs and are super frustrating to dropkick. And only about 2-3 people on each team are actually good at it. So you get to watch grown ass men, professional athletes, Olympians, the best of the best, totally shank kicks 3-4 times per game, which is hilarious. The rest of the rules are superfluous. Remember, it’s much easier to just be excited & enjoy what’s happening than to actually understand all the rules. (This was my philosophy both playing and coaching, and it worked out really well for me)

In short: rugby is football without the downs or the blocking or the forward pass. So really, it’s like soccer, but you use your hands and you tackle people. Which makes it football, but you can kick the ball whenever you want. So really, it’s soccer,  It is very fun!

Team USA plays their first rugby game at noon on Tuesday, then again at 5 on Tuesday, then noon on Wednesday.

 5. If u are wondering where the Finals recap u were promised is, ask Doobz. She’s in charge.

 6. Draymond Green added a dick pic to his snapstory, which is hilarious. I will not be writing about that further, because I do not want to write anything about anyone’s penis.

�:

[miketellszagz-blog]

Very Belated Free Agency Update

Zagz. It’s been a minute. I haven’t written you in almost a month. In my absence, the NBA has gone to shit.

1. The Cleveland Cavaliers are NBA Champions FEELS: Sarah Dubay is penning a lovely prose piece on what this championship has meant to her & to the city Cleveland. I am having her write it because I think her response to the Finals is to be happy and to find joy in basketball, and you should always look to find happiness and joy wherever you can.

 2. Kevin Durant is a Golden State Warrior FEELS: This is an unequivocally bad thing that has happened in this world. I am not happy that Kevin is on the Warriors. However, the worst thing about Golden State Kev isn’t that the Warriors are now an invincible juggernaut, it’s that Kev going to the Warriors unleashed the worst sort of hot takes I’ve ever read in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I love #HotTakes. I have a lot of terrible, terrible, terrible hot takes on this blog. Hot takes are dumb and fun and are what separates sports journalism from real journalism (ed. Note: a wide, vast gulf separates this blog from “literate English writing,” let alone “sports journalism.”)

But I super hate it when people try to somehow project some sort of unwritten, ineffable moral code into sports. It’s real common in baseball, and it’s why baseball is dying. “hurr durr the 1929 Yankees wouldn’t pinch hit so uh the designated hitter is sinful.” It’s terrible. Sports aren’t supposed to me some moral reflection of self, they’re supposed to be fun to watch. Kev’s Warriors will be super fun to watch. Sportswriters are not priests. Sportswriters are not ethically superior to athletes, although they love to pretend they are. Kevin Durant going to Oakland is not a sign of moral failing. It is not a sign of weakness. It may be a sign that he was sick of OKC, that he hates Russy, that he wants to play for the best team of all time, that he has a secret crush on Klay Thompson, that he likes yellow more than orange, that Oakland is nicer than Oklahoma. Could be any of those things. Could be none. We don’t really know. We shouldn’t really care. Also, shout-out to Cleveland here. When Lebron left, people were sad, and angry, and upset. They burned his jersey. But nobody showed up on his doorstep, nobody called his home with death threats, everybody kind of contained it to the internet and to sports and away from Lebron’s home and kids and family. Good job Cleveland. Shame on you Oklahoma.

 3. Tim Duncan retired. FEELS: I had Nick write you how to feel about this. You should feel very sad about this.

 4. Mike Conley is the highest paid player in NBA history. FEELS: This one’s cool actually this one is very dope. Mike Conley has never ever been the best player on his own team. He played with Greg Oden in high school, with Greg Oden in college, and then with Marc Gasol in the NBA. Every team he has played on in the past decade has had a better player than him on it. And he just got pain one hundred fifty three million smackeroos.  That’s so many smackeroos.

 5. Other players also got paid and switched teams and whatnot.

FEELS: The big moves were Kev to GS, Dwight Howard to Atlanta, Dwayne Wade to Chicago, Derrick Rose & Joakim Noah to the Knicks, Al Horford to Boston, Chandler Parsons to Memphis,  Delly to Milwaukee, Rajon Rondo to the Bulls, Harrison Barnes & Andrew Bogut to the Mavs. Ibaka got traded to the Magic for Victor Oladipo. JR Smith (and technically Lebron James) remain unsigned. FEELS: NBA free agency is a beautiful thing because it allows to call our dads and ask them why they didn’t give us HGH injections in high school so we could be seven feet tall and make 60 million dollars to ride the Lakers’ bench. It also lets our dads tell us that it wouldn’t have mattered, because our jump shots are busted anyway. Dads are cold like that.

  6. On a more personal note, I started medical school, and, while I plan to keep updating this blog fairly regularly, I also planned to start med school a whole year ago, so I wouldn’t trust my plans very much.

FEELS: pretty good! Come to visit soon. I miss u.

7. The Bulls won the Summer League!

FEELS: what is a summer league. ��

[miketellszagz-blog]

RIP Tim Duncan (Nick)

Hi Zagz, We feel sad about the NBA today. Sadder than me when I saw Old Yeller. Sadder than Mike when he cries himself to sleep every night because Frank Ocean ripped every sense of trust and affection out of his body. Tim Duncan Retired. Tim Duncan is a 40 year old five-time NBA champion with three final’s MVP’s and dozens of other accolades that are very impressive but aren’t why we love Tim Duncan so very much. Tim was a mild mannered player to say the least. He was the old-timer cop and every season was his last assignment before retirement. Tim Duncan sort of stumbled into basketball. He didn’t start playing until he was 14 and just happened to be a phenom. He was the quiet kid that everyone made fun of and then all of the sudden he was posterizing jerks. He likes to go to renaissance fair and play Dungeon’s and Dragons. Nothing I can say can make more beautiful than it already is. Tim liked to wash the Spur’s jersey before games because it “relaxes him” and one time the service they used made them too stiff and they happened to lose the next game and it gives Tim peace of mind to know the jerseys are ok. He wasn’t legally allowed to drive’s the team’s bus but he enjoyed sitting next to the driver with and map of whichever city they were in and asking questions about route choices “just in case he ever vacationed there.” Every time a rookie comes to the Spurs Tim talks to them about fiscal responsibility and reminds them that they have to register to vote as a new citizen of San Antonio. Tim Duncan was my secret NBA dad, he was everyone’s secret NBA dad. If any child walked up to Tim Duncan and politely asked him if he would be his father, he would probably say yes. We will miss Mr. Duncan so very much. In his retirement he plans to spend more time with his family, helping his children level up there D&D characters and he says he might try woodworking because he thinks it might be a “neat hobby for an old guy like me.”

[miketellszagz-blog]

Ethical Basketball

Game 3 was played yesterday. The Warriors lost.

But that's ok! Most of the Warriors fans I know are bandwagon fans who didn't know the Warriors even existed 3 years ago, and, as bandwagon fans, will not spend a lot of time or effort bemoaning the loss. If they are good, diligent readers of the blog, they will start rooting for the Timberwolves. If they are bad readers of the blog, they will pretend they were Spurs fans all along. And if they are truly bad people deep down in their cores, they'll pull their Kobe jerseys back outta the closet and keep on being Lakers fans like they used to be.

a. The MTZ Reader's Guide to Being a Morally Superior Basketball Fan™ As you always suspected, there are morally correct and morally incorrect ways to enjoy the sport of basketball. Most of the morally incorrect ways involve being petty and small-minded, but some of the very correct ways involve being petty and small-minded too. It can be confusing. So, let us walk through game 3 together, and talk about the morally proper and morally improper ways to feel about the things that happened. This is a vision quest, Zagz. I am your spirit guide. We will walk together along the beach of game 3, guided by visions. And Zagz - when you look back on this journey, and you see only one set of footprints - that is when I carried you.

1. Before the game, the Cavs announce that Kevin Love will not be playing, because he has a concussion. I am sure Warriors fans were happy to here one of the top-20 players in the NBA would not be playing for the Cavs last night. This makes sense, because everyone from Oakland is selfish and terrible, and they all assumed Kevin being out would lead to them being happy. I am equally sure that many Cavs fans despaired in their loss, because Cavs fans are never more than a half-second away from despair. Both of those reactions are bad. The proper, moral response to hearing Kevin Love has a concussion is to drop whatever you're doing, head to the nearest research university or concussion clinic, and ask how you can help chip in. I would do anything for Kevin Love. We should all be be willing to do anything for Kevin Love.

2. The Cavs started off the game with a 9-0 lead. The immoral response to to not get super hype about this. (Getting super wild about inconsequential basketball things is always right). The proper response to be super excited about this! You're either about the watch the Cavs pull off a remarkable upset, or you get to watch the Warriors win in thrilling come-from-behind fashion. This is your mantra on this vision quest, Zagz. Breathe in. Upsets are wild. Breathe out. Upsets are wild. Breathe in. Upsets are wild. Upsets are wild.

3. The camera pans to Ty Lue, who has a dumb look on his face The wrong thing to do is to is get mad that Ty fucking Lue gets to be an NBA coach & write a 500-word essay about David Blatt getting drunk in a Turkish motel room. We're all fallible here. The proper thing to do is to get drunk in your Turkish motel room, throw a pillow at the TV, and yell, "why u look like that, Ty? You swallow a bug?"

4. The broadcast cuts to Doris Burke on the sideline The proper thing to do is to trust Doris Burke with your whole heart & to know that whatever Doris Burke says is the right thing to believe. I have attempted to hire Doris Burke to write & do podcasts for MTZ but she has politely declined. (ed note: this consisted entirely of mike sending a single e-mail to dorisburke@gmail.com, asking her to do a podcast with him, saying he can't pay her for it but will "let her talk about whatever she thinks is most important to talk about." He is not sure if that is actually Doris Burke's email or not. He is an idiot.) An improper thing to do is to say or believe or think anything negative about Doris Burke. Doris, I have noticed, when I stray to a mean portion of the internet, attracts a lot of hate simply because she is a woman near a basketball court. This is wrong, apparently, because women and basketball don't mix, apparently. If you ever find yourself thinking a sexist or petty thing about Doris Burke, the moral thing to do is stop thinking that thing, stop whatever you are doing, and hand-write apology notes to both me & to Doris Burke.

5. The Warriors go down down by 20 in the first half It's crazy that this means nothing anymore. The Warriors & Cavs score so much & so easily that 20 point deficits don't mean what they should. We have no basis for how many points is enough anymore. The moral thing to do is to be excited.

6. The Warriors cut the lead from 22 to 9 in about 30 seconds. there is no morality that can be applied to a Warriors scoring run. They transcend time and space, all laws and reason, and just are. How can one judge a scoring run led by Marresse Speights. Who are we to see these signs and wonders and interpret them like some common event. No. Like Job before us, we must come to realize that the course of events are beyond our comprehension. As Job accepted his suffering as beyond his own reason or control, so we must accept whatever the fuck it is the Warriors think they're doing as outside us, an unknowable, ineffable marvel. This ineffable marvel came up about 3 shots short.

7. At halftime (Cavs up 8), you must be good to those around you, and good to yourself. The bitter, sad man will mock his friends, if they root for a losing team, or grumble in defeat, if he roots for the Warriors right now. You, Zagz, must walk the middle path. You should offer to get me a beer from the fridge. Order a pizza to split with me. Tell me I'm pretty. Whatever you think is best. You should super tune out any halftime crew. The path to hell is paved with ‪#‎HotTakes‬

8. Klay Thompson limps to the locker room after getting kneed in the quad An immoral thing to do is to feel anything but fear and concern and maybe even a very real panic that Klay Thompson is hurt. The moral thing to do is to already be waiting in the locker room with warm towels, massage oil, and Miguel playing in the background.

9. Lebron made 2 three point shots in a row The moral thing to do is make fun of Lebron in the smallest and most petty way possible to belittle his success.

10. Steph missed 2 three point shots in a row The moral thing to do is make fun of Steph in the smallest and most petty way possible to belittle his failure

11. The Cavaliers win by 30 points It is morally ok to feel loss when a team you like loses. It is ok to feel hurt, or betrayed, or even outraged at the unfairness of loss, at the injustice that the Eastern Conference even gets a Finals spot, that Klay Thompson hurt his leg. Also, the most moral thing you can do is feel happy when your team wins. That is where most of the joy of basketball comes from! And basketball, ultimately, is about joy. Basketball in general and the NBA especially is just brimming with joy. Imagine watching Carmelo shoot a half-court shot & feeling anything but happy about it. Imagine a Russy Westbrook dunk, imagine the terror that comes from it, the anger & rage that makes you get up and lock your door, even tho u know in your heart that Russy is in Oklahoma, he's a thousand miles away from you, he's live on television, but you lock your door anyway, just in case there's a Russy Westbrook waiting out there for you in the dark. Remember Steph Curry's half-court game-winner over Russy Westbrook. Think about JR Smith. Feel joy.

I will be at alumni weekend for game 4, so it is unlikely I write to you between games 4 & 5. There will be a game 5 tho. Maybe even a game six. And if we're really really lucky, a Game Seven.

[miketellszagz-blog]

[miketellszagz-blog]

An Early Morning for David Blatt

You complained last week that I didn't actually tell you who won Game 1 in the Game 1 recap. Sorry about that. Game 2 has happened and the Cavs lost.

That is ok! I know Cavs fans aren't happy about it, but most of the Cavs fans I know live in Cleveland, and all hospitals in Cleveland give newborn babies a copy of Soren Kierkegaard's "The Concept of Anxiety" for their parents to read to them as they grow. This is why Cleveland fans are so sad, but also so resigned in their sadness: the subconscious ingraining of 19th-century brutal-absurdist Danish Protestant philosophy. So remember your childhood reading, Cavs fans: life is suffering (due to Original Sin), and ultimately purposeless (according to Soren's existentialist interpretation), but joy can still be found (thru rejection of futility) by intentional action (because free will & human activity can be seen as purposes unto themselves). [ed. note: Kierkegaard is trash]

So, Paul, let us reject these Cleveland notions that life if purposeless and bereft of joy. Instead, let us (a) marvel in the beauty and the light of Steph Curry, and (b) imagine Dave Blatt watching game 2 of the NBA finals.

[2:45 AM, Istanbul, Turkey]

Dave wakes, bleary-eyed and confused. What the shit. It's two in the goddamn morning. Why am I awake. Dave checks his buzzing phone. One event today: Finals Game 2 in 15 minutes. Wake the fuck up Dave. Revenge is a dish best served at 3 AM, Istanbul time.

Davey smiles and stretches and hops into the shower. Practice tomorrow morning is cancelled. He told all his Turkish players to watch the Finals, to take notes on good and bad things they saw, and they'd watch the film Tuesday and go over things. Davey isn't gonna watch with them though. He doesn't know most of them yet, and he's learned from his mistakes in Cleveland. Keep your walls up, Dave.

Dave's eating a yogurt as he listens to Sage Steele do the intro. He's got a few beers in the fridge, but he needs to eat something first. Plus, he gets sleepy after a few drinks, and he doesn't wanna miss one minute of this. He throws a Klay Thompson jersey on over his t-shirt. One of the gold ones with the trolley on the back. Dave loves watching Klay play. Everyone on earth loves watching Klay play.

The players circle up, and Dave literally giggles with excited, anxious, childish joy. HE IS SO EXCITED. [ed note; please take a few seconds and imagine Dave Blatt alone in his hotel room, giggling to himself]

The Cavs come to a hot start, the Warriors keep missing shots. Dave opens his first beer. Turkish beer is weird. It's flatter than the Russian stuff he's used to, and almost as light as the American ales he had in Cleveland. Dave is not a beer guy, but he's pretty sure starting off with liquor this early isn't a good move. He texts his point guard, tells him to watch Klay like a hawk on defense. His guys can't shoot like Klay - they wouldn't be playing for a bottom-half Euroleague team if they could - but they've got the length to play good defense.

Bogut blocks a 2nd shot. Dave's half done with his beer already. His stomach growls & goes to the kitchen. He'll make a full breakfast at halftime, he decides, grabbing a different yogurt (banana-strawberry). Curry drains his first three, shit, Dave missed it, shit, he runs back to the couch. He forgot a spoon, runs back to get it, runs back. He sits down as JR drains a shot. He didn't tell his players to watch JR. Fuck JR, Dave thinks.

Bogut catches an oop over Tristan Thompson, caught between defending the jam and guarding the post. Dave wonders how many goddamn hours he spent telling Thompson not to let big dudes sneak into that opposite corner in practice as he grabs his first beer.

The first quarter ends with Andre missing a wide-open three, a dare shot, everyone else on the Warriors locked up. The camera cuts to Ty Lue clapping. You better clap, you goddamn snake, stealing my defense. Dave throws a pillow at the TV, at Ty's dumb clapping face. He wishes he had an Iverson jersey on instead of Klay's. Why does he always look like he just swallowed a bug. "Is there a bug in your mouth, Ty?" Dave yells at the TV. He's very glad he's watching this alone.

[3;35 AM, Istanbul, Turkey]

We are halfway through our second quarter, third yogurt (key lime pie - Dave is indulging), first banana, and opening a third beer. Davey kicks himself for buying some local shit in a green bottle, because the more he drinks, the skunkier it tastes. He'll switch to vodka after this. He called room service for a liter or 2 of orange juice, and smiles. He's remembering the first team he ever coached - a group of grade school kids from a Jewish school just down the road from his dorm at Princeton. Those kids never comped his 3AM screwdrivers. The Warriors were pulling ahead and Dave was smirking. He would've called about 3 timeouts by now. He certainly would've had Channing Frye on the floor. Ty wasn't tho, and Ty was the coach, and Ty decided he wanted to get in a shootout this quarter. Dave sipped as Andre made (another) layup. Ty was an idiot. Bug-swallowing idiot.

Dave made some sausage for breakfast as the ESPN crew talked about historic greatness. He poured a screwdriver. He sat back down and took the Klay jersey off. He always felt weird wearing jerseys over shirts, and it was getting warm in his room anyway. He didn't think he was going to jinx the Dubs. He didn't think anything was. He nodded along as Paul Pierce criticized the Cav's roster construction. He didn't want to trade for Love. When he signed to the Cavs, he was under the impression he'd spend 2-3 years developing Wiggins and teaching Kyrie to play defense, then start winning playoff games. Instead he got Lebron James. Kevin Love, and Brian Windhorst.

JR Smith was Blatt's idea tho. That was the best trade of the decade. Dave ceded Waiters Island, and somehow got back the 6th man of the year and the best flattop in the league. And a pick. And every asshole in the world credited the move to "GM Lebron." Assholes. "GM Lebron" wanted Dave to trade for Chris Paul. How. How the fuck, Lebron. What in God's great green earth did the Cavs have that would net them Chris Paul. Kyrie + Love + ____ ? Plus Dion? Hell no. Plus picks? the 29th overall pick isn't moving the dial. Maybe you for Chris, straight up. Dave would have loved do that. Chris Paul + Kyrie + Shump + Love +TT. Not as good as these Cavs, maybe, but he wouldn't have to deal with Lebron anymore.

Dave smelled sausages. He turned his lil hotel stove off. The bagels were a little too burnt. But sausages and cheese and bagels still taste good, slightly burnt. He answered a few texts from his players - watch Steph. Watch how Tristan Thompson positions himself before the shot. Watch how Draymond runs around without the ball. Watch Steph. Watch Lebron's forearm - how does he not get called for that shit. Watch Steph. Watch how Kerr adjusts his lineups and Ty doesn't. Watch Steph. Watch Steph. Watch Steph.

The third quarter started with eggs and waffles and an 8-point Golden state lead. Dave was indulging with a little room service. Dave was celebrating a little. He wasn't gonna order champagne, he didn't really like champagne, and he didn't feel like explaining why he was ordering champagne at 4AM to anybody.

Dave couldn't help but laugh. How could anyone help but laugh as Leandro Barbosa scored significant points in a Finals game. Shaun Livingston might become Finals MVP. Dave looked up Shaun on wikipedia. Holy shit. 10 years ago. Dave would've guessed 6 years that Shaun tore his ACL. Damn. Time flies. Dave looked up from a quick wiki binge & the Warriors were up 20. How. Why. Davey's not that slow of a reader. He couldn't have looked away for more than a minute - 2 minutes max. Jesus. This wasn't a fair fight. Dave chuckled again. He was pretty relived he didn't have to get his ass kicked again on national television. He had told himself all year he would do better, he'd win, with Kyrie and Kevin. He wouldn't be doing as bad as Lue, he knew that. But he'd still be losing.

He poured a screwdriver with the last of the OJ. Was this his third or his fourth. Third. Third and the beers. Three beers. He'd have another beer if the screwdriver wouldn't last. The fourth quarter opened with 12 straight Warriors points, extending the lead to 30 points. Lebron got called for travelling. Dave was mad about Kevin. He would be livid if people blamed this loss on him being out. Concussions were rough. He'd text Kevin tomorrow, ask him how he was. Until then, though, he was loving this. He took his shirt off & tanked up the AC. Fucking Istanbul. It's always warm and wet here. Like an ocean town, but instead of good clean ocean saline smell everywhere, sticky-salty Black Sea brine coating the air. Gross. Davey Blatt. Shirtless. 6 drinks in, 5AM in Istanbul. The Warriors are winning, have won. Can I gamble in Istanbul. Dave won't get great odds but its basically free money. Quick google search shows it's illegal. Damn. Good things the Cavs still owe him 2 million dollars.

Dave crawls back into bed, checks the box score on his phone. Yikes, Cavs. JR. What the hell. Why'd they only play Channing 3 minutes. Is that (another) zero in the assists row for Kyrie.

Holy shit Draymond. Holy fucking shit.

Dave falls back asleep, pretty drunk, very glad he's not in that locker room after that loss.

(See u after Game 3 in Cleveland).

[miketellszagz-blog]

Game 1 Recap (Warriors Win)

Paul! Paul! I have told you this before, but I must tell you again. Everything Shaun Livingston Does is a Miracle™ http://miketellszagz.tumblr.com/post/121325397681/jun-12-everything-shaun-livingston-does-is-a Shaun Livingston had 20 points in an NBA finals game that he won last night. Shaun Livingston led his team in points, in game 1 of the NBA finals, in  this the year of our lord two thousand sixteen. If you are not rooting super hard for Shaun Livingston to be Finals MVP then you're dead to me. Game 1 notes: The Cavs did the best job shutting doen Steph & Klay I've ever seen. They combined for 20 points ("a Livingston"), had a buncha turnovers and a buncha missed shots. They played super bad, and a lot of credit has to go to Iman Shumpert & a middle amount of credit has to go to JR Smith. However, the Cavs did the worst job shutting down the other 8 players on the Warriors I've ever seen. Harrison Barnes, Dray Green (hisss), Andy Bogut, Leandro Barbosa, and our boy Shaun Livingston all had at least 10 points, which is bad for the Cavs. Matthew DeerhunterMcdouble hit Andre Iguodola in the dick last night, which is rude. MTZHWITNBA&HWFAI does not have offices, but if we did, (a) me & doobz & boone would get lunch together every Wednesday as an office bonding thing, and (b) we would have a Dellumdreva dartboard in the breakroom. It appears everything I wrote about the JRnaissance was a lie. The JRnaissance is coming to an abrubt as the Warriors have begun colonizing Central America and ushering in the Age of Exploration (or brutal reformation-spurred conflicts in the holy roman empire have spread to Catholic France & the Protestant Netherlands, depending on when u think the Renaissance ended). He did a pretty good job on defense but he never even touched the ball on offense! Thee shots in 36 minutes outta JR Smith is really hard to do. Kyrie needs to start making shots or give the dang ball to JR Smith. I didn't write about Lebron yet which is pretty incredible because he was 1 assist away from a triple double. I watch him play this incredible basketball & be the only reason the Cavs are even competitive & I think "oh, yeah, typical game for Lebron. Pretty good. Good ol' Bron." The man is a machine and is clearly the most valuable player on the court (except maybe Shaun Livingston). In Game 2, watch for: Kyrie on defense is still funny. Klay Thompson is gonna have 40 points one of these Finals game & Game 2 seems like a good night. Will JR ever get the ball again? The Lebron triple-double watch is always in effect. The Cavs tried to trap Steph a lot, but Steph managed to pass out of most of them, which is how Leandro Barbosa, age 35, ended up with 11 points. I'm curious to see if the Cavs keep that plan up or not. If you can figure out what the other Cavs are doing when Kevin Love has the ball, let me know. When Lebron drives, everyone spreads out around the 3-point line to both clear space & for the chance at a nice open 3. When Kev has the ball inside, everyone just kinda...fucks around?James Jones & Dahntay Jones both recorded 2 trillion for the game. A trillion is when you have nothing in your statbook but minutes played. No shots, no points, no fouls, no nothing. Anderson Varajao was flirting with a couple trillion until he got a shot & a foul & a rebound in garbage time. Always be on the lookout for trillions, because they are hilarious.

[miketellszagz-blog]

2016 Conference Finals Preview

It's the most wonderful time of the year, Paul! It's the NBA Finals! Like Leap Day & Christmas & Thanksgiving all rolled into one 2-week-&-7-game-long festival of basketball & happiness! (that's a personal record 4 ampersands in a sentence, by the way).  It's like leap day that nothing matters! These are all bonus games, We didn't earn these. We have done nothing to earn the privilege of watching these 2 historically great (1 historically great team vs. Lebron James, who is historically great on a personal level) teams play, but here we are, watching them anyway. You should spend the Finals doing things you normally wouldn't (take more threes!, ask for a raise!, switch off screens to stifle ball movement!). The Finals is like Christmas in that we are receiving three gifts (basketball, joy, Klay Thompson), indirectly given to us by three elderly, wise men (Adam Silver, Lebron James, Klay Thompson), much like Jesus before us. The Finals are like Thanksgiving in that we have so much to be thankful for. Mainly that the Lakers are terrible and not playing. 1. Your reigning champion Golden State Warriors: pretty good FEELS: The Warriors, coming back from both a 3-1 series deficit and a 15-point game 7 deficit, have beaten the Thunder in 7 games. I had previously declared the Kevin Durant sweepstakes closed, as I thought the Thunder beating the 3red-best team of all time was more than enough of a strong interview by the Thunder. However, they choked so so so so so so sos so sososos ossoso sos os o hard against the Warriors. The Warriors trailed by at least 10 points in games 6 & 7. Steph Curry shot poorly (Klay didn't tho). Russy Westbrook played like he wanted to prove he deserved to be MVP more than Kev or Steph did. And they still lost. I still think it's most likely he returns, but I also think he's gonna have a few nights spent staring at his ceiling over the next couple weeks. I'm assuming the Warriors have a very good shaman on their team in some capacity. I suspect it's Shaun Livingston. 2. Your Cleveland Cavaliers: I kinda already did their Conference Finals recap last week but I cannot stress enough how good Lebron James is at wining basketball games. He is super good at it. 3. THE MTZWHITNBA&HWFAI 2ND ANNUAL NBA FINALS PREVIEW I think one of the greatest advantages Spanish has over English is that, in Spanish, you put those lil upside-down exclamation points at the beginning of sentences, to show the reader, right from the start, how hype you are about the sentence you're writing (2nd-greatest is that nouns come before adjectives because nouns are more important than adjectives). English doesn't have that and I'm far to lazy to look up the lil secret hotkey code to make the upside guy. Instead, imagine all of the sentences have: (a) 5 upside-down amigos preceding them, (b) 6-12 normal exclamation marks following them, depending on hypeness of sentence, (c) one lil on-his-head buddy & one on-his-dot-like-normal one encircling each and every word, & (d) the names "Steph Curry" & "Lebron James" rendered completely unreadable due to the amount of exclamation points of both orientations scattered throughout them. The Warriors are the best basketball team of all time & anyone saying otherwise at this point is an idiot or a shoe salesman with a lot of Jordans & no Currys in stock (note: Currys look better than Jordans anyway).ROSTER: Steph Curry (2xMVP):  I have written around 20,000 words on how good Steph Curry is this season. I don't super feel like writing more. Klay Thompson: Klay Thompson is the winner of the 2016 Scottie Pippen Memorial Most Likely to Win an MVP if not Being Overshadowed by His Own Teammate Award. (Russy Westbrook won the past 2 years. Dwayne Wade won in 2013. 2012-2011 were Chris Bosh). He made more threes than anyone in NBA history other than Steph has while being the 3rd option on his own team (option 1 for the warriors is Steph, option 2 is graciously allowing the other team to forfeit. I wish tumblr/facebook had footnotes, because I feel like this aside would be very funny as a footnote but is only moderately funny in parens. Grantland had footnotes, why can't I?). Klay remaining good Draymond Green: is the most hated man in the NBA. He is one flagrant foul away from being suspended for a Finals game. He deserved a flagrant last game for his arm-bar on Steve Adams and should be sitting out game 1. But he is not. Draymond Green is one of life's small injustices. He is the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune we must suffer. (which I suppose makes the Cavs Hamlet. Steven Adams is Ophelia? Steph & Klay are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, obviously) Andre Iguodola (Finals MVP): Andre will probably start over Harrison Barnes because he's big enough to "guard" Lebron James. I'm putting guard in quotes because what he'll be doing isn't so much playing good hard defense as it is being a strong body that will give Lebron one (1) medium-sized bruise every time he tires to drive. The only people I've seen do a very good job guarding Lebron are 2014 Kawhi, 2008-9 Kevin Garnett, and 2012 Serge Ibaka. If this year is anything like last year, Andre is not supposed to do a good job. He is supposed to do an ok job, and everyone else do a very good job, and hope that basketball reamains a 5-on-1 game for the remainder of the series. Harrison Barnes: will probably sit behind Andre even tho he is younger & more sprightly. Harrison Barnes will probably be best known by history as being the first brick removed from the ziggurat of the Warriors, leading to their crumbling. He will be offered a ton of cash by a bunch of teams that lose out on the Kevin Durant Sweepstakes, both because he is a pretty good player, and because removing him for the Warriors makes them that much worse. Andrew Bogut: large Australian, former #1 overall pick. This Warriors team has so many top 10 picks. Andrew at 1, Shaun Livingston at 4(!) Steph & Harrison at 7, Andre at 9, Klay just missing the cut at 11. Festus Ezeli: Will be brick no. 2 off the ziggurat when the Lakers give him 15 million dollars a year this sumer before realizing he's a worse player than Bismack Biyombo. Festus is a backup center. He's pretty good for a backup center, but there are at least 20 other centers in the league (see, this is why I need footnotes. Listing 20 players will destroy the flow of this paragraph, but a footnote? hoo boy, I could go buckwild in a footnote. I could write 50 words just about Nerlens Noel in a footnote) better than Festus Ezeli. Shaun Livingston: America's favorite cyborg returns to the Finals. As we discussed in great detail last year, everything Shaun Livingston does is a miracle. This remains true today. Mareese Speights & Leandro Barbossa: On any other team, these guys would be the "veteran leaders" who are on the team as warm bodies to give the starters a rest & to yell at rookies when they fuck up. On the Warriors, they're just pretty good players to happen to be old. Andseron Varajao: frver Cav, 3rd-string center, great hair. Either a mole in the Warriors organization who will destroy them from within or double agent who knows all the Cavs' secret stuff James Michael McAdoo, Kevin Loony, Branden Rush, Ian Clark: the rookies who do not play. Now, I'm not Steve Kerr or Luke Walton, so I do not know the Warriors series plan. My guess is they'll try their best to just play the game they're best at: ultra-high-tempo basketball, score most of their points in transition, and absolutely feast on Kyrie Irving. Kyrie is bad at defense. He will have to guard either Steph or Klay (he could reasonably be hidden on Harrison Barnes if the Warriors go v small, which is another reason Andre is gonna get more minutes than Harrison this series). When you're watching at home, watch Kyrie on defense. The guy he's guarding is gonna shoot a lot. The Warriors are also gonna try to get Draymond to go up against Kevin Love instead of Lebron/TT on offense, because Kevin Love is worse than they are. 2. The Cavs are pretty good! They are not as good as the Warriors. But, if they play well, the Warriors fuck up, or Ty Lue outcoaches Steve Kerr, they can win four games outta seven. Lebron James is super good at basketball and apparently bought a timeshare in the NBA Finals back in 2010. Kyrie Irving is healthy this year and still has the prettiest-looking crossover in the NBA. His shots don't go in as often as Steph's, but they look way better. Kevin Love has gone from "gonna get traded because he looked funny at Kyrie once" earlier this season to "cornerstone of a championship contender" in the past month or so. I don't know how this happened, because he is playing the exact same way and putting up the exact same stats. Sportswriters are very dumb. JR Smith is in the middle of a phase in his life that I like to call the JRnaissance. He spent the first few years of his career trying to be the 6th man - the guy that comes off the bench & leads the bench mob in scoring but isn't NBA-starter caliber (essentially trying to be the poor man's Jamal Crawford). Then, this year, he started most games, played as the 3rd/4th option on offense, and balled out. And sure, it's easy to say "wow he looks way better playing with the Cavs than he did as the only player on the Knicks," that's not super the case. He's playing more SG, rarely facilitating, and has basically become the guy in the corner getting outlets from Kevin & Lebron. He's really good at that. Tristan Thompson has been playing pretty well but not 82 million dollars well. I still can't fucking believe they gave him that contract. Channing Frye! is the 3-point draining 7-foot tall addition to the Cavs. Channing Frye has been very unfair these past few games. He's shooting .500 from 3 & .800 overall, which is about double what I shoot on unguarded layups. During the Hawks series, he was asked how he planned to counter a new defense wrinkle the Hawks were going to implement. He answered "I'm seven feet tall, they ain't blocking this shit," which is the most baller answer possible. Iman Shumpert is still rocking the flattop & still my favorite player on the Cavs becasue of it Matthew Delenadelledonne is a war criminal Dahntay Jones is a registered sex offender now Timofey Mozgov is no longer good at basketball. idk what happened but he looks super bad every time he comes in. He can't jump, he can't block, he can't shoot. Richard Jefferson is that "veteran leadership" I talked about earlier James Jones, Mo Williams, Sasha Kaun & Jordan McRae don't play The Cavs' plan to win is NOT the same as last years & I get super mad when people keep saying it is. Kevin Love & Kyrie Irving are legitimate all-stars & they didn't become all-stars by fucking around & letting Lebron do everything. The Cavs' plan should be to: 1. have an uptempo offense, playing both Kyrie & JR together as much as possible. Having 2 legitimate scoring guards will force Steph & Klay to spend a ton of effort on defense & prevent them from cheating off & starting the transition early they way they've done all season. They should crash boards after all shots - Tristan Thompson & Kevin Love both love snagging putbacks, or turning o-boards into corner threes. The Cavs want to shoot threes just as much as the Warriors do now, but they'll try to slow the game & prevent transition scores (or, god forbid, a shootout. Don't try to out-shoot the Warrior) as much as they can. See u after game 1 or 2 or pretty soon. Enjoy the Finals.