milktanker-blog

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blaming your parents for your unattractive genetics

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You wake up from an one night stand with Sharon that you met from tinder. She’s classy and amazing, and said that she was going to make you breakfast. You get dressed and walk out to the dining table, and Jonah hill is sitting there with a cup of orange juice.

What do you do

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man her boyfriend is WHIPPED!!!!!! like she expects him to treat her with total respect & everything !!!! crazy

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Person: *comes to me for advice*

me: whoa whoa whoa... first I need you to sign this safety waiver stating that I am not personally responsible for any sort of damage that may be caused should you take my advice.

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Stand in line on Black Friday to return something 

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WHY CAN’T SHEEP BE THE PLURAL OF SHOOP INSTEAD LIKE GOOSE AND GEESE 

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I  l o v e  you and I  l i k e  you.

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get rich or die trying to graduate from college

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*prays to my mcgod* lord give me strength to not mcfreakin lose it

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Me to my wife on our 25th wedding anniversary: so.. We’ve been hanging out a lot the past few years and.. Idk like….. What are we?

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when you pretend to be asleep around bae but then you accidentally fall asleep 

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can you imagine what everybody with the name daniel has been going through the last few days

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aziz ansari is a national treasure