millersbabe

[millersbabe]

ˏˋ 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 ´ˎ˗

part five

♡ joel miller x f!reader angst + grumpy joel + some violence + swearing

The thought of work for some made their eyes roll to the back of their skulls. Some people in moments of despair wish for a world in which they don’t have to work. And blaming them would be unfair, but you didn’t mind it. You do your part, you go home. That was the deal you made with yourself.

But long gone were the days where you could decide between an office job or labor. Finances, data analytics, marketing, it was all obsolete. Now, your options were helping towards food, helping towards safety, or helping towards community.

You slept on the conversation you had with Tommy, considering yourself doing many things. Working on crops and creating food for the town? Helping with cattle? Manning the walls? Patrolling?

Patrolling seemed like the obvious answer. You’d dealt with years of infected, raiders, anything that stood between you and safety. You’d made up your mind, patrolling was your answer. Following routes, checking traps, protecting the community.

Your mind considered Bonnie for a brief moment, how would she cope if something fatal had happened on a patrol. You’d finally found safety within these walls and you were just as prepared to throw it away again. But as long as she was safe, you’d spend hours on the outside of Jackson protecting her.

Bonnie was successfully dropped to school, and today was your task of tidying the art store with Tina. The air was warmer today, you’d left your hat back home and your ears weren’t missing it. It was slowly heading into spring and you couldn’t be happier about it. You weren’t at greeting stages with any residents of Jackson yet, but you gave a brief smile as you passed them, to show Tommy hadn’t dragged in any delinquents.

“Just the woman I wanted to see,” Tommy’s voice beamed from behind you, both hands of his clasping your shoulders. You instinctively tensed, until your brain registered it as him. You smiled cheerily, despite feeling quite the opposite. “Thought any more ‘bout what you’re gonna do?”

“I think I’ll choose patrolling.”

Tommy grimaced. “You sure? You wanna get back out there so soon?”

“It’s gonna take a lot more than some vegetables to shut my mind up.” You joked, except you weren’t really joking, more so your tone. “It’s all I’m good at.”

Your eyes looked desperate, staring at Tommy as he thought over your decision.

“I’m sure that’s not true. But you got it. I’ll put your name down on the list, you’ll get a partner who’ll show ya the ropes.” Tommy instructed. “If ya change your mind, you tell me. I’ll find ya somethin’ else.”

His tone came with more of a warning. Like if you didn’t tell him, he’d ground you for a week. But you let him go with a smile, enjoying Tommy’s presence around you. He felt like a big brother. Someone you should’ve had through all this, who decided to join some kind of militia in the name of protecting you. That was the past. You let the memory of Jack lie with good thoughts, the small, foggy memories of him being a good brother.

“Good morning to you, dear,” Tina greeted as you stepped through her door. “Snows really clearing up, huh?”

“Morning, Tina.” You breathed. “Yeah, soon the sun’ll stay out.”

You and Tina made some tea from behind her counter, sipping on it and discussing the task at hand. Tina was unlike any woman you’d met before. So comfortable in whatever she had going on, whatever was going on around her. She made her peace with it and moved on. You envied her, no doubt she’d wrestled with her own anxiety throughout these years. But you’d never know that from first glance.

“So how did you come into running an art store?” You asked, placing the small porcelain mug onto its matching saucer. Every time looked up, there was something new to look at.

“Only one who showed an interest, I guess,” she laughed, “a lot of people turned to making art. They’d share it around, get overwhelmed when people would offer to buy it, and give up.” She explained, fingers obsessing over a stain on her countertop. “So I proposed the idea of selling it through a store. Now everyone donates their art, and collects a small commission through ration cards or things I’ve traded.”

“And it’s something people will always want.” She added.

You began dusting shelves, old paintings that sat in a pile untouched, rotating them so the back ones get some light. All whilst talking to Tina, who offered many words from her walks of life. You avoided bringing up anything you’d been struggling with recently, you weren’t sure this was something she could heal. Unless by total surprise, she’d led her group of people fearlessly, putting to sleep anything that threatened her.

“How goes it with the little one?”

You weren’t sure where to begin. “I think I’m in over my head, to be totally honest.”

“Most kids’ll make you feel like that. ‘S why I swore off ‘em.” She commented.

You giggled. “You don’t have children?”

“No, I did. Never said I was successful at swearing off ‘em.” She casually mentioned. “Only one boy. Gave his life to protect me, got me here.”

“I’m sorry.” You breathed, eyes burning as they watered up. Losing anyone on these terms was world-ending. Feelings are more powerful than before, because losing someone has become so real. So normal.

There was a silence between the two of you. It looked as if a memory had crept up on Tina, but she wasn’t mad about it. You decided to leave her with her thoughts, finishing up on sweeping the floors. The store was looking better by the hour, and talking to Tina made time fly. It also changed your perspective on life a lot. Tina was someone you wanted to keep around.

“I think you’re about done here, dear.” Tina declared, hands on her hips as she strolled around the fresh store. You grinned with satisfaction, feeling accomplished for such a mundane task. “Go enjoy the bit of sun there is.”

“If you need help again, Tina. Please come find me.” You offered. “I enjoyed helping out.”

Joel strutted through the stables after stabling his horse, another peaceful patrol down. He was currently doing buddy shifts with Jesse, who was one of the younger guys wanting to join patrol. He was also friends with Ellie, meaning Ellie was up his ass about joining in too.

The moment they were in the clear from any threats, Joel left him in the dust. Or more accurately, the dirt. Jesse talked a lot, asked a lot more, and gave Joel a migraine only coffee could cure. But he had a brain, which he couldn’t quite say the same for most other patrollers.

Joel unlatched the gate, letting it click shut before turning on his heels to walk home. Catching eyes with his baby brother.

“Why is it I only ever see ya when you’re wantin’ somethin’?” Joel glared, walking past Tommy and listening for the scuffling of his feet behind him.

“That’s not true.” Tommy interjected. “Last time I wanted somethin’, I asked Ellie.”

“Semantics.”

“Come on,” Tommy groaned, “I need ya.”

Joel stopped. Siblings across the universe agreed on one thing; they’d give their sibling any organ they needed, but they drew the line at doing them a favor. “What.”

“Got a newbie for patrol. She—”

“Nope.”

“Jesse can handle his own now, and you’re the best we got.” Tommy reasoned.

“I know.” Joel grumbled, weighing his very limited options. “I assume it’s the only new person we’ve had in months. Whatsername?”

“You know who I’m on about.” Tommy rolled his eyes. “She chose patrol. And she’s not a bumblin’ idiot.”

“Makes a change.”

“Quit ya one-liners.” He huffed. “She can handle ‘erself, broke the poor kid’s nose the first time we saw her. She’s got this.”

“Fine.” Joel crossed his arms over his chest.

Tommy grinned, patting his big brothers back. “I knew you’d be a good sport ‘bout it.”

Joel was about ready to storm away, acting like the bratty younger sibling. But Tommy had more left to say, it was clear by the hesitation in leaving.

“Spit it out. What’s the catch?”

“No catch, but if you see she ain’t handling it, tell me. That one’s a time bomb.” Tommy spoke quietly, giving small smiles to residents as they passed the two brothers.

Time bomb. Great. Joel thought. Someone who doesn’t much like talking about their problems, cramming it all into a little glass bottle and when it shatters, out comes years worth of trouble. There was a small reflection in that analogy, Joel could see himself through a scattered shard of bottled glass. Willing him to wake up and see his fate.

Another new person to train on patrols, another method of Tommy’s to get Joel socialised under the guise of him being the best. He’d seen it all before.

“And our teacher, Mandy, let us play outside all morning! Then we read a book about animals.” Bonnie was explaining her day on your walk back to the house, shuffling along the thin layer of snow with a smile from ear to ear.

You held her hand tightly, careful of her slipping on the still icy floor. You let her talk and talk about her day, her friends, what she’d learnt, and your heart contracted at how happy she was. She was settled, you just wish you could say the same.

“Can I play at my friends house tomorrow?” She questioned, bouncing from one foot to the other as you crossed onto Oak Street. Your house was in sight, you couldn’t wait to get back and watch the evening go by.

“Sure,” you replied, fiddling with the keys in your pocket, “I’ve got work tomorrow. I’ll be late picking you up, okay?”

“Okay. I can stay at my friend’s house.” She declared, stepping into the house and stomping her boots off. You followed, shoving her boots beside the door and closing it behind you.

“Okay, go play with your toys,” you sighed, “I’ll call you for dinner soon.”

She’d never decline playing with her toys, after going so long without them. So you knew she was occupied when you’d stepped out to your backyard and laid in the snow.

Spread like a snow Angel, you stared up at the cloudy sky above. Now you wanted it to snow, bury you amongst tiny icicles, to be found frozen over in the spring. Instead, you closed your eyes. Imagining you were elsewhere, floating through that nothingness you quite often saw at night. Your mind felt like a hardened rock, one you’d float by in space somewhere. You wanted it to stop, for one night. The anxiety, the guilt, the constant feeling of impending doom. Being stuck in the cycle of fight or flight.

You could hear what sounded like footsteps on your porch, blessing your good hearing from countless nights of listening for threats whilst Bonnie slept. You quickly sprung up from your patch on the snow, darting into the house and reaching for the door. Expecting it to be Tommy or Maria, you slapped a smile on.

“Oh— Joel?”

[millersbabe]

ˏˋ 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 ´ˎ˗

part four

♡ joel miller x f!reader angst + grumpy joel + some violence + swearing

Does it ever get easier? Waking up, having that few seconds of being blissfully unaware of your environment, until it all comes rushing back to you. With tired eyes, a heavy heart, the ball of nausea in your stomach. Knowing no matter how hard you tried, you’d never feel okay. It would always eat away at you, shaving away your appetite, your emotion, your sense of life. What was living anymore?

You’d beaten the sun in rising this morning, having made an average cup of coffee and sat on your porch. Your porch. It had been a few days since moving in, and you still couldn’t quite believe it. Bonnie was finding it a lot easier than you were, being the social butterfly she was. You’d visited Maria to discuss Bonnie joining into the school pretty soon, for social interaction and her developing brain. Her first day felt… emotional? More so for you than her, Bonnie had become your emotional support. Just her being with you made you feel at ease, having to devote your brain to taking care of her, because when you weren’t, you would spiral.

God, I need a job, you thought to yourself, taking another sip of the warm drink in your hand. It was the small period between night and day, the sun not risen but too light to be the middle of the night. You glanced through your window into your kitchen, catching the clock on the wall ticking away slowly. 5.29am. Bonnie would be up soon for school, the most eventful part of your day. You were still awaiting Maria’s guidance on getting a job, but she was a busy woman.

The street was quiet, you could see the frosted windows of your neighbors homes. The air felt fresh and dewy in your lungs, trading the oxygen for a sense of peace as it left your body. Your fingers were near to numb, but you were okay with that. Your moment of grounding was cut short when you’d seen a person come into view across the street. They walked with their head down, hands shoved into their pockets to protect them from the harsh morning air. The figure grew closer, and you’d recognised the familiar waved hair and demeanour as Joel, Tommy’s brother. And he’d lifted his head to spot you, curled up on the chair on your porch, like you’d not had a wink of sleep.

As you’d come to lift your hand to wave, Joel suddenly looked back at his shoes. Deciding the snow mixed with dirt was far more appealing to watch as he passed onto work. You pursed your lips, cheeks turning red but not from the cold, but from the sheer embarrassment you felt when Joel Miller was involved.

“Uh, have fun?” You posed it as more of a question to Bonnie, who stood very confused in front of you. You were surrounded by other parents and guardians, all smiling at each other as they talk about their children and the upcoming play dates. You couldn’t feel any more out of place than you did right now. Bonnie paid no mind to your weird behaviour, she skipped over to the group of classmates and fit right in, before waving at you with her toothy grin. You smiled at her, a genuine smile, before turning away and asking yourself out of this situation.

You’d made a list to busy yourself today, otherwise it was another day of sitting in the house and avoiding the boxes full of equipment for you and Bonnie. It was your main objective today, to tackle the boxes once and for all, hoping a tidy house would create a tidy mind. Wishful thinking. You’d written the list on your hand, empty boxes next to each number, to tick for self gratification.

Empty the boxes.

Walk around town

Find something to make the house a home

Find something for Bonnie

Number one was a menial task. You’d sorted piles into smaller piles, found a home for them all. Bathroom items into the bathroom, bedroom items into the bedrooms, and so on, until the boxes were sat empty on your porch. You’d noted to take them back to Tommy soon. But with the house now feeling more like a house, it had yet to feel homely. You weren’t sure what homely felt like. You only remembered small things about your childhood home, no doubt trauma had cleared most of your memories out to make room for itself. But you remembered your mother, she loved color. Even if they didn’t really match, she’d make it work. She’d throw flowers of all assortments into a vase, paired with different curtains, different pillows, different art on the walls. That was your takeaway from your childhood; color.

You left the house at lunch, taking a stab at the food on your lunch hall plate. Of course, your body was screaming for nutrients and any sort of sustenance. But your appetite was scarce, so was just about everything in your life. Regardless, you’d thanked the cooks and dragged yourself up the Main Street. Shops, grocers, butchers, all the works. There was so much to choose from, and you had a limited number of ration cards. But you wanted to find something for the house, something for you and Bonnie to feel more relaxed. Your attempts at settling in were desperate now.

You stumbled into an art shop, framed pieces of some community art. Some portraits, some script. And only one caught your eye. Some sort of quote of affirmation, painted in a similar chain of colours to what you’d remembered of your home. DON’T LET YESTERDAY TAKE UP TOO MUCH OF TODAY. Reading it made you aware of the air in your lungs, which you’d expelled in a short breath.

“How much for this one?” You called out to the woman behind the wooden counter, her smile that of an Optimist. The kind you’d feel awful for if you didn’t return, so you did. Albeit completely forced. She shimmied past her counter and stepped over to the painting in question, crouching down to look at the small price sticker at the bottom. Then at you.

“You’re new, aren’t you?” She enquired, her eyes squinting as she smiled. “The one that came in with Tommy, with the little chatterbox.”

Should you take offence on behalf of Bonnie? You decided not to. Hoping she was about to offer you a newcomers deal, giving you more budget to find something for Bonnie. Instead, you nodded and breathed out a giggle at the chatterbox comment.

“I’ll trade it,” she declared, “for,” she pondered, “what’re you good at, kid?”

You paused. “Shooting.”

“Anything you can do inside these walls?”

You shrugged. “It’s all I’ve done the past twenty years.”

She laughed, dragging the frame towards the till. “Alright, fine. Save your ration cards. I’ll give you the frame for some help tidying up the shop.”

“Really? That’s it?” Your eyes widened.

She nodded, a throaty laugh bursted from her lips. “A days work is a fair trade. Now I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

You lifted the frame, attempting to carry it a number of ways, before settling on bear hugging the thing and walking sideways. You’d made it off Main Street and onto your own street, you could see the house within reach, but someone began shouting your name. You didn’t know many people, but it could be anyone. You lowered the frame, resting it on the top of your shoe, panting for no reason other than the weight of it.

It was Tommy. He had jogged over to you, a polite smile casting over his gently aged skin. You’d grown fond of Tommy, you’d seen the most of him and he was always making sure he’d leave you with some sort of positive reinforcement. It was like he had a town of children he had to mind over and make sure were okay and functioning.

“Been lookin’ for ya,” he greeted, “how’re ya settlin’?”

Your smile was stale. Bonnie could even see through it. “Well.”

Tommy gave you the classic dad look, eyebrows raised, head titled down but eyes still trained onto your own. “Y’sure?”

You swallowed, no excuses for your glassy eyes. Tommy got all he needed from you with one look, he could read you like a book. The moment between you quietened, you felt like a child going to their parent for advice after doing a bad thing.

“Look, it’s a hard thing you’ve been doin’. Comin’ here ain’t gonna be easy.” His voice was small, his words only for you. “But don’t sit on this, okay? You feel any worse, you come find me.”

Your bones felt brittle in this moment. One strong gust of wind would topple you over and you’d never get back up. But you needed to be strong right now, you couldn’t break down to Tommy on your way to the house with a giant picture frame. Holding words you couldn’t even follow yourself. All you could do in this moment was nod and smile, squeezing your eyes shut to dissolve the tears.

“Here. Let me carry this back for ya.” Tommy took the frame from you, lifting it with ease from years of experience of carrying awkwardly shaped things. He trailed it back to the house, as you unlocked your door and gestured for him to put it anywhere. He rested it against the back of the couch with a grunt, breathing a deep sigh at the task done.

“Thanks, Tommy.” It was for the picture frame, but you applied it to everything he’d done for you. “What were you looking for me for?”

Tommy’s lightbulb lit up, remembering why he found himself on Oak street looking for you. “Maria said you were looking out for jobs, I assume to keep whatever is goin’ on with you quiet.”

You laughed. “That, and it feels like a necessary step. Giving back to the community and all, considering I got this.” You gestured to the house. “I’ll do anything.”

“Anything you’re skilled at? Besides breakin’ bones.” Tommy joked.

“How is Jesse, by the way?” You hadn’t seen him since you jumped off his horse and turned your back on the poor boy whose nose you broke.

“Recoverin’.”

You sat on the couch beside Tommy, running your hands over your jeans uncomfortably. “Does it get easier?”

Tommy grunted in confusion.

“All this?” You added.

“Easier to live with. Not all these folks have done half the things we have, they arrived in groups with people like you and me at the head of them.” He explained, his voice rough as he thought back to the memories of Jackson expanding. “But you’d be surprised, most of the more violent ones have taken to gardening and farming. It shuts their mind up.”

“What’s it gonna be for you, hm?” He asked, standing from the couch and moving over to the door. You joined him, thanking him once again for helping you out. He stepped out the door and onto your porch, turning to head down the steps and back onto the street. But he stopped.

“You know,” he laughed, “you remind me a little ‘a my big brother.”

“How so?”

“Can’t quite explain it.” He called out to you. You smiled at him, knowing that comment was going to sit on your mind all night.

[millersbabe]

ˏˋ 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 ´ˎ˗

part three

♡ joel miller x f!reader angst + grumpy joel + some violence + swearing

Snow gathered on the sidewalks, where the curb meets the road. Some had been melted by the rain, some stood in its icy form against rooftops, car hoods, and windowsills. It hadn’t snowed it days, it was sure to melt away, returning to the warm sun and the blossoming life of plants.

Spring was your favourite. The Earth was heating up again, leaves would spring through the branches of trees, it wasn’t sweltering your skin for the hours you’d walk under the sun. It would rain, and oh how you loved the rain. You’d collected so many books, of which you’d had to leave behind for more useful gear. Full of romance, confessions in the pouring rain, being undeniably in love with someone that you just have to tell them, no matter the weather.

You’d stopped in front of the specific house on Rancher Street. Admiring the suburban home, a spacious porch, lovey fence, attached garage. You hadn’t even seen your own place yet, you hadn’t even believed it yet. It felt too good to be true.

Your knuckles rapped against the door before you took a step back, awaiting a response. The door creaked open and who you could only assume was Tommy’s grumpy brother stood in its place. His resting face even looked grumpy, telling you to fuck off his property with just his eyes.

“Hey, uh, I’m here for Bonnie?” You posed the question, looking around at the inside of his house for any signs of her. Despite the trusting nature of Tommy and Maria, you couldn’t settle the small voice stabbing the back of your brain, telling you to be worried.

“She’s upstairs,” Joel mumbled, almost lost in his thoughts. He was staring through you to the point you felt your skin burning, like he’d seen you before and didn’t know where. Like you’d kicked him in the teeth and just walked away.

Joel stepped out the way, cursing himself out of his trance and gesturing you inside. He picked up his feet as he trotted up the stairs, whilst you stood awkwardly in his foyer. You’d heard a collection of voices and footsteps, growing louder as they descended down the stairs. You picked out Bonnie’s voice and picked the hem of your shirt to ease your anxiety.

“Bon!” You kneeled down your arms out as she ran into you, her little arms squeezed around you with adoration. Just as yours did around her. There was no way to describe who you were Bonnie to other people, sometimes she felt like a little sister, sometimes she felt like a daughter. Hell, you were old enough to be her mother. Most days you felt like it. But there was no need for specific labels, there’s no law and legal procedures to follow anymore, she’s your kid.

“I’ve been colouring with Ellie, she was drawing me things and I coloured them!” She was ecstatic, bouncing around as she explained the time she’s had here. “Then we had some popcorn from a bag and we watched a movie. Grumpy Joel made us dinner too.”

You swallowed your laugh. “You can’t say things like that, you say thank you.”

“Ellie calls him that!” She countered.

“You’re not Ellie,” you returned, “now say thank you. We gotta get going.” You stood back up, your limbs still stiff from the hours you’d slept. You watched as Bonnie thanked them both, the two girls heading upstairs to collect Bonnie’s things.

“Thank you for keeping her.” You spoke into the room, Joel now avoiding your gaze out of awkwardness for doing the opposite earlier. “And sorry for her calling you grumpy, she’s lacking in social skills. She’s brutally honest with me too.”

“So you think she was honest? About me bein’ grumpy?” Joel retorted, hands on his hips loosely. Your face flushed with heat, lips slightly parted at what you just said. Could you blame it on your half asleep brain?

“No!” You blurted out, hand over your mouth. “No, uh, that’s not what I meant. I mean—meant— she says things with no filter. I’m sure you’re not grumpy.”

“No she’s right, I am grumpy.” Joel replied back, cutting you off. You were over explaining yourself, and Joel watched with a smirk on his face. It was amusing to him. What a dick.

You bowed your head in confirmation and diverted your eyes elsewhere. Pretty privilege was still alive and well. Had he been on the lower end of the looks spectrum, you’d have picked up Bonnie and stormed out, with a swift cuss word or two as a departing gift. But the man was gorgeous.

Working with his hands type of gorgeous. Ruffled hair that sat nicely on his head, hardened features with a glare you’d happily swipe off his face. His clothes fit him well, and he smelt divine. Like a smell you couldn’t wipe off, it was a specific scent. One you’d pick up was him in a lineup of people in the dark.

Good looking grumpy asshole, you thought. Finally, Bonnie had returned with her pages and jacket in hand, cutting away the tension in the room. You briefly said a wordless goodbye as you reached for the doors, allowing Bonnie to step out before you.

“See ya around, Bonnie.” Ellie called out, the smaller girl turning to wave politely. You didn’t turn, though. Sparing your embarrassment for another day. You were sure it was going to happen again, fumble your words around him and see him smirking over it. This wasn’t like you.

Joel watched you leave, stomping through the snow towards his gate until you fiddled with the lock. His arms were crossed and he stood there for a moment longer, before slamming the door shut.

“I bet you were a dick,” Ellie sighed, sitting on the staircase with her elbows on her knees and her head rested in her palms, “you were, weren’t you? Total dick. Can never make friends.”

“I don’t need friends.” Joel murmured, passing her to busy himself in the living room.

“You think so, but everyone else thinks otherwise. You spend your days with me or Tommy, or the horses. What kind of life is that, Joel?” Ellie goaded, passion interlaced with her words as she threw them at Joel.

“I don’t need you or Tommy tellin’ me what I need. So keep it to yourself.” Joel’s voice was tired. Having someone new in the house, especially another child, had taken away his sleep. His body was craving it, but his mind wouldn’t let it. He needed to stay awake, for any worries, for any danger that might arise. Two people now under his responsibility for one night. He’d noted to strangle Tommy when he next saw him.

Ellie walked upstairs, done with the one-sided conversation. Joel stared out his window, overlooking the small wounds his heart felt at those words. Did they really think that of Joel? A completely lonely grump? He used to have neighbours growing up who were lonely, grumpy men, who would watch their lawn day and night to keep kids off it. They were miserable, Joel felt for them.

But he wasn’t going to let that happen to him. He wasn’t ready to settle into retirement just yet, the community needed more from him. That, and he’d be rocking back and forth in a corner of a room if he didn’t keep busy.

You followed the signs to your own home on Oak Street, the house in the middle of the street. The houses were smaller, but you loved it. It was cozy and only meant for the two of you, and anything was better than the other side of that wall. You breathed a sigh of relief as you stepped up the porch and found the keys hanging beside the door.

“Can we play with my toys?” Bonnie asked, not even a foot in the door yet. You laughed out loud at her, but taking in the view of your home. It had been furnished to the best it could, just needed to be made a home. The backyard door opposite you gave you a glimpse into the backyard, a square bit of snow with a fence surrounding it, you couldn’t wait to see how it bloomed in spring.

You examined the rest of the house, grateful for every room you looked in. Bonnie’s room had a bed, a dresser, and boxes of toys in the corner. A lovely big window, there were even shelves of which she could put things on. Your own room was pretty much the same, a bigger bed, a bigger dresser. Shelves above your headboard, a bay window overlooking the street.

You sat onto the bed, the soft comfort or overwhelming your skin. A selfish pleasure you had the luxury of having now, dragging your fingers along in made your skin warm. You laid back into the mattress, staring at the ceiling as emotion overcame you. For so long, it had been a fight everyday. You’d been in constant fight of flight, it ate away at your sleep, your appetite, the way you interacted with Bonnie. You were hard on her a lot, only to keep her safe. You forgot she was a child, thinking she was tougher than she was.

Emotion had been the last thing on your mind, living in the past is something your mind tended to do before you fell asleep. Reminding you of who you’ve lost, where you’ve been, what you’ve had to do. Your eyes were a consistent flow of tears, sliding down to the tops of your ears. They wouldn’t stop, not even as Bonnie climbed onto your bed with a concerned look.

“Why are you crying? Are you sad?” She questioned you, laying down beside you.

“No,” you croaked, wiping your tears and turning onto your side, “I’m happy. I’m so happy. You’re safe now.”

“I’m safe with you,” she countered, sounding wise beyond her years, “you make sure the monsters don’t get us.”

In her own way, she’d cleared the clouds of guilt in your mind. For all the days you were hard on her, commanding her to listen and do what you say. For all the nights she wanted to play a game but you weren’t in the mood. For all the things she’d gone through because of where you’d taken her. You made her feel safe, you kept her alive. You got her here, where her mother wanted her to be. You’d done your job now. But you were miles off from being done. She was still your responsibility.

“Why don’t we check out those new toys, hm?” You offered, pushing yourself up from where you laid and gestured her towards her own room. You wiped your tears and took a deep breath, your chest shakily accepting the air in.

You’d take this one day at a time.

[millersbabe]

ˏˋ 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 ´ˎ˗

part two

♡ joel miller x f!reader angst + grumpy joel + some violence + swearing

Your memory of anything before the girl and her family was scarce. Even more so before the world ended, you were the girls age yourself. Time thickened your skin, hardened your mind, scraped out your soul from the pit in your stomach. Any hopes and dreams little you had for when she grew up was so far removed from your current reality, you wished you could visit her and show her what happened. Show her that being an astronaut or a lawyer doesn’t matter anymore, you can either wish to live or die.

You took back your thoughts of the cabin being a stronghold upon arriving at Jackson. This was a stronghold. People adorning the top of the gates, looking out for anything or anyone, shouting to each other that two had returned.

The gates pushed inwards, revealing a town. A deeply developed town, plucked from the world before. With shops, people, families. Hay bales, carts of goods, friends laughing and smiling. You had a hard time believing life wasn’t anything different from the one you’d been living the past 25 years. The horses trotted into town, Tommy and Jesse greeting the people guarding the gate with some information you couldn’t care less about.

You jumped from the horse and grimaced at the pain in your ribcage, ignoring it to help the girl down from Tommy’s horse. The town hadn’t even stopped to look your way, two newcomers clearly wasn’t anything new. This was a real, living and breathing town. Had you died in that cabin? Did the two men successfully break in and kill you both? Was this Heaven? Your mind raced with questions, hoping for answers.

“Ya probably need checkin’ over.” Tommy drawled, “I think I might’a broken your ribs. I’ll take ya to the infirmary.”

You nodded, helpless to the growing thorn in your side. Bringing the girl alongside with you. You admired the shops lining the Main Street, the facilities to help people with heartfelt signs plastered onto the windows. Daycares, grocers, a salon? You stumbled mindlessly into the building after Tommy, trying to wrap your mind around the dream sequence you’d stepped into.

“What’s your name, sweetheart?” Tommy asked, crouching down to the girls height. She was sheepish and hid behind your leg, peering out at the man in front of her.

“Go on,” you urged her, also crouching to bring her some comfort. “Tell Tommy.”

“Bonnie.”

“Bonnie! That’s a lovely name.” Tommy cooed at her. “Now you must be starvin’, we got some food in the lunch hall for ya. How does that sound?”

Bonnie nodded at Tommy, a smile on her face at the mention of food. For the first time in a very long time, your mind settled. You weren’t in fight of flight, for now anyway. And Bonnie had a chance of being happy. And properly fed. Tommy stood up and offered you his hand, giving you the same warm smile he gave to Bonnie moments ago.

“Nurses are here for ya,” he spoke, “I’ll get her fed and keep her occupied whilst you’re checked out. Now are you comfortable with stayin’?”

It was selfish to say no. You nodded your head at him, trying to get a read on him as he stared at you. He was kind, he’d only been aggressive when he’d seen a threat. But he’d offered you more than anyone ever had, and actually delivered.

“My wife, Maria, she’ll be in to chat to you soon. We’ll get you both sorted out some stuff.” He affirmed, taking the hand of Bonnie and turning for the door. “Now we got sandwiches, you like sandwiches? We even got some cookies!”

Bonnie giggling made your heart contract, it was something you valued. The moments of laughter the two of you had on the floor of some torn up building, walking down the longest road racing each other to make time go by quicker. She no longer had to only rely on you for it all, she had her shot at a normal life here. And so did you.

“Tommy,” you breathed, “thank you. For all this.”

“Don’t you worry ‘bout it.”

Maria had arrived shortly after the nurses checked you over. You had in fact broken a rib and required limited movement for about six weeks, with some painkillers and icing the area. Maria sat at your bedside as you rested, to ask you some questions.

“How long have you and Bonnie been travelling for?” She asked, handing you a hot tea in a simple steel mug. They reminded you of the ones Bonnie’s mom kept, they were her camping mugs. You cradled the steaming liquid and breathed in the scent, you hadn’t had tea in forever. Or anything hot for that matter.

“Lost count.” You sighed. “I met her family in Missouri and stayed with them for a long time. Then things happened, they died, and now it’s just Bonnie and I.” It was hard to get out. They were your family, too. Even though you’d lost your own. They didn’t have to take you in, morality died for some with the rest of the world, but they helped you. They taught you everything you knew.

“Missouri? That’s a long way.” Maria was surprised. “Do you have any family of your own?”

You shook your head. “Parents are gone. I had a brother who I’d bounce around the QZ’s with, but he joined some group and took off. He could be dead or worse for all I know.”

“Anyone I can look around for?” She offered.

“His name was—is—Jack.”

You’d given Maria your story, keeping a few small things to yourself. For yourself. And she left with the promise to look around for your brother. Part of you believed her, that she would find him. But you weren’t holding out hope. You’d learnt not to be hopeful anymore, it got you nowhere.

When Maria had left, the nurse had advised you to stay and rest for the night. Which you had no complaints about, any moment of rest was vital. The ward you were on had six beds collectively, the curtains shut so the sun had created a muted glow throughout. The silence, the light feeling you had in your heart, it had knocked you out.

“Where are we going?” Bonnie asked Tommy, her hand back in his when they’d left the lunch hall. He’d socialised her with a few other kids her age, and she seemed to adapt very well. Everything she’d seen and heard hadn’t stolen the light from her.

“Well we can’t go back for your friend, she’s fast asleep. And I think you should do the same.” Tommy suggested to the small girl walking alongside him. She just stared up at him sheepishly, a small frown on her face.

“Okay,” she mumbled out, wiping her hair from her face, “will she know where I am?”

Tommy nodded. “We’re setting you up a brand new home, with clothes, toys, and food. She just needs her rest before you move in!” Tommy was animated with his voice, he’d learnt from his own kid. Benjamin seemed to take any instruction well when Tommy brought himself down to his level.

Tommy and Bonnie arrived at a house, Bonnie’s small hand squeezing tighter onto Tommy’s. Bonnie shuffled behind Tommy, stood behind him cowering as he knocked on the door. It took a minute or two until the door had swung open, Tommy surprised to see Ellie standing there.

“What’s up, Tommy?” She asked, hands on her hips. She looked around outside for anything else, but it was just Tommy and a small set of boots behind him.

“Joel around? I got a favor to ask, though I think I know the answer.” He laughed. “You might be the better person to ask.”

“Shoot.”

“Would you mind watching’ over Bonnie here? Her friend is in the infirmary and whilst we fix ‘em up their place, she needs somewhere to stay.” Tommy explained, stepping to the side to reveal the small girl behind him.

“I don’t think Joel will like this.” Ellie debated. “So, sure.” She laughed with Tommy, pushing the door open further to allow Bonnie to enter. “Hi Bonnie, I’m Ellie.”

“Hi.” She whispered. The two entered the house, Tommy waving them off with a smirk.

Bonnie sat in Ellie’s room, on her floor with some stray bits of paper and an assortment of crayons she’d “borrowed” from the daycare a few days ago. They were drawing their own things, Ellie sketching some moths and Bonnie drawing her family.

“Just you and your friend?” Ellie asked. She was aware there was limited conversation here, they were two different ages. Bonnie being 6 and Ellie behind almost 10 years older.

“My mommy died from the monsters. So did my daddy. We came all the way here for help.” She spoke, no tears, no wobbles in her voice. It was shocking for a six year old to have gone through all this heartache.

“Well you have all the help you need now. You can go to school and learn, you can live in a nice place like this, you can make friends.” Ellie exclaimed, in her monotonous teenage voice. “You’re safe now.”

Bonnie grinned, diverting her attention back to her colouring page. But Ellie paused for a moment, her stomach turning inside her with an amalgamation of feelings. It felt like guilt, but she oftentimes recorded it as anxiety. It felt like heartache, it felt like compassion.

Joel had returned from the stables. He wasn’t due to patrol today, in fact, it was his day off. Just wanting to see the horses. He’d grown to love them over the years, learnt what they liked and didn’t, would stay after stabling them just to brush them and pet them. Joel never thought animal therapy worked, didn’t even think normal therapy worked, but it did. In its own small way, it did. Days off were still something Joel hadn’t gotten accustomed to yet. He loved them, then he hated them. On the particularly bad mental days, he’d offer to take peoples patrol shifts just to give him something to do. But other days he liked sleeping in, doing something with Ellie, making dinner like the world hadn’t stopped around him.

Today had been a particularly long day for him, so when he’d shook off his jacket at the door and called for Ellie, he felt like a deer in headlights to see another smaller girl beside her.

“Um, hello?” Joel greeted the both of them, turning his attention to Ellie, “on the younger side of your friend group, don’t ya think?”

“Joel!” Ellie quietly scolded, glancing down at Bonnie to make sure her old man didn’t upset her. But she seemed unfazed by him, more interested in her footwear and the hem of her shirt.

“‘M sorry,” he exclaimed, hands in the air in defence, “who is she?” He mouthed, stepping past the two and over to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water from the door.

“This is Bonnie,” Ellie introduced, “Tommy came by earlier and—”

“Of course he did.” Joel mumbled to himself. Tommy was always offloading the tedious jobs onto Joel, despite Tommy being the fucking mayor of Jackson. And having triple the social skills of his older brother.

“As I was saying, Tommy came by and asked if she could stay until her friend was out of the infirmary. He’s getting their place ready, and can’t have her because Benjamin is ‘enough child’ as he put it.” Ellie explained.

“Right,” Joel muttered, leaning against the hardwood counter and tapping his fingers in a rhythmic beat, “what do I do with a… what, four-year old?”

“Six.” Bonnie added. Ellie found it quite amusing.

“I’ve kept her entertained this far, what’s a few more hours, right?” Ellie affirmed, taking the younger girls hand and leading her back upstairs.

“Tommy, I’m gonna kill you one ‘a these days.” Joel huffed to himself again.

You were in and out of sleep for most of the night, and had woken up quite late into the morning. Clearly the weeks of no sleep had caught up to you and held you down until you felt rested enough. Your mouth was dry, you felt hungry, nauseous, your head felt like it was being axed down the middle like a coconut.

“You’re up!” One of the nurses, Hannah, cheered, steering her cart over to your bed. She was the one that kept checking in on you throughout your stay here. An older woman, about mid 60s with short blonde hair. “Now I know your mouth probably feels dryer than a sand dune right about now.”

You didn’t have it in you to laugh, if your mouth were to open you’d be coughing up whatever was in your stomach, if there were anything left. You accepted the cup of water, politely trying to swallow it whole before taking a deep breath.

“Just going to check you over once more, make sure nothing else has crept up. Then you’re all good to go.” She chirped. “Maria left a note for you.” She rummaged around in her pocket, lifting out random scraps of paper before finding the right one.

You unfolded the small, white page and read its contents eagerly. Any updates on Bonnie was all you cared about.

Here’s the address for where to pick up Bonnie, grumpy man but he’s Tommy’s brother, so you can trust him and his daughter.

Here’s the address for your new place. We’ve left some things there for you. If you need any help settling in, Tommy and I are around.

We can discuss Job details soon, and getting Bonnie into school.

We hope you can feel some safety being in Jackson, we’re a big family here. You can trust us.

Maria

Your mind stilled knowing Bonnie was in good hands, you trusted Maria enough to trust Tommy’s brother, even if he was a grump. You complied with all the checks Hannah wanted you to do, eager to get some fresh air and walk around. The thought of having a place of your own tonight was unfamiliar. You felt like an impostor; trying to pretend life was okay, whilst people were dying outside these walls.

Selfishly, you wanted to be okay. You and Bonnie, nothing and body mattered more. You’d fought this long alone, and a few added years looking after a child, you felt as if you deserved it.

“Seems good to me, sweet,” Hannah declared, “you’re good to go.”

“Thanks,” you pursed your lips together in an awkward smile, standing from your bed with unstable knees. Stepping out of the infirmary, the cold air hit you like a slap to the face. Biting at the apples of your cheeks, blood racing to warm up your skin.

Blowing hot hair into your hands and shoving them under your arms, you began to walk. Your mind felt free, no longer anchored down with risks and fears. It was hard to not trust a community of people when you were so desperate for help. And with a firm but lifted heart, you began following the street signs to find Rancher Street.

[millersbabe]

ˏˋ 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 ´ˎ˗

part one

♡ joel miller x f!reader angst + grumpy joel + some violence + swearing

The world ending was something nobody ever thought could be a possibility, until it did. You’d watch movies about it, read comics about it, but never expect to wake up on the other side of it. It turned you inside out, made you do things you never thought you’d do. Be someone you never wanted to be.

But to survive, there was no choice.

Your boots crunched along the snowy trail you were following, covering the smaller footprints ahead of yours. Keeping safe your only companion. She stomped her feet, careful of being swallowed by the ice beneath her. She was only small.

“Not far now,” you whispered, adjusting the beanie atop your head to cover your ears. The two of you were scouting the new town you’d come across, for any signs of loot. Any signs of life and you turned the other way. You weren’t here to deal with conflict.

You’d found a drugstore with large, rusted vans parked in front of it, the windows smashed and blockaded over. Graffiti adorned the once white walls, telling a story of how it had come to be this way. You glanced around for an entrance, your eyes catching a thin window near the ceiling of the building. Too risky, you had no idea what was inside, how far the drop was.

All for loot that wasn’t vital, but could be.

“Are we going inside?” The girl asked, looking up at you. You shook your head, taking her small hand in yours and leading her onwards.

“Just a little further and we’ll settle down before it gets dark,” you instructed, your breath taking form as you sighed heavily. Some days felt better than others, but for the most part you felt lost. Entirely lost. Floating along a vast nothingness, no anchor tying you to anywhere, slowing you down to keep you from dizzying.

But you had responsibility. A child to keep safe, keep warm and fed, a duty to a found family you’d long forgotten through nights of fighting, running, crying. The road ahead stretched for a while and you could see it winding off in the distance, leading up towards the mountains. An impossible feat for the two of you.

You walked for a long while, the girl occasionally opening up with questions. She was more talkative than you’d ever been, but she brought it out in you. It had been over a year of just a six-year-old’s company. You wished for some socialisation for her, for people her age to talk to and learn from. Instead she had a 32 year old who was trying her best and just falling short.

“I’m tired.” She cried, chin tucking into her chest with a wobbly lip.

“I know,” you huffed, “just a little longer, okay? See that cabin up there?” You pointed to the top of the hill at a small, wooden cabin. That was surprisingly not burnt down or vandalised in any way.

But the look on her face shot you in your heart. Her half-lidded eyes, the cold collecting on her cheeks and nose. How could you defy her? You made it up the hill, carrying her in your arms along with her backpack on your back, with your own, and a gun slung over your shoulder. Safe to say you’d exceeded your physical efforts for the day. It was this cabin, or death.

You knew she was asleep from the snoring in your ear and she’d gotten just a little heavier. But you still scouted the place, stepping over the traps by the doors, peering through the cracks in the windows, breaking open the door with your free arm. It was untouched? The inside was still run down, but not in total disarray. The dining table that was pushed against the wall had a radio, walkie talkie chargers, and some kind of log book?

Your curious mind was getting ahead of you, so you flicked through it after adjusting the girl in your arm. Names, dates, information about a trail and no issues. You had no clue of the current date, not even what day it was, so these could be old memories of a community. You crushed the small part of you that was hopeful for civilization.

You put the girl down onto the floor, unrolling your sleeping bags from your packs. You were still wary of having stepped into a potential stronghold. Not that it was any good. A horde could flatten that door down if there were enough, you did it with a sleeping child in your arms.

“You need to eat, okay?.” You spoke to the girl, who was rubbing her fists in her eye sockets. You’d rummaged for food already, finding a few energy bars to add to your collection.

You joined her on the floor, after pushing the table in front of the door and putting everything you could find into your backpack. “So, on the menu tonight we have…”

“Canned peaches,” you offered with one hand, “or,” you dug into your bag, “canned pineapple.”

The girl pointed to the peaches, a cheeky smile on her face knowing she chose your favourite one. Not that you minded at all, any happiness she got took away a chunk of the guilt you carried.

At only six, she’d lost her dad, lost her mum, travelled to a completely new place with a new person, in hopes of a society.

The two of you sat in silence, chewing on your desired fruits with your flashlight pointed at the ceiling. She looked around at the cabin, whilst you looked at her. Studied her for any sort of hurt, trauma, loneliness. You tried your best to shield her from it, but there were some things just not possible to hide. She never touched any of your weapons, she’d hide if there were infected or raiders around. But she could hear it all. And that scratched at your insides.

“We’re going up the mountain tomorrow.” You declared, staring down at your empty tin of fruit. The juice remaining at the bottom, which you’d quickly guzzled down. “See what we can see from the top. And if you’re lucky we can slide down it.”

Once the fruit was eaten, you’d turned off the flashlight and tucked it under your pillow, next to your gun. The girl laid close to you, with your coat and her blanket covering her up. She was sleepy eyed as she looked at you.

“You don’t leave this cabin, okay? There’s traps outside.” You instructed. “But I’ll be here, okay?”

She nodded, it didn’t help her much, but she felt safe around you at least. You made sure she was asleep first, before closing your own eyes. Arms folded, willing your mind to settle. Every night was the same, exhausted physically but your brain was haywire. You’d eventually pass out from your brain beating itself up with anxieties.

You didn’t dream anymore. Just small sequences of memories, from times you wished you were taken away from, but you’d give anything to go back now. You heard creaking wood, seeing the girl’s mum carrying the infant in her arms, the floorboards of the room you were in creaking.

The creaking slipped into thudding, the memory stolen away from you as your brain began to stir. You instinctively grabbed your gun upon realising the thudding was real, aiming it at the door. The table bounced towards you as the door slammed against it, your knuckles whitening at the grip on your gun.

The girl slept through it all. You were stood up, gun trained at the person who’d barged in, their own gun held out in front of them. It was a silent duel, until the man’s eyes glanced down at the girl stirring awake. Every ounce of security you had over her was shattered. You had thrown your own sleeping bag over her, hoping it would look like a pile of blankets and not a child beneath it.

You took the small window of opportunity, the man’s head turned away from you as you pushed into him, turning his gun upward and off the girl. You hit his nose with the butt of your own gun. But you were quickly handled by another man slamming into your side, knocking you onto the floor next to her.

You groaned, the act of breathing making you wince, nonetheless you crawled along the floor in front of her. “Please.” You begged. “Don’t touch her.”

“How’d you get in here?” The second man drawled, the first clutching his nose as it bled. Your breath was shallow, so overcome with Adrenaline that you didn’t think first.

“The door!” You exclaimed, hands up but still covering behind you. “I broke the door.”

“How’d you get past the traps?” He questioned again, fury still dropping from his tone.

“They were easy to spot, I’ve done this before.” You winced and clutched your side, definitely having broken a rib with that slam. “Please, we’re just trying to get by.”

The man was quiet. Looking from his partner back to you, then to the girl behind. Every glance towards her made your blood hot. You’d tear them limb from limb if they threatened her.

“Hell of a hit.” The first man grunted, his voice nasally and wet from the blood melting down his face. You still had your guard up, despite theirs loosening.

“Who are you people?” You asked, standing up and gathering your things quickly. The girl had slipped her coat back on, her hand clutching onto yours.

“I’m Tommy,” the second man offered, “this fella with the broken nose is Jesse. We’re from Jackson a few miles down the mountain.”

“Jackson?”

Tommy nodded. “Heard of it?”

You shook your head. Slinging your gun over your shoulder and pulling the girl closer to you. You had met many people in this new world, mostly bad, some bad pretending to be good. So you just go through life assuming everyone wants to kill or eat you. And it’s gotten you this far.

“We got resources, food, clothes, everythin’ ya need. Come on.” Tommy beckoned you both out, Jesse following with his hand still attached to his face.

You let out a sharp laugh. “Heard that one before. Why should we just follow you, hm?”

Jesse made no attempt to explain, he just climbed back onto his horse. You’d split the bridge of his nose, making for a pretty hefty hit.

“We’re good people, I promise ya. If you don’t want to stay, we’ll give ya a horse and some food to take off with.” Tommy reasoned. “There’s a life for you and the girl down here.”

It’s what you came for. It’s what you promised her mother when she died, when you’d taken on responsibility for her. It’s what this whole journey has been for. You looked down at the girl, her hopeful eyes looking back at you. Your cautious brain fought tooth and nail with your heart. Ultimately deciding with your heart.

“Okay.”

The girl climbed onto the back of Tommy’s horse, hands clinging to the material of his jacket. And you’d situated yourself on the back of Jesse’s, holding onto his coat with a much less firmer grip.

”Sorry ‘bout your nose.” You called out, over the sound of the galloping and the wind catching in your ears.

“You held your own, I’ll give you that.” He replied. No hard feelings, it seemed.

You glanced over at the girl behind Tommy, her frightened eyes taking in everything around her. She’d never been on a horse, she’d not seen another person in a long while. Things were clearly sitting on her brain more than you’d like. You longed to tell her it’d be okay. No more running, no more wondering about food and shelter anymore. You hoped Tommy was as good of a person as he claimed, because you weren’t sure how much longer you could fight.

[millersbabe]

ˏˋ 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 ´ˎ˗

𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

♡ joel miller x f!reader angst + grumpy joel + some violence + swearing

part one

part two

part three

part four

part five

part six — coming soon