min2hoesk

[min2hoesk]

1/15/24

no, you're right.

i should've texted you that i was going to sleep even though you didn't text me all day.

i should drive to your house again even though i work full time and 45 minutes from my house and you work from home and you live 35 minutes away from me. you've only been to my house once, that's okay.

i should be appreciative of you making time for me out of your busy schedule with your friends and hobbies.

no, when you said "no" immediately when i asked if i can borrow your hoodie because i wanted something that reminded me of you, it didn't hurt my feelings. it didn't even hurt my feelings when you said "whatever" to me after i said i didn't want to take it anymore after you said it was a joke.

no it doesn't hurt me to wait 4-8 hours for a text back when i know you're constantly on your phone when im over.

no, it's okay that when i asked if we could call each other every night before bed for a couple minutes (i had to preface this) and you said it depends on what YOU'RE doing, it didn't hurt my feelings.

no, when i see all the tiktoks and posts about the little things that boyfriends do for their girlfriends and i can barely get you to answer my text or talk to me when we hangout, it doesn't bother me.

no, it doesn't bother me at all.

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december 14th 2023

today was an especially hard day. work was really bad. and im really struggling to come to terms with my emotions.

i don't know how to talk to my boyfriend. we've never had a very in depth conversation about our feelings and so i don't know how he feels. how he functions, what he loves, what he hates. and he doesn't know mine. i know we will get there but it's eating me up today.

im scared. im so fucking scared of this relationship. im scared of getting hurt again, of someone bringing me down and diminishing my flame again. i want to tell him what's going on but im scared he's going to do what my ex did and judge me for being emotional or that my mental health is too difficult for him.

my love language is communication and reassurance and that is clearly not his. and it's killing me. it makes me think he's not into me. it makes me question why he's with me. i don't feel like he does and it leads to this like confusion and questioning of why he is with me. and that's not fair to him at all because he has SHOWN me that he does. but i need him to know i need to be told. today i told him i missed him, not to guilt him into seeing me or anything, but just because i had a bad day and wanted to share it with my closest person (or at least for him to become that person). i just wanted him to say he missed me too. i just wanted him to say it back. but he didn't. he just reminded me that i'll be seeing him soon and it just felt like he was telling me to be grateful that i even got that time with him. i just wanted him to ask me what was wrong. and if i wanted to talk about it.

we started dating but everything feels the same. this week has been awful. emotionally i am drained. from all sides in my life and i just want it to stop. this is why i was so fearful of a relationship to begin with. it's making me question everything about myself.

i can't even stand up for myself to him, tell him that his response bothers me because im scared i'll lose him. i don't want to do it over text because that seems wrong and can be misinterpreted. i don't want to bother him and i shouldn't feel like that about my partner. but since he doesn't communicate well, it feels like i am.

idk i am so stressed out and work and my friends are not helping at all. i just want to curl up tomorrow and ignore everyone and everything. but i can't.

i just wanted him to say it back.

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december 13th 2023

okay so it's been a couple years(?) since I last wrote in this online diary and obviously a lot has probably changed but the biggest thing: i have a boyfriend!!! yay!!! we started seeing each other in august and just made it official on december 2nd. i am very happy. but im back here so clearly i need to vent.

let me preface: not about him. he's so wonderful dude, seriously. like even before we started dating exclusively. he was wonderful with my parents. he's nice to my friends. he takes an interest in my interests. we hangout every week and he makes time for me. he makes plans for the future like "have you been here? no? okay we will go sometime." he listens to me when i say things like i said i didn't like his pillows (as a JOKE because i brought my pillow from home to sleep on) and he went out before i came over the next day and had, not only new pillows, but 4 new pillows, new sheets, and he cleaned off the other side table for me and got me a charger??? i almost started crying. he had a tooth brush head laid out for me so i didn't have to bring one to his house. i mean....dude.

okay but now here's where the venting starts. i fully recognize his love language right? it's 100% acts of service for sure, with maybe quality time mixed in. but mine is words of affirmation and he's not very into that, like he doesn't like to text all day. and in saying that, i am trying to get better at not wanting that either, like i know im busy too and im fucking 25, like not high school anymore. but i think i just need him to like affirm that he still likes me at least once a day idk. like i really wish i knew how to describe it it but like not talking for 5 hours makes me antsy.

and also guess what!!!! my trauma has entered the chat!!!! i am so anxious anytime i have to invite him to a family event. and i want to and i don't want him to think that i don't want him there because i would literally shrink him into my pocket and take him with me everywhere if i could (thats another thing, im a very vocal and aggressive lover and he is not). but like my ex HATED my family and friends and would say no to almost anything i asked of him. we also could only do what he wanted to do like if i asked to do something he'd fight me on it but if i tried to fight him on something he wanted to do i was a horrible girlfriend. so like i just get so freaked out when i need to ask him because i don't want to overwhelm him or burden him or bother him and i shouldn't think like that because he's my partner like he shouldn't feel that way about me in general but that's how my ex viewed me all the time. and i get scared when im going to show affection or "love bomb" for lack of a better term, like really show him im falling for him because im scared of that rejection. and i don;t want him to think im trying to take him from his friends because i never am and i want him to have his alone time to himself to just like i want mine (even tho every free minute my skin itches to be close to him which i am aware is unhealthy).

idk i think there's a lot i need to confront about myself and also share with him. i think i also need to have a conversation with him where i ask how HE likes to be shown love so maybe he will ask me too and i can share some of my trauma and fear.

he is a really great guy i don't want to overshadow that. his mom is actually a goddess i love her. i could really, truly see a future with him.

also he talked about marriage recently like he DREAMED ABOUT OUR WEDDING? im shook.

anyways i think im falling in love with him actually <3

we also have a minecraft server with a house together and when i logged in he had built me a giant heart and kills all the monsters for me so i think honestly he is the one.

~lg

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When I was a child I didn’t know what concept art was so when I watched the behind the scenes clips for The Incredibles on dvd my brain almost imploded

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just found out reading is cool. i am reading an ethnography about the destruction of the community through horrible suburban zoning.

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this email could’ve been a fight to the death

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he's so flustered omg😂😂

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jimin @ set me free pt. mv making

bonus:

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sunshine♡

[min2hoesk]

3/23/2023

it’s been a while since i’ve posted. not much has really happened. i got a new job, still have the same friends. i saw nct 127 live tho, that was fun!

but that’s not why i’m here. i need to vent about something.

on 3/21/2023 i was sexually assaulted. i was on a date with a guy who i had been speaking with for a while and everything was going REALLY good. we decided that after dinner we were going to continue the conversation at a bar. i went because i’m old enough and i can look out for myself and this was a really cool guy who was nice and respectful and funny and i wanted to have fun and learn more about him.

but that’s not how the night went.

he took advantage of me while i was drunk and even after i had said i was uncomfortable and wanted him to stop, he continued. he would for a second and then continue anyways.

the next morning i woke up in my own bed - thankfully - and felt weird. i felt uncomfortable in my own skin. i felt gross and i didn’t even want to touch my own skin. i laid in bed until i had to go into work trying to wrap my head around what happened that night. i even went into work and tried processing what happened.

it wasn’t until that night that i explained to my friends what had happened and that i wasn’t sure what i was feeling and it wasn’t until they spoke up and said “that’s fully sexual assault” that it clicked in my head.

and i was sad. because the whole day i wondered what was wrong with ME. why I felt WRONG for not liking a guy who paid for my night and complimented me throughout. what was WRONG WITH ME for not liking how my night went when i should have been GRATEFUL.

and then i got angry. because for hours i came up with a plan on how i wouldn’t let that happen again. i won’t drink anymore on dates. i won’t go to bars anymore on dates. strictly dinner and then home and i will make sure they know that. i won’t get into their cars. i won’t let them get into mine.

i shouldn’t have to do that. i shouldn’t have to have preconditions set in place to protect myself from how i felt the morning of the 22nd.

i showered the next morning and felt sick touching all the places he had touched without my permission. the night before i deleted all my dating apps because the thought of talking to another man or going on a date made me feel ill.

it’s not my fault. i told him no. so why does it is? why do i feel like i have to make a game plan? why do i feel sad with myself that i didn’t protect myself like i’ve always told myself to?

i’m 24. this is the second time i’ve been sexually assaulted by a man. the first time was in my home. the second time was in my car.

that’s 2 times too many.

[min2hoesk]

BIBLE > VEGAS. KinnPorsche (2022) : Behind The Scenes (Episode 4).

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Chan & Berry Reunion!

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hi berry

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SUNWOO — [BE AWARE] JACKET BEHIND

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hi berry baby! 💕

+ bonus:

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WONWOO ✩ Fear [190919] ↳ counting down days till i see svt live (with random fancams): d-9