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We looked inside some of the posts by mincepiechallenge and here's what we found interesting.
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Tuesday 31st December 2019
Aaaaaannnnd thats your lot. Peace out, see you in 2020 x
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J R R Tolkien- Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
It seems to me to be ironic that while Christmas is a time of fantasy, it rarely appears in Fantasy literature!
And as a sad result, neither do mince pies.
However, once in a while you do come across a mince pie reference where you least expect it. And this time we've found one in (arguably) the greatest fantasy novel of all time: The Lord of The Rings!
This passage appears in the first volume of J R R Tolkien's 1178-page cure for sleep deprivation, in a moment of downtime in the elven forest of Lothlórien...
"Right ho!" whistled Merry. "If we've got a long journey ahead then we should get some snacks sorted."
Pippin agreed quickly: "A hobbit cannot manage on adventure alone - we're going to have to make sure we've got some decent grub. How about a few sweet pies, Merrin?"
"Ooh of course! It wouldn't be a trip without them. Galadriel, could you be so kind as to show us to the kitchens?"
Galadriel demurred: "Steady now hobbits, our eleven kitchens will cook you up everything you need."
But Merry and Pippin just laughed: "They won't know how to make a proper mincemeat pie!"
"What's in it?" asked Galadrial.
Merry closed his eyes and smiled: "What isn't in it? There are fruits and berries - all dried and spiced - with tiny chopped up nuts, and lots and lots of sugar. And it's all covered in a buttery, crumbling pastry. You could eat them forever."
"Sounds foul" said Galadriel.
"Well stick it up your arse, elf!" said Pippin, and ran off crying.
"There was no need for that Galadriel! Look what you've done," scolded Merry. "And Pippin is the toughest hobbit I know!"
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John le Carré - Smiley's Christmas
Mince pies might lighten the season, but let's not forget that Winter is a cold, dark, and depressing time of year.
Capturing this mood is spy writer John le Carré. His short story, 'Smiley's Christmas' takes place at the height of the cold war, when diplomatic tensions are at their highest and the job of a spy is more dangerous than ever...
From his vantage point Smiley watched a tramp amble slowly along the cold street. Apart from him, he was alone.
Christmas, he thought, was a particularly difficult period during which to practice spycraft. The dead drop locations were cold and lonely, without the throngs of people needed to disguise suspicious activity. At the same time, everyone wandered the streets bundled up in a mass of brown, grey, or black coats, making it all the more difficult to spot tails or to keep an eye on your targets.
But we have a job to do, reflected Smiley. Come rain or shine, clear skies or fog, we're out here. And now, standing on a quiet corner of Belgravia he spotted another figure - this time he was sure it was his contact, hurrying away from their pre-arranged dead drop. Smiley gave him a few minutes and headed over. There, sitting on a park bench, was a mince pie. Surely the message wasn't hidden in here he thought. Though it seemed as smart a place as any - no one would suspect a mince pie during Christmas!
Breaking open the mince pie, he looked inside. There didn't appear to be anything yet but it could be buried further in. Well, he thought, for England, and popped the pie into his mouth, using his teeth and tongue to search through the now-chewed wreckage.
Just then his contact jogged back: "Sorry Smiley, I only forgot to leave the bloody package, didn't I?!"
"So who left this mince pie?" asked Smiley through a mouthful of crumbs and mincemeat.
"Damned if I know,"" came the response, "But it was already there when I was shoo’ing that the tramp away."
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PG Wodehouse - Most Certainly, Jeeves!
Mince pies might have taken over the world but it wouldn't be a good British Crimbo without them. And who better to illustrate this than PG Wodehouse, humorist and accidental nazi.
Appearing in his 1924 story compilation 'Most Certainly, Jeeves', this passage sees Bertie Wooster put in a rather difficult situation thanks to the lack of mince pies, only to be saved - once again - by the inimitable Mr. Jeeves...
Winter rolled on, as it usually does, and as usual I received my summons to Tipping Hall, to spend Christmas with my Great Aunt Gladys.
Now Gladys might be a frightful old crone and about as much fun as a stubbed toe but Tipping Hall is quite a pile and the way she skimps on the hosting makes me think shes sitting on a decent bit of cash. In fact, I rather fancied that this might be the year she pops it, and putting in a little bit of last minute face time with the old dear couldn’t hurt my chances of upping the old inheritance.
But by God, she didn't half make you work for the cash!
Tipping Hall was not the bastion of 'mod cons' a fellow would expect to find in the city. The old place had a permanent pinch of cold, no matter how many logs I had Jeeves throw on to the fire. And the food was dismal.
Jeeves and I took the three-thirty train from Euston and when we arrived Gladys bundled me into the drawing room for afternoon tea. Now I don't mind telling you I was famished at this point. And what do I spy on the sideboard: one measy mince pie! One!
The next moment left me aghast - Gladys picked up a knife, cut it in two and dropped one of the pieces on my plate. Half a mince pie! My mouth dropped open and I could feel myself going red in the face. In my hunger my guard was down and I was very close to telling the stingy bat exactly what i thought of this half-measure.
Luckily Jeeves had slipped into the room and drawing up behind me gave a quick whisper: "Don't panic Sir! I've brought our own stash of pies, they'll be waiting on your bedroom dresser."
Now this was balm to my troubled mind. And the thought of these pies alone got me through that insufferable chat.
Well, the things we do for cash, eh?!
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Tom Clancy - Clear and Present Danger
Forget friends, family, and presents - nothing is more exciting at Christmas than a mince pie. So it stands to reason mince pies would be included in the most exciting books - including Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan novels!
Mr Clancy is a well known mince pie fan - though you wouldn't know it from this extract! In a 2012 interview with the Bristol Evening Post, Clancy admitted that he wrote this depiction of mince pies after a disappointing visit to a certain high-class department store...
The call came just as Jack Ryan was sitting down at Fortnum & Mason cafe. Seeking out refuge from London's busy Piccadilly shopping district he had found himself slipping through the golden doors of the upmarket department store and just as quickly spirited into it's cosy top-floor cafe.
He ordered a black coffee and a couple of mince pies, which he was horrified to see were inexplicably small and fearfully expensive. Half the size and twice the price, he thought. Just as began to lift the first stupidly tiny pie to his mouth, he heard the strains of the Star Spangled Banner rumbling through his jacket pocket. My mobile telephone, he thought, and quickly fumbled for it.
"This is Ryan."
"Holiday is over Sir," came the voice. "The President's life is under threat from militant vegan groups. We need you back on American soil. Right Now."
Ryan looked down at his plate of pies. He sighed and pushed them away, swinging out of his chair. He might want to eat his pies but right now that didn't matter. The call had come through. And Jack Ryan always answered the call.
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Dan Brown - The Christmas Cryptogram
Some say that since the success of the Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown's already simplistic prose has become lazy and evermore formulaic. On the other hand, some people haven't read his books yet.
Whatever your opinion of Mr Brown's pseudo-intellectual pot boilers, it is our pleasure to announce that Mince Pie Challenge 2019 has been chosen as the launch pad for a WORLD EXCLUSIVE extract from his latest waste of paper.
Set at Christmas, the novel will once again feature Robert Langdon, a Symbologist whose niche expertise are accompanied by a skill set that wouldn't look out of place in a Bond film. He's also incredibly popular with the ladies. And he's kind to animals.
In this teaser we are there for the moment Mr Langdon discovers a clue that will prove invaluable as he searches for the elusive secrets of SANTA'S WORKSHOP!
"All hope is lost," pouted Crystal, Langdon's improbably gorgeous and well-proportioned research fellow.
"Not necessarily," answered Langdon. "Biting into this mince pie has given me an idea.”
"Really?" said Crystal, sultrily.
"Mince pies are traditionally eaten at Christmas, a time of the year known for snow. According to the UK Met Office, snow is defined as solid precipitation which occurs in a variety of minute ice crystals at temperatures well below 0°C. Of course it also occurs as larger snowflakes at temperatures near 0°C. When it comes to making toys, any workshop would want to maintain a single level of temperature as fluctuations could cause disruption in the manufacturing process. Now it would make no sense for Santa to make his toys in hot weather when he has to deliver them in the cold. Therefore his workshop must be somewhere cold, with steady temperatures.
"And no doubt Santa will want to work in peace - so he needs a location previously considered uninhabitable.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking Crystal?"
'Perhaps... you say first" came the lusty reply.
"Santa's Workshop is in one of two locations: The North Pole, or the Moon. And I'm certain it's the former."
“How do you know?" asked Crystal, sexily.
"Well," smiled Langdon, "I can't see Santa managing to get enough mince pies up to the moon to keep him going for a full year!"
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Edgar Allen Poe - The Winter Murder
Although usually associated with happy times, we should not forget that Christmas has a creepy side. The dark nights, the cold winds, and an inevitable visit from the mother-in-law conspire to make this a season of ghoulishness as well as gladness.
And no one expresses this sentiment better than the master of the macabre, Edgar Allen Poe.
This passage, from his short story 'The Winter Murder', joins the story at the moment our unnamed narrator returns from dispatching his rival with an arsenic-laced mince pie...
The gloom of the night crowded at the door of my chambers, leaving its icy imprint upon windows and adding a sting of cold to the air.
An unnatural hunger began to pain me, oppressing all my senses with an overwhelming dizziness so that I lost control of my faculties of reason and felt myself begin to succumb to the desperate feeling that bore down it's plague upon me.
I rang for my servant and bade him bring me some refreshments at this late hour. Not a moment later he returned, a decanter of port in his hand, and on a silver tray - alas, the horror - a plate of mince pies.
A cold wave of fear washed across my blood, a chill that ran straight through my humours. Did he know? How could he have known of my foul deed? Was I in for the same treatment, a mince pie pricked with a deadly poison? Or worse yet, would i never be able to enjoy a mince pie again?
My head swam and I dropped to the floor in a girlish swoon.
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E L James - Fifty Shades of Grey
Mince pies are tasty. They are Christmassy. But are they also sexy?
No. Unequivocally not.
However, erotic romance “author” E. L. James would beg to differ. And while she would be wrong, she still has the right to her own opinions.
In 'Fifty Shades of Grey', her contemporary "classic", she attempts to make that argument...
Christian drops the horse-whip and my eyes widen at the thought of what's to come.
He leans in close, his breath on my neck: "Now, Miss Steele, pick up those mince pies."
I look down and see a six-pack of mince pies. Marks & Spencers finest; how like Mr Grey, no expense spared....
NO! STOP! I'm sorry but this is an affront to mince pies and I simply won't have it. Today's extract is CANCELLED.
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Franz Kafka - The Trial
Like any note-worthy 19th Century Bohemian, Franz Kafka famously loved mince pies. He is quoted, in several private letters to family and friends, extolling their virtues - from taste to texture, Kafka always had a good word to say about them.
However, this didn't stop him from including them as a wider symbol of absurdism, alienation, and existential anxiety in many of his novels and short stories. In 'Metamorphosis' they represent artistic struggle while in 'The Castle' they can be interpreted as a pointed criticism on complex bureaucracy.
Perhaps the most famous mince pie instance is in 'The Trial' - this extract appears early in the story and just as protagonist Josef K. is waiting to be escorted out of his rooms by the arresting officers, Wilhelm and Franz...
Once K. was fully dressed, he passed into the living quarters of his small and boxy chambers. He was greeted by the expectant expressions of Wilhelm and Franz.
"Right. Formalities be damned, am I now dressed appropriately to see the Supervisor?" scowled K.
"Indeed" nodded Franz. "Everything must be done properly" agreed Wilhelm. But neither made any sign of movement.
K. looked back blankly. "Shall we go and meet the supervisor?" he asked.
Franz and Wilhelm exchanged looks. "Shall we go?!" cried out Franz, "Can you believe this Wilhem. Now he's in a hurry." Turning to K. he continued: "Sir, you really do have no respect for formalities, do you? You would send us out, at this time of year, in this weather, without a single mince pie?"
K. was speechless. He opened his mouth to respond but promptly shut it again.
Wilhelm started up too: "Unbelievable. Well, not unbelievable at all really. From what I've seen of this man - we should have expected it. No mince pies? No wonder we're here to arrest you."
"Mince pies?" spluttered K. "Mince pies? It's September - they don't even sell them in shops right now."
"Hah!" exclaimed Wilhelm with a satisfied grunt, as though the lack of mince pies were proof positive of his charge's deviance.
"Hah" echoed Franz. "A real shame that. I really could have gone for a mince pie".
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