mindbleeds - Tumblr blog

[mindbleeds]

hey ok so this is risky cause i want to write it out but in the back of my head i know that you are probably going to find something wrong with it or something to point out about it idea- leave it the fuck alone challenging each other is what weve built this upon

fuck a challenge when all i ever hear is that im wrong see how quick it turned personal

i dont think you understand it (try not to take it personally) this was never, never ever, meant for you

so drop it i tell you that you matter why you still trying to throw a pity party?

its fucking manipulative and its got my head all twisted

how you project then we fuck then you say im deflecting

when all i wanted you to do was hold me literally thats it

but wait hold on somehow now i am the one who asked for help and isnt properly recieving it the way it was intended

tell me how you wanted me

to interpret what you were saying

like what the fuck babe i dont think you hear yourself sometimes then when im finally talking you want nothing to do with it

these matters dont even affect me all that much now i know where to go do you know where i am did you try to go looking

maybe if you read it written down it will make sense.

it is manipulative for you to sit me down under the guise of offering *unsolicited* help (ill take help whenever and whereever because god knows i need it) then replay the past two days bit by bit breaking me down then saying you have a point to make

what the fuck. ive confided in you the best that i can and i am pushing to break through to something more i swear. be patient but fuck man thats like me saying “hey i see you” (fuck i cant even go there) i wont get mad

just try to get better

[mindbleeds]

better help definiton of deflection

Deflecting is a psychological defense mechanism that people use to take the blame off of themselves. When they are deflecting, they are trying to make themselves feel less bad for their wrongdoings. This likely happens due to past experiences of being in trouble for things.

-ok so you claim i am deflecting- -you also say i am wrong for bringing up blame- -wheres your fucking doctorate tbh- -i did wrong on a personal level that then ripples to us (as a unit)- - it felt like you wanted that- -then you say i am deflecting?- -from what?-

[mindbleeds]

one dab before bed let me remind you what youve done have you forgotten who youre dealing with

no business in your attempt to flip the script quintensenntial manipulation yeah i know what this is

so before you throw your hands up claiming innocence shit did you forget that who youre coming at had jesus speaking through her on a macbook last night

yeah deny it ill stay relying on the words that got me through over and out above and way beyond spots youve never been

sounds hard dont it but thats not my intention though it may be your unique reception

i cant pretened as if you havent been right here by my side the last 48 months 4 whole fucking years (give or take some time)

youll say that im deflecting when i was the intial one who introuducted someone may actually have been in fact projecting

[mindbleeds]

finding that feeling like im about to feel some sort of purpose know that its all probably worthless know that i do not deserve this its clear it see ive been completely rung dry sacrificing it all for something i never got to ever see “all in good time” so if thats how its gonna be then imma say it is all fine from now until the end promise you wont ever be the one to find me slippin thought i knew what i was doin now all i do is pray that im forgiven and i dont even have a solid stance when it comes to religion all im really trying to do is start a new treat all that is about to happen see it as a new beginning

[mindbleeds]

Ground breaking, I am immediately drawn in

Lead by this pull that takes me far

So much further than I have ever been

Into depths so deep

I never knew they existed

(I feel deeply, elevated)

Captivated by what could potentially lie here

Just sitting around waiting to be uncovered

Resounding how it

Lingers for my embrace

Like a good warm hug that holds you with so much intensity

You shake

But I am not trembling

Only sporadically uncomfortable mostly

radically making impact with each and every footprint

And to think that this is selfish

That I like this?

Yeah, no 

Fuck that

I had to learn to love it

Simply because

There was no other way to live with it

And that is what makes me an artist

“Were all artists” yada yada

Yeah, well

You’re not

Reminder that I am

So stop making me adjust to the way that you do things

Realize that im different

And pray to god that he shows you how to always see me in the light that I was created in

Because I deserve that

And nothing less

Certainly not this

Restructure and redefine

Allowing it to happen over time

(Most importantly you must put genuine time into this)

Write and develop this gift

Dont let what doesnt come out leave you lying in bed tossing and turning 

All up in your head at night keeping you away from the rest that you so honestly deserve to get

Know that youve racked up good enough credit

To get away with things more often than not

So pour and feel whats coming out

Express it unabologetically and release for once

Then do it again

Flow with the rythyms and move with the steps

Guide it a little bit

But know

You are not the one who is in control

[mindbleeds]

New 12/27/22

Hello to the silence im holding on and molding something out of it. These messy days have me simply going along and trying not to think too much. Although the pull I feel and the clairity I have tells me to put forth some of these things into motion

As I go through old notebooks I know that some things never change. And I can notice how Ive grown but how some parts of me and who I am have always been the same. 

Along with the recognition is the admittion of what has gone missing

This

Where im alone

And in control

Ready to put alot of good into proper place

There are things that I know but cannot explain

There are things that I do not know, some of which id like to learn, others that I dont

alot goes into this. And its not up to me to make sense of it

Quiet reflection though there has been so much that has been packed in

Try to slow it down to come back and pick up later

Picking it back up and holy cow I am so full of heart emotion and intention that I dont know what to do with it

[mindbleeds]

Notebooks found after flood 12/27/22

Focused on good steps

See how easily your mind can shift

Going from negative and questioning

To authentic sturdy positivity

It seems trivial at times, when really its just a misconception of the value in being/keeping simplicity

A bit past three and there is nobody around. A little fucked up, here silence is the loudest sound. Becoming better and making changes. A bit distraught I am just filling up these lines on these pages. Repeating how im not good enough for him. A sea of thoughts that I am drowingng in. If I told you that things get better then Id be lying. Dont know how to make this all right again, but im trying. When the breeze picks up, I hope to drift away. And when the pain sets in, I hope you choose to stay

Tonight I wont sleep. Keep me awake in your dreams. Tomorrow might give reason as to what this all means. For now, this porch is a santuary. And one more sleepless night reinstills my obscure sanity

Here I stand, commencing a peaceful celebration at the edge of this continent. It happens every single morning and night. 

Mother Nature provides us with moments to remain in

Filled with music, lights, and entertain ment

All we have to do is be present

Give back to her the gift of whole hearted embracement

See the natural beauty of all of earths creations

Surrounding you

And find

Youre one of them as well

We stood at the edge of what we had imagined forever might feel like

We found shelther in a cave where darkness and the cold became our home. We came to love it and came to know what the other on of us was

I couldnt hold these words for you any longer

They all held remnants of so many honeysuckle sunsets

That led to nights of staying up far too late

I thought you werent meant to say things like “sleep well babe” to people that didnt matter

But you do

You did

And so I did

And now all thats left are all of these heavy baskets I was forced to bring in off from the front porch

Sheilding them from getting wet and potentially smearing

In case you might need something from them again

But I need to give them back today

Got to let them go and weave a new basket

All these baskets that are filled with left over remnants of honeysuckle sunsets and pine needle nights

On a foggy beach, misty afternoon. The empty shore goes further than my eyes can see. Footprints from the early risers on their morning beach-jogs. Riddled with craters from heavy raindrops hitting. The ocean is a deeper navy than im used to seeing and its extra foamy. As it washes up it leaves little trinkets along the coast for beach goers to collect and give to loved ones. I come across a shell thats perfectly unweathered. I hold it in my palm for a minute and admire its natural beauty then I toss it back into the ocean and I make a wish

Barefooted where the water washes up and over my unpainted toenails of my tatted foot. Its picturesque the way that I sink in deeper with each rise and drift of the tide. For such a chillu early spring day the water is warm. On the horizon cargo ships move along. I always wonder what they are carrying and where its going to. I wonder if people think the same things as I do. A few people pass by, they simple and I smile too. 

I move a little ways from the water and up onto a lifeguard tower. From here I can see the city through the fog. I stay here for a while until I remember my peace. Long enough for the mist to go away and for teh gaurds to tell me Ive got to go. I breathe in the salty air. And draw a picture in the sand. Wash mu feet before I get to the parking lot, and into my car. A quiet drive back to shleter and my bed. Tonight I will rest easy. Thanks to the ocean once again

Greedy eyes better look away. See how they long to step inside my mind without an invitation and I cant break from the state of flux im in where I am drowning out all distractions and building up this creative vision

Grateful just to be livin unlimited and elevated. Forming word clusters resonating with my soul of an indigo hue vibrating higher feel what I can do

Laying it down. Countless times. Consider this a refresher

Let the beauty come pouring out. Long enough it has been running through my veins. Undneath all this pain a sparkle remained in both of my eyes on the most unexpected of days, it became known again. It was that little bit of magic that kept me and still keeps me going. 

To know that in the midst of everything, magic can happen, wounds heal, grace saves, and it is possible for something liek you to search so deep within yourself- not to find any sort of answer but to discover further and more in depth who you are and what you are here to bring to the world. So that in everything you do it is eveyrhitng you are. And you do it so humbly even angels admire it. You are waking up into something more

Connected surpassing all the times I felt neglected

You’re here, right?

Say you rage so hard, right?

Time to put that mentality to the test

Im the neutral party here

Youre the one who’s working the show

Im living and listening

Gotta vent? Get it out

Trying to just shove it all on me? Cut that shit now

Look twice

But dont question even once

Actually really living without regrets

Giving zero fucks, actually

Few are capable of handling me

My ppl know when to leave it alone

And I give it back ten fold their direction

See I show up

Not only for you regularly

But also for me

Selfish

But look how I radiate

Sit back and question

How could I do it any other way

Than this one

This right here counts

Real is what matters

Theyll turn to view the artist

Find goodness and beauty along the way

Seeking it out 

On display 

In a gloomy distraught place

New creators will find their voices

Visionaries will be forced to adjust in the shift

Into alignment with natures message

Theyll be the ones who interpret it

This is what we need

To feel lonely, overwhelmed

Totally clueless about what will happen

For somewhere in that. Fear and desparation

We are bound to discover a newfound hope

So feel what youre feeling

Stay plugged in

Take breaks and remember to

Breathe

I know we will get to a better tomorrow eventually

Rest now

Take it one day at a time 

Sure, youre inside

But are you going to look outside of yourself or go and lock the front door

Look out your window and feel lucky enough to have shelter?

Will it all go back to normal like ti was or is this our chance to redefine normal”? Will you let the anxieties of being completely not in control define and dictace your days or can you pause to know every person is feeling thatanxiety to varying degrees? Wake up to the goodness buried in there

(About 2020)

Sit down take a secodn feel the ground take a breath in and hold it still 1 2 3 4 now let it out

Its a mystery whats left to come thats why I love it

I let myself fall deeply into some of the most unassuming moments

Wouldnt call it something beautiful but theres something great about it

It doesnt happen on purpose

Its only real to me when it unintentionally happens

Force makes it feel fake

This is the push of the universe. Im reciebing gifts I dont deserve

Writing about what im feeling is probably good

Putting it into words- I tend to jump and overanalyze/. Theres a pandemic happening and somehow I dont feel all that panicked- its odd but this isnt about me

Speak only when its time to say checkmate

Write in silence

Gotta let me

E s c a p e 

Into that void

This empty space

No time

Total lack of linear structure

Where I find

Whats incomprehendable to a simple mind

All I know is that this one thing right here

See,

This

Is 

Mine

She does the work and does whats right. Reads up on Jesus to celebrate easter with her family respectfully though to the norm (nam?) she respectfully declines. heartwarmth she is the buddha in the studio. 

Run it. Make me ratchet. Make it crave it till I ask please can I have it

He settles for what he can take

All that he makes

Gets swept away

Hes always running towards heartbreak

Cause its his own

Hes out to shake

She wants so badly to let him in

Hes wearing thing

Her chest caves in

And so does his

One final leap

Today begins

Sunlight

Golden beams hit my body 

Shadows on my ribs

Craters and waves

The ocean, my soft skin

When its broken down be motivated by the sounds - like how when it stops in the surroundings- still we create- loud

Containment makes it worse

Theyre like “do this”

Meanwhile im trying to explain how hard it is to write relevantly but how easy it is to write about a bathroom door

Indeed

Now that Ive found him there is no sense In making myself be grounded

Know that when its forever

It just keeps getting better

I tried to wrap my head around coincidenece

Couldnt make sense of it

Then I met him

The calm of letting things go

Breathing, feeling, living and feeling whole on my own

Its all because he found me

So many weights disappeared and were lifted

I sort of always knew that Im gifted

Searching for that gifts purpose

Could I return it? 

Give it back to the betterment of whatever is left thats still good?

When I come back

I reiterate

It isnt over yet

Matter of face

This is only jsut the start

Soo ill take on my role

Quite literally play my part

Selfish as it seems from your perspective

This is always for you

Not me

Drip

Drift

Descend

Fall 

In

To

Fade away into Neverland

Wild dreams that speak

Are filtered

Outrageous thoughts

Deemed too controversial

Well im craving an uproar

Desiring the upside down 

Pray that we lose all sense of normal

To be forced into a new right side up

Maybe then 

People change

Maybe then

Weve still got a fighting chance

To make this a better place

When its my turn to speak

Listen from a “all the past is erased” point of view

Im here to say

We can make it happen

Youve got to be with me the whole way

Is the ceiling caving in or is it exploding?

Feeling weightless yet grounded in the moment

I lost track of all the days last week

I think

That Ive got no clue what im even really thinking

But when im just feeling like this

It feels so right to just go with it

I move

Are you with me

Pray you dont ever forget

Its me who is in charge 

Of the pace of this

The ebbs and flows

The waves youve been riding

Thats all me

Always will be

Always has been

There is no next step

There is only here

There is only now

Just this moment

To take up residency in

At a table

Surrounded by a bunch of tall grass

And weeds

The light is shining down, you can see it really clearly

The river thats ahead is canopied by trees and the birds on all the wispy branches are out there singing the songs that they sing

I am intricately interwoven 

Into this tapestry of life

Some days I know exactly what I am doing and where I am going

Other days I have absolutely no ideas

This does not slow me down becasue I trust the process of it all

I carry a sack full of goals and ambitions with me. I dream alot. Visions are what I feel I can hold onto. They get clearer the more time I devote to developing them. The more I alloow myself to jsut be, the more abundant they/it becomes. The more that I surrender to the wild excitement that comes along with living, the happier and calmer I become. I am opening myself up to more movement with no real expectation fo what that might lead me to. I am worthy of this journey. I am here

I am willing

And I am always ready to take on whatever life hands me

The smell of the river mixed with bug spray

The red cardinal waiting for me patiently at the front door

Calm and at ease

Pleasant

My head rests on my knee

A fresh start

Still it sort of seems the same

Im learning the value in that

How to not just shy away

How to allow

Take in

Hold on

Feel

Impact

Let go

Release

Reverberate within the atmosphere

Its sort of smelly here

Then again, so am I 

My god its been a while since Ive been able to just sit back and relax 

Like we used to do back when we still felt like kids

Feels like ages since back then, hard to believe how much weve grown

But im so glad that we grew the way we have

I know that nothing can erase the past

No substnace is gonna change what is fact

Im okay with all of that

I wont ever deny whats true or withold any of the details of my story and struggle

I stand by saying all I did had to be done 

I feel like I might be capable of getting this message through and across

You cannot blame yourself for being guarded. 

Closing off

For protecting your once-soft heart that over time was hardened

I know its hard, that people can be mean

They can backstab and betray you. I  know its easier to just get up and walk away than it is to wait around for someone when youve become so accustomed to how they all leave. I cant promise you that everyday will be sprinkled with magic and glitter but I can tell you that one day, the right ones will come along, and youll know theyre the right ones to come because they are the ones who will stay.

Proud of how you have fought to not push them away

[mindbleeds]

“When they took everything from you, you found a way to make something from nothing.”

— Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows

[mindbleeds]

㋡🥀

Magical forest..

[mindbleeds]

Stingaree Sunset.  By jordanrobins

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[mindbleeds]

for all those times i thought about doing that one thing but i didn’t- it feels so good to have made that decision, feels like i’m constantly overthinking but i know better than i did back then. now i know that i can make a difference. also, i know that this might not make anything different. and over time, ive grown tired, of trying. so i won’t say that i’m trying right here in this instance.

delicate is the best word to describe it even though in that step that i take back i’m somewhat taken aback and can see all of the wreckage that has come with it on the way.

so i am changed

as i continue on changing things

and i’m not even trying

we need a new word for “try” or for whatever this is