mindbogggled

[mindbogggled]

this is a disgrace to poetry... sry literature gods-- no literary devices here

Ate me up, spit me out, left me disappointed

Not that I knew deep down I would always be disappointed, always disatisfied. Regardless of the number of times I brought that up during our timeless conversations, or even the way I brought it up, you’d never do anything about it. Not anything noticable, at least.

At some point, everything stopped working, I couldn’t hold myself together and I wanted, so desperately to hold us together. I thought, if I could hold us together, I would be satisfied and happy because I had you. I held us together while I broke lose. 

I suffocated on every word you said, a different kind of pain I never thought I’d feel at such an early point of my life. 

If that night turned out differently, maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way it did. Maybe, we’d be watching the sunset together every other weekend. 

I’m cautious, I always have been. But after you, I don’t think I will ever be lovable or capable of loving someone else at my upmost capacity. It will take years for me to ever look at someone the same way I did at you. 

So I guess the nights where I shared with you all the things that broke me didn’t stick, did it? You just couldn’t do better for me, could you? 

I just can’t ever win with you, can I?

You could never shelf your agenda, and I wish I lost the memories that made you so perfect in my head. Now I think of that night and I realise how inevitable it was, that I left. 

[mindbogggled]

damn i was rly emo when i wrote this wtf

keep your eyes off me. giving me even the slightest amount of hope is your biggest crime yet. and i bet its your favourite crime too. how can someone be so cruel, so blissfully unaware of the pain they’re causing? can you not see the tears i’m holding back? can you not feel my heart break? the shattered pieces on the ground you walk on? i was your favourite once, you say i’m your number 1 and tell another girl the same thing. claimed that my worthlessness was due to my inconsistency. when you, too, are inconsistent in your affections.  i’m your favourite right? then prove it. we all know you only love the ones that make you feel loved. i know i’m more boring than the rest. i know books and poetry aren’t your thing. i swear, scouts honour, i was willing to drop all of it, if it meant that i had you. and let’s be real, i would never be the hero in your books. whatever i did, you barely glanced. your hands on your lap while the crowd clapped. even if i was the best of the best, i would never be good enough for you. you’d say it was undeserved, that i cheated. i’d be the last person you thought would win. i can be the same as the ones you love, i can only show the version of me you’d want & love.

but even if i was an exact copy, i still wouldn’t be your first choice.

[mindbogggled]

i wouldnt wish death for anyone

you are my biggest liability. i need you to hear that and i need to see your heart break. i need to break you, because you’ve broken everything i’ve ever had, you’ve broken me. i am no longer the same happy girl anymore. honestly, i don’t think i was ever happy at all in the first place.

you’ve robbed me of my youth and innocence. you’ve killed all my passion for the things that make me, me. you’ve given me no reason to hope for anything good. you’ve made my suffering about you, every single time.

and i want you to pay. i want you to hurt. i’ll make sure no one sees you at your death bed, because i want you to feel as if no one loves you the moment you take your last breath. guess what? i feel like that all the time. you’ve made home feel cold.

[mindbogggled]

my saviour complex

i want to save people. i want to make them happy. i want to fix them. i want them to know that they're loved. and its not because of pity. its because ive been there before. i know it hurts. i know how much it hurts. i know it feels unfair.

but i can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. i can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved. i can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

and honestly, its not my job to fix something that i didn't break, especially when i'm breaking apart too.

[mindbogggled]

objectification

"u can have him", "mine", "yours", "2 guys fighting over 1 girl, lets see, who will win her heart?"

maybe u can stop treating her like a prize to be won and start treating her like an actual person... with feelings... with a life... with ambitions and dreams? maybe instead of seeing her as something to own like a creepy mafia alpha, u could instead just get to know her as person? maybe instead of treating her like property, u could instead just treat her like a person? like a normal human being?

what scares me a lot is the fact that a lot of men (& women) talk about the other sex as if theyre js objects and not people with feelings and stories. what makes this even worser is when they can't see past the superficiality of it all, only making these girls/boys meaningful with merely a surface level analysis. "girl X? daddy issues, dont date." "boy A? ugly, dont date."

thats a damn shame. because humans are multifaceted and complex. nobody deserves a surface level analysis.

[mindbogggled]

u hypocrite

u're hurting and u're in pain and i get it. i've been there. but don't lead me on. don't give me mixed signals. don't give me any reason to believe that we can be something. and u can blame me for that, u can argue that its my choice to feed into my own delusions.

the part that really sucks is that u're treating me like how she treated u, can't u see that?

[mindbogggled]

uh

pls go fuck urself. talking as if i asked for ur opinion when u look like ur hair got eaten, digested & shat out from a dog & ur skin looking like sandpaper. ur gf deserves better. yes i got a problem w u. making ur fixie ur whole personality trait doesn’t make u likable.

[mindbogggled]

vulnerability in materialism

why r u ppl so materialistic. do u need to make it known to the whole world that you actually have friends & have a social life. instead of showing off to people that you have a life, maybe focus on nurturing the relationships u hv in ur life? ITS OKAY to not know the latest trends, to not have things that everyone else has. to not look like the conventionally attractive singaporean at the age of 16. for the love of all things GOOD embrace the fact that we’re not adults yet. there are people out there who love you regardless of whether u have a big smiski collection or u have 10000 friends or u have imperfections. there are people out there who don’t boil you down to your insecurities. there are people out there who know you are more than what you are on the outside. people who are sensible enough to look beyond the things presented to them. and for the people at sec 3 camp who CAN’T EVEN walk on mud because u’re so used to ur luxury condo u still piss me off till today.

[mindbogggled]

ironyironyirony

you ARE NOT mature if you keep calling yourself mature. ure 15 la pls… 18 y/os dont even dare to call themselves mature. u’re acting as if u’re better than me js bcs u’re mature… js bcs u went thru trauma, it doesn’t make u special & it doesn’t make u mature. by saying that, im not saying that ur trauma is invalid. im saying that it’s not okay for u to use it as proof that u’re mature. being mature at 15 is just sad. other ppl also hv trauma but u don’t see themselves bragging as if their trauma gives them a right to call themselves mature, right? there is a difference between a praise & a compliment. stop taking every single compliment/praise from an adult telling u u’re mature as a confirmation that u’re actually mature. if u had eyes & a brain, they’re js saying that because they want u to feel better about ur situation & urself. don’t make ur entire personality around that one compliment that one adult gave you. ok fine, u accepted the compliment/praise but the fact that u ingrained it in ur brain & used it as an ego boost is js shows how much influence adults hv on u. ok, i get it, our dad sucks & u hv daddy issues… but u’re mature right? u won’t let ur adults influence how u see urself right? 😁😁 uk its fine to be immature right… u’re 15…. some adults wld kill to be 15 again

[mindbogggled]

u wanted closure? ok

say u want me back & u miss me or wtv then u proceed to say that i’m ugly or what not. like make up ur mind fam… u don’t even know the difference between past & pass… u use “autistic” as an insult & u think i’m responsible for ur happiness. man up bruh. “i cannot stop thinking about how perfect my life was when i was in that rs” pls la. u don’t even know who i am.. u don’t even know what i like. u don’t even know what i want. what nonsense. worse of all, u didn’t even bother to get to know me & u claim that u love me. u didn’t even try to ask me what i wanted or what i liked. i had to hint it to u/tell u myself. u don’t care abt how i feel at all, u only care when our r/s was at stake bcs what genuinely made u happy wasn’t if i was in the same room as u, it was the fact that i was in a r/s w u. get it through ur dense brain that things are more complex than that. and stop telling people that u love me. i had a panic attack & all u cared abt was ranting abt the fact that ur parents called u out on wearing headphones when visiting some1 else’s house. u ghosted me when i got “hard to deal with” when i told u that i hate it when ppl ghost me. u knew it wld hurt me & u still did it. u had the audacity to come back & tell me “how was your LC paper?” as if nthg happened. and when i called u out on it, u ghosted me again. its obv that ur definition of love is superficial & surface-level… if u think love is simply doing couple tiktoks, cuddling, going on dates & being known as gf/bf… i’m sorry i’m not the girl for you. wah shit then got some other pick me hitting on u & u can’t even tell. how clueless can u get… u don’t get to feel sad & upset abt us ending when u were the one who fell short. u don’t get to go around & air our dirty laundy online or offline. u don’t get to talk about me when u mistreated me. u don’t get to judge me for moving on. u don’t get a say in how i choose to deal w our breakup.

[mindbogggled]

u & ur stupid saviour complex

i don’t know why u’re so desperate to be a hero. to desire to be needed. is that what u want? to be important?

i mean seriously… do u enjoy the idea of me being in danger? so that u can save me? does the hero deserve more attention and love and care than the victim? do i mean nothing to u except a person to save? do u hate me that much?

i can save myself, maybe thats js my ego talking. but u trying to save ppl puts us all in danger.

here u r talking abt sacrifice… “u shld learn to sacrifice one day.” what is there to sacrifice when i’ve already sacrificed everything? my sanity… my happiness… stability? i’ve done it already. i know u can see it, but whether u acknowledge it is something i wish i could have an opinion on.

if u acknowledged that i have already sacrifice my ENTIRE LIFE, my WHOLE BEING to keeping OUR family together, u’d sit with the realisation that u suck at parenting. that u have failed at being a father, the very thing u pride urself on!

can’t i js be selfish js this once? do i have to ask for permission to make a mistake? yes, i know i’m making a mistake, i don’t know the gravity of the consequences that come with making that mistake so how can i decide how much of a mistake that i’m making? u can’t expect me to grow if u don’t let me kill myself trying first.. let me feel the pain, let me fall, i’ve never had a soft pillow to fall on so don’t try to give it to me now.

i am not going to rely on u anymore. when i don’t have to anymore, i won’t go to u anymore. i won’t need u anymore. u won’t be important anymore.

u r the devil’s incarnate, the furthest thing from a hero. i can barely find a reason to have any sympathy for u.

and no, it’s not my job to justify ur actions to myself or to EXCUSE YOU FOR YOUR SHITTY PARENTING. NOW I HAVE TO FIX EVERYTHING YOU BROKE. NOW ITS MY PROBLEM. BECAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A SHITTY PERSON YOU CAN’T EVEN TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE WHAT THE FUCK

not only did u break me, YOU’VE BROKEN EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU. YOU’VE MANAGED TO ALIENATE ALMOST EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE. AND NOW I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO STEP UP. I. ALWAYS. HAVE. TO. BE. THE. ONE. TO. STEP. UP.

why am i doing ur job? stupid hero.

[mindbogggled]

failure & it’s many flaws

it’s sad that our world has molded us to believe that one grade is all or nothing. you can’t blame a girl for crying over it when that is how our system is specifically curated to encapsulate.

“she better not fail again, she’s already done it before”. “if i fail then the people’s opinion of me win, i’m a weak & mentally incapable of doing this. i am not good enough”. “it’s our last lap and she’s still not taking this seriously.”

you’re right, it is either this or nothing. that’s what has been ingrained into our minds as early as when we were 6. if you’re not good at something, you are worthless. you do not have value. you are talentless and nobody will ever love you. you are not worthy of praise, admiration or love. but whether you need that in the first place is another conversation to have.

our system awards people based on merit. but merit is not progress. merit is perfection. that is why people have this mindset. it’s either an A or an absolute failure.

the truth is, you are worth it. you are valuable. you have talent, you have depth, you have meaning. you are a human being, you are complex, multi-faceted and worthy of love. you do not have to earn it. it is okay. i don’t need to prove it. you are more than enough.

and please stop criticising people for the simplest things such as not getting an A, i’m so sick of it. we have other more pressing issues to care about.

i think it’s just baffling how much our lives are centered on these exams.

[mindbogggled]

why am i so easily misunderstood

am i that complex? why do i have to go to the ends of the earth to finally make u understand me. why must i create a whole google document telling you that i don’t like you & justify that.

[mindbogggled]

i h8 menKIND

i can’t believe i have to cover up js because u ppl can’t keep it in ur pants. and its my fault because “i’m asking for it”. why don’t u start developing some self-control & stop objectifying US. it’s not MY fault that you CHOOSE to look at me in that way. i’m not licking my lips or thinking about eating you out when i see you half naked having ur daily jog, am i? then why can’t u stop STARING at girls who are just expressing themselves through what they wear. “oh it’s just their hormones” so we’re blaming it on hormones now? so these MEN can just get away with being angry & violent while I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND TAKE IT SILENTLY BECAUSE IF NOT THEN IT MEANS IM BEING DISOBEDIENT? fragile masculinity at its finest FUCK YOU & fuck the rest of u who are defending these idiots who are getting away with it. YOU are part of the problem. nobody should be considerate in a situation where they are not considered.

[mindbogggled]

biggest fuck u

"rate me!" "what disney princess do i remind u of?" what??? why are you asking me to DEFINE YOU OR YOUR WORTH. fuck this... YOU know who you are. do you want my validation to validate the fact that you view yourself as a god-like figure? narcisstic FUCKS

[mindbogggled]

ure a goner

with a massive boner who u decided that it was a good idea to make a girl younger than you to suck it off. and you didn't even apologise. AND YOU STILL SEE HER?

[mindbogggled]

with a girl like me

i don't like boasting or talking abt maturity because i'm not even fully matured yet. being with a boy like u was boring and it was my biggest setback yet!!!!! dua lipa wasn't kidding when she said one kiss is all it takes. i keep feeling like the only one having an actual brain was me. why?????????? you act like you know politics, you don't care about social issues and you don't care about your future-- i don't mean that in a good way. you don't care about my interests when i put in the effort to care about yours!!!!! you don't understand who i am as a person. i don't have what it takes to be with you and you don't have what it takes to be with a girl like me!