minddumped

[minddumped]

Journal #4 - Summer

I forgot I made this journal. Whoops. I'd like to utilize it more often and may set a phone reminder to sit down for 10 minutes and jot down thoughts everyday.

We've been in Tennessee for a few months now. Things are back to normal-ish. I'm working a piddly job, hanging out with the kids and looking forward to some things that are on the horizon later in the summer and fall.

We have been committed to having more life experiences as a family. The kids have been attending Tennis lessons for the past week or two and later in the summer they'll be heading to Girl Scout camp for about a week. We've been light on the life activities since the pandemic and are trying to make up for it. My oldest has started learning to ride a bike (very early steps.) I blame myself for not teaching the kids this pivotal childhood rite sooner but with working a full-time, laborious job for years, it always fell by the wayside. She's 10 and is just now giving it an honest attempt. I'm not proud of that. I feel like I've been trying to make up for the time I spent glazed over while sitting no the couch after a day of work. Alas, I've still got work to do.

Once the girls get back from their camp, my wife and I are taking them camping up in the Smoky Mountains. My wife has spent many a night at a campsite throughout her adolescence but I was never one who enjoyed the great outdoors. Until recently...

I appreciate my wife's Grammy for inviting us out for an afternoon at her campsite a few weekends ago. I was certainly hesitant to go at first; mostly due to the horrors I endured as a kid who had severe allergic reactions to poison ivy, oak, sumac, etc... But once we stepped out of the car and heard the water rushing through the rocks in the steam, felt the cooler air the mountain provided, to then finding myself lazing in the shade reading a new book without the constant distraction from electronics was so refreshing... it became clear. This is where I wanted to be, where I wanted to spend all of my time. So now we're gearing up for our own excursion later in July.

I'll be sure to update. Perhaps in future posts I'll go into the other stuff coming up in the fall. Lots of fun to be had.

I guess we'll see...

Mind Dumped

[minddumped]

Journal Entry #3

[minddumped]

Journal Entry #3

I still haven't read a single page of the book I purchased on Monday. Starting to wonder if I will at all. Dumped.

The Bad Plus has been the soundtrack for this entry and prior entries as well. Their music is serene and chaotic. The calm and the storm.

I was turned on to The Bad Plus when I was in high school by my sister's boyfriend at the time. He was a band kid; percussion when marching, bass guitar in the jazz band. He coveted bands who were different and mostly unknown. The first time he played The Bad Plus for me, I didn't get it. It was just noise. The drummer spasming away at his kit and the pianist was crushing keys at his own pace... it wasn't for me. Until it was. I remember giving their album "These Are The Vistas" an honest effort and during the song Heart of Glass it clicked for me. The entire song is a loud and hectic jazz interpretation of the Blondie classic, up until the end. With about a minute left in the song the trio comes together to play this wonderfully splendid, upbeat and jazzy version of what they had been playing so sporadically just moments before. It was then I found the beauty in what had come before the ending. To me it was like all the painful shit you were dealing with, the depressing thoughts, the psychotic breaks, etc... until you finally reached a point of euphoria, happiness or just sanity. Whether or not they meant it in that way is a mystery but that's how I interpreted it.

Over 15 years later and I still love their music. It helps me focus. No words, just music. Thanks, Steven.

Anyway, I went suit shopping again today. I'm thinking Tan suit, forest green tie. I wish Erica was here to help me decided. I'm so indecisive it drives me up a fucking wall.

More tomorrow?

Mind Dumped

[minddumped]

Journal Entry #2

I'm missing my wife and kids.

I'm back in Texas for my best friends wedding. I'm his best man and I consider it a great honor and one I wouldn't miss. It's just now Tuesday evening and I've been gone since Thursday of last week. FaceTime calls to my wife and kids don't help. I'd say they make the absence more noticeable afterwards.

I've been watching a lot of TV while crashing at my friend's house. I bought a book and have yet to read a page. That's typical of me; I like the idea of reading but struggle when it comes to the execution. Oh well. I still have 2 more days until my wife arrives for the wedding so perhaps I'll read a page or two.

I decided to go to the movies this evening to see John Wick Chapter 4. While I found it incredibly fun, action-packed and a quintessetial big screen flick, I left somewhat dissatisfied by the conclusion of the series. Who knows... maybe they have something up their sleeves and will make another one day.

Tomorrow I plan on finding a suit for the wedding this weekend. I looked around at some shops today but left empty handed. I'm out of my depth buying a suit or dress clothes.

Waiting for Friday.

Mind Dumped

[minddumped]

Journaling

I'm not miserable, but I'm not happy. I'm in this weird in-between.

I'm grateful for my wife, my kids, parents, sister and my wife's family. My wonderful wife... Through what has been one of the most tumultuous times in my life (1st world problems for sure), my wife has been incredibly supportive and I could not ask for a better partner. With any luck I'll be starting school soon to become a teacher. It's something that I've always thought fit my strengths but always seemed so far out of reach. This thought usually occurred because I assumed that between raising a family, climbing the corporate ladder at work and still having time for myself left no room for my education. I've tried in the past but I always ended up feeling stretched too thin. However, circumstances have changed. Last year I was laid off from my job and I have my life back. I've got nothing but time and I feel motivated for the first time in a long time.

We moved back to Tennessee about 2 months ago after about 4 years in Dallas, Texas and towards the end of our time there it became a drag. The traffic is insane; there are far too many people in the area and made common trips to the grocery store unbearable. Losing my job left me jaded, warped and made me want to escape the area. I felt ashamed even though it was all out of my control. I spent years trying to establish a career for myself that I could be satisfied with both in substance and financially. I didn't fail financially but failed on the substance. My job left me void of feeling and felt trivial. Nonetheless, the experience we've gained will forever be valuable and I'm very appreciative for the life I've been able to provide my kids. Now It's put me on a path that I wouldn't know existed if things had gone any other way.

Mind Dumped