mindthejay

[mindthejay]

I'm at a point in my life where I choose to be silent, no longer arguing over trivial matters. If people want to be right, I'll let them be. Down the road they will realize the flaws in their ways. I'll focus on things that will get me to where I want to be in life. It doesn't matter what people might think, people will always have something to say anyway. Sure I'll have emotions over things, but not letting things dwell is something I've been quietly learning.

[mindthejay]

My current struggles remind me of the time when my youth leader who at the time was busy with other matters with his life, gave me a task to spearhead the creation of a big white cross for a concert event. Mind you, I was 16 years old and the team I was given were also just teenagers who were busy with their own lives. So I really felt alone doing this task. I had no clue what materials to use and who to talk to in order for the cross to be built. When I was struggling to handle the task, my leader told me that I was going to be guided by another youth leader who I unfortunately forgot her name. (lol really sorry for that) She told me to talk to a carpenter so I can make a list of things to buy and have it built in a week and that I have to save the receipts so everything will be well recorded. When I bought all the materials including the fare, I was asked by the second youth leader to submit the receipts, but surprise surprise! I misplaced the receipts! My heart dropped when I couldn't submit the receipts on time. The leader said it's alright, but I need to look for it immediately.

And and on top of that, I felt so alone and stressed doing this task because my team can't come on time, I hired a carpenter a few days before the deadline which meant WE WERE BEHIND SCHEDULE, and I can't even get the proper support from my main youth leader. It was a messy week! But just like a movie, on the last day before the big event, my team came on time, some church staff pitched in to help with building the cross. It was different from what I've "planned" (if there was any organized planned at all) we still made it on time. Later that day, After I turned my house upside down I found out that I placed the receipts inside my bible. My goodness why didn't I (mr.forgetful) thought of looking for the receipts in my bible. (Plot hole fixed lol)

It was both satisfying and stressful to say the least. They say that in the heat of the moment, your true self reveals. And it did show me panicking in front of my team, looking like I had no faith in Jesus, because I am not used to being the leader. Which reminded me that I won't always be a follower, one day I will lead. And that day did come, I took a step back from all the stress and anxiety the cross caused me, but was following Jesus ever easy? Absolutely not. He said, If you want to follow me, forget yourself, take up your cross and follow me. That verse echoed throughout my mind and heart, because it truly is hard to forget ourselves for the sake of following Jesus. Our efforts were in vain if not for Jesus. So in this season of trial, I put my trust in Him. Greater is He who is me, than he that is in this world. I could tell you how many times I wanted to end it all, how miserable that past weeks have been, and how many times cried my heart out, but I want to tell you that Jesus is real. I asked Him to be real in my life, and so He did. But God is not a genie that if I won't get what I want, then I won't believe in Him. No. He is very real, but His timing, His ways, His thoughts, are higher than mine. I put my trust in You.

And to the few who still believe in me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless you all.

[mindthejay]

Lord I have been struggling and wrestling with my flesh and mind. It weighs heavy on my heart. I feel like my head is going to explode from all of this overthinking and stress. Because of dentistry I keep losing my mind. Lord when I felt like I wanted to take this life, you remind me why I should push on. Lord I've been called weak and soft, but because I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong. Lord give me strength to face everything life throws at me. Be my peace in my storms.

People won't understand me, but You do.

[mindthejay]

Misery follows the man that chases the appeal of the flesh. There is no peace in the desires of this body, nor is there true peace given by this world. Blessed is the man who's Lord is God for he who remains in Him will not perish, but have eternal life.

[mindthejay]

Have your way in me

24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wants to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and be following Me. 25 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it. But whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. 26 For what will a person be profited if he gains the whole world, but forfeits his life? Or what will a person give in-exchange-for his life?

Matthew 16:24-26

Lord, in the process of getting my title as a Dentist, most of the time I forget to forget myself. I get lost in my ways. I want to follow you, but my thoughts and my heart pull me down. It is true that when coming close to you, you clean us from the things that are not from you which causes us to mistake it as a painful strike from you, because we are so used to what we love, but in reality we should let go of the things that has a seat on our heart's throne and make way for you Lord. I always forget to ask myself "will this action glorify you?"

Have your way in me Lord, for my ways and my thoughts are worthless efforts when you're not included.

[mindthejay]

I am a man that keeps wondering "Father why am I like this?" it's frustrating to be myself

[mindthejay]

This is my solitude, my place of whispers, my shade under the sun.

[mindthejay]

I will always put on a mask, I'm never going to show my truest self to anyone. Not even my parents, not even to my closest friends. I feel like my truest self is only known by God. I will forever hide myself underneath this mask and nothing will change it.

[mindthejay]

My thoughts aren't always right, but trust me when I say that at the end of the day, I hate myself the most. I know what's wrong with me that's why I hate myself, but this isn't a way for me to garner pity from anyone. I acknowledge that I am weak and that I have a lot of flaws and if you hate me too then welcome to the club.

[mindthejay]

We Miss You All

I remember back in Highschool there used to be 10 of us, 6 boys and 4 girls, 2 of them A and Y who were bestfriends (let's just call them this for the sake of the story) they were the class clowns, and always had loud laughter that you can hear from down the hallway and always wore big smiles. They were always happy and had witty jokes to lighten up the mood whenever we were bored or under the weather. Graduation came and we had the best day of our lives, aiming high and dreaming big. Then after the celebration, we went our separate ways. 5 years later, one of my bestfriends in HS who seldom message me- J, told me that A had passed away due to a lung complication, but his passing was not due to covid, this was in 2020 and happened during Covid, restrictions were tight, that's why I couldn't see him one last time. Y was devastated when she found out that her bestfriend passed away, I knew she'd take it the hardest because they were like brother and sister, totally inseparable. Then 3 years later, again my bestfriend J from HS messaged me that Y had passed away leaving her children and family devastated in the wake of her passing. The news doesn't end there though, on the same day J told me that the mother of one of my bestfriends, also from HS- C, passed away. His mother was our Values teacher and she was a lovely lady who had a huge faith in God, sadly she passed away due to health complications. This time I had the opportunity to go to both of their funerals. As J, C, and I sat there remembering the great times and epic fails we had during HS. We couldn't help but feel the weight of the passing of our friends and family, C's true emotions showed up and he felt so helpless and hopeless. Both J and I tried to lighten up the mood and gave a couple encouraging words, but I knew it wasn't enough to cover the huge gap in C's heart. We said our goodbyes to C and went straight for Y's funeral. Again, the atmosphere was heavy and J and I didn't know everyone there except for Y's mother, we sat there and tried to recall every silly thing Y has ever done during our HS days, and we also talked about how she was there for J when times were tough. I on the otherhand, never saw Y since our HS graduation, so it was really heart breaking. Death is the end of our flesh, but it is also the beginning of our eternity. Death is the reminder that life is fleeting so you should make things count in this life. Our class always wanted to have a reunion, but this isn't the reunion we had hoped for. Losing someone special will always feel like a part of you is missing. God bless the souls of the departed and God bless the loved ones they left behind.

[mindthejay]

What really matters to me is that I follow Jesus, but I feel like my words and actions say otherwise. I wanna be a good servant yet everything right now is testing my patience. I guess you really can't be something you ask for immediately, it takes time, effort, and patience to be the man God wants me to be.

[mindthejay]

May 23, 2023 "Grow up" is a few words that will probably be forever in my head. It hurts not because she hates me for it, I know she wants what's good for me, but it hurts that I was wrong when I thought that I'm already mature. My whole body really shook and weakened when I read those words. It felt like my manhood took a huge hit because it was from the person I love.

I am a disgusting human, but I will break this habit. I'll do better.

[mindthejay]

What am I even doing with my life?

[mindthejay]

Another disappointing move, another reason to hate myself.

[mindthejay]

Update

I have given up the old baggage that I used to carry, I am less driven by my emotions, and I think before I say a word. I'm still fighting my way to get my license to become a Dentist, but I'm almost there! I can feel it. My girlfriend just started her 2nd day at a bank she's training at. I am so proud of her hustle especially her side hustle in another accounting company, it was a company she trained for while she was in OJT 1. Anyway, we're still fighting to reach our dreams, and God is always good for providing everything we need amidst our daily struggles.

[mindthejay]

I feel so hurt and heavy-hearted, but I'm not shedding a tear. Why is that? I used to be such a crybaby, but this is new. Anyway, there are a lot of things to consider in a relationship, but what I wanna focus on is tone, it's true that communication is important, but I think the way you deliver your message should also be considered. I was trying to convey something important to her, but I guess the way I said it sounded authoritative so she felt like I didn't think she was serious about our faith and now I'm getting the silent treatment. I already apologized, but she's still ignoring me. I'll let her feel what she feels right now, as for me, I'll be writing and reading things, just to take a step back from all this and absorb the lesson to be learned. What's the lesson? Well, it's communicating clearly to your partner and making sure you sound like you're speaking with love.

[mindthejay]

Natural Sinner

I built my walls and tear them down with the very hands I made them with. I am the hypocrite I hate, the bloody beast that wants more. I hate the other side of me with all my heart, there is no saving my flesh. You deceitful and lustful heart, you have led me astray. A fallen body with restless hands. Of dirt and grace, but living a defeated life.

I acknowledge that my body has fallen short so many times. I need a savior to save me from myself.