minedbodyandsoul

[minedbodyandsoul]

Surrender.

8.2.2018

Sooo... I knew these devotionals were going to hit a nerve for me every single time but sometimes I’m really shook when each day targets an aspect of my life that I’ve been struggling with. Today’s message was about SURRENDER.

Most of the people close to me know that I hate change and I struggle with giving things up. I am HUGE on consistency and when I realize that a lot of drastic changes are happening in my life, I start panicking and my brain lowkey shuts down because its trying to figure out how to make everything go back to normal. In my mind, the only solution to change is to do everything in my power to ensure the change doesn’t happen or only happens a little. I know, right? Doesn’t make sense at all.

“Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” -John 12:24-25

The following quote from today’s devotional hit me like a ton of bricks: 

“Something has to die in order for something new to live.”

It sucks to say but thats just the way the world works and its something I’ve had to come to terms with. It took me way too long to realize that I wouldn’t gain anything new in my life if I couldn’t let go of old things--especially those that were toxic. Unfortunately, my logic was ‘why let it go when I can just fix it?’ which caused me so much stress, I literally made myself sick. 

I’m not even gonna lie, letting go is a hard thing to do. This week I finally let go of one of the longest relationships I’ve ever had and it was PAINFUL. But it had to be done in order for me to grow. I know it’ll take time but I’m slowly getting better, allowing myself to surrender all those behaviors, mindsets and even relationships to God and trust that He will provide exactly what I need in place of them. 

#QOTD: What can you begin to surrender today, knowing that surrender is a journey that leads to life-giving rest?

My pessimistic (I like to think of it as realistic) attitude: I’m trying to have a more positive outlook on life and situations I can’t control

Doubts: This falls in line with my attitude but I want to stop doubting myself and my abilities, as well as other people in my life

Old habits: Day by day I’m working on creating new habits and routines so that I drop old toxic ones.

P.S. I have the meanest headache right now and I have no idea why.

[minedbodyandsoul]

Always We Begin Again.

8.1.2018

It’s been a long 7 months. I thought I could keep up with posting but BOY was I wrong. I fell off the wagon, not only with this but literally in every aspect of my life. It took some crazy stuff happening to me to realize I needed to BEGIN AGAIN, in more ways than one.

I’m currently on a social media hiatus (today was Day 1) in order to limit the amount of distractions in my life. I like to call it a DIGITAL DETOX. Bruhhh, when I tell you... its hard. I keep looking at my phone to see if I have notifications but my ish is super dry. I get through by telling myself, it’ll be worth it in the long run. 

One of my top goals during this detox is to get back on track spiritually because I seriously thought God forgot about me for a second. The way my life was looking, you would’ve thought I was the personification of bad luck. I felt super lost. I mean I knew in the back of my mind that He was there but was He really? So I’ve started daily devotions AGAIN... and in order to make sure I keep up with them (and these posts), I’m dedicating a small section of each post to reflect on my devotional for the day. And so we begin...

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28

Today’s devotional fit perfectly in line with everything. It talked about how we as humans are so used to starting each day as a continuation of the others rather than treating new days as what they should be: the start of something new. Instead of focusing on what was done in the past, we should cherish the beginning space where it’s acceptable to be unsure of what’s to come and allow for a willingness to learn and grow on a daily basis.

The message shared was refreshing for me because I’ve been in this positions so many times before, wanting to start over but feeling as though multiple fresh starts would mean I’m consistently getting everything wrong. The mantra “Always We Begin Again” now set as my home screen, serves as MY constant reminder that it’s okay to fail (something I struggled to accept) and start new. The burden of failure took enough of a toll on me in the past but now I’m trusting that God will ease my mind each night and help me BEGIN AGAIN each morning.

#QOTD: Can you identify any areas of your life where you need to show yourself more grace or allow yourself to begin again?

My spiritual walk: I’ve started these devotionals in order to get in tune with God and myself

My self-care routine: I’m commiting to taking daily vitamins, working out (or doing yoga), and eating healthy foods

My academics: This upcoming semester I’ll be retaking 4 courses

P.S. I couldn’t let go of this one distraction (not social media related) and I’m curious to see how it affects me during this cleanse. 

[minedbodyandsoul]

Fighting Stronger.

1.8.2018

I went to bed early last night (early for me) and woke up even earlier this morning wanting to watch a good movie. I’m bad at keeping up with movies when they come out, so I have a list of movies that I choose from whenever I need to watch something. 

Today’s movie choice: Creed

Yessssss, I know. I’m like 2 years late–sue me. But, can I just say… THAT WAS SUCH A GREAT MOVIE, I’M SO MAD I JUST SAW IT. If you haven’t seen it, you, like my former self, are missing out!

Besides the fact that Michael B. Jordan is the epitome of Zaddy material (I was living VICARIOUSLY through my girl Tessa Thompson), I literally enjoyed every aspect of the film. Shoutout to the directors, producers, editors, cast, errrbody; that movie was amazing and I am READY for Creed II to drop in November.

So, I’m watching this movie, loving every moment of it and it gets to this running scene. Now, my boy Donnie has been running pretty much throughout the whole movie, but something was different. Ya’ll know the scene I’m talking ‘bout.

*IMPORTANT NOTE: Remember how I said I’m bad at keeping up with new movies?? Well, I’m bad at catching up on the oldies, too. It pains me to admit it but NO, I’ve never seen Rocky (I know, shame on me). This means at the time, I didn’t know this scene was paying homage to the iconic running scene from the 1976 classic. The whole movie was paying homage and I literally had no idea. Like, I kinda knew who Rocky was but… okay yes, I felt stupid.*

Back to the running scene. Bomb ass music starts playing in the background (free Meek!) and I’m watching this beautiful black man run through the streets of Philly, surrounded by these other beautiful black men on bikes and ATVs. Some would say it’s cause I’m dramatic but ya girl started cryinggg. Partly because I’m lonely–but actually because this scene was SO REAL. The music, the people, the culture. I’ve been to Philly and I’ve seen guys poppin’ wheelies; it’s scary as hell but fascinating at the same time. All I kept thinking during this scene was “I am so in love with black people, man. We’re so damn beautiful, yet we’re really out here fighting to be ourselves!″

That was obviously my favorite scene and most of the movie gave me “blackness is beautiful” vibes but my biggest takeaway from Creed was the concept of FIGHTING. Of course, it depicted the physical kind; we’re all familiar with that. But the fight I’m referring to is the kind many of us have yet to identify. And that is the challenge. Finding our fight, learning how to master it, and then beating it. That’s fighting smarter and fighting stronger. That...is how we win.

P.S. YA’LL. YA’LLLLLLLLL. BLACK PANTHER. IS COMING.

[minedbodyandsoul]

Three-Fifths.

1.6.2018

I am  my bones covered

        with the same muscle

        just darker skin

I am  my brain capable

        of the incapable

        just given the opportunity

I am  my spirit yearning

        to rise

        just needing some wings

I am  my person

        one mouth, one nose

        two arms, two legs, two ears

        one body

        one heart

I am  my person

        yet, to this day

        only three-fifths.

------------------------------------------------------

I wrote that poem on 4/20 of last year. No, I wasn’t high, smh. I was in my poetry class and the prompt was to write about anything. Usually, I would’ve had writer’s block but on this day, I had a lot to say. I can’t remember what happened but clearly I felt as though I was incomplete.

What I will never forget is the response I got after showing it to my (white) professor. I asked for his feedback, feeling confident in my work. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m no Maya Angelou but a girl should be confident, right? Right. Well, his facial expressions gave away his thoughts before he even said anything. As he opened his mouth, I mentally prepared myself for the BS.

To my surprise, he actually had some nice things to say. He thought it was powerful, beautifully written, blah blah blah, BUT. And there it was. Now, I’m sure ya’ll know the rest. He told me that although he got my point in referring to my person using “three-fifths” that I should consider different wording because the concept of three-fifths was NO LONGER RELEVANT. Yeah, you read that right.

In that moment, I created the most OD “angry black woman” scenario of me going off on him in my head, but of course it didn’t play out that way. Ya girl was tryna pull that A, so I just smiled, brushed off his comment, said thank you and walked away. After that day, I never really looked at the poem again. I never even named it. I’m glad I saved it though because now I have it for moments like this where I want to reflect. I chose “three-fifths” because thats how I was feeling at the moment (not only related to race): like a fraction of the people around me, like no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t match up. And here comes this WHITE, MALE professor, pretty much telling me that my feelings were invalid.

At the moment, that poem was my truth. I could pinpoint my strengths, yet there was always this constant reminder that something was holding me back. That mindset has been keeping me from my true potential for far too long and it sucks that it took a new year to acknowledge it. Nevertheless, I’m ready--to live my actual truth. I’m ready--to be whole. I’m ready... and I am hopeful that one day, you will be ready, too.

[minedbodyandsoul]

Personality Quiz.

1.5.2018

I’m late with the post, my bad! I was hella busy today. I think this is gonna be a fun one, though. I had no idea what to write about so I started thinking about all my favorite things. Then it came to me. PERSONALITY QUIZ.

Wait first, some basic info:

Name: Sarah Natannia Bennett

Age: 20

Favorite Color: Blue

Now, let’s goooo. 

What did you want to be when you where younger? For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Doctor, specifically, a Pediatrician. Watching Grey’s brings me back *cries*.

Pick your ideal prom date. Literally anyone who is taller than me in heels. That means you gotta be at least 5′11. I used to hate being the giant, man. I’m confident in my height now though. Bow down, peasants.

What’s your favorite food? Chicken. Everyone knows that. (I’ve considered going vegan at some point in my life but I ain’t ready for that much commitment yet.)

A fight breaks out. What do you do? CHILLLLL. Tbh, I’m probably the one yelling WORLDSTAR! But if it’s someone I know who’s fighting, then best believe somebody’s ponytail getting grabbed. (JK I’m a pacifist.)

What was your favorite after-school activity? In high school, sports were my life after school, every season I was running around someone’s gym or track… until I tore my ACL senior year (sad face). But yeah now, its sleep!

You can only use one social network for the rest of your life! What is it? This is hard cause I love my social media! I think I’m gonna go with Instagram though cause you can pretty much use it to do what all the other platforms do.

Who’s your dream celebrity interview? This probably sounds weird but I would love to interview Michael Jackson (RIP to a real one!) cause he seemed like such a sweet guy to talk to. And then after he would be able to teach me some dance moves. That was my childhood dream, honestly.

You have to choose one condiment to eat for the rest of your life. What is it? EASY. Honey mustard. I hate regular mustard and I hate ketchup. BBQ sauce is a close second fave. 

What is your biggest pet peeve? I absolutely despise when people chew loudly. I can deal with people who snore, maybe even people who drag their feet but if you chew loudly, YOU GOTTA GO.

Pick a Drinking Buddy. Whaaaat?? I don’t drink, I’m not 21… Buuuuuut, if I had to choose someone to stand next while THEY were drinking, I would choose my girl Meme LMAO.

Well, dassit! Now ya’ll know some stuff about my crazy behind.

P.S. This was actually fun to do. I’ll probably do one of these again.

[minedbodyandsoul]

Procrastination Station.

1.4.2018

As I started typing, a list of the crap ton of stuff I need to get done flashed across my brain.

One of the many things I struggle with is leaving tasks until the last minute, more commonly known as PROCRASTINATION. It has recently (the past two and a half years is recent right??) become a bad habit of mine and I’m not really sure where it came from. Actually, I lied. It started freshman year of college, when I realized that I had wayyy too much time in my day and nothing to do with it.

At first, I thought I could handle having so much free time. I was dead wrong. I knew I loved sleep and Netflix, so you would think I would’ve figured out a reasonable game plan, but noooo. I started putting everything off to the side and it got out of control. As semesters passed, I started taking more challenging classes and got heavily involved on campus but still had that “it can wait” mindset, and sure enough things started piling higher than the sky. I didn’t want to admit it to myself-- I was slacking BIG TIME. 

I tried to justify this bad habit by comparing myself to other people doing the same thing and blaming it on professors and bosses who were trying to put me in a coffin. I even got into the mindset of thinking that some of my best work was completed minutes before it was due. (I still lowkey believe this but that’s besides the point.) I thought I was slick, too. I would start an assignment late knowing I would finish just in time to submit it at 11:59:59 pm and then post on snapchat about how boss I was cause I got it done. Childish.

One time, I decided to look up articles on procrastination... WHILE PROCRASTINATING.-- Yes, they do exist. Ask Google.-- Most of them were condemning it, but some of them discussed that it can be healthy. To my surprise they actually stated some valid points like, it gives us time to hash out issues or to think up a more detailed game plan. Of course, those are only valid if you’re wasting time in a productive manner rather than putting off a task simply because you don’t want to do it. Those are 2 very different things. 

It’s a new year, ya’ll, but let’s be honest. It’s the same me, same you. Most of us probably got new shoes or something, or new hair (my braids looking fire!) but there’s a slight chance that we are sticking to the major changes we said we would make. Let’s do what we gotta do. Stop wasting time and stop putting important things off until it’s too late. Putting off those goals is only throwing off your destination.

Limiting the amount of time I spend procrastinating is at the top of my list for 2018. I know it’s not going to be the easy but I’ll definitely feel better about myself knowing that I wasn’t rushing and producing mediocre work. When am I gonna start, you ask? Tomorrow, people. Baby steps.

[minedbodyandsoul]

Thank You, JB.

1.3.2018

*IMPORTANT NOTE: Although the previous post on this blog stressed the importance of getting an adequate amount of sleep, the dialogue this post references took place between the hours of 2am-4am the next day. Yeah, it was real late (or hella early) but that’s when the best convos happen, ya know? In sharing this, I promise my intentions are not to expose the words that were shared but to explain the lessons he (JB) helped me learn about myself.*

We were in a car, parked on the sidewalk, talking about nothing and everything. Soon, the topic of relationships came up, as it usually does, and there was radio silence. He called me out on it, pretty much highlighting my reluctancy to say what I was thinking. And that’s when it hit me. I AM TERRIBLE AT EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS (out loud).

Now, for those who know me, I’m sure this is no shocker. I have always been on the quiet side and would rather spend time listening and processing than actually saying anything. I’m usually at my maximum level of extroversion when surrounded by high energy and unfortunately, it doesn’t last for very long. I don’t get angry often but when I do, I GO OFF. So if I’ve ever gone off on you, sorryyyy (I ain’t sorry). I probably blew up cause you put the sprinkles on the Volcano Sundae that is my life. I hate sprinkles. In all seriousness though, blame the completely unrelated bottled up emotions that I didn’t express when I should have.

This next part of the conversation, I really wasn’t expecting. In a nutshell, he told me that I hadn’t moved on... from my past relationship. And I was SHOOK. Like eyes wide open, mouth dropped shook. Cause he was right. I didn’t want to acknowledge it because I swore to leave that man in 2017, but hearing this from someone I had intentions of moving on with made it all the more true. Case and point: I AM TERRIBLE AT MOVING ON.

I have no long explanation for that one. Simply put, I hate change. I’ve known this for a very long time.

We continued going back and forth pointing out faults (mostly mine) that we noticed when it came to our interactions and when it got quiet, I turned my head to look out the window. He asked me if I had anything else to say; I did. But for some reason, my stupid mouth wouldn’t let me say them. This made me angry and I began to cry silent tears. I’m not sure if he noticed but I didn’t care. I didn’t know how to say I wasn’t ignoring him, but that I was mentally (and emotionally) exhausted and shutting down. And instead of providing the closure he needed, just like that, the conversation was over.

This is what I wanted to say:

JB--You are a genuine person and I’m sorry it took me so long to realize. I underestimated your longing, not for me, but for emotional intimacy and now I know that I have been wrong about you this entire time. It was never about what we were, it was always about why we weren’t. When it came to you, I couldn’t figure out why things were never “right”. I can finally see that it was because I was extremely closed off about my feelings and I was wrong for that. You deserve more than the honesty and sincerity I couldn’t provide. Know that I want nothing but the best for you and after this conversation, I can honestly say...that is not me, not right now. You literally opened my eyes and for that I am eternally grateful. THANK YOU.

If you take nothing else away from this one, remember this: Part of the self improvement process includes getting to know who you are in your own eyes-- NOT in relation to anyone or anything else (thanks, Mr. Johnson). There are people, known and unknown, who are helping you along this process and others who are reversing it. Know the difference.

[minedbodyandsoul]

Rest Up.

1.2.2018

“I’m tired.”

That statement is probably the most accurate description of the past two and a half years of my life. It’s become my worst enemy and the very essence of my being AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. Seriously, if I had a dime for every time I said those words I would be ballin’… on a budget though.

I want to blame my constant state of exhaustion on trying to be down with the college life, but I can’t even do that because even when I’m home I stay up until ungodly hours of the morning. No joke. Today I didn’t close my eyes to actually go to sleep until around 10am. Why? I couldn’t even tell you. I was on my phone, Netflix ‘n’ chillin’ by myself, creating impossible scenarios in my head, overthinking—the usual.

*Side note: I actually fell asleep around 8ish but my lovely mother woke me up to ask me to drive her somewhere. Of course I said yes cause thats Mama Dukes. I did the deed then seconds after I got comfy in bed again, my lovely sister ALSO asked me to drive her somewhere. I had to say no to sis though; I love you Ruth, but wasn’t no way we were making it in one piece with me at the wheel.*

By now I have realized that not sleeping has become so normalized for me that my body can literally function for days with a max of 1-2 hours of shut eye per day. I’m awake, but not really. It’s altogether scary and amazing but most importantly, it’s unhealthy. Your mind and body need time to recover and depriving yourself of that can put you at risk physically, mentally, emotionally… pretty much all the well being “-allys” you can think of. Trust me, I know from experience.

What does this mean? REST UP. Put your phone away (if it’s an Android, just throw the whole phone away), turn off the tv, close your eyes and let your brain recuperate. This is coming from someone who has slept next to their iPad, MacBook, and iPhone every night for the last three weeks. Yes, that’s excessive; no, I don’t care what you think. Just know that even I have come to realize that 2018 can’t be my year if I’m not fully woke for it.

Yasss. I posted this with 1 minute of January 2nd to spare. See, I told ya’ll I would get better at this.

[minedbodyandsoul]

Happy. New. Year.

1.1.2018

You’ve probably heard this a million times since the ball dropped but yes, I finally decided to start a… blog? I’m not really sure if thats what this is yet; I’m just gonna go with it.

I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, not because I want to be famous or anything (though that would be great, Lordt) but because I need a healthy outlet in my life. Somehow, I made a practice of internalizing my stress, disappointment, anger, pain, heartbreak, anxiety, and frustration and I HAD to leave all that in 2017. 

I also watched a lot of my friends and family deal with their own trials and tribulations throughout the year and I’m hoping that my rambling on here will provide some support, encouragement, and maybe even laughter (we’ll see about that one) for someone, anyone, everyone who needs it.

Its currently 5:13pm and of course my page 1 of 365 -2018 edition- didn’t go as planned. BUT THAT IS OKAY. For anyone else who feels as though they’ve failed at the new year already, there are 364 more days for me and you to figure it out and that’s all that matters. I cannot stress this enough in 2018: it is OKAY to get it wrong, as long as you make it right. And if it ain’t meant to be right, throw that ish away.

With all that being said, I am speaking growth and prosperity into existence for myself and everyone who crosses my path. Yes, there will be tough days. Yes, there will be pain. Yes, it’s gon’ hurt, but PUSH THRUUUU because “…there is no comfort in the growth zone.” I promise I had all intentions of citing the source of that quote like a good college student would, but Google was taking way too long to tell me who said it.

On some real though, cheers to the new year. Take advantage of this fresh start and POP OFF. I expect nothing less.

P.S. Yeah I know this post ain’t drop on January 1. I forgot to actually click “post”. My bad.