lay me to waste
“Now I gotta add you to my list of people to try and forget about
Now I gotta add yours to my list of faces to try and not think about
Now I gotta tell 'em I don’t care and hope that nobody might work it out
It was obviously an illusion 'cause there’s never been so much I’ve been wrong about
And I don’t want to spend all my days thinking of the one I can’t live without
So I’m gonna have to add you to my list of people to try and forget about”
- Tame Impala, List of People (To Try and Forget About)
“You’re better off single.” Her friend laughed, Rachel rolling her eyes and taking a sip of her drink.
“Why, because you’re trying to fuck?” She asked teasingly, a smirk on her lips. “But I’m happy.”
“You’re happy? Who are you fooling? You barely even see your fiance or whatever the fuck he is. Are you even together?” He asked, her sighing.
“I mean, I’m still wearing my ring. So yes. I’m just trying to be faithful and I’m trying to straighten my shit out. I mean, I’m a mess. I’ve been a mess for years. Literally since freshman year of high school when I was getting baked in someone’s basement.” She laughed, looking down into her drink. “I mean, I’m just... I’m trying to have fun and enjoy myself and he just always makes me feel like shit about it. I know he cares about me but I want to have fun and just... take advantage of the fame while I have it.”
“You’re this famous, you’re not gonna suddenly drop off of the face of the earth. If anything, you’ll just be some lifestyle icon or some shit after a while. Maybe you’ll make your own label or something one day. I don’t know. I think that you need to live your life the way you want to live it. Fuck anyone who is trying to hold you back, you know?” He said, drinking his beer.
“Yeah. I don’t know. I want Finn, but-”
“Is his dick that good?” He laughed.
“I mean, I love the guy. And the sex is good.”
“Well then, fuck. Keep your man, girl. Just don’t get hung up on him. Concentrate on yourself.”
-/-
Rachel knew that her label was ruining everything the second they started controlling half of what she wanted to do. Once she felt like she was losing control of her own self, she knew she had to leave. The second that she was out of the tour and out of the contract, she knew she had to get out. She used whatever out she could just so she could get out of the craziness of everything. It was still weird to be home and done with the tour and to not be home, but she had even told Finn very briefly that she wasn’t finished and she needed more time -- she just needed a chance to get music out there that she produced herself and that showed exactly how she felt about the shitty situation she was in. She hated that she had done all of the shit she did, but she was just trying to get ahead in her career. She didn’t want to completely lose everyone, but she knew it was lonely at the top. She knew that this was what would happen, but she just really wished it didn’t.
Being on her own, she was able to just have her own small concerts at venues and while it was incredibly weird, she felt like she needed to get all of her emotions out. She needed to show her regret and all of her troubles and just get it out there so she wasn’t holding it in anymore. She took a few of her band members and just wrote and didn’t even record -- just set up days for concerts so they still were making money. Just her name alone got her a pretty big chunk of change even if she wasn’t working for a label. Plus, she was still working for tons of brands, and she did still have more than enough income than she knew what to do with. Plus, her band was more than willing to accommodate to whatever style of music she wanted to do or whatever covers, which she was grateful for.
She missed Taylor and Jeremy and how close they all were, but she also knew that people didn’t stick around forever. She just hoped the one person that would stick around would be Finn. But now that they were on their break, even that seemed unrealistic now. She wanted him more than anything, but she just didn’t want him constantly feeling bad for her.
Tonight, as Rachel sat in a green room at a venue, she brushed through her hair, fixing her makeup slightly in the mirror. Lately, she had gotten into the bad habit of getting high before her performances, and this one was no different. It was just so much easier to get hyped for the concert and she was just able to get her mind off of everything. Rachel held onto the frame of the door as she stumbled slightly out of the green room, her seeing someone from backstage immediately move over to her to start to hook her up with equipment.
“You have a forty minute set. You have the set list set up for you next to the microphone. There’s two water bottles, but if you need more you can let us know by signaling off stage.” The worker said, leading her towards the stage. She was barely listening, but she couldn’t help it. She just felt so out of it in the best way and she loved the feeling.
(Hi-Lo & Dream - aka the inspo for this entire stage of her fucked up life HAHA)
By the time she was finished with her last song, she barely could remember everything else she had done during the entire concert. When she walked back to the green room, she stopped in her tracks when she saw Ed standing against the wall, looking at her sadly.
“Ed? What are you- fuck. What are you doing here?”
“I came to see your show, I got tickets. But I’m coming to take you to my house.” He said, sighing as she shut the door, taking off her jacket and stumbling slightly to a chair in the room.
“What? I- I have a hotel room in town.”
“When you have an apartment with your fiance?”
“I can’t go home yet.” She said softly, looking into his eyes, hers hazy. Ed sighed before walking over to her. “Come on, you’re coming with me. I’m not letting you go back there.” He said, packing up her things in the room before slinging the duffel bag over his shoulder and looking to her. He extended his hand for her, her reaching out tiredly to take it. Ed pulled her into a standing position so he could pull her into his side, her leaning her weight against him for a moment. When they went out the back the way they were directed, people screamed when they saw the two of them together, Rachel keeping herself looking somewhat normal. Once he had her in the car he took, she sighed, shutting her eyes for a moment.
“When did you write that song? The last one?” He asked, starting to drive through the city.
“Last week.” She said, looking miserable.
“Fuck. You may be a musical genius, but you’re a fucking mess, Rachel. You need help.”
“You sound like Finn,” She groaned, squirming in the passenger side. “I just... I wanted to have fun.
“What have you not done? I feel like you’ve done everything under the sun, Rachel.”
She paused, trying to think. “Not heroin. Josh... he- fuck. He died from that. I’m too scared. I tripped yesterday and I was finally coming down and I needed to just... not feel like shit. And I’ve been getting high before performances. I just-”
“I don’t need your excuses, Rachel. You’re not leaving my house until you’re sober.”
“Ed, I’m gonna be fine. Just let me go to my hotel. I already paid for it.”
He looked over at her for a moment, shaking his head. “No. I’ll go check you out tomorrow from the hotel. Or call them up or something. I’m not letting you leave my place. Rachel, you realize Finn’s probably a fucking mess, right? He’s not stupid, he can probably get any details on you that he wanted.” He sighed, pulling into his community before driving down his street and towards his house. Once he pulled up tot he house and helped her out, they were both silent until they got inside.
“You don’t need to do this,” She said quietly, holding onto his wall slightly. “I can just do this on my own.”
“No, you can’t. And I already know I’m going to hear you crying about Finn tomorrow. Just sleep off whatever you’re on so we can talk normally tomorrow and we’ll get you cleaned up tomorrow and stuff,” He said, guiding her to the guest bedroom that was near his bedroom. He pulled down the blankets and guided her into the bed, her sighing as soon as she hit the sheets. “You feel okay? You’re not gonna throw up in the bed or anything?”
“N-no. I’m okay.” She mumbled, holding onto the pillow. “I’ll talk to you in the morning. I can’t right now. Can you text Finn that I love him?” She said into the pillow, Ed sighing.
“Yeah, Rachel. Sure. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” He said, pulling the covers over her and looking at her.
“Mhm.”
When Rachel woke up in the morning and went down the steps, she rubbed her eyes and smiled gently when she saw Ed grabbing cereal and some fruit.
“Oh, hey. Uh, you sleep okay?” He asked, her nodding.
“Yeah. Thanks. I feel a lot better.” She whispered, moving to sit at his breakfast bar. “Do you have any coffee?”
“Already on it.” Ed reached to hand her a cup, Rachel smiling gently in response.
“Thanks. So, I guess you want to talk now right?”
“Kind of. But we don’t have to if you don’t want to. I mean, Rachel, you realize you need to stop, right? You’re a mess. And people can tell. I mean, there was that picture of you and you could tell you were getting high. I mean, I’m all for having fun every once in a while, but you realize you’re killing yourself right?” He rambled, her looking down into her coffee cup.
“I don’t just... ‘have fun,’ Ed. I take everything to the extreme. I can’t handle myself. And I want to be a good wife and shit but I’m afraid I’m just going to be a huge fuck up. And I don’t want to make Finn unhappy.”
Ed shrugged, drinking his coffee. “Well, you’re making him pretty unhappy right now. I mean, when was the last time you even seriously talked to him? Touched him? Seen his actual face? I mean, come on, Rachel. You’re being insane. You just need to figure all your shit out. And I’m all for holding you hostage here until you do, but you need to go back to Finn. I’ll take you there personally. But he’s the only one who knows you better than anyone else and will actually help you more than any of us can.”
Rachel knew he was right. She needed to get her shit together, but she just didn’t know how to start. Obviously, she needed to get clean and she knew she’d be able to -- drugs were never what alcohol was to her, but she just had been so dependent on both this entire tour.
“I can’t go right now. I need a few more days. To just... not touch anything . To go to him and make sure that I’m really actually sober. I just need a little bit.” She said softly, running her finger along her coffee cup.
“That’s fine. I’ll drop you off. I just need to make sure you figure this out. I know you guys need each other. You guys are just... so stupid sometimes. Everyone can see you guys are being stupid except for the two of you.”
“That’s how it usually works, isn’t it?” She asked, smiling sadly.
“Yeah. But we’re gonna figure it out. Alright?”
“Okay.”
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