minibaba

[minibaba]

[minibaba]

i think suicidality can be an identity that's a lot scarier to lose than to keep. like for me it's been forever, and it's been a comfort to know there's a way to stop it all if it becomes unbearable, and planning for the future is a lot harder and more complicated than expecting not to have one. there's only really been a couple times in my life when i've spent more than a few days not wanting to die. becoming aware of it (even in a way that initially makes me happy) usually comes just before a bad relapse. i don't think it's quite 'self-sabotage' but it is a difficult and frightening thing, to not want to die, and to think about what that entails. which can. yknow. it spirals. hope leading to disgust and isolation and paranoia and self-harming behaviours and more disgust.

[minibaba]

there's a thing where someone will hear a disabled person talk about how awful it is to be unable to get out of bed all day, and they'll think "I wish I was in bed all day." like there is a disconnect.

why aren't you in bed all day? because you need to work, to keep up with your responsibilities to other people, to bathe and exercise and move your body, all sorts of reasons.

disabled people still have all those things going on. they also need money and have responsibilities to other people and want to feel clean and move their bodies. they suffer the same consequences you would for not doing them.

you know that keeping up with all those things, even when exhausting, works out better for you in the long run than staying in bed all day, which is why you do them. it's such an obvious choice it doesn't even feel like you have a choice.

there is a difference between not needing to do all those things and not being able to do all those things. that's disability.

[minibaba]

Something that I think gets somewhat lost in the Cuno and Cunoesse plot is how the first step to getting closer to Cuno is to separate him from Cunoesse… like that’s a thing Harry notices and thinks to himself: if I want Cuno to talk to me, I have to separate him from Cunoesse. His thought process and his tactics are straightforwardly manipulative. The check is called “get_cuno_alone”. You play up to Cuno how scary and out of control Cunoesse is in order to get him to open up to you. The thing is: she’s eleven. And you’re playing as a cop who can punch Cuno and shoot Cunoesse.

Cunoesse is right to be afraid of Harry, not just because killing her is a real thing you can do in this game, but also because Harry intentionally tries to split her from Cuno, who is all she has. Without him, she doesn’t have clothes or food or a roof over her head. She doesn’t even have a name.

CUNOESSE - "Don't make yourself into a pig, Cuno. You'll have to take me away..." A leaden silence fills the yard.

SUGGESTION - So that's what this is about.

Cunoesse is afraid that Cuno will sell her out for a chance of a better life. And I feel that’s the implication in the Cuno partner ending: he left Cunoesse to become a cop because that’s what the player convinced him, intentionally or not, to do.

YOU - "Where is Cunoesse?"

CUNO - "Cuno doesn't want to talk about this shit." There is a moment of thoughtful silence. He almost looks behind him.

COMPOSURE - That is a look of a man who knows he'll be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life.

I know this moment gets read as fear a lot (especially since a check during the end game says that is is in fact scared of having to face Cunoesse if you leave him behind), but to me it reads like Cuno knowing that he’ll never have 100% conviction in his choice. It’s heavy… He took responsibility for C’s life when he took her in. Initially, he is willing to fight you to the potential death to protect her from what you represent. But he’s just a kid himself. It was never going to end well… but in this route, it ends the way it does because of Harry being a cop and interacting with them as a cop. I feel like that’s gotta be something that we take into account when we talk about C. We’re playing as a cop who’s willing to potentially disrupt her one and only relationship just for the sake of our investigation. Our relationship with Cuno depends on whether or not we can “get_cuno_alone.” And in the end, when we do, we’ve potentially ruined both these kids’ lives even worse than before.

[minibaba]

Anyway, I finally finished my KuroPaku comic!

i wouldn’t say I’m content with how it came out, but I’m glad I made it happen at all. Enjoy!

[minibaba]

you just can't kill someone because of the way they look at you

[minibaba]

Susumu Hirasawa - 救済の技法 (Kyūsai no Gihō, Technique of Relief) but in gmod

inspired by @gmod-album-covers

[minibaba]

BLACK ORPHEUS (1959) dir. MARCEL CAMUS

[minibaba]

yeah this could be the best scene in the book

[minibaba]

black cats are so evil. I have to clean everything i own

[minibaba]

cat threw up on my bed and idk if it happened when I was asleep or when I left the room briefly. either way I did not notice it immediately.

[minibaba]

really cool "yamete okou" (let's stop) char sticker for when people post things you dont like

[minibaba]

her velvet spleen, her shackle spine, her diamond curse

and below the angel dog combs her hair and sings her songs

the bombs go off, she doesnt notice /

all my blisters now revealed

in the darkness of my dreams

in the spaces inbetween us

but no bodies ever knew

[minibaba]

Chinese jade carvings: corn, grapes, cabbage, and bok choy. (cr 簇拥烈日的花)

[minibaba]

javier escuella is actually a butch lesbian ik this because she told me

[minibaba]

TEN YEARS OF MAD MAX: FURY ROAD dir. George Miller, released 15th May 2015