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Why Are Most Indians And Indian Laws Still So Confused About Marital Rapes?

Once married, men think they don’t need to ask consent from their wives to have sex. Why are we still so confused about women’s rights over their bodies? Usually, after a marriage in India, it is implied that both the man and the woman have consented to sexual intercourse. According to the Section 375 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC), rape is any activity that includes all forms of sexual assault involving nonconsensual sex with a woman. However, there is an exemption to this law too. Exception 2 of Section 375 says that unwilling sexual intercourse between a man and his wife of over 15 years of age will not be classified as rape. It immunes the act of marital rape from prosecution. Why don’t women have rights over their bodies? According to the current law, a wife is presumed to give perpetual consent to her husband for sex after they’re married. While this unwilling sexual relationship between a couple is recognised as a crime in most countries, in India, the laws are still unclear. Isn’t a wife a human after she’s married? Does she not have her own identity and rights over her body? Is she not someone who can decide what she wants or doesn’t want to do? A woman’s virginity is one of the most talked about issues for a long time now. To be intimate with someone is an important thing in everyone’s life, it is a way of expressing your love for the other person. And it is more enjoyable when it happens when both people are willingly doing it. Being married doesn’t mean they don’t need consent At the same time, in the Indian society, being married is considered as a perpetual consent from the wife to have sex with her husband. Once they’re married, men don’t need to ask consent from their wives to have sex with them. Then why is there a concept of ‘marital rape’ that is still rampant? Why is it still not criminalised in India? And why are our laws so ambiguous when it comes to women and their identity? Earlier, women didn’t have the ability or the conditioning to oppose her husband, and was bound to accept whatever her husband told her. The husband was considered a superior, earning member while the wife only took care of the house and looked after the family. However, today, women are demanding their identities. They may be the bread-earners of the family, they may be single mothers but they are women are ambitious and have dreams that they want to fulfill. And for these dreams, women today, don’t like to be dependent on any other person. Is sex the only thing between a married couple? If a woman doesn’t consent to having sex with her husband for a long time after marriage, does it give him the right to demand a separation? Is sexual intercourse the only thing needed to maintain a healthy married relationship? Does emotional bonding or love between two people not matter at all? Sexual intercourse is important and should happen organically. However, in our society, the condition, often is such that it is imposed on upon you once you’re married. Either change the law that doesn’t criminalise marital rape or let women have the right to deny having sexual intercourse with her husband. It’s time we let women have rights over her own body and its satisfaction!

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Men Giving Rape Threats To 5y.o. Ziva Dhoni ‘Coz Her Father Performed Badly Shows Our Sick Society.

Mentality of men in Indian society has reached a new low with many disgruntled cricket fans giving MS Dhoni’s 5-year-old daughter rape threats because her father is not playing well enough. Cricket is one game that unites our entire country. Fans go crazy for their favourite teams and their favourite cricketers. It’s very common for angry fans to lash out on the crickets and blame them for match-fixing if they lose a match. But one more thing that has become very common with the advent of social media is giving violent threats to a cricketer’s wife or girlfriend if he doesn’t perform well. Rape threat to a 5 year old?! In a recent disturbing incident, our society has stooped down to its utmost low. On Wednesday after Chennai super Kings lost a match to Kolkata Night Riders in the ongoing Indian Premier League, CSK’s captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s Instagram post comments were filled with rape threats. These threats of rape and physical violence were directed towards his 5-year old daughter Ziva Dhoni. Read that again! Several comments were giving out rape threats to 5 year old Ziva. Mind you, not one, not two but several comments were made in the same vein. I can’t stress this enough. Trolls gave rape threats to a 5 year old girl because her father did not perform well in a few matches! This is not just sickening but is also a mirror to the toxic masculinity and rape culture that breeds in our society. Something that makes it very easy for 40-year-old men to send out casual rape threats to a 5-year-old kid. A mentality that makes men think that abusing women is the only way of venting out anger and frustration. Thankfully the internet did not take this lightly. After MSD’s Instagram comment section was filled with such disgusting comments several users on Twitters condemned the incident. Why is it so easy to send out rape threats? According to recent data provided by the NCRB, an average of 87 rape cases were reported in India per day in 2019. Note the word ‘reported’. The real numbers can easily be much bigger, given the abysmal rates of reporting rape in a country that stigmatises the survivor, not the perpetrator. Despite this data being out there for everyone to see, in our country, men dare to casually send out rape threats. If they don’t agree with a woman they’ll send out a rape threat, if they don’t like something a man did they send out rape threats to his mother, wife or daughter. There is just no fear at all. In our so-called modern world, even today shamefully, sexual violence is often considered a way to avenge any kind of insult or injury. This notion leads to women being treated as ‘property’ and their ‘sexual purity’ being held synonymous with the family/clan ‘honour’ and most cases self-honour as a woman. This is the very reason that behind anonymous tags trolls have been shamelessly sending out rape threats to vent their anger. There is no curbing to stop them, they cannot be identified, and the very reason that they feel that raping a woman is right is what gives them the courage to type such horrifying messages. What can be done? On a platform level to curb cyber bullying, social media platforms can take proactive measures and zero-tolerance against online sexual harassment and abuse. Accounts doing so should be completely taken down. Platforms should work to make the internet a safe space, representative of equality and opportunity, and not one filled with sexual predators. One where women shouldn’t feel unsafe just looking at their screens. Secondly, real-life actions and arrests should be hassle-free. Finally, a mindset change has to be bought. It’s high time we teach our boys to respect women rather than try to abuse them. Rape is a heinous crime. And to use it to threaten someone or to show your anger just shows the deep-rooted patriarchal mindset of society. Something which believes in harming the ‘woman’ of the family to take revenge from someone. This incident is not just sick and disturbing it’s also a mirror to our society. On how we are raising our men!

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Things Parents Should NEVER Say If They Want to Raise Empowered Daughers.

Remember that words have the power to wound, irreparably. What parents say matters, so be careful what you say if you want to raise confident daughters. Growing up in Indian households comes with its own issues. Growing up as a girl in Indian households is another matter altogether. Even today, there are some statements that have become so hideously commonplace in Indian families, that our elders either do not, or cannot understand the enormous impact these statements have on the psyche of young girls and children in general. Here are 4 examples of seemingly innocuous statements that are thrown at girls in Indian households, without a thought and understanding, which need to be banned immediately. “Behave like a girl. Don’t talk back!” Behave like a girl. Don’t talk back! (Ladkiyon jaise raho. Ulta jawab mat do / zabaan mat ladao) What does this even mean – to behave like a girl? How do we define what ‘behaving like a girl’ entails? Is it to be submissive? Comformative? Meek? Feminine? This reeks of the same stereotype that is used for the other gender – ‘Be a Man.’ Children who are constantly berated for talking back, or expressing their opinions out loud, are brainwashed into thinking that it is ‘unbecoming’ to argue (in case of women), or cry (in case of men); these children grow up to develop an inferiority complex so strong, that they cannot even raise their voices in opposition to wrong things. These children bear the weight of this nonsensical societal expectations of what a girl is, or what a man is, for the rest of their lives. In the case of women, this conditional suppression of their ability to speak up for themselves and stand for their own well being is one of the primary reasons behind their consistent subjugation. Not knowing any better, young girls adopt meekness, considering it to be a virtue, even at the cost of their lives. Is it inherent and internalized prejudice that leads us to assume girls as being somehow weaker or inferior than boys, even if they are not? Or to assume that expressing emotion, or crying, are somehow specifically feminine traits? If yes, this needs to stop now. Children do not have to bear the burden of their parents’ ideologies and prejudices. Let them discover what ‘behaving like a girl’ or ‘being a man’, means for themselves. “Daughters are someone else’s property, their real home is their husband’s” Daughters are someone else’s property. The home of their biological parents is not their home after all, their REAL homes are the ones they will have after marriage. (Betiyan toh paraya dhan hoti hain. Jab tak ho yahan theek hai, fer toh apne ghar jana hai.) I cannot believe parents still say this to their daughters. Why? It’s like adopting a child and then reminding that child every single day that they are adopted; where they are right now. I envy the girls who did not have to hear this thrown at them in their childhood. Even in jest, this is a statement that cuts to the bones of daughters. If you are a woman, reading this here, imagine for a second how it makes you feel. Does it remind you how much it hurt to hear your own parents say this to you when you were young? Why would any parent allow their own children to suffer from the same fate? Daughters are not things to be owned or possessed; they are individuals, human beings in their own right. Please stop. Never let children feel that they do not belong at their home, with their parents. Their REAL homes are wherever they choose to call their homes. Learn to cook. How will you feed your husband? Learn to cook. How will you feed your husband? In-laws will say your mother has not taught you anything. We are bearing all your tantrums, your in-laws will not suffer them. (Khana banana seekh lo. Pati ko kya khilaoge? Sasuraal wale kahenge maa ne kuch sikhaya nahi. Hum jhel rahe hain tumhare nakhre, sasural me koi nahi jhelega.) Learning to cook for oneself is a skill that everyone must acquire. Women are not born with the guidebook to be a MasterChefs. Having the capability to cook and feed oneself is not a gender specific trait, it is survival. Husbands do not need to be fed by their wives; nor do the in-laws. Threatening your daughters with the supposed repercussions they will face at the hands of their in-laws, is a poor way to handle their tantrums; it is just a way to delegate responsibility for your children to someone else. This not only sows the seed of doubt and fear in the hearts of young girls, regarding the whole institution of marriage, but also paints a poor picture of what they should be expecting from their future relatives. A peace based on fear, is no peace. Cooking and cleaning are not the only maternal legacies that matter. There are a horde of more significant traits that mothers can pass on to their daughters, like courage, determination, self-love and empathy. If you cannot cook and clean for yourself, you need some basic survival skills training asap; not a wife or daughter-in-law. Education is important, irrespective of gender and house-work is important, irrespective of gender.

Don’t wear such clothes. Good girls don’t talk to boys or stay out at night. Don’t wear such clothes. You look like a slut, a prostitute. Why are you wearing make-up? For whom? Good girls don’t talk to boys or stay out at night. They come home early. (Kaise kapde pehne hain? Vaishya lag rahi ho. Kiske liye kar rahe ho ye makeup? Achi ladkiyan ladkon se baatein nahi karti, raat ko bahar nahi ghumti. Jaldi ghar wapis aati hain.) 

Although I admit that this is one of the many ways in which Indian parents warn their daughters of the atrocious crimes being committed against women, and I admit that it is extremely important to prepare our daughters to face a world where the dangers of assault are extremely real; I do not agree that this is how this subject should be approached. Believe it or not, daughters are going to come across pop culture sometime or other. They are going to be exposed to what is cool and what is not, they are going to be influenced by the generalised beauty standards of the world. There is nothing parents can do to stop that. What can be done, is to never aggressively deny or demean their choices of attire or make up. Let daughters wear whatever they want to, let them experiment with make-up however they want to. Remember that words have the power to wound, irreparably. What parents say matters. Never compare or judge daughters as ‘sluts’ or ‘prostitutes’; remember that children invariably end up doing exactly what is forbidden. It is always better to convey positive criticism and use words like – this dress does not suit you, or it does not flatter you like this other one – Be very careful of the words used, when speaking to your children. Parents must be open to uncomfortable conversations; no subject should be off-the-table. If children have questions, answer them in the best way possible; if you do not know, tell them that you do not know and attempt to find the best approach together. There is a veritable goldmine of information out there, FIGURE IT OUT. Because, children will find out about these things, one way or another, in today’s world of information overload, it is impossible to protect children from the ‘bad stuff’. The best way to prepare them for the world is to stay one step ahead of other sources; be approachable, discuss, educate. Create awareness of the potential dangers, so daughters can be willing partners in taking measures to protect themselves. Why this is important? Even in today’s so called progressive society, there is an inordinate amount of pressure being exerted on girls for marriage. We are raising daughters (girls in general) to aspire for marriage, and at the same time, we are not raising our sons to aspire for it. The value that women derive from the institution of marriage is far more than that of their male counterparts. This is the reason why there is a far greater number of women who choose to compromise and stay in abusive and toxic marriages, as compared to men. There is a vast difference in the values which we are instilling in our daughters and in our sons. The weight of expectation that we put on our daughters and women is blatantly unrealistic and unfair; and will eventually break them. We have to bring in change, and we have to bring it now. We need to know that if we want to raise strong, independent, self-respecting women, we must treat them as such; and at the same time, raise our sons to be strong, independent, self-respecting men. We must be willing to put in the effort and we must be wary of the words we use. The fate of the world lies in the hands of our children; and our children are our responsibilities.

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The argument that men rape because they are ‘denied’ sex, comes up repeatedly, even when it has been proved to be false.

Sex is a natural urge in men. It is sometimes said that after food, the next requirement is sex.

In a conservative society like India, one can ordinarily have sex only through marriage. But when there is massive and rising unemployment, a large number of young men cannot marry (as no girl will ordinarily marry an unemployed man). Consequently a large number of young men remain deprived of sex, even though they have reached an age when it is a normal requirement.

So says Markandey Katju, an ex Supreme Court Justice of India, in a Facebook post talking of the recent brutal rape and murder of a young woman in Hathras, in the state of Uttar Pradesh. While he hastens to add that he is not excusing the crime, only explaining it, reading it made me long for a Justice of the honourable court who could pass a law that excises this regressive and completely false notion in the minds of men as well as women. Yes, sex is a natural urge, not just in men, but also in women. Yet, we don’t see women committing horrific rapes (or if they do, they are very rare, and rarely explained as a result of their being ‘deprived of sex’). So no, rape is not an outcome of sex being unavailable to anyone. Yes, we all need better sex education, and the linking of sex to marriage and the controlling of young peoples’ sexual desires by parents are all problems in India. None of these excuse or explain rape. Rape is about power. Rape is about what you can get away with. Rape is about caste, because the reality is that women from marginalised castes have the least amount of power and therefore, protection. In a country where FIRs are filed as a matter of routine and where police investigate crimes promptly, ‘denied’ sexual desire may result in more time spent wanking in the bathroom, but not in rape. In a country where trials happen within a reasonable amount of time, where evidence is collected and processed carefully, most potential rapists would be deterred for fear of spending time in jail, libido high or low be damned. In a country where caste does not exist and in societies where people are not graded on a social ladder based on their assets and social ‘class’, a rapist in the making would be afraid that his victim is considered equally valuable by everyone else in the community, and that her death will galvanise everyone into action. That country is not ours.

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Finding Parity within Chaos

Balance, I hope you find yours. It’s not to be understood or agreed upon by others. your balance needs to be between your heart and soul. You need to choose things and people that bring your peace and joy. Don’t get caught up in hatred, negativity and jealousy. Do what makes you happy. If making resolutions is what gives you joy, go for it! But, it's not your cup of tea, fuck it! Don’t, do a job you hate or study something that you are not interested in it! Don’t listen to people half of them aren’t following their heart, so there's no way they’ll tell you to follow yours. Passion driven people are scary. Your energy and love scare them because they probably don’t feel the same vibrations about life as you do. Follow your heart, the world will learn to follow too. Maybe you’ll even inspire a few that if you’re capable of feeling happiness and joy, you’re as capable of misery and pain. There will be good days and there will surely be bad ones. Breathe through them that’s all that’s required of you, breathe. Be thankful for this wonderful life that you wake up to daily. Help as many people as you can. Don’t wait to be old enough, on rich enough to help ones in need. Do it today. Do it every day. There’s no better time than now. Especially, do it on your bad days, but also great days. So balance. Love everything that you have got and received with just as much compassion and every time you take that breath, remember who yours and where you came from. The air you breathe is your responsibility. Nature has given us so much, give some back. Look after the world you live in. Write love letters to strangers, spend time with old people, they know far away more than you credit them for. Talk to children. Balance isn’t about balancing your gym and your job- no it’s about capable of becoming. Living to your full potential, realizing that this world, is as much as it’s yours. Our four walls are not our responsibility. This is our time- Begin today.

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Feminism shouldn't be about women v/s men. It should be about women v/s Archaic conventions, that leave women disenfranchised on her rights. Women are not better than men and men are not better than women. We all are just different, we were made that way and that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than OK. I fucking love being a woman. This shouldn't be about suppressing any man, but, to end the Patriarchy in society.

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Well, it's my first post on my blog aka Miracleanchor.tumblr.com potentially a big deal. And on the path of researching my first posts, I decided to look at the first post of other well-known blogs, along with the blog I followed it for a little encouragement and inspiration. And then it struck me: Why not make my first post, all about writing the first post? That way I make it more interesting, easier to write and avoiding the much more daunting “my story” post. It may or may not please many of you to know that you and I are very much alike. We can’t eat without spilling on ourselves. We’ve no idea what Rihanna is saying but we sing along anyway. We wear that same pair of jeans 3 days in a row. Okay. Just me? Anyways. Welcome to my new website! This is where I’m going to share all life hacks, and other awesome, and astonishing facts with you. Looking back, I never imagined this where life is taking me. I still remember nervously walking into my first casting, unsure of my future and what it would all entail. Fast-forward to today and here we are! I’m a proud daughter, a law student, and now navigating through my very first blog post, reminiscing the past and anxious to share the future.