mirrorandsea

[mirrorandsea]

I slipped up a little, but I feel ok again

I feel like I got a little out of whack with myself. Gosh I was truly loving the calls, connection and time back in a routine talking to Daniel. It was so lovely. And then on Weds he texted and sent a video; it felt so lovely! But that evening I got no reply. Then I heard nothing from him the following day. And before I knew it another day had passed and I'd heard nothing.

So I picked up the phone and called him myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should make more of an effort and contact my boyfriend more. It was a nice conversation but I probably felt a little on edge and that no doubt does come across in conversation. But we're slowly getting there. I think.

I slipped up as I had a few glasses of wine after our phone call and I decided to text him. Gosh I just missed him. Instead of filling my own cup I leaned forward. I also started thinking more about his ex, our past and about our future together. If there is one. And then I just sat down 10 minute ago and started letting it all go.

I cannot compare my life to his ex. I also cannot think of him all the time. Where is my cup? What am I pouring into it? How do I feel? Am I slow, in flow and happy? Am I fulfilled? Am I looking after me?

I've let go of the resentment, and I now I let go of the fears. The expectations. The assumptions.

The trees are swaying oh so beautifully in the wind. The sun is currently gently kissing my lips as I type. The birds are singing and the sun is so warm. It's gentle, peaceful and so absolutely beautiful. I am so thankful and love this little slice of heaven.

But what I realise now is that I need to let go of my fears.

- I let go of my thoughts towards Lucy; I don't know her and I don't know why they broke up. It isn't my place. We all have a past; who cares?

- I let go of my assumption that Daniel no longer cares for me

- I let go of my worry that Daniel finds me annoying. I am not annoying, I am wonderful, smart, energetic, switched on, feminine, kind, caring and at peace with who I am.

- I let go of my worry that this relationship is doomed. There is no timeline. No right or wrong. No set path that cannot change. There is only the future that will unfold. You are wonderful!

- I let go of my worry that I am needy. I have so much to give, so much love and so much radiance. I am a joy. And I have radiant love to give. A divine love that will spill in time.

- I let go of my worry that I am not good enough for Daniel. Because I am.

- I let go of my worry that I don't fit his mould for what he wants in life. I fit no mould, I am me and that is enough.

-I let go of my worry that I am not a part of the boarding school country scene. My parents aren't giving money towards a house and they are not farmers. They don't have what his ex did. But that is ok because I am not her. I am me and I have love, life, radiance and a different skillset to give.

So who am I?

I am motivated, I am smart and I am a go-getter. I find peace within myself, but I also find joy in a challenge of a new project. I enjoy my quiet time. I adore books. I thrive in the kitchen. I laugh and life so hard. I am grateful and I am alive. I am thankful. I am at peace and I choose to fill my own soul.

I let go of the worry that I should perform. I am not a performer. I have nothing to perform for. I also do not control things, I just am and everything else flows. I focus on my own goals, I fulfil myself and I pour into my own life. I am full of love and life. I am blessed and I am happy.

I want to build a powerful blog and business that enriches womens' lives. I want to see it thrive, grow and drive traffic. I want to see myself make money, push my skillset, push Daniel and achieve more than I ever could imagine. I want to do this all for me because I am capable. I do not want to be lazy. I do not want to rely on everyone else. I want to build something for me.

I want to invest in myself. I want to love myself. And I want to be at peace with myself. I do not have control over how someone teaches me, but I do have control of what I pour into my own life and with that I choose to pour a blog, new skills, my garden, walking Ruby, lots of sleep, a long beautiful hot bath, new books, and much more.

I also choose and aim to: - Gain 100 IG followers

- Write 20 pieces of content per month

- Start guest posting and figuring out how to get backlinks

- Start research for a recipe book

- Walk Ruby more for my own mental health

- Lose myself in podcasts

- Build a brand I am proud of

- Write content that makes me happy and proud

- Continue to love, grow, learn and push myself

No one else can do this apart from you. I see myself in love, I see myself pushing myself, I see myself saving money and I see myself learning to be more disciplined. I see myself with a project manager doing tasks like organising backlinks, photos, new content and freelancers. I see myself doing all of that and earning good money; enough to live a wonderufl life. But above the money, I want to drive myself to start a business so I actually have this little baby to grow and nurture myself. I want to get on calls be energised. I want to meet with people in real life and feel really enthusiastic about what I do. I want to actually love my work and work towards growth not money.

I want to work alongside other females that are just an absolute joy. I want to see what I do grow. THAT is where I will succeed.

I want to. I will. X

[mirrorandsea]

I feel lovely, so lovely

How nice it is to feel alive. To take a stroll down to the creek, sip a coffee, soak in a bath and just s-l-o-w right down. What a gift it is! What a delight.

[mirrorandsea]

Anxious

When you have a few drinks, the truth comes out. For me last night I wasn't expecting to feel what I felt. So much fear. Daniel called and it was nice to catch up but I feel a bit sad he'd had Bridgette since Thursday and tried to have his day surgery and I knew nothing. He hadn't told me. I imagine how he'd have phoned his mum and of course his sister knew too as she was babysitting, so that felt a bit annoying that I was last to hear. But I also reassured myself, it's ok, we are still finding our feet. I don't have to be the first person he tells and it will take time to build that up again.

I felt sad after our call, mostly because I realised how I feel love for him and it's there but I feel so much fear to the point I feel like shutting down or running away. It's pretty terrifying. Because to love is to be vulnerable and that's really scary. To basically say, here this is what I feel for you and I know you might not feel the same in return and that is ok. But what is the other option? Keep repressing it and then it gets worse and sits stagnant brewing.

But despite everything that has happened between us, I knew I loved you back in January. It is scary, and I want to block it out and not let you in but that's not life. And regardless of what has happened or what will happen with us, I'd rather take the risk and let you know.

I am excited for the future and I feel hopeful too. I need to learn to not read into things too much. I don't know what the future holds and you know what I realised this morning? When I have a project, I focus less on my relationship. I need a purpose otherwise my relationship becomes my purpose. It's why I need this business because it actually will help me refocus and put my time, thoughts and efforts into something else. I think that distraction actually isn't a distraction, it's really healthy.

I also need to get rid of the negative thoughts.

He only called me to get an update on his portfolio.

He doesn't bother saying goodnight because he is avoiding showing me love.

But all those thoughts are stupid. He didn't call to only get an update on the portfolio as he was really interested in other things that have been going on in my life. He doesn't say goodnight anymore probably because he is busy on YouTube or something stupid. It doesn't mean anything.

But what does mean something is that I need a purpose again and I feel I have found one. What is the point in worrying about visas, future and where I will live? Big questions and big issues, but there's little point in upsetting myself dwelling on it all or I'd never start the blog or business now. If I did that, I literally wouldn't get anything done as it's like saying why start a business because one day I will die anyway. The same theory applies to why start a blog if I have to move one day? Sure, but you figure it out as you go. Plus I have no idea what the future holds, I could be pregnant or get married or really happy with D for all I know. I could even end up overseas in NZ or England. Who knows!

But what I do know is I need a purpose. And I will give it to myself. It brings me joy. Looking at mofos from back home on Instagram doesn't. It's not me or my life anymore and it never will be. Worrying myself over Daniel will not help things either. It's all pointless. But love, life, living it and thriving aren't. So do that, and do it well.

[mirrorandsea]

I yearn

I am so excited to see you again. Tonight I realised as I was talking to my friend J that I can't wait to see your name pop up on my phone. As you call me, or as you text me. I can't wait to hear you are coming home. I can't wait to hug you and to kiss you. I can't wait to keep opening my heart up for you, for me and for life. I can't wait to sleep beside you, reach out and hold your hand.

Life isn't perfect, but I have realised when i let myself feel things I feel things for you. There is love for you. A deep love. And I hope and pray it continues to deepen. I hope the bad times make us stronger, respect each other more, help us grow and to become better and kinder people. I think it will. My gut feeling is that I genuinely choose you and I come back home to you. For love, and in love. How excited you make me feel. How loved you make me feel. How full of life you make me feel. The butterflies are fluttering, they are here there and e everywhere. I am excited.

This is beautiful. I am excited. And I am grateful to grow.

This will make us or break us.

It will make us, my darling. Make us it will.

Forever mine. Forever thine. Forever ours.

[mirrorandsea]

I feel alive. I am alive.

I spent a lot of the afternoon today in the garden. I shouldn't have, but I did. Not only do I feel like I have achieved so much but I feel better for it.

I stood beneath the trees tonight, looked up at the birds cooing at each other and thought to myself: "How lucky am I to live here? To have this life?". Suddenly, the fight for Australia and tie to this land feels stronger than ever. But above that, I just felt thankful to God for making the beautiful bushland. It calms the soul and is a powerful balm for heart aches.

We can love and we can lose in life regardless of how we act. There is no safety net in marriage, a ring or children. We must love freely with risk. Love purely and love strongly. You might not get what you want in return; but alas, you might get something better. I think that's the secret to happiness – finding things that genuinely bring you joy and also, loving without expectation. I have failed on that front for the last few months. I acted cold or else acted out in the hope I'd get to control D's behaviour towards me, but the reality is, the energy is off-putting. It's stifling and it also screams control. It feels like an exchange "I do XYZ and therefore I hope to get XYZ in return".

See that's where I have stuffed up many times. But that's ok. I forgive myself and I forget my wrongdoings. We should share not with the expectation of a response, but share because we WANT to share something with someone that comes to mind. That's where the beauty in radiance and life comes into play. Be yourself, embrace it wholly, love deeply and then let it flow into your actions with others. It's magnetic, it's charming and it's wonderfully divine! Not only does that shine brightly, but it is a beacon attracting those into your life that genuinely deserve a seat at the table.

Stop with the nerves. Stop with the control. Expect good things and good things shall come my darling.

Love hard. Love deep. It starts with you. It starts with everyday steps of joy. It starts with happiness. Choose it. Share it. Be it!

How wonderful. How divine.

I am proud of you. Of me. I love you. X

[mirrorandsea]

Resentment: a tale of letting go

A lot has happened in the last 3 months. I feel so sad that our old norm no longer is the current norm. It feels like there’s a sea between us in place of what was a lovely natural closeness. I used to feel so drawn to him and he to I; yet now all I feel is a sort of chasm of emptiness between us. Nothing but space and echoes reminding me of how sad it feels to be on the outside of something that once was so great.

Today I walked Ruby with Jess and her partner. I’ve been alone mostly since Thursday. It’s now Sunday. I’ve relished this space and time alone; it has been needed but after this morning’s walk I realise how numb I am. I don’t feel like me. Where is my light? My glow? My ethereal happiness? It is not here. I have come to quickly realise I replaced it with expectations. When D left I felt so scared that I’d lose what we had and in some ways, I started to subconsciously sabotage. I set a bar of an expectation in my mind of what I wanted and when I didn’t get it I’d energetically freak out a little. The more this happened, the more I struggled to let go and look inwards. In saying that, I did need more support from him with the move and picking a house. It happened too soon and I wish we could’ve made that process of finding a house so lovely and memorable. Not rushed, frantic and lonely. But life deals us hands we don’t expect and so we learn from them.

Here I am now feeling a bit confused, lost and blah – for want of a better word. He has been here for the last week, yet I am aware I have felt and acted so cold. I tried to be warm, to open up and start conversation but it felt scary. How god damn stupid is that? I just wanted to pick up where we left off, but instead I shut down. The first night he made an effort to talk but I didn’t try hard enough. The following nights the conversation waned. It’s like I couldn’t help but not care. I felt hurt and I was revelling in it.

A few times D was pass remarkable. Having not lived together for months, I forgot what that felt like (or how to deal with it) and took it personally. When he told me “even I know you put egg on pastry” or “don’t be so materialistic, you only listened when I said Hermes....come on”. It felt so rude, so patronising and arrogant. I especially remember being showed couches and when I told him one had free shipping he was quick to ask me did it because “you often say one thing and then it turns out to be something else”. I felt stupid. I still feel stupid now when I think of those things. It’s as if he’s chipping away at my self-worth making me feel inferior and somewhat of a dimwit.

But I assure you, I am no halfwit. I do not sit in silence feeling condemned and ashamed. I sit in anger. I have shouted fuck you under my breath many times. I’ve felt waves of anger. I’ve laughed at the idiocy of it all and pondered the adage “don’t throw stones in glasshouses D”. But then I realise, I think this man is wonderful. I did think it. I still do, deep down.

If you tear away layers of hurt, that’s when you find what’s really there. Why you do what you do. And how you really feel. So D, I forgive your sharp tongue and hurtful words. I let it all go. I refuse to carry resentment in my pocket because she weighs heavier than a tonne of breaks. I choose to accept you for you. I choose to find my “me” again. I choose radiance happiness, joy, acceptance and comfort within my own home. Within myself. There is no place for resentment or anger here. Nor is there a nook waiting to receive the burden of expectations. I cannot let my fears control our relationship. Or myself. All I can do is love me, love my life, be at home within myself and move onwards into the future knowing I am who I am and I am happy with that. 

I forgive you. I forgive me. No more resentment. No more expectations. Just radiance, joy, hard honest truths, happiness, kind eyes and a kinder heart. I choose it all.

[mirrorandsea]

Allow me to be clear

I remember that break-up well. In the following weeks I was excited and full of energy at the prospect of actually choosing what I wanted for my life. Ironically, I always had that power. But being free from a partner really opened my eyes up to the possibility of choice.

The sun shone high in the sky that day. I was happy. And I distinctly remember my friend (at that time) say to me: “You need to get clear on what you want. What does the dog look like? Is a female or a male? How old? What sort of house do you want? Manifestations require clear thoughts. Precise ones” and so I got thinking.

I knew I wanted a kelpie. I got clear on the gender, what sort of age and I certainly started to think more about the sort of house I wanted to call home. The more momentum I put behind my thoughts, the more the actions and outcomes matched what I desired.

Universe, God, the world. You are a wonderful force.

Here I am today faced with the same dilemma. So, alas, allow me to be clear.

I see $30,000 sitting in my bank account next year for a house deposit. I see myself growing immensely with a partner – the bad times push onwards becoming the good. I see hard times, but powerful change. I see the house being old with old-world charm. I see the house being in the countryside with land, peace and space to grow things. I see a rocking chair on the front porch. I see myself having a baby. I see more painted furniture. I see myself falling and being in love with someone who is not perfect, but truly loves me for me. I see new hobbies. I see myself learning to sew. I see myself learning to knit. I see myself reading more. I see myself becoming more disciplined in my work. I see myself making new lifelong friends. I see myself being happy.

Happy.

[mirrorandsea]

[mirrorandsea]

Lies

Why do we lie to the people we love? Big lies. Little lies. White lies. We lie and we do it often. When I look back at the lies I’ve told my partner I feel sick. Yet they’re not even “bad” for want of a better word.

“My parents gave me extra money, that’s how I bought XYZ...” it was a lie. They didn’t give me extra. I paid for it with my own money. I had that money myself yet I lied. 

My other lies have been equally stupid. Nothing major. Yet still lies. White lies to protect my own fragile ego. I worry about the space this could drive between us. Yet what I should focus on the most is the space this pushes between me and myself. Lies cause a disconnect. They force an awfully painful wedge between the tether to our own souls. I feel that and it makes me feel like an icky person. 

Am I sensitive? Perhaps. Am I overthinking this? Also, perhaps. Does my partner no doubt tell me white lies? Of course. Yet here I am realising it’s less about honouring my partner and more about honouring myself. 

Slow down. Speak less. Talk slower. Regroup. Refocus. Ground myself. Look after myself. Fuel and fill my own soul. And in moments with friends family, operate at a slower pace so I speak my truth from my soul rather than mindlessly blurting things out. Less reactivity. More responses. 

I’m not perfect and my Lord, I can tell you having an uncomfortable relationship with someone where conflict is discussed really is a process of refinement. It’s difficult. 

But things need to be address. Like his ADHD. We don’t discuss it. It’s as if it’s swept under a rug. And I think it’s about time I continue to honour myself, give myself grace and kindness. Stop replaying scenarios in my mind because I.AM.A.HUMAN.THAT.MAKES.MISTAKES and start being gentler. 

Grace and forgiveness is what takes us through life pushing us onwards. Being tethered to our own souls is what helps us connect with others. And finally, sometimes we’ve got to look after ourselves and our own soul connection first before being able to help encourage someone else to do the same.

D, I hope you understand that I get your ADHD issues. I’ve done my research and my reading. It’s difficult. But I truly hope you’ll let me in and will be honest to let me support you without hesitation or judgement.

I hope we make it. I trust we will. Xo