misbahhk

[misbahhk]

18th November 2020

Dear Diary,

I fucked up.. I called him agh. I shouldn’t have? But I needed to hear his voice I was dying. He’s backing home today, I know he’s gonna message me and most likely call me since he’s gonna get free with his Luton family. I really don’t mind his family it’s just his cousin you know? I think I’ve explain about him before, anyway we called this morning and it was cute he was telling me what time he’s coming back etc. I miss him so damn much ahh. I’ve just cleaned and I’m looking at my bed thinking of him, we’ve made so many memories haha

[misbahhk]

17th November 2020 part 2

Dear diary,

I wanted to write as it’s my own diary but meh, so I’ve started watching this drama called raaz e ulfat zaheda and zoozoo told me about it, did I really just say started? I mean I’ve finished it they told me about it literally a few days, a day before our “breakup” I think and they’re only midway when I’ve finished it haha. Anyways the main song of the drama just reminds me of him in every single way, i was driving earlier and in the same spot as yesterday I was going to crash again. Just thinking of him, I get lost in my own world when it comes to him, he is everything to me, my entire universe. God I just wish he knew how in love I was with him. He’s not going to see this, but this is me expressing myself. He thinks I don’t show him love the way he does. Oh only if he knew real lovers die for love, they kill, they sacrifice, they escape. Their loyalty is taken with them everywhere they go. Words can only be spoken, actions can be proven. Only if he knew this.

[misbahhk]

17th November 2020

Dear diary,

Day 3 of this reclusive and shitty day. I’m really starting to miss him, I’m starting to miss his pearly white smile when he video calls me every morning on WhatsApp, his deep sexy voice that turns me on without him even trying. His hair that I always complain about being up when I prefer it down. FUCK I miss him so bad, I hope he’s not in agony thinking about me too, I’ve been so selfish just writing about me the past 2 days.. I didn’t even think about him. Has he been eating okay? Has he been covering up when going out? Did he bring a coat with him? Oh my lord does he even have a way back home? Ah I’m starting to over think I don’t like to be his mother but what can I do I love him so much don’t I? //

I hope he’s keeping himself busy even though it aches me knowing he’s with Hassan, I have 0 trust in that guy, and I don’t trust him either when he’s with him. My gut feeling just tells me something very erm off with the guy. Whatever I don’t give a shit about him. This is about khizar, oh my lord his name has given me goosebumps only if you could see.. I could write a whole book on this boy if I could. But I need to take my makeup off I was just checking pics from zahedas dinner yesterday

[misbahhk]

16th November 2020

Dear diary,

Day 2 of this misery and I’m already twinging , how does one manage to break up with their partner feeling no remorse? Or guilt? I have no idea where I grow the balls to do it every time, I threaten him like it’s nothing. This distance is killing me, yes he has caused destruction to my dejected heart who only constantly beats for him, yes he has deceived me, yes he was unfaithful to me god damn why am I crying whilst writing this I want to scream. Yes he was a monster, but I know him, he is a mess, yet a beautiful mess. Above all I know he loves me the most, this boy adores me, I yet still have faith, no longer on him, but I have trust in my lord, he wouldn’t be this unfair on me. This is why I decided to give him another chance. Another chance.. yes like the weak woman in love I am. Love makes you frail or shall I say it made me weak? Because people in love grow together, why do I feel this way then? Why am I not seeing a change in our relationship? I love him too much to let him go, I prayed earlier to my Rab asking him to give me the ability to depart from what is bad for me. We’ll see when we speak again..

[misbahhk]

15th November 2020

Dear Diary,

It’s the first day of our non official “breakup” kind of not a breakup situation. So it’s a promise that him and I made to each other that we’d stay apart for 7 days starting from last night. I’m not sure why we decided to do this, oh actually I am, I had tried breaking up with him a few hours before this. It’s like he doesn’t get it at all, I love him with all my soul, with the deepest devotion, I love him more than I can ever write, more than a poet can ever express in their poetry. My words will never be enough to express to him that no matter how far apart we are, my endless love for him will always remain the same.

[misbahhk]

The king of my heart.

His dark brown eyes and pearly white smile. The warmth of his touch and the comfort sound of his beating heart. The softness of his hands. The tranquility in his soothing voice. The goosebumps on his skin.

He makes me feel unreal, his hands hold me down to take every fear, every broken piece of me. Dear god, I will never find the words beautiful enough to describe all that he means to me.

love cannot be put into words // @misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

Each scar engraved on my wrist tells a story but to you they scream attention. Why are you like this?

[misbahhk]

I broke my self, trying to fix you.

@misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

131011

I yearn to lie next to you. Make conversations with you when the world has had enough of my problems. When there are only 4 walls surrounding me. Yet we only meet in dreams, dreams that last a few moments, dreams that can never become reality. I guess this is it. A constant reminder that when i walk down the aisle you will not be there, holding my arm standing beside me. When I have children, whom shall they address as nana? 7 years without you. No one will ever understand.

- misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

Only fools fall in love yet we fall each time.

- @misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

I find peace within your existence.

- @misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

My Mother,

Despite the hindrances you have been through for the past 48 years, from the moment I was secure and moving around in your belly causing you ache and pain, from the time I was born you have forever been my best friend. When I began to mature you guided me like no other, you have influenced me in so many ways, from the instant you lost my father, you were brave. You stayed strong during the 19 years of my life, you have never made me feel as if I am not good enough. You are the only person who has not broken their promises to me, you are the only one that has been real. You are the only one that tells me “I love you” and means it.

your mum is your best friend// @misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

Do not expect love from me, I am numb and emotionless, stay away from me. I am danger, I am fire, I will become the poison to your perfect life. I will wreck you completely until I leave your emotions sour. I will destroy you and turn you into ashes. I will cause you suffocation without even being in your presence. Do you really need this destruction? This is all you can expect from me. I am numb, remember this.

@misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

Never will I doubt your love, I let you go with the certainty of having you in return.

@misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

Never will I doubt your love, I let you go with the certainty of having you in return.

@misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

I will remain yours, till death do us apart.

@misbxh.m

[misbahhk]

Work hard, chase your dreams. Do not let a man come in between your goals and desires.

@misbxh.m