misery-thin

[misery-thin]

🌸 day 7 🌸

yeah actually. my mom is super nice and supportive about it, but doesn't know how hard i'm restricting. my dad was pretty much like "well its about time" and then tries to make me eat pizza and other high cal stuff. they're both ok with it, but sometimes my dad tries to bring me down for it.

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🌸 day 6 🌸

of course i binge. i do it because i am sad or stressed or haven't been doing well enough. it's a way of coping with the negative effects of my other coping mechanisms

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me

🌸 day 5 🌸

well uh, im doing it partially for me, maybe 30%?? and the rest is so that other people find me attractive for the right reasons. i've been rejected before because i was a "fat girl" (when i was around 125ish pounds) and had uncomfortable unwanted advances when i was about 150ish because of my "fat ass."

i dont want a fat ass. i just wanna be small and pretty and have people be impressed by me and my dedication.

[misery-thin]

Me: All bodies are beautiful. Beauty standards are a deadly plague that virtually everyone has been a victim of in one way or another, at one point in time or another (to varying degrees). No matter what shape or size your body is, you are beautiful, and you are lovable.

Me to myself: My head on my torso looks like a Yukon Gold potato stacked on top of a Russet potato.

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Memes found on Reddit to cope

[misery-thin]

🌸 day 4 🌸

well,, the big one is making my family and friends worry. they know i've suffered with disordered eating, but they don't know about my current relapse.

the another one is accidentally triggering another friend of mine's relapse. we've been very close due to very similar traumas and we both have been diagnosed with anorexia. we've triggered relapses in each other before over losing weight and i'm worried it might happen again.

another, much more superficial one is losing my hair. i really like my hair, its super thick and wavy and i like the color. that's not actually the reason im scared to lose it though. i already tend to clog drains with my hair and then my dad might figure something's up if i lose a shit ton of it. ehh probably not tho i was diagnosed with alopoecia as a kid and told it could cause me to lose my hair again so at least i got a built in excuse :P.

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smhhh why does my life have to feel so complicated

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🌸 day 3 🌸

my thinspo,, hnmm i dont really know. anyone skinnier than me? i really just see anyone skinny and my 2 remaining brain cells beat me to a pulp.

i do have a picture of me from when i was skinnier, don't know what weight i was but i looked like this at some point and now i have the body of a troll. it's my favorite motivation .

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[misery-thin]

was it hard?

was it hard skipping the first couple of meals? extremely. i remember the hunger that felt like it caused earthquakes my first full day of fasting. the dark circles that took residence under my eyes after a week of low restriction. how i cried at night from hunger pains and how i thought i was going to have a heart attack from walking a mile.

but that was 60+ pounds ago.

now? i can fast for three days and not feel a thing. eating 500 calories makes me so full i feel like my stomach could burst. the hunger pains help me sleep at night by telling me how well i did today. is it hard going into a store and asking the worker to go to the back and get an extra small for me? is it hard looking in the mirror and having my breath taken away by the girl in the mirror? by being a living breathing reminder of my will power and control?

it’s the easiest thing i’ve ever done.

[misery-thin]

You can be 300lbs and have an ed, you can be 100lbs and have an ed.

Not all of us want to be 80lbs and not all of us want to be over 100, we want to be pretty, accepted, happy.

Your SW, CW and GW do not validate your ed.

You can eat 1,000cals a day and have an ed, you can eat 200 cals a day and have an ed.

No one can tell you that your not struggling.

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🌸 day 2 🌸

i'm 5'3! a bit on the shorter side of average.

i feel kinda conflicted on it? like on one hand being smaller than all my friends is kinda cute and they can pick me up, but on the other i can't reach high cabinets and shelves without a chair or climbing on counters....

it doesn't really matter to me that i'm never gonna have crazy long model legs because i already accepted that i'll just look ugly no matter how skinny i get!

[misery-thin]

🌸 day 1 🌸

SW : 155 lbs

CW : 130.0 lbs

BMI : 23.0

UGW : 90.0 lbs

so, in conclusion, im cringe

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my 10 year old little brother just said "you're not fat, just heavy." and elaborated by telling me that I'm overweight but not fat.

if this isn't a reason to be skinny I don't know what is.

[misery-thin]

80 cal Banana Smoothie

Ok so, I made this today when I was fucking around in the kitchen and it's so fucking good. It tastes just like a store bought mix I had the other day, which was 210 cal. It makes about 1 1/4 cups of smoothie. :)

Ingredients

1/2 banana (50 cal)

3/4 cup ice (0 cal)

1/4 cup water (0 cal)

1/2 jello sugar free pudding (30 cal)

1 tbsp sweetener (0 cal)

Steps

Just put it all in a blender and blend. You can add anything you want for flavor, it's pretty easily added to.

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🌸 Calorie Log 4/21🌸

Breakfast - 99 cal

Oatmeal - 75 cal

Peach Jam - 22 cal

Black Tea - 2 cal

Lunch - 60 cal

Sugar Free Pudding - 60 cal

Snacks - cal

Gum - 3 cal

Rice Crispy Treat - 90 cal

Dinner - cal

Chick-fil-A Grilled Nuggets - 200 cal

Limit - 750 cal

Total - 447 cal

Exercise - 103 cal

Net Total - 344 cal

It was a good day! Since I got my sweetener yesterday, I want to drink more tea. Also, I start my job to help an elementary school kid with her schoolwork. I know it's supposed to be isolation, but I wasn't asked whether I wanted to or not. At least I get to hang out at the marina all day. :)

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aaa its my first attempt at a thinspo moodboard. It's really more of a collection of thinspo, hardly a moodboard. but!! im happy with it.