mishilyuwu-blog

[mishilyuwu-blog]

no focusing on shit stuff

[mishilyuwu-blog]

it’s been four months since mother’s death, I don’t remember the single day I didn’t cry for her absence. Work actually helped me to forget about it, although it will never be the same.

It’s as if only now I feel her absence so fully. Every day I think, It should have been me, she deserved to live more than I do, her life was so difficult. I don’t see any reasons to live anymore. If not my younger brother than I don’t know what would have happened.

[mishilyuwu-blog]

I’ve lost my mother two month ago, she died from cancer in pure agony. I swear to god, I hope nobody will ever have to endure the pain she went through. She was wailing the last few days before her death, already so far away from this world. We knew she was high with all the meds we put in her, but 30 minute before her death I went to have a bath and do my French homework, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for the fact that that very night I decided to listen to my aunt and go to sleep upstairs away from her.

My aunt was with her when she died, for a month she couldn’t come back to her senses mother’s cries were repeating in her head. She was so distraught, while I felt nothing, mother was ill for some years and there were a lot of times when we thought she would die, but when it really happened it was as though… idk It felt as if it’s temporary and eventually she’ll come back home, I didn’t know it’ll be this hard without her here.

Some days ago grandma told me that mom was begging my and and her (when the pain was too much for her) to give her the death pill so that she can die peacefully. She was so embarrassed with the way she screamed from pain that she sometimes hid in the toilet for hours, and she was always at our aunt’s or grandma’s place as I couldn’t take care of her properly.

I blame myself for the fact that sometimes I didn’t visit her for weeks because of work and studies, everybody encouraged me saying “Oh, you’re such a strong person” when in fact I was so stupid to choose this instead of her. Every time we came to visit her she cried so hard she couldn’t stop, and I was so cold to her trying to pretend that I manage everything as an elder child, that she can rely on me.

We fought and argued a lot back than, but right now it all seemes to me so miserable. If only I could turn back the time. On the anniversary of her passing, as we’re told that our dad went missing, we can’t reach him for two month and he doesn’t know about the fact that mother died.

After our mother death we found out that the reason he signed the contract and went towas was that he wanted gain some money for mother’s surgery. He lied to us saying that he always wanted to join army but there weren’t any opportunities for him when he was younger. I yelled at him so much… I was crying and begging him to stay but he still went there and now he’s missing.

I have never felt so lonely in my entire life, without both of them, I don’t think life matters anymore. Even though on the outside I always laugh and smile for my brother, for my aunt and grandma, inside there’s nothing left in me.