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I miss the blood

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I kind of miss the sickness.

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I miss when I was insane. I've become dull.

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So many people I betrayed. Is long term happiness still what I deserve?

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I am soured from the inside.

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Devotion is reachable for me only though despair, and devotion is the only thing that moves me.

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Please stop fucking giving me character arcs

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Naked (1993) dir. Mike Leigh

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Entry 3

No blood to see in my pants anymore and the world is blooming onto me. I feel like conquering the world and writing poetry about it.

I'm young. I'm young. I'm young. I'm still immortal. There's so much to do, so much to say. Clarity has injected itself to my sight and I'm delighted to find out the withering is nowhere around. I too will bloom fully and when the eventual reaping comes, I will have lived enough and accept the decay with grace.

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Entry 2

11.24. Eyes are open. Not fully, but open. Made fried rice for sis. We have corn and other veggies but I want meat. Ordered fried chicken.

Now listening to grandma talking to sis about bras being obligatory. I've not been wearing one for weeks but she doesn't know. Or perhaps she doesn't care. I don't like the way she talks to sis. My body prepares for violence every time.

Done eating. Almost two. I miss everyone.

Played more with ricky. His hair has gotten longer. They're so curly. Very cute.

Now waiting for him to be done with his work. Waiting for when I can have him.

Well, apparently not tonight. I'll kill him. 1

I think I'll stop this here. Not much of importance to say for the rest of the night.

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entry 1

Woke up around 10 but it was 12.39 instead. Had an amazing bowl of shan noodles that kept me full until the evening. Fell asleep again until 16.43. Ordered boba. Finished half. Gave half to sister. Played games with ricky. Read a research paper. Talked to ricky. Swooned. Teased. Loved. Said goodnights.

On the bed now. Gonna sleep in a bit. I'll try to continue last nights dream. I revisited a very troubling memory and killed everyone involved. I imagined using kitchen knife but a machine gun felt better. The anger isn't potent enough for a devoted slice of the knife. I'm imagining the recoils of the gun. I feel so much better now.

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Music to dissociate from the pain of coding while coding

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I adored you. You were so soft, so diabolically angelic looking.