misscollmac-blog

[misscollmac-blog]

Done. So done.

I am finally fed up. Day after day night after night I feed my face with delicious foods and drinks when I'm stressed or angry, it's causing depression. I finally posted my introduction on the phit and phat page. I was so angry this night I told myself no more. I don't know if there is a single soul out there that understands what I'm going through. My thoughts get so jumbled up I can barely form a sentence to explain it. My ex husband is a rude and crude human. Obviously we're divorce because I didn't like the way he treated me. I want to talk about the way he treats our children. He tells them "you little shits" teaches them the word "mother Fucker" He has outrageousest bursts of anger which our oldest child's imitates perfectly. When I speak to him about it it's either not a problem or I'm being resentful and I'm the one to blame. I feel uneasy leaving my kids in his care. But there is no law against verbal or emotional abuse. I finally focus on being a super woman single mom who teaches her boys how to behave regardless of how their asshole father acts. My goal is to no longer fall into his trapts or react when he tries to blame me. My goal is to sit down every night, unless I am at a function or unable to, journal about myself. My life. My development. My food journal. I expect to have myself in these habits with the next 3 months.

[misscollmac-blog]

Vent

I'm going to talk about something I don't really mention too much. Being a single mom has been very difficult. There are times where it's not difficult and it's a lot of fun. A lot of fun. Sometimes I'm just tired. Sometimes I just need a hug from an adult or conversation with an adult. I get lonely at night sometimes when it's just me. There are times when I could really use a hug or conversation. It's not every night, just when I'm tired or overworked. And then of course the thoughts in my head saying to myself nobody understands. Which I know is not true. The roots of my stress have changed but there will always be stress. I choose to eat when I'm stressed because I feel empty inside. And I need to cope with that emptiness by feeling myself with food. My children are amazing people. Raising them can be difficult at times. I am very lucky however because they are healthy and smart and loving. Sometimes they don't get along most times they do get along and that's just when my heart absolutely melts and everything in the world is right. When they fight it triggers my stress. It reminds me of the emotional abuse I had to deal with for majority of my life. Whether it was arguments and fights with my brother my friends parents and my little sister.. or a bad relationship. I haven't always been the greatest at picking out boyfriends. Even when they treated me bad I always felt the need to correct them and take the pain so they could be better people. The relationship would last the same way I got treated like crap I constantly forgave them but I was miserable inside. Yeah I've been lied to pushed around stolen from, hurt, emotionally neglected only cuz I was naive or in denial. When I think of my boys growing up to be men I refuse to have them act that way towards anyone. So when they argue with each other I feel like I'm back in that bad relationship situation and it needs to stop immediately. Almost like PTSD. Because I think ahead and worry about the men they will be are they going to treat me the way I was treated? When they leave for the weekend and go to their father's house what are they seeing what are they being exposed to? It stresses me out. There is nothing I can do about what he exposes our sons to. All I can do is rise above and show them how to be a gentleman. Obviously I have to work on my own issues about the yelling in the fighting between my son's because that's normal. My reaction in my head and in my heart and my soul piercing my life. They deserve more. Just thinking about the tasks at hand today seems so daunting just regular things. Pack bags for the kids weekends and their lunches for the babysitter... put away the laundry to go food shopping.. then there is of course my neglected flower and vegetable gardens. The front and back yard need to be mowed I need to pay my bills. I have to make adult phone calls, 2 clear my name of medical bills because i had 2 insurances. my cell phone barely works and almost never has a reception. I don't have a landline. So instead of figuring out my problems I run to the bathroom and I blog about these problems to get it off my chest and out of my head. Because I really don't have anybody to talk to about them. I feel like it hurts me so much and if I really told somebody how I felt I would just scare them away, or hurt them. So after that it's all been said I will finish with this, I am so happy that I got divorced I am so happy that I live in my own house I am so happy I have a job and a car and I can provide for my kids. I'm very thankful for the abundance the universe gives me. I don't know where I would be right now if I was still married. The pain was unfathomable, no human should have to feel like that. Yes I am comparing to what it was like being married versus single and all these little problems are absolutely worth it.

[misscollmac-blog]

24 hr plan

So for breakfast I ate my premade eggs on a wrap with 2 cups if coffee

I didn't plan any further. When I got to work I craved candy, ate a small mini kitkat and mini reeses cup. Then remembered My plan wasn't finished.

For lunch I will eat my shredded chicken with saltine crackers. Water, and possibly coffee with milk. Then I will eat 1 piece of fruit.

For my evening snack I will eat 2 pieces of fruit.

If I am hungry when I get home I will heat up frozen veggie burgers.

My plan is important to me. I will update as I go along.

So I added a handful of peanut m&ms to my lunch. Feeling alright, just wanted to try the new flavor. I didnt put much thought into it.

I had grapes and strawberries for snack. Afyer i got gome i was hungry so I ate my veggies burgers, wit cheese on bread, 2 spoonfuls of mac and cheese, and thr cookie my son brought home from the diner. So what triggered me? Stress. My younger son has been sick for 9 days. I came home to home mopey on the couch complaining of ear pain, stomach ache and no fever. I get an instant rush when he moans out whines. That spikes my stress. So i head to the kitchen and eat. Like if that couls hide me from my obligations. As if it can improve the situation. I have always turned to food when stressed. Blogging is helping me cope and get to the bottom of my issues.

[misscollmac-blog]

Missing in action. Since my return from vacation. My son has been sick with fever and stomach pain. I have not even made the slightest effort to get myself on a 24 hour plan or journal. This is my stress telling me I can't do it. I am a stress eater. I just need to make 1 step in the right direction for motivation to start rolling again. I haven't stepped on the scale. But I can feel my clothes getting snug. It is embarrassing and uncomfortable. I want to live my life for me. Stop the argument, and say to myself that's the old me.

[misscollmac-blog]

Way too long

Well, my vacation was fucking fabulous. I knew not journaling or watching what i ate would make me gain. So no surprise there. Plus Aunt flo is messing up my life right now. All in all I got back on track today. Stayed home with my kids, little one had a fever. But I didn't eat much off plan plus managed to get the kids to snack less. I need an accurate scale. I have a dial and digital. The dial one is too small, the digital one lies. In due time.

[misscollmac-blog]

Food journal 6.3

Breakfast, oatmeal with protein powder 2 cups of coffee. Fasted for over 12 hours. Big bottle of water .

Climbed the 10 flights of stairs. Ip and down

Lunch, kale salad mix with my broccoli and eggs 1 large bottle of water.

Dinner protein yogurt, 3 strawberries, apple with 1 small container of pb and a banana.

I am craving dark chocolate. I would love a small piece to munch on... I am a week away from.my.period. sunday i was so sleepy. Friday i was sad. Today i have energy, and I feel good. Saturday i had pain between my legs. So i iced myself.

Now its 830 at night and I want sweets. I ate a small cup of carvel chocolate ice cream topped with toasted coconut flakes, 2 handfuls of mini choc chips, 5 Ghirardelli melting chips, 2 slices of choc chip bread topped with 2 large spoonfuls of pb and a handful or animal crackers.

I am feeling okay with this choice. I know i won't lose weight like this. A moment of weakness. It felt like a thirst in my mouth but not for water. I feel like I could have satisfied this craving with a distraction like a pnp podcast. Or meditation. A shower. I can eat in a more controlled manner.

[misscollmac-blog]

How to bounce

Last night I was feeling rushed and anxious. I ended up eating a cup of mac and cheese with 2 beers. I did not go out as I had thought. But watched a movie instead. I slept in today. Up to 198.2 I took a long walk beach side then meditated. All in all I fasted until 11am.. Having oatmeal with my 2 cups of coffee. Little water. But that will change. I also am having PMDD symptoms. My hands are swollen, I am holding water.

[misscollmac-blog]

A bad day, but good outcome

I had a busy morning yesterday but for breakfast I ate oatmeal with the protein powder and almond milk and trail mix with two cups of coffee and almond milk. 1 large bottle of water. Took a walk around the block with my kids before work.

I had to deal with an issue at work which made me feel upset so I didn't walk the stairs but I still ate a sensible lunch. Kale salad can chicken and 2 cuties. I drank 2 large bottles of water. At first I thought I might be tempted to eat sweets when a co-worker mentioned cookies but I quickly denied it and remembered where I wanted to be. Another co-worker bought me a cup of coffee and they used a sweet hazelnut flavoring as a tasty treat instead.

For dinner I had yogurt with protein powder blueberries and a banana with a small container of peanut butter.

I was feeling miserable and all I could think about was jumping on my bike and peddling out my frustrations so I did. 40 minutes of a hard bike workout. Followed by two large bottles of water and a big bowl of air popped popcorn with two and a half or three tablespoons of melted butter and white cheese flavoring. I stepped on the scale Saturday morning and I was down 4 oz. I think it would have been a bigger drop if I didn't eat the popcorn so late, but that's all right. I still kicked ass. Saturday morning I ate three eggs topped with salsa and a Sprinkle of shredded cheese on top of a 90 calorie flat wrap. Two cups of coffee the first was with almond milk and the second was with 1% low-fat milk. I drank a large bottle of water. A few hours later for lunch I heated up a cup full of macaroni and cheese followed by and a red apple and a big bottle of water. Now it's 6:30 I ate two turkey burgers with a half a slice of cheese on a 90 calorie flat wrap. With a bottle of water. I might be seeing some friends later in the night. I'm going to save the rest of my eating for alcoholic beverages.

[misscollmac-blog]

Get down baby

Down 5lbs. 197.8!

[misscollmac-blog]

Down on pounds

Down to 202.8, another 4lbs

Breakfast, oatmeal with trailmix 2 cups of coffee 1 large bottle of water

Stairs, 10 fligjts up and down. Up 2:30min 1 large bottle of water

Lunch chicken and kale salad, 4 cuties large bottle of water and baby carrots. I feel good. I was hungry and now I feel satisfied. I have energy and my mood is good

Edit to add

Dinner I wasnt very hungry but thirsty and tired. I ate greek protein yogurt, blueberries, strawberries a banana with small container of PB. It was only 615pm and returned to the OR to finish my shift. I ended up working up to the very last min in a stressful room. On the drive home I thought about a cold beer, some chips or pretzels to go along with it. I was worn out by the time I put the boys to bed. I wanted food. A big meal or a cup of ice cream to reward my hard work. Instead i cut up an apple and ate it with PB. Then listened to a pnp fb live. I got a lot out of that and realized my emotional hunger was talking not my stomach. I finished another large bottle of water b4 I left work.

I avoided water so long bc u didnt want to be inconvenienced to pee. But if I drink at certain times I can go to the br when I am on break at work. I always feared Water bc I work in an OR and it's not like I can just walk away from a surgery. I stopped my fear by thinking about, how can i do this? So I did.

I did it. Now keep going.

[misscollmac-blog]

Food journal

Breakfast- oatmeal with protein powder, 2 cups of coffee

Lunch- kale salad mix, with canned chicken, 4 cutie oranges. 1 banana Feeling good. I walked 10 flights of stairs before lunch. I could usr some more water. I will get a refill, drank my 2nd large bottle.... finished my refil before going back to work.

Dinner-greek yogurt with protein powder, grapes, blueberries and 2 large strawberries.

Got home from work, showered then put kids to bed. Felt like picking on food so I had an apple and spoonful of PB. The thing is I wasn't feeling terribly hungry, just missing something. It is a strange feeling to come home from work and not eat. Now that I read this, I realize that it's totally okay.

Down 4 lbs

[misscollmac-blog]

Typical morning

I am feeling stress and anxiety. My kids are making constant noise, play, play fighting and fighting. I am trying to see the good in all of it. My older son is "mopping" and younger son is popping and refusing a diaper change. I am worrying about money and my budget. Stressing over an app I barely use, that will help me. I am looking for a sweet snack, and chose to sit and journal instead. I am living pay check to pay check. Single mother income with child support. My son's are so young. I need a 2nd job but I can't yet. I work so hard already that if I get another job I may just lose my mind forever. I have little to no rest time for myself. I cherish the little I do. I fill it will errands sometimes but mostly with dates, friends, outdoor activities and such. My budget issue is I overspent. So my cards are not maxed out, but I made a few mistakes. I learned. Right this minute I feel uneasy, mindless. If I could just have 5 minutes to meditate, I could reset. I have 2 boys yelling and playing, how does one fill their own cup?

[misscollmac-blog]

My food journal

Breakfast, 2 cups of coffee with almond milk, overnight oats with protein powder. 1 big bottle of water. I waited until 9am or so to eat. That makes my overnight fast around 14 hours.

Lunch was eaten at 2:20pm. I was feeling tired and hungry. Work was busy. .05 bag of kale salad mix with sunflower seeds, cranberries and dressing, 1 can of chicken and 3 cuties. 1 large bottle of water. 1 cup of coffee with half and half. I walked 10 flights of stairs before lunch up and down.

615pm light snack. Not feeling terribly hungry but I feel the need to eat bc at work i am not always granted a break. However I also fear the evening at home with the boys. I leave at 7pm and I am thinking if I don't eat now I may not eat later. Which is a lie. I am telling myself this lie bc home life is stressful. And I fear hunger. But I have felt real hunger before and it is not that bad. On monday I fasted for over 16 hours. I will have to learn to listen to my body's needs instead of wants. 2 Large strawberries, handful of grapes, 1 apple with a small container of peanut butter. Large bottle of water

Edited to add: 9pm I avoided stress eating tonight. I ate my protein yogurt and blueberries. I did eat infront of the tv which is a no no. But I feel satisfied, and happy. I chose to stay in control.