missdbrill

[missdbrill]

19.07.25

Back from 1 week in Ibiza with Danny. What a fantastic holiday and anazing place

We stayed at Anfora Ibiza in Es Cana and loved it. I had low expectations going after the Dubai holiday but actually he was fun, attentive and caring. As difficult as he can be sometimes as a partner, he does have so many good qualities. We do get on so well. Sadly the physical side of things still seems to have taken a dive. But I did talk to him about it at least and he said his desire for sex is not a reflection of how attracted he is to me. And to be fair he is consistent in that he hasn't always wanted loads of sex. Just sometimes a bit more on my terms would be nice. But overall he was great company and did make me feel very loved without sex. Which is actually really lovely.

He is thoughtful, kind and patient. He definitely has some sensory issues and got stressed about the sand at times. But ultimately I do really love him. We do seem to really work as a couple and I like it. It was nice to have some good chats with him as well, he definitely loosens up a bit after a drink.

And if feel so safe with him.

I wish he would truly choose me though. I want this.

[missdbrill]

21.06.25.

I was supposed to see him at 2pm. I turned up at 2.30 and was met with coldness as he had sent me a message postponing because he is too tired.

So we aren't seeing each other again then. This isn't love at all. To see your girlfriend after 3 weeks and have that reaction. Like we were strangers. Guess we are now.

[missdbrill]

Like a dagger to my heart. Last saw him 01.06.25 for 4 hrs. This was 15.06 25. But ag least he apologised I guess. I just want a cuddle.

[missdbrill]

8.6.25

I keep reminding myself I will be fine when he leaves yet after everything why do I still obsess over him? Why does it feel like he is still meant to be mine. Am I just wanting to feel chosen? Does he even truly love me? Oh jeez I am so tired of all this.

Abby reminding me yesterday about the time at Folkstone when he wouldn't let me get my own ice cream. And the time in Italy. He is kind of controlling and throws a massive tantrum when he doesn't get his own way. Remembering the silent treatment all the way home from Folkestone. Why do I want this man?? Last holiday in Dubai kind of sucked with him as well. I have issues.

[missdbrill]

Also I need to remember I am disappointed not angry or sad. Just disappointed that I've been met down yet again.

[missdbrill]

05.06.25

The hits keep coming. The universe is showing me more facts. I come across a post on a Benidorm jobs page where Danny posted on 05.01.25 about moving to Spain. Someone tells him it's near impossible so Danny jokes about marrying a Spainish girl. Spainish girl Lorrany Lima comments and says you can marry me, joking. He replies oh you just nade my dreams and took it away all at once. Checked fb and they are facebook friends.

What the hell.

I genuinely thought Danny was at least trustworthy and loyal. Turns out he's not even that. He has no respect for me at all. Guess that explains why we didn't see each other the first 3 weeks of Jan. He is desperately seeking other options.

He is friends with Lisa Marie Woodrough again on Facebook too since Sunday. The person who is supposedly a nobody who his mate Dave dated briefly years ago. And they follow each other on instagram. I guess he is the same after all. It's all been a lie and too good to be true. Which I knew deep down. He treats me like crap. The amount of disrespect I have allowed in this relationship is embarassing. But he makes me feel like a family with the kids. It is nice to have someone. He still came over Sunday for 4 hrs just to hang with me and the kids. I don't really understand what he wants.

But now I have the upper hand and I truly see how mucb he is devalueing me I need to detach. I need to remind myself I am better than this and me and the kids will be ok. One last holiday together in July. Maybe he is thinking the same thing.

It was just another chapter. I am so tired.

[missdbrill]

2.06.25

Things I have lost in this relationship:

My sanity

Feeling wanted and safe

Feeling loved

Consistency

My confidence

My sex appeal

Peace

Trust

Zero compliments

Feeling wanted and needed

Feeling special

Feeling chosen

Money

Cried so so much

Feeling alone all the time

No one to lean on

Myself

Things I want to find again:

Emotional safety and security

Feeling wanted and needed

Feeling special

Consistency and reliability

Feeling loved

Deserving of love and being looked after

Refocus on me and the children

[missdbrill]

01.06.25

The day the love died.

Danny sent me a long message the other day about his plans for the future, a business plan he had in mind and moving to Spain. I sent him messages back about how I would want to make it work if he did etc. Of course radio silence back.

Today Sunday 1st June he comes over. We have a great time with the kids having a water fight and stuff. Then they go off to play and I ask him about his business plan. Silence. Then I ask him about making it work if he moved to Spain. He literally snapped and was like how would it work. I cried and walked off. Come back after calming down and again try to speak to him. He says I'm annoying him by crying. Literally spends 10minutes full on ignoring me. I even apologise for crying but state obviously I love him and have emotions involved. Still ignoring me. I then try to diffuse the situation by having a tickle fight. Which works. Then directly ask him if he'd rather be single to sort his life out as he doesn't seem to have time for a relationship. He tells me to chill. Tells me he will tell me when he knows. Like literally who have I become. Begging for his attention and love. It's awful. Being treated like this, ignored all the time. Feeling like I'm only a convenience. I hate it. I hate him for doing this to me. What am I thinking accepting the vare minimum like this. I need to get a grip.

[missdbrill]

347 days.

Life is too painful and too hard.

I'm so fed up.

All I want more than anything in the world is to be loved and looked after. What a waste.

[missdbrill]

11.5.25

Waking up alone in an empty house. Not a soul here. It's strange. I miss Loons. I need a cuddle. My boyfriend chose to be at home alone than have me come over. Why? What does that even mean.

I need a cuddle and I want to be loved. That's all. I should be snuggled up to him not alone. I am so tired of being alone. Of feeling rejected and unwanted. Why am I with someone who never ever asks to see me. It's bizaare. Who always says no when I want to make plans. Well I seem to have 2 boyfriends depending on what mood he is in. Sometimes I feel so loved. Sometimes I feel so alone. I don't get it.

365 days.

What can happen.

[missdbrill]

Feelings are nothing but trouble.

Today 5th May 2025 I declare to start acting more like a rock. Stocism. Nothing can affect me. I'm so tired of feeling hurt, rejected and sad.

I had a great couple of weeks with Danny and I knew it had to come to an end. He was so supportive and caring and loving through the whole Loons saga. I felt SO loved. I felt so close to him. Roll around this weekend and all I want to do is make plans for Blake's bday and he ignored me and calls me annoying. Like seriously. I knew it would push his buttons but it shouldn't. All I want to do is make plans. Granted he came over yesterday for breakfast at ours as requested and then tk the dessert cafe. Blake is absolutely made up that he is here so that makes my heart happy. But he is cold and distant towards me. Almost resentful. I don't know. I'm so tired of the almighty highs and the almighty lows.

Then there's Loons. 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It feels like I lose him over and over again. I forget or it doesn't seem real. I honestly can't believe I will never cuddle amd stroke him again. I feel like I couldn't relate to any other cat. Like they wouldn't speak 'our' language. Me and Loons got each other. He understood me. I miss him beyond belief.

Then there's the whole house sale. I don't know what the hell yo do, what to buy, where to live. It's too much to do on my own. The pressure feels immense. I don't want to screw this up. What is best for the kids? For me? I don't know. One minute I want to run as far away as possible from HL, the next it feels like my safe place. The place that will keep me sane.

Then Abbys moving to Oz. What will I do without her. My only true friend on here.

I don't want to feel anything anymore. I've had enough.

[missdbrill]

My darling Loons. I can't stop thinking about that final time you were alive. 11pm on the Friday night. I checked on you and you were sitting and staring at me when I came in. I didn't turn the big light on as I didn't want to disturb you too much. I had my phone torch on. I saw your sweet face. So alert. Im hindsight you didn't seem sleepy or that I had woken you. Were you uncomfortable/in pain? I thought it was a good sign you had jumped up onto the sofa. I stroked your sweet head and said 'good boy Loons'. Thinking you were recovering. I should have sat with you for longer but I didn't want to disturb you.

When I left the room and looked back you were just staring at me. What were you thinking? Did you know? Did you need me?

I am glad that was our final memory though. There's something so poignant about it. We had such a great connection Loons. I look for you all the time. Stay by my side. I hope you are ok. I am so grateful I had 15 years of loving you. I miss your presence so much. I will never be the same again. My heart has a constant ache. I love you Loons. With all my heart xxxxxx

[missdbrill]

I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget anything about our lives together. Our routines. The way you followermd me from room to room. Came in when I was on the toilet. Sat with me when I was hanging up the washing upstairs. Why didn't I document more??? I thought I was and I didn't. I don't have videos of you asking for food, walking around or meowing. I don't want to forget your voice. The way you used to forget you had food in your bowl. The way you used to try and trip me up on the stairs. The way we played in the garden with me throwing oegs for you to chase. The way you got up and down off the rocking chair and I could hear from upstairs as it banged on the wall. Your sofa snuggles. The way you laid next to me as I worked. The way you knew I had opened a tin of tuna. Your kisses on my face. Your licks on my arm. The way you washed yourself so beautifully. Your coat was so soft and shiny always. Your blinky kisses.

I miss you Loons. Are you ok? I miss you with every ounce of my being. Should I move from this house? Will you come with me? Will our memories still live on in the rocking chair and the sofa and the bed? Even if I leave this house. I will take the doormat you always scratched your claws on. I will keep that. I love you Loons. I hope I showed it enough. I'm sorry life got in the way sometimes. I hooe we spent enough time together.

[missdbrill]

I miss you Loons.

I can't stop thinking about the beautiful blinky kisses you have me in the car on the way home from the vets. Thank you so much for that. You always loved a car ride. I'm so glad that's one of my last memories of you.

I hope you didn't suffer. I'm sorry I left you in the hallway when you couldn't walk. I wasn't sure what was best. I thought not moving you was best. Now I wish I had put you back on your rocking chair one last time.

I'm so glad you had one last sleep on the sofa though. I hope you weren't in pain.

I have work today. Without you by my side. What am I supposed to do. For the first time ever I will be truly alone in this house. My heart just aches. I wish it was a week ago. I wish you were still here. I hate how time is just marching forward. I want to kiss you one more time. Stroke your sweet head.

I love looking at all our photos. We had a great life together didn't we Loons? Stay with me. Please stay close. I need you.

[missdbrill]

I love you so mucn Mr Loons. Thank you for 15 years of wonderful memories. Looking back at our photos we did so much together. Thank you for coming into my life and makeing it so much better. Thank you for always being by my side, for all the snuggles and cuddles. You were the sweetest boy. I loved our rocking chair cuddles, our sofa snuggles and laying together in the garden.

I loved your miaows and somehow I didn't get a single video of that. I will never hear your miaows again 💔 I can't believe that. Thank the lord I have your beautiful purring video. I thought I was doing better taking photos and videos if you but I wasnt. I wish Inhad so much more. I want videos of yoir crazy zoomies up and down the hall, of you laying in the sun in mine and April's bedrooms. I want videos of you asking for your dinner. Such a simple regulat moment that I will never get to see again. I can't believe this. I really can't. Stay with me Loons, be my guardian angel, please. I was only meant to be yours. My sweet darling boy. What ana amazing connection we had. I will never forget the day you came home after being lost for a week. 8 years ago. Thank the lord I got 8 more years with you by my side. It still wasn't enough. I love you so much. I miss you. I hope you are safe and painfree. I hope you still feel my love. You were my world.

[missdbrill]

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

My darling boy Loons. You saved me so many times. I wish I could have saved you.

[missdbrill]

21.04 21

It's been 48hrs since that fateful moment I found you passed away in the living room next to your litter tray. Lunar, my heart is shattered into a thousand pieces. How does this pain ever stop.

I need you. I miss you. I'm so sorry I didn't take you to the vets sooner. I am a selfish idiot. I was too worried about costs than your life. You meant the world to me. The absolute world and I took that for granted.

I hope you know how much I loved you. I'm sorry I didn't always give you enough attention. I'm sorry life got in the way.

I will never forget that final car ride home together from the vets. You looked so content. The beautiful blinky eye kisses you were giving me 💔 I knew you trusted me with your entire being. And I let you down.

I wish I had slept with you in the living room. You shouldn't have had to pass like that all alone. I hope you weren't stressed. I hope I hadn't caused you stress with the viewings. You know I would have loved and looked after you wherever we had gone. As long as we had each other we were always ok.

I don't know how to do life without you. I truly don't. Home isn't home without you. How do I move house knowing all the memories we had here. I will never give up your rocking chair. Stay with me there. I won't hoover it again. That's our chair Mr Loons. I love you so so so much. I wish we had more cuddles. Gofld I wished I had kisswd and cuddles you more that last day. I thought you were so poorly you would prefer space.

I'm so glad I checked on you at 11pm. You seemed better. I thought you were healing as you had made it onto the sofa. Oh my boy. Why did you have to go like this. I would give anything for 5 more mins with you. I am so broken.