misselizabethtudor - Tumblr blog

[misselizabethtudor]

a post to document what i accomplished in 2020. i usually only post when i’m sad, but i could use something nice to look back on when i’m feeling down about myself.

- picked yoga back up including (2) 30 day challenges

- lost approximately 10 pounds

- formed a healthy relationship with food. finally less guilt after eating unhealthy items and listening to my body when it comes to nutrition. this is huge & i hope i don’t lose it

- drank wayyyy less. did (2) fully dry months and pulled back in total

- worked really fucking hard on communication with my partner

- learned to cook at beginner/intermediate level

- read ~7 books. i might have read more but i didn’t make this a priority. better than nothing tho

- went on a bunch of hikes!

- participated in protests for BLM, donated to social justice groups, read/watched material to better educate myself, & organized a round table for my team at work on diversity & inclusion

- volunteered every saturday for the first two months of the year with the urban ecology center (precovid). helped with an outdoor fall program as well

this post is dedicated to my papou. it’s been 6 months since his passing. i think about him all the time and i miss him so much. he was not just my grandfather, but a close friend. may his memory be eternal.

[misselizabethtudor]

The answer is yes

Today my dad asked if it’d be better if we didn’t have a relationship after a blow out argument in the car. I often forget I’m arguing with a person whose perseption is not reality. In the heat of the argument, I told him to pull over so I could walk home. He sped the car up. So like a crazy person arguing with a crazy person, I threw open the car door and kept yelling to pull over.

A relationship with my dad is just me serving this person and having my heart broken over & over. There are times when it seems like he’s finally getting better. When he’s finally making better steps and seems to be getting himself under control. I then feel guilty for the times I jokingly called him crazy or I even start to feel remorse for having such a jaded view of him in my mind.

But then there are days like today. Where he blatantly lies to my face. Where he starts arguments with me no matter how hard I try not to engage. Where he tells me that I take what he says the wrong way because I’m a woman. Where he tells me that I need to seek help (he knows I’m in therapy, already).

My dad lives with my grandparents. After a series of bad choices, he can no longer afford to support himself. After this car argument, my dad dropped me back off at my grandparents house and I came in crying. I tried to keep it together, but I couldn’t. And what’s sad is that this is their everyday life. They know what I’m experiencing because they live with it. They’re in their 80s and still caring for a man in his 50s. My grandma made a comment that maybe his brain is just like this now after his drug days. His drugs days were only 2 years ago, btw.

I’m going to end here because this makes me very tired. And my tears have stopped for now.

[misselizabethtudor]

Everything you do hurts

[misselizabethtudor]

Now THAT’S the tea

[misselizabethtudor]

Life’s too short to be good

[misselizabethtudor]

If all of my pain was to eventually help another person find comfort, then maybe it was all worth it.

[misselizabethtudor]

My continued struggle with loneliness has lead me to work from a coffee shop on this gloomy Labor Day

[misselizabethtudor]

If you're still breathing, you're the lucky one. Most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

Daughter

[misselizabethtudor]

"Do you ever wish you could forget?" "This pain is all I have left of him"

[misselizabethtudor]

I don't know how to be someone you'll miss.

[misselizabethtudor]

[misselizabethtudor]

I welcome the intrusion - something to relieve the loneliness.

[misselizabethtudor]

I'm living like there's no tomorrow because there isn't one

[misselizabethtudor]

Whether it's real or not is irrelevant. The consequences are the same.

[misselizabethtudor]

The (500) Days of Summer attitude of “He wants you so bad” seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt (x)

um this i think describes someone really well..

[misselizabethtudor]

[misselizabethtudor]