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[missevelynpierce]

Quick tip: When your sub is sad or depressed, ask them if they need more of your dominance or less of it.

Some subs will want you to be really present and consistent with your structure and leadership so that they feel taken care of and have the motivation to keep going.

Others will want to take a step back from submitting so that they can let go of pressure and focus on self care.

If they want more: Be firm but kind. Remind them of their rules and responsibilities (more than once if necessary). Remind them of their rewards and consequences. Praise them a lot when they follow through.

If they want less: Reassure them that it's okay to take a break every once in a while. Make sure they know they aren't letting you down, and that you'll be ready to take control whenever they are feeling up to it.

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Names.

I have been guilty of using real names in kink spaces, quite possibly because my real friends and my kink circles have blurred quite a bit.

I was at a scene friend’s home the other week and used a mutual friend’s real name in conversation to someone I never met before (who is also friends with that person). While they know my intent wasn’t harm, they informed me that using a real name when that person is not present can be seen of as a consent violation, as this can unintentionally “out” someone.

I’ve been in the scene for years and this felt like a rookie mistake. It made me feel like a total imposter and I really beat myself up feeling like I could have done better and I should have done better.

Me personally, it’s very hard for me to introduce myself by my scene name. It feels weird and awkward to introduce myself as anyone other than me - as it feels less real. My husband and my boyfriend both are struggling with the same things right now. I actually ordered a name tag pin

that I will be wearing at events. This (hopefully) will help me reinforce utilization of the scene name and help serve as a reminder that in those spaces, respecting one’s identity and privacy is of utmost importance.

I need to do better and there are people I know in the scene who could truly lose a ton if they are outed in any way. We must protect and respect our friends. If they’ve trusted you with their real name, the least you can do is honor their identities and their preferences.

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The Brat.

I met him in high school so many years ago. He was popular and was kind of that classic “bad boy” out of an ‘80s movie. Think of James Spader’s character from Pretty In Pink. He was popular and would never be seen with someone like me. I was kind of like Molly Ringwald’s character. A bit nerdy and quirky and definitely not popular. He was kind of a dick, but he was hot - dark hair, dark eyes, and I sensed this other darkness in his energy that ignited something in me. He was in with the theater geeks and he was also a writer; he was the only one I knew that used a refillable Parker pen. I seem to remember these details.

An interlude in college where I got to be a bit of a bitch to him turned the tables and felt good. I was waiting for the bus and he complimented my pedicure. He asked if I had some time to hang out and I essentially rejected him. I still remember the shade of nail polish I was wearing from that day. The whole ride home I was a little flushed. And there’s the almost interlude a few years later when his book was published and I almost went to a reading at a local bookstore. I had my first aura induced migraine on my way there, so I went home. 

A few years later, through the magic of social media, he connected to me as all the high school friends that were long forgotten all washed ashore in the digital realm. 

He sent a message. I was living with an ex at the time in a relationship that was falling apart. He commented on my feet and confessed his years-long crush on me and never had the nerve to say anything about it. This made me really happy, and we continued to talk. The conversations getting increasingly explicit. One day, we made plans to meet up at a local bar and he called me and asked if I could just go up to his apartment so he could suck on my toes. Nope. I wasn’t going to do that. He got pissy and whiny and I was more concerned about safety - I hadn’t actually seen him since college, and it wasn’t my nature to just go to someone’s place. I craved authentic connection and didn’t want to be his kink dispenser. 

I got annoyed and unfriended him. A couple of more years would go by before it would really begin. 

I was in another relationship, and now he moved far away, and we picked right back up. There's something about physical distance that allows one to go harder and deeper when expressing desires. He told me the things that he wanted me to do to him. I told him some early childhood stories that involved feet, and he had similar experiences. We would soon call each other brother and sister. The conversations got even more explicit and I would be getting pedicures weekly, sending him foot pics, buying new shoes and sending video clips of me putting them on. I would get a thrill teasing him relentlessly. I had a boyfriend at the time and mastered the art of discretion and would thrill at rubbing myself thinking of the brat as the boyfriend snored beside me.

Soon, our conversations would run late into the night. He’d soon offer himself as a slave to me and tell me the stories of his earlier experiences as a slave. He had girlfriends who beat him and he loved it, he once had a Domme who was a well-known professor, a few pro-Dommes, and others from the club scene that he was gladly a human carpet for. He told me that it’s very rare to find someone with the raw energy and the natural propensity for kink that I have. That I know it’s not about pure impact; that the power of wordplay and the intuitive understanding of power dynamics and exchange is what makes me authentic. 

And this is what truly set me on my path. 

I would continue playing with the boyfriend I had at the time, and the physical kink that that relationship already had got amplified. I felt myself claim my power and then realized that I deserved a hell of a lot better than someone who was unemployed and who would never satisfy my needs. I dumped him then booked a flight to visit the brat. After 7 years of maintaining an online long distance relationship, I would finally get the nerve to play with him in person. It had to happen. There was no stopping this.

This was my rebirth. 

This was my transformation. 

When he knocked on my door, I hugged him. Tight. And kissed him, long. 

We just talked for hours, reminiscing and actually getting to spend time with each other, because despite all the years, we haven’t had any true conversations. It felt so good to talk and to feel understood. The familiarity and all the connections with people and places we grew up with. It was nice to share stories and connect. 

And once night fell, I would make him clean my sand crusted sandals and would press my feet into his face. He’d get super bratty and I’d slap him and spit on him, and all those things, until I finally sat on his face smothering him, making him eat my ass and my pussy. I was on the verge of climax and then he said:

“I dare you to piss on me.” Something about the dare, just did something to me. I grabbed him, went to the bathroom, commanded him to lay down in the shower, and then released all over him. I felt electricity everywhere out of every nerve ending in my body. It was intense, powerful, and I knew I was never going to be the same. 

This was only the beginning. And nearly 20 years later, he still frustrates the shit out of me, and despite time and distance, he always returns.

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Thoughts on growing as a dominant.

This is a thing I've been thinking about for a long time. One of the best ways for me to clarify my own thoughts is to try and write them down. I write mostly for myself, but maybe it will help someone else along the way.

Being a dominant is innate. I have no idea if it's born into us, or the product of early learning, but I can look back and see it was always there, at least by my teens. I didn't think of myself as a leader, but others seemed to see it in me. All the times there was something hard that needed doing or a difficult choice to make, and people turned to me as if that was the obvious thing to do. The way I was always the one to figure out plans and logistics for group trips. But it took many years before I connected the dots and saw the patterns and began to realize what I am.

But, while BEING a dom is innate, being good at it is learned.

When I first began to introduce dominance into a loving relationship, I made a LOT of mistakes. Did things I cringe to think about. But I learned from them. And I'm continuing to learn. I expect to never stop learning. And my best teachers have been submissives. Especially some of those who write here about the their lives and relationships. The late and much missed @submissive-seeking was a powerful influence. Others like @cherishedproperty and @amysubmits have also been valuable to me.

It seems to me that any conscientious dom who wants to be the best dom possible should be seeking to learn from submissives. They are, after all, the best authorities on their own experiences and the workings of the submissive mind.

And I would frankly worry about a dom who thought he had it all figured out and had nothing left to learn. I rather think that some of the bad behavior, online and in person, occurs not so much from ill intent as from guys who have just figured out they are dominants but have prematurely stopped learning about it. Guys who think that the mere fact of being a dom, of knowing you are a dom, means you have nothing left to learn about it.

So, I make no claims to being an expert on this stuff and won't try to tell others how they should or must behave, except to say "Never think you know it all". Don't stop learning and accept that submissives in general, and especially the submissives you interact with directly, can be your very best teachers.

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For submissives who fear being a "burden".

Note: This post was stimulated by one from @daidi-dragan-glas with a similar theme. It's his pinned post and worth seeing.

I've seen posts by or about submissives who fear "being a burden" to a dominant. Who worry that their submissive needs, their anxiety issues, their self-esteem issues, or whatever, might be "too much" for their dominant.

I've also seen submissives who are struggling with something and keep that from their dominant because they don't want to "burden" him with that.

One way of answering that is to say you aren't a burden. But I'll say it a little differently. You are exactly the burden we want.

I can't speek for all doms and I won't presume to say what a "real" dominant feels, but the kind of dominant I am CRAVES that burden. We crave all the burdens. Whether it's the literal burden like your heavy suitcase or the metaphorical burden of your fears and anxieties, or the burden of planning for our travel together or our joint finances, doing what we are able to do to take on those burdens makes us feel fulfilled.

You know how you feel when you play your submissive role, giving us pleasure, looking up to us, allowing us to lead? Playing your role as a submissive makes you feel complete. Well, for me and other doms like me, taking on those burdens completes us in very much the same way. It's doing what we were meant to do.

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Hair.

All of us struggle with body image. I know that I gained more than a few pounds during the pandemic and despite going to a trainer, I feel like little progress is being made.

But honestly, the thing I’m most conscious about though, aside from the extra pounds (all my lovers say my body is amazing, even though I don’t feel it) - is body hair. 

This all started when one ex from college gently told me that I needed to “trim the hedges” and it made me feel awful. My hair down there is thin and I never thought I was particularly “bushy,” but this guy seriously made me hyperfocus on that. He was the first to go down on me, and said that he liked “smooth.” I started trimming and shaving and using a hand mirror to see how it looked. And still, it wasn’t bare enough for him, and I was too nervous to go get it waxed (it was still the ‘90s and waxing places were not nearly as common as they are now). He eventually broke up with me because oral was his “specialty” and it “just wasn’t going to work out.” 

Ouch. 

And so, I still trimmed and landscaped a bit and many years later, another partner who also was a self-confessed oral specialist (he was the first one to give full service if you know what I mean) encouraged me to go for my first Brazilian and I did. It was a little painful, but I felt super sexy after (and the butt strip helped a lot). Being bare made my lingerie feel slicker, hotter, and it definitely enhanced oral, but I felt awkward being completely exposed and bare like that. 

This partner did not like body hair at all and shaved his body hair as well. He was also intensely self-conscious of his cock and while he saw all of me, I never saw him fully naked, and he was not into penetration at all. To add insult to injury, he told me that I gained a bit of weight at one point and the cellulite on his face was a little too smothering (this coming from someone who wanted to be smothered). 

Again, ouch. 

When I met my husband, I remember waxing for our third date (which was going to be our first time), and after some very hot, incredible sex, we had a little pillow talk. He was saying how my pussy is pretty, but he really, really loves seeing hair down there. How he loves a woman to own that woman-ness, and how he loves a nicely trimmed, but natural looking bush, and how it gently tickles his face when he goes down. He also said that he loved realness and not what society typically thinks of as the “ideal” woman.  I felt empowered by this, and never got a wax again. I claimed my pubic hair, and have become an expert at maintaining a neatly trimmed, well-managed tuft. Being with him consistently makes me feel truly, completely sexy, quite possibly because the communication is just so good. And while I still have those body conscious moments (because we all do), just being told I am sexy and beautiful helps me accept myself a little more, and that matters.

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Settling.

Polyamory may have seemed natural to me, but it's really been a bit of a challenge. When I was younger, I would set my sights on someone new while in a relationship and somehow, with ease, allow the relationship to end amicably and mutually before starting up with my love interest. Rinse and repeat.

This was definitely serial monogamy at it's finest, and I think the thing is, we are constantly bombarded with this idea that there's only ONE, even though in my 20s, I distinctly recall that there was a period of dating before you'd "go steady," but somehow culture pushed that steady relationship as the norm, and playing the field as "promiscuous." I mean, I was a teen in the late '80s-early '90s, and the fear of AIDS and an overall fear of sex permeated.

I didn't like commitment because even at a young age, no one seemed to be worthy of me. I always had high standards, and the guys I met were either smart but shitty in bed, or hot but dumb as rocks. It was hard to find the combination of physical, emotional, and intellectual attraction....and I was made to feel like shit that I couldn't find a husband.

The shaming from everyone from family members, to friends, to the gynecologist telling me that I needed to "grow up" and that "if you give the milk out for free, why would he want to buy the cow," and that "time is running out - you do want to start a family, don't you" (I didn't). It all became overwhelming and let me to think that something was wrong with me...that I was broken because I believed in love and couldn't seem to find that mythical one. But, societal conditioning is a fucking bitch. I met a guy at a networking event when I was 30 who followed me around that night like a puppy dog and something just clicked inside me. I was turned on that someone felt that level of devotion in just one night and I felt a sense of power that got me excited, even though I wasn't physically attracted to him. So, I made him fall in love with me, because if I could have someone that worshiped me, that would solve everything. It didn't. The sex was horrible and non-existent, and that's when I started to really watch a ton of femdom porn, read Literotica nonstop, and started fantasizing about being a keyholder. We were together for nearly 5 years. That eventually ended, and another long term relationship followed that also ended (which had amazing sex, lots of kink, and a clear power dynamic where I was the one firmly in control). And then, at 40, I learned to be alone. My grand experiment in "settling" ended. Meeting Daddy was the catalyst for everything that came after. I learned to be alone, learned a thing or two about self-love, about feeling pretty, about the power of pink, and most importantly about what I truly want: I wanted a life companion that I deeply loved who respected and encouraged my autonomy and independence. I can go through all the roles we explored together in the aether another time, but I will say that he led me to my husband, who I met later that year. The magic of manifestation happened so quickly. Once I was able to envision what I wanted, how I wanted it, the gears were set in motion. And when I found out on my first date with my hubby that he is polyamorous and wants me to be with others, I was like...JACKPOT! And now, I have a husband, a boyfriend, and a Daddy.

And I don't have to settle. I can have my cake and eat it, too. With all the sprinkles.

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Envy Turns Into a Deprivation Kink.

Being in a relationship that is predominantly online is not the easiest thing to maintain. Most online relationships don’t last very long, but my online partner and I have been each other's play partners and confidants for nearly a decade now. Being that he’s long distance, and that there additional layers of complexity, it's extremely rare that we have an opportunity to meet up.

And while the mind informs the body and we’ve totally both had incredible, entirely transformative orgasms in the aether…it’s not the same as the tangible, the physical world.

He has a partner who he gets to see in real life quite often and they’ve brought to life many of the experiences that we’ve workshopped online, which is a particular thrill of mine because I am a sex magick practioner, and this is all manifestation happening quite effectively. I truly love and get incredible joy that he gets to have these experiences, and when he shares his stories with me, I am equally turned on but also just a tad bit envious; and I am turned into a frustrated pool of want. This gets me off in whole new ways and sets off new fantasies.

My wanting to experience those things with him and not being able to kind of makes me feel like he’s virtually cuckqueaning me. That the stories are the equivalent of him fucking her in front of me, as I am locked in a chastity belt, forced to watch, but deprived of pleasure. And that does things to me that I didn’t quite expect. 

I kind of wish that I could watch them and be tied to a chair. Or be tied up and restrained, blindolded, and my mouth stuffed with a dildo acting as a gag. I sometimes feel that my metamour is superior to me. The better babygirl. And I kind of want her to humiliate and tell me things like “I bet you’ve always wanted him…you’ll never have him!” and for them both to call me pathetic and laugh at me as I squirm, unable to touch myself. My sub side can get quite dark and sinister...and that side often craves complete control, complete surrender. So, even though I am a bit envious of what they have, I kind of love being left soaking and frustrated. Endlessly on the edge. I want to hear all the stories. I want to be left wanting. I want to have that feeling of being on the edge of a cliff left dangling. This is particularly interesting to me, since I am very much a hotwife to my hubby at home, and get to play with my boyfriend in front of him. I just didn't expect to be wanting the same thing on the other side of the coin (I am a switch, so it does make perfect sense...).

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Relationship Anarchy.

A longer blog post as to why I see myself aligning more to the Relationship Anarchy philosophy versus the "classic" polyamory structure is coming, but I figured I'd link up the RA manifesto to familiarize yourself.

Here's the line that resonates most deeply for me:

"Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals."

This...all of this.

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Two Worlds.

When I started my first D/s relationship 15 years ago, I compartmentalized big time. I had my real life kink relationship in the physical domain, and my D/s relationship with the brat long distance and primarily in the ether.

Both relationships were entirely separate as far as I was concerned and I was very much loyal to each in their respected domains, and the same in return. Two relationships. Two worlds. This lasted for many years.

When the brat told me that he didn’t believe in monogamy, I was crushed and said “as long as you don’t have another Mistress,” because it was so incredibly difficult for me to wrap my head around anything that was not monogamous. All that social conditioning leads us to be searching for this idyllic "one" and well, what if there are multiple "ones?" It was incredibly difficult to admit to myself that I wasn't quite being monogamous, faithful, or truly loyal to either partner. The crazy thing is, I didn't see it that way. I had a physical relationship in Column A and a D/s relationship in Column B and they were in two entirely different worlds.

Compartmentalizing was my jam.

Power exchange is, well...incredibly powerful by nature. And when we first get a taste of it, we want to go full throttle and the fantasies of 24/7 TPE come flooding over. We want to be the “only” in that specific dynamic and it's kind of hard to imagine our partners with anyone else in that way because it's so immersive. When you are baring your soul to someone and diving deep into the psyche, regardless of what side of the slash you are on, it's a very vulnerable place, and to think that your partner could be that way with someone is a little crushing at first. I remember having thoughts of I'm not special, which was entirely inaccurate.

Early stages in a power exchange are opportunities to learn, and I was fortunate to put myself out there and find community, especially when I was navigating non-monogamy for the first time. I eventually ended the kinky real-life relationship after a major consent violation and kept things going with the brat. Since the brat was long distance, I couldn't rely on him to provide me with information now that I felt ready to fully explore this world tactically. I set up my Fetlife profile, started to nervously attend munches, and I even signed up for workshops and trainings. I truly wanted to be the best Domme I could be and get the tactical knowledge through other’s stories and by having experiences for myself. It made me understand that kink is a spectrum and that one partner certainly can't fulfill all one's needs and desires (at least for me), because sometimes new desires bubble up unexpectedly and serendipitously.

And then, I met my Daddy, and well, that's when everything changed.

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Mixed Orientation Marriages

This weekend, I attended an online conference and one of the topics we explored was the concept and reality of mixed orientation marriages. This was primarily discussed through a lens of hetero/homosexual marriages, but I also want to say that we could also look at this through a kink/vanilla lens as well (I would definitely categorize kink as an orientation based on my experience).

Mixed orientation marriages are more common than we might think, and the thing is, these couples truly love each other and have built lives together, but it's hard for others to wrap their head around that. There were even stories that these couples do indeed have sex, and very good sex at that, just that their sexuality doesn't quite align.

This leads me to believe that we are all truly fluid in our own way. If love is love, we may be more pansexual or panromantic than we realize (more on that another time). Being part of a mixed orientation marriage can be confusing and hard to navigate. Sometimes the partner is fully accepting, others could be dismissive and shaming, while others may have a "don't ask don't tell" policy where they just don't want to know what happens, as long as they come home to them at the end of the day.

The good thing is, younger generations tend to be much more communicative with their partners about wants, needs, and desires - much more so than my generation, which is a step in a positive direction.

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Charmed, I'm Sure.

Good evening and welcome to my new page of open discussion of a smattering of topics that are quite adult and may (or may not be) for the faint of heart. I am Evelyn Pierce, a proper lady, a Mother archetype, who loves to please her man but also enjoys to wear the key around her neck, if you catch my drift. I am also little Evie, who just always wants to be a good girl for Daddy. I have plenty of other fun personas that you may very well get to know in due time.

In my real life, I am polyamorous, with a well-contained polycule. I am also studying to be a certified sex and relationship coach with a concentration in kink and relationship diversity.

I wanted to create this space because I find it necessary to have a place that is not connected to my real identity, as some themes are best discussed behind the curtain, so to speak.

I am looking forward to sharing some salacious stories, my philosophy on sex positivity and kink, and having an open forum to discuss adult play in its most joyful expression.

xoxo,

Miss Evelyn Pierce