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[missspringthyme]

March 19th, 2024

Today I woke up with just enough time to go and grab a protein drink and a pastry before catching my bus to Maastricht. Despite the fact that I seem to be continually at the grocery store, I currently have no food besides a few dry ingredients that cannot be made into a full meal. Or what do I know, maybe plain cous cous would be ideal.

The whole vibe of waking up in a rush and chugging a chocolate protein shake on a bus feels very last semester coded and I paid the price for it. By the time I got off at my stop I was feeling very sick and unhappy. I wish I didn't get car(bus?)sick so easily.

The walk was nice though, very classic early spring day. Not quite enough to completely lose the jacket, but I left it unzipped. There's lots of flowers blooming, but my favorite are the fruit trees. There's a huge one right on my walk to the uni that has flooded the entire street with pink petals, if I could I would've stopped and sat there for awhile. I should be a little more spoiled growing up with cherry blossom season coinciding with my birthday every year in Japan, but I love fruit tree blossoms no matter where I am. I always secretly feel like they're a gift for me, a marker of better times ahead. Genuinely, I think Spring is the best time to be born.

At the uni, I found my supervisor's office empty so I decided to sit in the break room and wait to be retrieved. A part of me was nervous because my tablet seems to be stuck in British time for only some things (?) One of which includes the times it reports my notifications for calender events. I was a bit paranoid that what I had assumed that the time it was telling me was correct (1 hour earlier than the normal time) and that I had incorrectly assumed it was reporting incorrectly. I fully considered going upstairs to the eeg lab to check if they were in there, but I was pretty sure we didn't have a participant today.

In the break room I checked my email for any "hey where are yous" or "we're canceling today" but I couldn't find any. Instead, I found an email from the PhD student leading the conference in Italy this summer sending me what I needed to apply for a volunteer position. I worked on that for a little bit, and I listened as some other master's students came in and started talking to eachother. Something that makes me feel kinda sad is how I haven't really made any friends in my master's. A combination of living in Aachen, not taking the electives, and sacrificing social invitations because I was overwhelmed with my workload has led to only a handful of school aquantinces. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with the friends I've made but I just don't feel that connected with my university. That really sucks.

I did see German Sri Lankan and got to tell her I had my phone stolen in case she had tried to text. I also finally got the information about her gynecologist that I had promised to give to German American. She offered to have us go back together, which would have been perfect except for the fact that after an hour and a half of waiting I finally found the email of my supervisor canceling our meeting. I fucking hate the outlook inbox. I don't know how you can design something that does literally the opposite of everything you'd want it to do. I'm 100% a Gmail girlie. So, I sent German Sri Lankan a message on snapchat (the only messaging I can currently use) telling her I would be leaving early and got out of there.

I was now tired, hungry, uncomfortable, and annoyed. As I walked back I grabbed my pastry to eat and discovered I had made a horrible mistake. I thought I had grabbed spinach and feta, instead it was filled with some sort of bland, creamy cheese. It did not taste good at all. How does the Aldi have a better bakery selection than the Rewe?? Some things I will never understand. I also haven't mentioned that my outfit just wasn't hitting today, so I really just didn't feel cute.

When I got back to the apartment, I collapsed face first onto the sofa. I took a little half awake nap to banish the last remains of nausea from my system, and got up just in time to catch German American and authentic australian coming back in from enjoying the lovely day outside. We all had a really nice conversation that eventually turned to a discussion around cameras. That was when German American started showing me some photos she had taken with her film camera on a trip to Singapore and I made an insane discovery.

In one of her photos, I saw someone I recognized. A boy that I had gone to daycare with in Singapore, who I had last visited in 2017. Come to find out, the town where his family lives is the town where German American was born and lived in until she was 8. They were neighbors and are still close family friends. After freaking out for a bit, we called his mom and shared the discovery. The call lasted for a long, long time. She remembered my birthday and some things that even I had forgotten about, which was a pleasent suprise. Something I found interesting was that his mom brought up how unhappy I had been around my mom the last time we visited them, and how much happier I seemed now. Which, yes, but crazy that it was noticeable enough for her to say it to me. I kept trying to figure out how she felt about my mom, it was a little hard to pin down. We ended up calling my mom too and they talked for a little bit, but still, crazy coincidence.

After all of that, I finally got to go grocery shopping. For dinner I made myself a giant pot of udon which was exactly what I needed. Then came the best part of today, authentic australian asked for a haircut.

We set him up in the hallway, and I grabbed my hair clips and hair scissors to compliment the thinning sheers authentic australian had bought for the occasion. He just wanted it to be thinned, but he said he wouldn't mind the ends being trimmed as well, so we got to work. Turns out the random trims I've given myself over the years has meant I've absorbed a lot more hair cutting techniques than I've realized. Not that it's super difficult to mess up on someone who has truly an insane amount of wavy hair.

German-american worked on one side and I the other, eventually stopping when we reached the top to make sure it stayed even. I even ended up cutting him little curtain bangs which was nerve wracking to do. After all our meticulous sectioning he still wanted more volume taken off so we just kinda hacked away at the back with thinning scissors. Finally, we had removed an acceptable amount of hair. His ends had been really dry though, so I asked him if he would let me put a conditioner in it too. We kept telling him this is what he was missing by not having any sisters.

This is where the rest of the night's insanity began.

I spritzed his hair to make it damp enough, but it was still so thick that it was taking awhile. I gave german-american the spray bottle so that she could take over on the side I wasn't standing on. This quickly snowballed into authentic australian recieving an impromptu shower. As I took photos of him holding the ball of hair we had removed from his head, she kept spraying him directly in the face. He just kept saying he couldn't be mad at her because she had been so nice to him this week (waiting at the hospital with him for 5 hours, making the quiche, cutting his hair). She took that as a go ahead to absolutely drench him.

Eventually this became her chasing him and trying to catch him off guard, but it was genuinely the funniest thing I had seen all week. Peak sibling behaviour. I also absolutely helped her do it all as well. At one point she was pushing against his door and trying to spray inside while he kept trying to shut it. A moment that is burned into my brain is when he stuck his hand out in a flat, defensive palm and she responded with a single squirt to the middle of his hand. The entire time jazz (see above) was playing in the background. Incredible night.

Authentic australian did eventually take and hide the spray bottle, but I know where it is. This is not over. Now they're both a little jumpy around each other.

[missspringthyme]

March 18th, 2024

I finished the rest of my cleaning today, hell yeah!

Well, mostly. I still haven't done my laundry or properly deep-cleaned the bathroom. That's for another day.

I did eventually get side tracked with watching the last 3/4 of Gone Girl with authentic Australian and Spanish neighbor. In case you're wondering why authentic Australian has been around so much, he did something to his shoulder/collarbone on Thursday and has been prescribed rest and a futuristic sling that wraps around his body instead of going over his shoulder. Gone Girl was good, but not what I had been expecting based on what I had already seen. It's one of authentic australian's favorite movies and I'm not really surprised by that.

Later that night, we all watched Howl's Moving Castle together as well! It was their first Ghibli film, and Spanish neighbor really liked Howl. I think authentic Australian was a bit turned off by the more fluid storytelling, but he says he's going to watch Spirited Away next, so I wonder if he'll like that one more.

[missspringthyme]

March 17th, 2024

Today was a fantastic day!

I woke up later than I wanted, but early enough to get the bread finished on time. I hung out in the living room while I went through cycles of letting the dough rest and kneading it, I love making bread and everyone loves focaccia. In the end, I made double the amount I planned on because we had to snag a baking tin from upstairs and the only one they had was huge. No one complained in the end though.

But that's how I spent most of the day, tending my bread, playing games on my tablet, listening to music and occasionally cleaning. Not a bad sunday. Eventually, the rest of the dinner was made (focaccia with rosemary and cherry tomatoes, vegetable quiche, chai spiced cookies, stracciatella ice cream, strawberries, and fresh whipped cream) and we all sat down to eat. Along with everyone in the apartment (minus turkish girl since she has been in Turkey for weeks because of a visa thing) Spanish girl joined us after coming back for a trip today. This is her first real time leaving Spain and she's using it to go to as many places as she can, this time it was Vienna and Prague. She asked me to go ice skating with her in Cologne so we'll have to figure that out eventually as well.

I don't know how to say this without sounding mean, but this is my journal so I'm allowed to be honest. I can tell she had a lot of years where she felt unattractive or undesirable, and now she's some male attention. She's doing the classic thing of pendulum swinging from one end of the self esteem spectrum to the other, which is a fantastic feeling, but it keeps taking me off guard. She does it in a way where she gives herself a huge compliment and then makes you affirm it. I don't know, it's not a bad thing but I just scramble for a second every time she does it.

My sister also called to ask when I would be going to the US this summer and for how long. I ended up giving her advice that she said was "actually helpful" so I'll count that as a win. I also realized that she would be able to store her things at my apartment if she wanted since my lease ends after her semester starts, I'll see if she goes for it though.

We had wine with our meal, and I had essentially a quarter of a cup to taste it. It was pretty nice, especially as I don't really like wine. Spanish girl did tease us for picking screw cap bottles though. We had really good conversations, especially because TCA went on a date in Cologne yesterday that went well. We grilled him for information, and then everyone wanted to see his hinge profile. I did a masterclass job on his profile, especially considering the only thing he could tell me he wanted was cars. First picture is a nice looking, but simple photo of him (that I took). Second is a photo of him where he looks really cool and you can tell he's tall (that I took). Third photo of him it's a candid action shot of him cooking (that I took). Fourth photo is a picture of him, me, and authentic Australian holding up art work we did at a workshop (I did not take this photo). Fifth photo (?) is a video of him ice skating and giving a thumbs up to the camera (which I took). Sixth photo is of him snuggling my blow up crocodile on the couch (which I took). This is supplemented by a voice recording of him telling a story, only one mention of his love of F1, and a 2 truths and a lie. All together, his profile shows that he has friends, hobbies, is tall, does fun things, cooks, is snuggly, and most importantly, is Australian. His profile has been raking in the babes. Spanish girl said his profile made him feel like he was written by a woman and told me I did an incredible job. Maybe I should start a side hustle.

After dinner, we played werewolf and that was the cherry on top. I was the narrator everytime except for 2 rounds which was fine by me. My favorite thing in the world is knowing everything and watching it all go down. German-american repeatedly accused authentic Australian despite him never being the werewolf. At one point she said "I know he's innocent, I just want him dead". Watching everyone's reactions to the different roles was the best thing in the world, and I hope we get to play again with just slightly more people. After we introduced the role of the doctor, games were a little more interesting and lasted just a little bit longer.

All of this, however, meant that by the time I got a chance to call T it was already pretty late. I could tell he was frustrated and it made the call a little tense. I tried to lighten things up, and it worked a bit. I also stayed on the call a lot longer than I really should have just so he could feel like the call was as long as he would want it to be. In the end though it wasn't terrible, and it was nice to see him all snuggled up.

[missspringthyme]

March 16th, 2024

I managed to clean a lot today. Not as much as I expected, but a lot. Specifically, I managed to do something I've been wanting to do forever which is vacuum and mop my floors. I moved all the furniture out of my room and everything. I also wiped all the surfaces and reorganized the window sill where I keep all my beauty products.

I was right though, that even though I've been craving a clean space, I'm still too meh to actually do it. I was hoping the cleaning spirit would overtake me and I would do it all in a whirlwind like sometimes happens, but I still have piles of clean laundry I haven't put away, and dirty laundry that will eventually replace it.

Additionally, former italian sent an email to my school account wanting to know why I haven't been active on anything. It was very funny to me to receive and return a fully personal email, much less on my school account, but if I'm honest I'm a big sucker for letter writing. If I could, I would fully replace any text communication for myself with letters. I like the space it gives you, and I feel like it encourages you to say more and be more mindful. Having the phone gone has had some small perks.

Later on in the day, german-american and I went to get ingredients for the dinner we have planned for tomorrow! I proposed it because I desperately need to eat a meal that has been Cooked and Prepared, and also because I think making bread will soothe me. Plus, we haven't had an apartment dinner in so long and some intentional time with everyone would be nice.

In the grocery store, I ended up finishing my shopping first. Even though I made a few laps, I couldn't find german-american so I went and checked out. I waited on the other side of the cash register for what felt like hours waiting for her, and eventually just left by myself. I was a little worried she had left without me and I would be stuck there for awhile not realizing it, but when I got back to the apartment and she wasn't there, I told authentic Australian to text her for me. Having the phone gone has some downsides.

[missspringthyme]

March 15th, 2024

I got very little sleep because I went to bed in the morning, but I woke up about an hour after the notes from my supervisor came back. There were 10 notes, but reading them was an immense feat of mental strength and courage. My rejection sensitivity is going off the rails here lol.

I spent most of today forcing myself to read the notes, and then breaking them down so they felt more manageable. Most of them were quick fixes, but even a singular wording change in a sentence felt like a herculean task.

At a certain point, everyone in the kitchen started discussing these chocolate protein puddings that are sold that are actually incredibly fucking delicious. Health versions of food is usually worse than the regular versions, this is an exception. German-american and I absolutely adore them, the boys had never tried them, so we all decided to march down and grab some pots for all of us.

At the grocery store I also found out they sell mango lassis which is crazy, so I bought one in addition to some other groceries I need. My regular muesli has been missing for a little while now and I'm a little concerned that it's not coming back.

We all sat around the table and enjoyed our pots of pudding, the boys agreed that it was pretty damn good, but for some reason, TCA got vanilla instead of chocolate. Afterwards, german-american got us to watch the Taylor Swift eras tour movie. Everyone protested but it ended up being kinda fun, ironically the person who complained the most (authentic Australian) ended up being the most invested.

I worked on the proposal notes while it played, but I ended up getting stuck on what that had been causing me issues even before I had sent the first draft to my supervisor. I had found next to no papers discussing a specific aspect of connectivity in the basal ganglia except for one published in 2001. My supervisor then commented and said that what I had described was a bit of an older way of viewing the concept and that the second supervisor had actually worked on the newer way of thinking so I should probably change it. In his note, he referenced a paper that no matter how hard I tried I could not find. I was ready to bash my computer into a wall, and nothing was being helped by being severely sleep deprived.

As I stared into the wall ahead of me, authentic Australian looked over and asked me if I was alright. He convinced me to either (a) go to bed and finish in the morning or (b) go take a shower and come back to it. I chose option b.

I had been trying to save my shower for after the proposal was done, as a treat, but it was the right choice to make. I listened to some Starstruck and let my eyes take a rest. If I look in the mirror, all my capillaries have burst.

I came back refreshed and ready to take on the final note. One reference and one sentence, that's all I needed to do. Magically I found everything I needed after the shower, and everything flowed pretty easily.

Submitting the proposal was a victory I celebrated by watching the rest of the concert. By the time we got to the end, authentic Australian, german-american, and I were the only ones left. Only after the credits rolled, we realized there was another 30 minutes of the 'acoustic version' or something. I dipped out then and finally got to sleep.

[missspringthyme]

March 14th, 2024

I spent a lot of time with german-american today. She's studying for an exam she's retaking that she's really stressed about, and I have 3,000 words to write. It's perfect.

Unfortunately, neither of us particularly wanted to be doing the things we were doing, the weather outside was gorgeous, and we were in some silly goofy moods. At one point I sat on the floor in the puddle of sunlight that was coming in through the window and did some work there. Finnish roommate had knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to get ice cream and oh my god did I desperately want to just enjoy the sunshine with an ice cream. Or sit up on the balcony and just enjoy the weather.

Instead, I got window sunlight.

I tried to use it as a motivator to get myself to finish faster. If the proposal was done before sunset I could get an ice cream. Instead, I ended up sitting upstairs with german-american, battling the clock.

We took a break and came downstairs for dinner. This is when we decided it would be a good idea to adjust all the lights in the ceiling. This was a harder task than initially anticipated, and in the process we broke one of them. We managed to hide our crime, but knew even the slightest touch would reveal the damage we had done. Additionally, in fixing it we had made it crooked.

When the boys came home we stayed silent while they commented on the changes in light positioning. German-american pointed to the crooked one, and without a second thought third-culture Australian lept up and smacked it like he was blocking a basketball. Although this meant the light was broken once more, it also meant that the crime could be placed on his shoulder's instead of ours. The boys immediately started attempting to fix it, becoming as Engineer Like as they could. Lots of mumbling about what tools they needed while standing on wobbly perches. In the end though, they did manage to fix it. Hooray!

After dinner, we headed back upstairs to work. With third culture Australian joining us a little bit later. If I'm honest, I was not very happy he wanted to come and work with us too. He talks to himself and is generally a very noisy worker, but this is made worse when he does anything on MATLAB. The last thing I needed was more distraction, but I couldn't really tell him no.

German-american and I made a big pot of sweet ginger tea to split between the 2 of us, which was an excellent choice. We went back and forth on which mug should go to which person, with her telling me to choose because she didn't want to decide. I could tell she really wanted the pink mug though, so I told her to take that one.

As the night went on, we all started to crave some snacks. I offered to make us all some of my protein mug cakes and so we took a break to enjoy those. Tragically, this backfired and now my appetite for treats had only grown. Looking down the barrel of an all-nighter, I told the other two that I would make a snack run to Rewe before it closed. This also meant that I got to go outside for the first time all day, even if it was just at night.

I allowed every indulgence, recognizing this very same mood from this time last year: diss season. I bought popcorn, paprika chips, hummus, baby carrots, a pain au chocolat, sour cola straws (spinnenbeine), chocolate for TCA, but no fizzy drinks. I consider that last one a mark of remarkable restraint. It also makes me wonder how being back in the US while I'm writing my thesis will look like. My family has never been a snack family, and there is a general disdain towards unhealthy foods. I can already hear the teasing if I tried to buy a soda while we went grocery shopping. Although I also happily snack on lots of non junky foods, they just tend to be more expensive, so maybe if I'm not the one footing the bill it won't matter anyway.

We all shared the snacks and german-american and I worked through 3 pots of tea. Eventually, they told me goodnight, leaving me all alone with my treats and my computer screen.

At some horrible witching hour, I started to feel the panic begin to seep into me. I have done far worse in a smaller amount of time, but this was different for several reasons. (1) I am feeling the effects of burnout, it has quite literally been less than a year since I wrote my last thesis and last semester was brutal (2) I really want to impress my supervisor and my second supervisor, and this would be the first time they would actually read and assess the quality of my work. Even if this is a pass/fail assignment, it represents a much larger test in terms of their opinion of me (3) As always, the literature in this field is dense and difficult to read. It is very easy to misunderstand concepts (4) I am not sure how much I actually understand, and by writing it all out, my supervisor will be able to tell exactly what I don't understand. I began to look back on photos from this time in years past and felt a manic delight in the knowledge that for the past few years I have consistently lapsed into insanity on this week. The notable highlights include, of course, me actively in the midst of writing my bachelors thesis (and also finally having french/dutch braids click for me, hell yeah) as well as frantically attempting to pack my life up and leave before borders shut at the very start of the pandemic. March 14th, 2020 I was in a shower after a night of no sleep, eating a miniature tub of hagen das fruit ice cream, fully losing my mind.

I texted T all of that and he managed to calm me down and also make me cry a little bit. He told me to remember how proud my 14 year old self would be of me right now and he's absolutely correct. I spent a minute whispering to myself the things that I had managed to do that little Alexa would be stoked to hear about and took a deep breath (I did a bachelor's in biology and psychology in Scotland, and finished with good grades and a 1st class dissertation; I figured out how to have nice nails and do eyeliner and french braid my hair; I'm living in Germany; I'm doing a masters in Neuropsychology; I'm on track to do a PhD etc etc). T offered to read through my proposal, but I was worried I wouldn't be finished with it before he went to bed, so instead I asked that he read my methods to make sure it made sense. He said it was fine and told me to send me the rest if I finished on time. I decided to head back downstairs for a change of scenery and to avoid potentially making eye contact with an employee of the building arriving for their day of work.

I did not finish on time for T to read it, but it was good enough for me to send to my supervisor for notes at a reasonable time before falling asleep.

[missspringthyme]

March 13th, 2024

My suspicions were correct. The phone was stolen.

I stayed up all night with find my device waiting to see if it would be connected to a network, because I had the feeling that if someone did they would do it late at night when they felt I wouldn't be checking. Fools.

Around 2 in the morning, it connected. I screenshotted the location, and finally got the chance to remotely log out of my accounts and down my phone. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I put 'Gib mir mein Handy zurück' on the phone screen with german-american's phone number. In retrospect, I should've offered money to get it back.

The phone was turned off soon after that, but I was filled with energy. I called my dad and told him what was going on. I was truly so close to just going to the address where I knew my phone was, but he told me to go to bed. Before I did that I left several post it notes on german-american's door explaining what I knew and that I was going to file a police report and also maybe go to the apartment and if she could make sure I was awake on time to do those things. I did manage to wake up at 8am, most likely due to rage, where I realized I can file a police report online and wouldn't need to use a phone to do so. I also asked Finnish roommate if her boyfriend would be willing to accompany me to retrieve my phone (german, tall, well built). When he arrived though, he told me my phone was in a really rough part of town and that he wouldn't feel safe going unless someone else also maybe came. He suggested authentic Australian, which was a common theme all day. People kept suggesting he would be a good choice as someone scary, which I was very surprised by because I feel like Finnish roomate's boyfriend is way more intimidating. I'm genuinely wondering if I'm missing something.

Anyway, I didn't get to vigilante get my phone, I also did no work whatsoever on my proposal. I did however email my supervisor about it so now I get to skip tomorrow's meeting and I have the green light to turn in my proposal a little late. He's the person who gets told when proposals are late anyway, so it's no big deal. The goal is still Thursday, although I'm worried by being told I can take a few more days that won't happen. Guess we'll see.

[missspringthyme]

March 12th, 2024

Boy oh boy was today a rollercoaster. My meeting with my supervisor got cancelled because greek girl couldn't come, but I asked if I could come anyway because I had some questions. He said yes.

Meeting goes really well, I finally have a good idea of the analysis I want to run for my thesis (just don't ask me too many questions about it). Additionally, supervisor tells me that it is entirely possible we could end up publishing my work (!!!!) which would mean I could have 2 publications before I apply to PhDs and 1 would actually be in the line of research I'm interested in. Spending some one on one time with him also helps him like me more, and I got to tell him that I would like to do a PhD so he has that seed in his head.

On my way back, the bus is packed. The only empty seat is in the back in the middle. This is not my favorite, but at least I have a seat. My phone is in my jacket pocket when I lay my jacket on the empty seat in between me and another man. I become engrossed in the above drawing, a scene I saw this morning of a construction worker. My ear pods have been acting up and only one is producing sound. This is annoying. I am distracted.

My stop comes and I move to get off of the bus. I pat my jacket pockets, as I always do as someone with a tendency to forget items, and do not feel the phone in my jacket pocket. I think to myself, surely I must have placed it in my backpack instead. I can still hear the music coming through the ear pods. Still, I quickly check the seat. Admittedly I am rushing a bit so as to not miss my stop, but I find no phone. It must be in my bag then.

As the bus pulls away, I hear the phone disconnect from my ear pods. Fuck.

I rush into the apartment and tell german-american what has occurred. I contact the bus company using her phone and they tell me when the same bus will return to my bus stop. She lends me her phone while I grab groceries so that I don't miss the bus coming. We debate whether it's better for me to speak german or english to the driver (german=compentance and therefore more respect, but english=incompentance and therefore perhaps more pity). We decide if it's a young driver I should speak English, and if it's an old driver I should speak german. I am filled with equal parts hope and dread. I want to believe I will find my phone wedged between a seat, the pit in my stomach suggests a likely alternative.

I arrive to the bus stop early and wait, hoping I have picked the correct side. When the bus comes, I knock on the door trying to get the driver's attention, but he waves me to the side door. I cross around the bus and knock on his window, he's surprised and opens it. He's young, I speak English. I explain my situation and he lets me on the bus. He helps me look along with another woman, but he tells me to just sit and ride to the last stop and we'll look at the bushof. It's not there. He tells me to keep checking the bus company's lost and found but that it's a phone so...

I set an alert for phones turned in to their lost and found, but I have a growing suspicion my phone has been stolen. I had mobile data turned off so I was unable to track my phone, but I set things up so that when it connected it would display a message. But this is a new phone, could easily net someone a few hundred euros. I am angry. I still have a fucking research proposal to do. Fuck.

[missspringthyme]

March 11th, 2024

Mushy, mushy brain. If only I could wake up early enough to take my meds.

[missspringthyme]

March 10th, 2024

Although I didn't do much work today, I am continually reminding myself that existing in a state of rat hole is a necessary stage of my work flow. I need the punishment of greasy hair and a messy room in order to provide an adequate reward for the completion of these deadlines. Besides, I don't think I have the mental reserves to even clean at the moment.

Regardless, I had a really good call with T today. He got to hear some stories from my childhood that I'm genuinely shocked in the nearly 6 years we've known each other he has not heard. My favorite, and the one I had nearly forgotten, was that in Japan my family used to go to this farm experience(?). It's where I milked a cow for the first time, and I have a lot of really fond memories from that place. One of the things they had was pig racing, and I dominated it. You would wear these little vests to match your pig and then compete against other kids as you guided them forward to try and win. If you placed, you'd stand on a little podium and get a ribbon and a little pig plushie. We truly had so many. When I was explaining this to T he kept having to check that this was something I did in Japan and not the US, because it sounds like the most redneck thing in existence. I just couldn't stop laughing as I described this all. Anyway, the call was really helpful in adding some lightness to T. He even thanked me afterwards and said that it was really good for him. I did really enjoy the call, but if I'm going to be honest the reason why it was an enjoyable call is because I turned on the charm. This still doesn't solve the frustration for me that I am essentially responsible for daily morale, but today I was in a good mood so that's a problem for another day.

Also, my mom sent me a screenshot of a post from a Facebook page she's in for other former BRATS. It was a meme where the messaging boiled down to 'BRATS move a lot'. Along with the screenshot, she sent a text saying basically 'this is what my childhood was like'. I understand she's trying to connect with me, but moments like this kinda highlight for me a big disconnect between us. Either she believes that in the 22 years I have known her and heard her speak about her childhood and life as a BRAT I would not have picked up that she moved a ton, or that this constitutes a revelation in general. It's functionally the equivalent of my mom texting me to tell me that she's blonde. This was something that kept coming up in therapy where my mom truly believed that I didn't know things about her that to me are incredibly easy to pick up. I think a big part of it is she struggles with things like that, but has never considered that other people may not experience that (*cough*I'mprettysureshe'sautistic*cough*). I spent a lot of time today trying to figure out what response I could give that wouldn't hurt her feelings.

[missspringthyme]

March 9th, 2024

Really really didn't sleep well last night so I got out of bed at 1. I got some groceries, and treated myself to a platter of sushi for lunch.

I talked with authentic Australian for a bit, it was nice to finally have a philosophical conversation in the afternoon instead of late at night.

It was a very nice day, so I went upstairs and sat on the balcony. I need to do this more often because there's free drinks (I had a ginger lemonade and a raspberry rosemary lemonade) and it made me feel more human.

I saw a quote today from Slyvia Path that said "In March I'll be rested, caught up, and human." I will be willing this into existence.

[missspringthyme]

March 8th, 2024

Did not sleep very well last night so today was not a very good day. I did little things here and there, and finished some of my backlog drawings but ooh boy do I need to get my shit together.

I had a conversation with Spanish neighbor last night about all the places she's going/has gone over her break and it was nice talking to someone who's also stressed and over worked (studying medicine) have some light in her eyes. Although, if I'm going to be honest she started to annoy me a little when she started to press me to go out with her. I had told her that I have a deadline coming up that I'm working on, and that I really want to plan a fun day with her after I'm finished with my proposal. She immediately started talking about how we should do something tomorrow, and got upset when I told her that I'm not going to be doing much of anything until my proposal is done. I understand that she finally has a break and she's excited to have some fun, but man you think she'd understand that doesn't mean everyone else has that right now.

My dad also called me and he says he's 99.9% sure they're going to buy the gym now. I also had to explain to him that just because my uncle says he wants his kids to come stay with him in America and learn English, it doesn't mean that that it's actually logistically possible. They have lives, and summers, and not everyone can just afford and impromptu flight to the US in the summer. He says they should have the money because he gave his part of his dad's inheritance to his siblings. It was really nice to talk to him though, I've been really looking forward to his phone calls. I always feel a lot more secure in the world after them.

[missspringthyme]

March 7th, 2024

I got my contract signed and turned in! I emailed about ethics! I did a little bit of the methods! Small amounts of progress have been made!

I holed myself up in my building's study room/closet until my laptop ran out of battery. Which, can I just say, isn't it a little insane that a designated study room wouldn't have any free outlets? What a decision.

Over the past few days, I have drank truly so much peppermint tea because I feel somewhere in my heart that it has the answers. Oh, great peppermint tea, cure my acne and my stress, and I will devote myself to thee.

When I came downstairs, I was in such a wild, brain rot that every conversation I had was tinged with a little bit of madness. I talked with Spanish neighbor and the Australians, and eventually indian German guy came over too. He and authentic australian are planning a trip over Easter, so I listened to them plan while I played bloons tower defense. Indian German guy also found out today that I was German too when i mentioned I was going to go see my family for easter (although, if I'm honest I'm unsure whether he's german/Indian or an Indian guy who speaks German). He tried to test me by talking in German, but it was a basic conversation so I passed lol.

I just need to wake up earlier in the day! I know it's sounds hyperbolic, but it would literally fix all my problems.

[missspringthyme]

March 6th, 2024

Today I tried to clean to get my life together a little bit. I did end up doing all my laundry (and paying to use the dryer because someone has the drying rack) but I didn't end up putting all my clothes away. My rooms definitely a bit of a mess right now. Pretty accurate reflection of my brain.

I did eventually realize that I should not be cleaning before my research proposal deadline because the rat hole is a part of my process. Only after the deadline passes will I be able to cleanse the evidence of my insanity from the apartment. Tomorrow I will begin the work that should've been happening weeks ago.

Also side note, I really need to stop spiraling at night. It's not very helpful for my goals regarding waking up at a reasonable time.

P.S. this drawing is a love letter to a show that audibly makes me laugh out loud, and to one of the episodes that is permanently seared in my brain. Zac Oyama is a comedian's comedian and Tommy Shrigley is a force of nature.

[missspringthyme]

March 5th, 2024

I found out that MATLAB had in fact not finished downloading overnight, but had instead decided i needed to start over again. My laptop was plugged in next to the kitchen sink to get good wifi, and I started again.

We had eggs and toast for breakfast, and FIR kept fussing over whether there was enough food and whether it was good enough. I kept saying it was fine.

While we waited for my download to finish, she gave me her photo albums to flip through. She loves photography, particularly with film so she had years worth of photos. Sometimes with film I struggle to tell if I like the photo because of the photographer or because it's film, but with hers I think it's a bit of both. It also desperately makes me want to get a film camera as well.

Originally, I was supposed to come to my thesis meeting early, but I ended up being 30 minutes late because I didn't want to leave before MATLAB was done. At least I knew there would be no better excuse for being late. FIR came with me to do some work in my faculty building, and I spent an hour or 2 learning some new things for processing the eeg data.

I bought myself some paprika chips and a blue Aquarius as a snack from the vending machines when I got out of the meeting, I think I will forever associate those tastes with the faculty of psychology and neuroscience. Eating it now brought me back to the other times I had rushed to grab that exact snack during the break in my tutorial, or before a lecture. Last semester I often did not eat until late in the evening minus a bag of paprika chips. My worst one was nearing the end of last semester, I was so horribly ill. I felt like my entire head was underwater and I was 2 seconds from death. I wake up at 5am to get to a tutorial on time that I have to attend because I've already missed 2, and I'm cursing myself for using my 2 absences on more trivial matters. I don't have enough time to have breakfast, and I slept for roughly 4 hours the night before. In the 10 minute break of that tutorial I buy 2 of each and stand by the vending machine violently consuming my paprika chips and emptying the sports drink directly down my throat before rushing upstairs to complete the 2nd hour of my tutorial. What a nightmare, but not today.

I sat with FIR for a bit, but i was starting to get a headache and just wanted to go home. I was truly seconds from leaving when German Sri Lankan texted and asked me if I was at uni. She came over and we all talked for a bit, she then asked if I wanted to go back to Aachen with her. We somehow missed the train and the next one was canceled, so we decided to take the bus instead. This did mean that, unfortunately I wasted money on a non refundable train ticket but whatever. I'm only young once right?

It was really nice catching up with my friend though. On the bus ride back, per my request she spoke only German. This is also better for her because she finds English very difficult. Nothing but respect and admiration that she chose to do her masters in English.

Having my bed back was very nice though. I'm about to enter crunch time.

[missspringthyme]

March 4th, 2024

I did genuinely attempt to be ready to get to Maastricht early in the day to spend more time with former Italian roommate (FIR) but that obviously didn't happen. I am kinda glad though, because it takes 30 minutes to get to my faculty from her apartment and that would have been a pain to do multiple times in one day.

I met with my supervisor where we decided to do a fresh install of MATLAB because he said he remembers there being a checkbox I might need to tick. My laptop was still working on uninstalling when it was time for the lab meeting to start. He had another meeting at the same time, but walked me to mine because the room was different. I'm very grateful for that because I have no sense of direction and I find the building very confusing. It still takes me about 10 minutes to find my supervisor's office.

There were some familiar faces in the meeting, which I was happy about. Having to fiddle with my laptop every few minutes also gave me an outlet during the presentation. The PhD student presenting is also doing something with rhythms but her focus seems to be more on the default mode network. She's also using fMRI and eeg. Afterwards some of the other masters students were talking about how they think she and one of the other PhD students are hardcore flirting. This is at odds with the fact that one of the guys thinks he heard her say she has a boyfriend. Faulty information, a misreading of the situation, or a blossoming forbidden romance? Who's to say? I was able to contribute that I heard them talking about getting drinks later today. Suspicious, no?

FIR tried to meet me at the bus stop near her house, but my bus arrived sooner than she thought so I ended up wandering around with offline google maps while she stood at the bus stop. Eventually she spotted me and we headed inside. The first thing I did was set up my laptop to start downloading MATLAB and chatted a little. She made dinner, a spinach dish that I had loved before. She complained about her roommates a lot which I thought was pretty bold considering they were all in the house. They're all Italian, so it was like I stepped into a little Italian outpost in the middle of the Netherlands. I haven't met that many Italians at uni, but as soon as you know one person of a specific nationality you generally find out that people with similar backgrounds tend to flock to eachother. FIR didn't start out intending for a 100% italian household, but these things happen.

There were (of course) several bottles of wine in the kitchen. One immediately caught my eye due to the label's incredible graphic design. It has, what I presume to be, a drawing of Zeus/Jupiter staring angrily ahead with the words "ROMAGNA DOP SANGIOVESE SUPERIORE RISERVA 2020" on it in what i can only describe as a microsoft word style font. I made FIR take a photo of me with the bottle.

After dinner, we went into town to get some dessert. She suggested an Irish pub nearby that had some sticky toffee she wanted to try. They didn't have any when we got there, but they did have some sort of creme brulee dish. I paid as a thank you for hosting me, and got myself a ginger beer. She decided to try ginger ale because she's not the biggest fan of ginger but was curious, and ended up not minding it.

The dessert was interesting. It came in a bowl with the sugar topping snapped and crumbled on top. There was also fruits mixed it, I think maybe oranges and something else? Not sure. Everytime I felt I had decided if I liked it or not I would take another bite that would change my opinion.

Afterward, we went to this jazz club to hear live music. The band was incredible, and it was packed. We leaned against the windows in the back in front of a table with chairs that had long since been squeezed around other tables. While we listened, we spotted cards that had been left on every table that were "never have I ever." Armed with Google translate, we played, and I very quickly lost. This was just in time for the band to start playing Freedom '90, and everyone started going insane. We danced and sang along, and I tried to get at least one video of FIR dancing because she always takes photos of other people.

As we were leaving, FIR spotted her roommate walking with a girl she very excitedly told me was also American. The girl was from New York, buti could've guessed that without being told. Truly she emobided every single negative stereotype about New Yorkers, but I tried my best to be nice. I think FIR was expecting us to be instant besties, and seemed a little taken aback when that did not happen. Ah well.

As we walked back, we talked about school systems and how the only reason I am a grade ahead of FIR is because I did the America system. She doesn't like it when I talk about being older because we were born in the same year. We are only the same age for 2 and a half months out of the year. I did tell her, though, that the reason my parents decided not to put me in Japanese school was because they would have sorted me in the year below. I guess being a spring baby just means that everybody wants you in their class.

[missspringthyme]

March 3rd, 2024

I tidied a little and tried to pull my stuff together in preparation for going to former Italian roommate's tomorrow. While doing that, I called my mom and got a little frustrated with her after I told her I'm thinking of doing a German intensive. She really needs to learn when someone is asking for advice, especially when someone keeps repeatedly asking you to stop giving them advice. It also didn't help that her advice was base level responses to "I want to get better at a language". I don't understand why she feels like telling me I just need to be exposed to more German is good advice when I'm literally living in Germany. What insanity. She did a similar thing last call where after I told her that I had gone to the Van Gogh museum and I had been a bit of a tour guide for my friends, she proceeded to tell me that I've never been interested in art (??) and that maybe one day I would realize how beautiful impressionist paintings are, because she had a similar realization when she was in her 20s. I love impressionist paintings, and I love art (clearly) but she didn't get to find that out because she steamrolled me to say that I didn't like art. Or now, to assume that I never speak German in Germany and that I think an intensive will make me C1 without any other work. Whatever.

That meant that by the time I got on the call with T I was more than a little frustrated and not really in a talking mood. Additionally, my jaw still fucking hurts and I think additionally I did something to my neck on that side. I really need to stay consistent on my neck strengthening exercises. This is probably the weakest and most out of shape I've ever been in my life and that needs to change ASAP. calls with T are always difficult for previously stated reasons, but this one was particularly rough. A lot of our dynamic relies on me being talkative and bubbly, which pulls him out of his shell and his pessimism. This goes to the extent that when I stop being talkative he starts getting worried that somethings wrong with me. Unfortunately what this means is when I do need to take a step back, he struggles to inject the same amount of energy. This then leads to to him getting frustrated by the low quality of our call, therefore making it harder for him to make the calls and the cycle repeats. We both end up feeling like we've tried really hard for the others benefit without much reward. He kept telling me on the call it was okay, and afterwards he said that he's just going to try to not have it bother him. Sometimes I wish his brain could just work like mine.