mistrick

[mistrick]

the spirit is unwilling and the flesh it feels not so good also

[mistrick]

he did text last night which I truly wasn't expecting. saying he was at the garden and asking if I made it. I was happy in the moment. I thought I'd reply that night. but I didn't. and I haven't cause I'm still hurt and don't know what to say.

"glad you made it! we reached close to 2, Momo was open to the garden that day"

"look I've been at the garden every single Wednesday around the same time. cause I wanted to see you. so to have you specifically ask if I'll be there, say you hope to see me, and then I find out from someone else you'd already left by the time I got there, makes me feel stupid as fuck. you could have texted that you were leaving but you hope to see me next week or something. or ask to catch up outside the garden. just fucking something."

"we made it. glad you did too!"

"we made it. I reached around the usual time I see you there. glad you made it too!"

"we made it. glad you did too! wish I'd found out from you that you'd been there already. I found out from Mike when I got there."

"we made it around 2, glad you did too! didn't expect you to be there earlier"

"we made it around 2, Momo was open to the garden! didn't expect you to be there earlier"

hnghjg I think that's the one.

ok I've sent it

hate hate hate that I got my hopes up again fuck this. I'm not going to text him. I'm not going to say yes if he asks if I'll be at the garden. I'm going to get a fucking job that schedules me on Wednesdays.

why did this motherfucker specifically follow up to ask if I'll be at the garden today just to show up at a different time that he usually does. why did he not say he would do that. is that not a normal thing to say to a friend you're hoping to see. god.

I'm not going to see him again. I need to remember that. I'm not going to see him around again. he's going to leave in September and I can finally be done.

[mistrick]

can literally anything else please come along and make me feel something the way this guy does

hate hate hate that I got my hopes up again fuck this. I'm not going to text him. I'm not going to say yes if he asks if I'll be at the garden. I'm going to get a fucking job that schedules me on Wednesdays.

why did this motherfucker specifically follow up to ask if I'll be at the garden today just to show up at a different time that he usually does. why did he not say he would do that. is that not a normal thing to say to a friend you're hoping to see. god.

I'm not going to see him again. I need to remember that. I'm not going to see him around again. he's going to leave in September and I can finally be done.

[mistrick]

hate hate hate that I got my hopes up again fuck this. I'm not going to text him. I'm not going to say yes if he asks if I'll be at the garden. I'm going to get a fucking job that schedules me on Wednesdays.

why did this motherfucker specifically follow up to ask if I'll be at the garden today just to show up at a different time that he usually does. why did he not say he would do that. is that not a normal thing to say to a friend you're hoping to see. god.

I'm not going to see him again. I need to remember that. I'm not going to see him around again. he's going to leave in September and I can finally be done.

[mistrick]

talked to my mom last night.

my grandma was adopted from within the family, then her parents biologically had 4 sons and 1 daughter. she was the third parent for all her siblings. she stopped school in grade 3. or maybe it was 5. her dad died, leaving her mom the sole breadwinner. at 18, she was in an arranged marriage with my grandpa. at 24, she had 4 kids.

she gave my mom a lot of freedom. let her choose what she wanted to do. didn't enforce homework or brushing teeth.

my mom has no positive memories of her parents together.

[mistrick]

lessons learned from tonight:

you can still buy tickets at the door even after the shows started

if there's no guard outside just stand there and wait

bank atm lobbies are not 24/7 downtown

"I like your outfit" is a safe opener

when buying merch open with how much you loved the show

and then buy the merch

mention the specific song you loved next time!!!

practice your voice more

he's definitely not thinking of me

and I'm ok with that!

the delulu thing to assume is that he feels bad about not being at the garden for three weeks and is stuck in a negative spiral about it, hence not reaching out or responding to Mike.

the healthy thing to assume is that he's busy. he works morning and evening on wednesday and showing up at the garden to do even more work in between means he has a really really long day. he hasn't texted because he doesn't usually initiate texts. he hasn't responded to Mike because sometimes he forgets to respond. he's living his life and at peace with where he's at. unlike me lmao.

[mistrick]

the delulu thing to assume is that he feels bad about not being at the garden for three weeks and is stuck in a negative spiral about it, hence not reaching out or responding to Mike.

the healthy thing to assume is that he's busy. he works morning and evening on wednesday and showing up at the garden to do even more work in between means he has a really really long day. he hasn't texted because he doesn't usually initiate texts. he hasn't responded to Mike because sometimes he forgets to respond. he's living his life and at peace with where he's at. unlike me lmao.

[mistrick]

I want to hang out with him once more before he leaves, outside the garden. in August I'll ask him to get coffee again. if the vibe is right.

I was going to text him to enjoy his trip but now I'm not going to :) might not see him next week or the week after or again until he leaves. and I'm gonna try to be fine with that.

[mistrick]

I was going to text him to enjoy his trip but now I'm not going to :) might not see him next week or the week after or again until he leaves. and I'm gonna try to be fine with that.

[mistrick]

have been thinking about him again

and when I start wanting some contact with him I message someone else cause I thought it was just the lack of connection I was missing that I had with him. and messaging people back quicker has been nice but. he's still on my mind.

[mistrick]

self-centred is a better term

she's so rude

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she's so rude

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shoutout to slow growers, late bloomers, people whose plans got derailed by circumstances beyond their control or their own choices, people who never had a plan to begin with, people who have had to start over when theyre too old to feel like theyre supposed to be where they are, people who cant pretend theyre built for the environment theyre in, and everyone who's not living the life they thought they would. im proud of you for making it this far and i hope you keep going until youre happy ♡

[mistrick]

Oh ok so it turns out ive been borrowing grief from the future ! it turns out ive been preparing to lose the things i love rather than basking in the light of them while they last. Maybe i should nt do that

[mistrick]

mnsfhsdjbk craving someone my age to hang out with that I get along with on more than a surface level. and he's been the closest to that in I don't know how many years. and now I haven't seen him in 10 days. might be a month or more before I see him again.

[mistrick]

we’ve seen each other at the garden three times post-date (which was almost a month ago what the fuck) and each time he showed up later until he didn’t show at all yesterday, which wasn’t entirely unexpected. he usually says he hopes to see me next week when we part and since we ran into each other at safeway he did lol.

i knew he wasn’t big on texting but he hasn’t initiated a text conversation at all. which is helping me to chill out. scrolling back, the one time he did was to tell me he wanted to be friends.

anyway. this is helping me reflect on when I’ve done this to people too.

thank you universe for saving me from asking him to go to a grocery store together lmfao

[mistrick]

thank you universe for saving me from asking him to go to a grocery store together lmfao