mizata - Tumblr blog

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Self-reflection

It hasn't been the best year

Some good days, some gooder days

Still questioning many decisions

Gotta keep on keeping on.

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It is done

Well there it is.

I finally did it.

Walking away from this company is probably one of the greatest challenges i've faced.

I'll be leaving behind a lot of good people, but i hope i get to maintain the relationships with them.

Been thinking a lot about my life choices lately.

Still need to figure out wtf i want to do with my life and with myself.

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Deep cleaning

Harder than usual today.

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Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

Back to the drawing board.

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It all changes all the time/ And everything is going to be just fine

Today i got reminded of the anxiety of yesteryears.

The start of it all.

And it was sorely sore.

So much left to unpack and process.

So so much.

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Echoes

It resonates again.

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Trip's been kind.

It's a different kind of adventure, but also not so different.

There's exploration, spontaneity with a plan, abrupt changes, and a flow.

Flow.

Cue the line from Hilary Duff's "Coming clean".

The pain is still there though.

The fantasy that I hold on to.

Where the continuum of change brings us full circle.

Maybe I'm too caught up in the past and my penchant for rumination and nostalgia is clouding my logical and emotional judgement.

This still sucks. To an extent.

Last dinosaurs - Apollo.

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Catch

Sometimes i catch myself worrying.

Then i remember it's not my place anymore.

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Some songs hurt so good.

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Traguhdy

This bout of negativity is perpetuating longer than i would like it to be.

I've suddenly lost composure and a grip on reality.

Work dreams/nightmares are getting scarily closer to reality, the sense of loneliness still permeates 98% of my existence.

I'm so caught in this vicious cycle of indecision that I'm not feeding either of the wolves inside me.

They're just.

Starving.

Maybe i don't know how to reach out for help. Maybe i think i am but i'm really not.

How long do i allow myself to feel my feelings for?

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QOTD

Learned helplessness.

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Work slump

Fight/flight response was activated today.

Feels like i've been feeling too much of this over the past year.

I don't like it.

I really really don't.

Maybe i shouldn't have looked.

I'm not ready yet.

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The journey so far

Ups and downs since the start.

Looking like a lot more ups these days.

Revisiting mems don't hurt as much.

Change is the only constant.

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Version

Definitely not my best self today.

One foot in front of the other then.

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Do I really need to say goodbye?

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Therapy

Therapy today was good.

Powerful discussions and exercises made me believe a little more in all that "healing your inner child" thing.

Listed out many things that i wanted to work on, but among the work stress, relationship-related rumination and longing/semi backsies, anxieties and worries about life and family, this one was the most surprising.

I hope to come out a better creature through this.

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Time

Have i not had enough time to think it over?

Been pretty emotionally charged these few weeks.

The temptation to reach out is strong, but i should respect the boundaries.

Ye.