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NEW SPOKEN WORD

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If I Die tonight

If I should die tonight in this war of materialism, capitalism, and empire building, and you find my body lying on the cold asphalt in a pool of blood. Understand I attempted my best. I was fighting to stay in sunlight, fighting to be on a freedom ride. I know I could have been a better father, son, brother, lover, husband. But even after I gave it all my best thoughts, I still only knew what I knew.  I lived by the gun with determination and hustle collecting funds. I counted on cash money not tomorrow; the rent is always due. My demons became soldiers and comrades. Facing fears that came with tears. I’ve seen and done things that will never allow me to go back. Tell the babies, Daddy lost his way home, he may not make it back. So, I push forward, I didn't choose life, life chose me. Living a life comparable to a nightmare so others can live their dreams. What a sick way of thinking I'm living free. Walking the earth with bedazzled shackles around my wrist calloused hands picking treasures out of dirty gutters. This I do because I promised you tomorrow.  I've stolen many tomorrows’ knowing tomorrow was never mine to see. This was the only way I knew, you're the reward worth every risk. I need you to know if I should die tonight.

If I should die tonight in this war of principalities, immoralities, and ritualistic informalities. Please know I forgive you; I thank you, and I love you. To no one else have I ever felt close. Now I sit with you as a ghost haunting your memories missing you more than life itself. I didn't have a clue as to when I was going to be right. So, I left you my love to hold until I return to take its place in your arms. I’ve seen and done things that will never allow me to go back. Change brings losses and lessons to teach accountability. This "Y" on our road will now only travel one, it will not allow us to walk side by side any longer. Make no apologies because it was all you are that brought forth the best in me. I have your love and memories forever with me. If I should die tonight.

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Word From the Author

           Let me state first that these writings are not autobiographical but come from unique perspectives. Each essay and poem have its own distinct perspective. Good, bad, right, or wrong, these poetic writings have been inspired by conversations with men, women, gay, straight, them, and they from various backgrounds about the most intimate parts of their lives. Black, white, brown, rich, and poor, humans with different experiences regarding their roles and/or contributions in the realm of a “male’s place in society” that has turned into what society has deemed “male toxicity.” For what is male toxicity but untreated/unhealed human trauma? In a time where social rules are changing, intellects are awakening minds to the ill effects toxicity produces. From racism to gender wars, placing each of us against each other for one reason or another.

The patriarchal rule, “it’s a man’s world,” has forbidden male vulnerability to be shown. Yet in finding the solution to healing the wounds this toxicity has put on our society WE ALL have forgotten the main ingredient in healing ALL BEINGS affected: Love. Everyone is finger pointing, looking for someone or something to blame from history to religion. Making Gods and Devils, heroes, and villains. These writings aren’t here to excuse or scapegoat anyone’s evil actions but to offer an intimate glimpse into masculine emotion that has been labeled heartless. Unmasking the masculine emotion behind patriarchal decisions that are never shared. The masculine emotion man is shamed for showing. Unmasking the same masculine emotion that has become dead weight and left man holding that weight while standing on a raft in the middle of the sea. The masculine emotion of strength that man is made to believe makes him weak. This weight does not only drown bad men but good men too. Whether male or female, they or them, evil does not care what human host gives it a home. Is life not suffering? Do not all humans experience struggle, defeat, and their smothering depths?

All characters are fictional in these poetically inspired stories of human experiences. It is written in the first-person narrative to stimulate the thought process. With these writings I hope to dispel any myths about male strength and vulnerability; may these writings be an act of contrition, a show of male vulnerability society is owed, maybe give answers to some unanswered questions. May this be the starting line to ultimately show that “man” is not the enemy—evil humans are. Even fools want a better world. It doesn’t make them foolish. Masculinity is no more the enemy than femininity is; both are fallible. One is nothing without the other, without one the other falls weak and dies. May these writings be the starting lines that start the discussions to begin healing and changing paradigms.

 -Michael Wade

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They Always Kill the Messenger

They Always Kill the Messenger

Poetic Essay by Michael Wade

��Everyone walking around mad, as if the next man owes him money, now the debtor is late on the payback. As if every payday is on Friday and the pay is either short, late, or downright absent. People lost in emotions and don’t know how to handle it. Cursed with being stuck in emotional loops. Feeling robbed and duped left holding a reality they did not choose. Forced to play the character in a show no one wants to play. Misplaced trust replaces the vitamins with supplements, humans with robots. This is punishment for strengthening your greatest defense... your intelligence. I choose to make you cry with truth because I would rather hurt your feelings with hopes you'll forgive me, than to see you played for the fool. Speaking a vocabulary from a forgotten language that speaks freedom, the language of revolution to a government, blasphemy to its God. I don’t care how much they yell "don't." They always kill the messenger.

I am death to my enemy, whomever the enemy may be. This is why the enemy killed me. Don't cry for me, my name isn’t important, what I left behind is. I expected this death, I knew this day would come. I found the buried treasure. I discovered the map that was hidden in plain sight. I discovered truth, I uncovered lies. I told the babies, so the flowers may grow. That was my crime, tales told in scriptures I left behind. The sin I committed that released my soul from my shell. I was only human, yin and yang, Able and Cain. I witnessed madness from the crossroads of insanity and sane. I did it for love, I did it for self, I did it because I'm vain. Yet, I won't benefit for this sacrifice. Only time tells who history gets to forget. Not everyone will ride on the spaceship when this planet blows, not everyone will make the list. As I say this you can believe I don't care how much they yell, "don’t". They always kill the messenger.

It is the "fear of shame" that is used to control. It is the fear of shame that allows three percent of thirteen to act high & mighty, bourgeois. A highly effective tool this "fear” of shame is. It is the fear of shame that keeps people trapped in proverbial closets. It is the fear of shame that allows the one with the biggest gun to make the rules, be the protector and murderer. This why they make the loudest sing wearing the biggest jewels, to distract you. Shame keeps the storyteller from telling the greatest story ever told. Courage, bravery are virtues that have been perverted, definitions redefined. Shame is used to keep victims from going after their justice. Refusal to rub the lamp will not get you your wishes. Refusing to gamble won't win you the jackpot. The fear of shame, the fear of others seeing where you are weak. The fear of revealing to the world the true "you" that is hidden. The real "you" who you work hard to hide. It is shame that gives man nightmares and manifests Jekyll and Hyde. Someone always pays, even if it’s only one, this always hold true. They always kill the messenger.  

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