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mjbanaag-blog · 7 years

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Nine Lessons for Breakups

It’s Not You, It’s God

Article by Marshall Segal, Staff writer, desiringGod.org

Some of a single person’s darkest days fall after a breakup.

You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the memories, and dreamed your dreams together — and it fell apart. Now, you’re back at square one in the quest for marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the altar, because of all you’ve spent and lost.

No one begins dating someone hoping to break it off someday. The wiring in most of us has us longing for the wedding day. We’re looking, sometimes it feels frantically, for love, for affection and security and companionship and commitment and intimacy and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn’t made getting married easy.

The Pain of Intimacy Without Matrimony

The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically. The pain cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in their lives. I feel it deeply even typing these words. It’s one of the hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that fell short of matrimony.

Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us have or will walk this dark and lonely road. So here are nine lessons for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet marriage.

1. It’s okay to cry — and you probably should.

Breakups almost always hurt. Maybe you didn’t see it coming, and the other person suddenly wants out. Maybe you were convinced it needed to end, but knew how hard it would be to tell them. Maybe you’ve been together for years. Maybe you love their family and friends. Without the ceremony and covenant, it’s not a divorce, but it can feel like it.

It feels like divorce for a reason. You weren’t made for this misery. God engineered romance to express itself in fidelity and loyalty — in oneness (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:2–13). Because dating is only a means to marriage, God’s design for our marriages speaks to his design for our dating relationships. Dating that dives in too quickly or dumps too carelessly does not reflect God’s intention.

This doesn’t mean every dating relationship should end in marriage, but it does mean breakups will hurt. Sorrow in the midst of the severing is not only appropriate, but good. It’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of. God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts, like Christ’s lasting love for his bride. So feel free to feel, and know that the pain points to something beautiful about your God and his undying love for you.

And if it doesn’t hurt, it probably should. If you can come in and out of romance without pain or remorse, something sounds out of sync. This doesn’t mean you have to be ruined by every breakup, but there should be a sense that this isn’t right — it’s not how it’s supposed to be. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed. God needs to show some of us the gravity of failed relationships because of what they wrongly suggest about him and his love for the church.

2. Don’t try again too quickly.

Knowing and embracing God’s design for permanence in marriage and dating will help us feel appropriately, but it will also help us take healthy next steps in our pursuit of marriage. One of the worst and most popular mistakes is moving on to the next one too soon. Especially in the age of online dating and social media, we really don’t have to work very hard to find another prospect.

“God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed.”TweetShare on Facebook

Affection can be an addiction. If you’ve been on dates, held hands, seen smiles, exchanged notes, experienced the sweetness of another’s attention and affirmation, you will want more. And the easiest way to find it is to rebound right away. But if we care about God, our witness, our ex, and our future significant other, we’ll wait, pray, and date patiently and carefully. It’s too easy to leave a trail of wounded people behind in our pursuit of a partner.

It’s a lie to think that you’re not moving toward marriage if you’re not dating someone right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your future spouse is to not date. If your history looks serial, you might need to break up with dating for a while. It can be a time to regroup, grow, and discover a new rhythm for your future relationship.

3. You may have failed, but God didn’t.

The relationship may be over because of a specific character flaw or failure. There are things about us — weaknesses or patterns of behavior — that may disqualify us for marriage with a particular person. But it does not nullify God’s grace to and through you.

Sin in relationships is some of the most visible and painful. As we let each other further and further into our lives and hearts, the sin is more likely to show itself and to cut the other person more deeply. In the right measure, it is the good and proper risk of all Christian fellowship. As people come closer, and we need this in true Christian community, our sin inevitably becomes more dangerous. Our mess is more likely to splash onto others, and theirs on us.

But whoever has done the failing in your breakup, it wasn’t God. Because of Jesus, his promises never to leave or forsake you are true every moment and in every relationship status. If you are trusting in Christ for the forgiveness of your sin and striving to follow him and his word, God has never abandoned you, and he will never abandon you. God didn’t take a break from loving you in your breakup — even if you’re the reason it’s over. His purposes are bigger than your blunders.

4. You are better having loved and lost.

There’s a unique shame and brokenness associated with breakups. Relationships and love may be celebrated more in the church than anywhere else because we (rightly) love marriage so much. Unfortunately, these same convictions often make breakups an uncomfortable conversation — at best embarrassing and at worst scandalous or humiliating.

You feel like damaged goods, like you’ve been ruined in God’s eyes or in the eyes of others. The hard-to-believe, but beautiful truth is that broken-up you is a better you. If in your sorrow you turn to the Lord and repent of whatever sin you brought to this relationship, you are as precious to your heavenly Father as you have ever been, and he is using every inch of your heartache, failure, or regret to make you more of what he created you to be and to give you more of what he created you to enjoy — himself.

When one prize is stripped away, we can graciously be reminded of how little we have apart from Christ and the fortune he’s purchased for us with his blood. He has become for us wisdom for the foolish, righteousness for sinners, sanctification for the broken, and redemption for the lost and afraid (1 Corinthians 1:30) — and affection and security and identity for the lonely man or woman reeling after the end of a relationship. So even in the aftermath of a breakup we have reason to boast, as long as our boast is in everything Christ is for us (1 Corinthians 1:31).

In Jesus, God is always and only doing good to you. There’s no circumstance facing you that he’s not engineering to give you deep and durable life and freedom and joy. He loves our lasting joy in him much more than he loves our temporary comfort today. He’ll make the trade any day, and we can be glad he does. Know that God is doing good, even when we feel worst.

5. Even if you can’t be friends now, you will be siblings forever.

For Christian relationships, breakups are never the end. Whether it sounds appealing now or not, you will be together forever (Revelation 7:9–10). And you’ll do so in a new world where no one is married, and everyone is happy (Matthew 22:30; Psalm 16:11). Sounds too good to be true, right? So what would it mean to move on and think about our ex in light of eternity?

“Because of God’s good and sovereign grace, you are better having loved and lost.”TweetShare on Facebook

While you will meet again and forever in heaven, you may not be able to be friends now. And that is not necessarily sinful. In fact, in many cases, the healthiest thing emotionally and spiritually will be to create some space and boundaries. Hearts that have been given away, at whatever level, need to heal and develop new expectations again.

Reconciliation does not require closeness. It does require forgiveness and brotherly love. You could start by praying for them, even when you can’t handle talking to them. Pray that their faith would increase, that God would bring believing brothers or sisters around them, that he would heal and restore their heart, that he would make them more like Jesus.

We need to learn to live today in our relationships, old and new, in light of our eternity together. Our patience, kindness, and forgiveness in breakups will shine beautifully next to the selfish, vindictive responses modeled in reality TV and adopted thoughtlessly by the rest of the world.

6. “It’s not you, it’s God” is not enough.

It might be one of the most popular Christian break-up lines. “God is leading me to do this.” “God told me we need to break up.” “I saw a vision in a bush on my way to class and we weren’t together.” All of them can probably be summed up like this: “Look, it’s not you, it’s God.”

God very well may lead you to a breakup, but don’t use him as a scapegoat. Own your own sin and ask for forgiveness where it is needed. Then be honest about how you came to this decision, how he made this direction clear to you. Sure, some things will be intangible, but find the tangible factors. This is not a license to say harmful things, but helpful things, even if they may hurt initially.

First, it’s wise not to be alone in your opinion about the need to break up. Yes, your boyfriend or girlfriend may not agree, but you need to share and confirm your perspective with someone who loves Jesus and both of you. Go to someone you know can assess your heart in wanting to get out. If it can be a married man or woman, all the better. Talk to someone who knows what it takes to persevere in marriage, and see what they think about your “deal-breaker(s)” in the relationship.

Our imagination, especially in an emotional crisis, can be a lethal weapon that Satan leverages against us for evil. When we leave everything vague and spiritual, our ex will not, and the majority of what their mind creates will be lies from the devil to destroy them. Give them enough information about how God led you to this decision without crushing them or tearing them down.

I say “enough” because there are lots of true-but-unhelpful things you could say. Again, run your talking points past a Christian brother or sister before taking them to your soon-to-be ex. In the end, they don’t have to agree with you, but it’s loving to help them toward the clarity and closure you’re feeling. It just may free them to grow and move forward sooner and with fewer questions.

7. Your Father knows your needs.

You’re probably questioning this in the wake of your breakup, but God does know what you need, and he’s never too slow to provide it. He might reveal things to you about the things you thought you needed. Or he might simply show you how much more you need him than anything or anyone else.

God feeds the unemployed birds of the air (Matthew 6:26). God grows the flowers of the field and makes them beautiful, even though they’ll be cut, stomped, eaten, or frozen in a matter of days or weeks (Matthew 6:28–30). How much more will this Father care and provide for his blood-bought children?

When you ask for a husband, he won’t give you a snake. When you ask for a wife, he won’t give you a scorpion. Even when it looks like he’s done you harm, he hasn’t. He loves you. He knows what’s best for you. And all things are at his disposal. All things.

One way God provides for us through breakups is by making it clear — by whatever means and for whatever reason — this relationship was not his plan for our marriage. The heart of Christian dating is looking for clarity more than intimacy. This probably won’t taste sweet in the moment, but if you treasure clarity, breakups won’t be all bad news. We all know some of the news we need most is hardest for a time, but fruitful down the road.

Trust him to provide for you each day (or year) whether you get married or not. If you do get married, know that he will bring the imperfect man or woman you need.

8. Learn from love lost.

One of Satan’s greatest victories in a breakup is convincing a guy or girl, “It was all the other person’s fault, and I’ve already arrived as a future husband or wife.” The reality is no one — married or not — has fully arrived this side of glory. We are all flawed and filled with the Spirit, so we will all always be learning and growing as people and spouses — present or future.

After the emotional tidal wave has crashed and passed, take some time alone and then with close friends to assess where God’s carrying you — who he’s making you to be — through this. Identify an area or areas where you want to strive to be more gracious or more discerning or more faithful — more like Jesus — moving forward.

You won’t have many relational crossroads more intense, personal, and specific as a breakup, so it truly is a unique time for some hopeful, healthy introspection, checked and balanced by some other believers.

9. Jesus will help you find joy in the shadows of heartbreak.

When we’re left alone and feeling abandoned, it’s really hard to believe anyone knows what we’re going through. That may even be true of the good-intentioned people around you. It is not true of Jesus.

This Jesus came and was broken to give hope to the broken. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory; and in his name the Gentiles will have hope” (Matthew 12:20–21).

“Jesus came and was broken to give hope to the broken.”TweetShare on Facebook

The joy is not in knowing that Jesus had it hard, too. Not much comfort there. The joy is in knowing that the one who suffered in your place died and rose again to end suffering for his saints. God saved the world and defeated death through his suffering, and your suffering in the midst of your walk with Jesus — in this case, in a breakup — unites you to that victory, the greatest victory ever won. For those who hope in Jesus, all pain — unexpected cancer, unfair criticism, an unwanted break up — was given an expiration date and repurposed until then to unite us in love to our suffering Savior.

Jesus went before the broken-hearted to pave the way for joy in pain. We live, survive, and thrive by looking to him, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). His joy before the wrath of God against sin is our first and greatest reason to fight for joy — not just survival — after a breakup.

If you believe that, then make the most of this breakup, knowing God has chosen this particular path to grow and gratify you in ways that last. No relationship you have in this life will last forever, but the good things that happen through them in you — even through their sorrows, yes even through their collapses — will.

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mjbanaag-blog · 7 years

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5 Signs the Person You're Dating is Not Your Future Spouse

Three college friends and I sat in a hotel lounge, chatting about our younger days. “What was I thinking? The signs were all there, telling me he was Mr. Wrong,” one of them said as she sipped her latte. “I didn’t see the red flags ‘cause I was too busy being in love with the idea of being loved.”

“Me too,” my other friend said. “Why didn’t someone write the book on how to find the man of your dreams?”

All four of us chuckled. We graduated from the same college, lived in the same dorm. And, though none of us would admit it, we shared similar restlessness about finding the right man. We attended classes but in that college campus, what we secretly studied was the male population, hoping one of them would be husband material.

In general, the search was fun. But at times, high expectations ended up in deep disappointment. And other times, the “love” we chased ended up with heartache chasing us instead.

But even with a few scars, we made it through. And now after three of them divorced, leaving me as the only one who is still married to my college sweetheart, we possess a wealth of insight. Most of which comes from experiences lived, episodes endured, and lessons learned in the classroom of pain.

SEE ALSO: 5 Behaviors That Say Dump Him Now

How different our lives would have been if we only had the wisdom to heed these signs.

Sign 1: He allows his romance to turn into physical roaming.

And with soothing words, he attempts to invade the boundaries you clearly established more than once. Yet time and time again he insists, whispering he’ll love you forever hoping you’ll give in. Caution: that’s his testosterone talking, not a man of integrity who values and respects you. That’s when Satan goes into action repeating, “You’ll lose him if you don’t give in.” False. You’ll only lose your own integrity and gain the heartache that disobedience brings.

Time to assess: Should you fail in this area, God will forgive when you ask. He will grant you renewed clarity and peace. And with confidence, you can declare: “If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.” (Psalm 66:17-18)

SEE ALSO: Is it Okay to Break Off a Christian Engagement?

Sign 2: His sincerity is questionable.

When you speak of your Christian convictions, he agrees with you. When you invite him to visit your church, he goes along. But when you ask him to pray with you, he squirms. Or when discussing deeper issues regarding spirituality, he is ambiguous and distant. Warning: he might be going through the motions to win you over. This red flag needs to fly high reminding you he’s not the spiritual leader, the kind you need should marriage plans appear in the horizon.

Time to assess: Be true to God first and be sincere in your asking for His guidance to identify the strong spiritual leader with sound convictions and good character to be your future husband. Then confidently repeat, “Let me see your kindness to me in the morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for my prayer is sincere.” (Psalm 143:8-10, The LB-Paraphrased)

Sign 3: Others are warning you.

SEE ALSO: 4 Questions to Ask Yourself before Dating a Divorced Man

You think he’s the one because he “makes you feel so good.” But those around you who know you well and whom you respect give you warnings. They point out flaws you overlook because you’re so much “in love” that you’ve become deaf to their wisdom. But often feelings can be wrong. And emotions can blind one from seeing potential pitfalls.

Time to assess: Your own path to happiness might not be God’s way to bring you lasting joy. Reflect on the advice given, and no matter how well-defined your plans are, welcome wise counsel from those who love you because “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” (Proverbs 15:22)

Sign 4: Criticism becomes a pattern.

Sometimes you might mistake humility and patience when he is free with harsh criticism toward you and others. But when experiencing this during dating, it might be a sign of potential emotional abuse only to increase after that wedding day.

Time to assess: Because you are the daughter of the King, you mustn’t endure painful words, insensitive treatment or even rudeness. Expect to be treated with utmost respect because you know who you are—the masterpiece in God’s hands as you declare: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)

Sign 5: He’s in the red.

Although money is not the most important aspect of a relationship, it is the number one reason for divorce. And if marriage is a possibility with the man you’re dating, observe his attitude toward money, his spending habits and his commitment to tithe. Each will give you clues on what to expect should you become his wife. If he’s a creature that flings credit cards at every turn, that’s your clue to dig a little deeper. Otherwise, entering into marriage with debt, money issues and financial troubles will surely have you walking down the aisle toward the altar of disaster.

Time to assess: What does he treasure? What is he storing in his heart? This is the standard by which you must measure him: “… store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:20)

Whether you’re 20 or 60 years old, or whether it’s your first date or you’re about to send out wedding invitations, bring your girlfriend with you. Her name is “wisdom.” God’s wisdom will help you answer these two vital questions: Does this man love God more than he loves me? And do his words, actions, attitude, demeanor, dreams and character reflect this conviction?

The answer to these questions will determine whether decades later you’ll be drinking the latte of regret or sipping the fresh water of true happiness in marriage.

Janet Perez Eckles

#marriage #godlydating #relationship #love

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mjbanaag-blog · 7 years

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Will God Tell Me When It's Time to Break Up?

“I’m hoarse from calling for help, bleary-eyed from searching the sky for God... Me? I pray. God, it’s time for a break! God, answer in love! Answer with your sure salvation!... I’m hurt and in pain; Give me space for healing, and mountain air.” (Psalm 69:3, 13, 29)

Serving as mentor, Bible study leader, and perpetually known “researcher/student of life,” I have experienced the gamut of questions when it comes to relationships. One, however, that perpetually finds its way into conversation from time to time is that of God’s will, and specific to dating relationships, that of “if s/he’s not the one, will God tell me when it’s time to break up?”

As a teenager and college student, I would (comically) pray that my future husband would just happen to be found under a big neon sign that read, “This one here… he’s yours!” I was (resolutely) hopeful for a series of dreams (and if a spiritual mentor had the same dreams on the same night, that would be mighty helpful as well). If nothing else, I was hopeful (or wishfully thinking) that strong confirmation would guarantee that if I were to break up with a person, the “right one” would step into my life shortly thereafter, confirming all the more that my decision was all a part of a pre-scripted storyline o’ my life.

In all of my hoping and wishing and dreaming, I failed to see that I was misunderstanding two very different issues: that of God’s will, and that of my dating relationship status.

Now, there is much theological debate which rest within two camps when it comes to Christian marriage: one camp says that God preordains your spouse and when you find him/her, you’ll know you were made for one another; the other focuses on the free will given in Christ, describing that because we are now free, there are many people we could marry. Simply pick one. This debate would take much beyond this article’s length to discuss (and most likely not provide a clear answer even if carefully deliberated), so taking liberty with Ephesians 5:31-32, let us just know, like Paul, “No longer two, they become ‘one flesh’. This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all.”

To be completely transparent, I truly do stand on this debate’s fence; I believe it’s both. There is something powerful about the Lord being so present in our daily lives that He surely leads us in many ways throughout the day as we lean into His discernment. In my own story, I felt I was supposed to go to a large gathering of 40,000 peaceful activists, as did my future husband; we met, spent the next five hours talking, and both knew within days that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Our decision was based on how we both felt the peace of God very clearly and because we both had spent our single years actively seeking the Lord and recognizing what we wanted in a spouse.

“Oh sure,” you might say, “Good for you. But what do I do when I’m in a relationship and I’m not sure if I should break up or stay together?” This is a major decision that truly can have life-altering outcomes. And while I wish we could look at each specific situation and discuss your story together, here are some considerations for you as you seek the Lord for direction:

1. ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME?

Ephesians 5 says, “Don’t waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness. Expose these things for the sham they are. It’s a scandal when people waste their lives on things they must do in the darkness where no one will see. Rip the cover off those frauds and see how attractive they look in the light of Christ. Wake up from your sleep, Climb out of your coffins; Christ will show you the light! So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times! Don’t live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants.”

Are you actively spending your time together in ways that make you both stronger as people? Are you experiencing more adventure, increasing in curiosity, and together celebrating wonder (whether found in music, poetry, generosity, compassion, nature, worship)? Or are you always arguing, lamenting how you don’t align on key issues, or remain divided on how life is to be experienced?

Seasons of life or personality types may offer specific challenges, and becoming unified is certainly a matter that takes dedicated, focused effort. My husband is introverted; I am extroverted, so we do not always see eye to eye as to how we want to spend an evening. But if you are constantly “trying to make things work,” or if you are hiding parts of your relationship from those to whom you are accountable, prayerfully consider that it might be time to move on.

2. ARE YOU DIGNIFYING ONE ANOTHER?

The number one rule my husband and I have in our relationship is to protect each other’s dignity. Albeit this rule came about because I was incessantly listening to “By Our Love”on my music playlist at the beginning of our relationship. But as we together discussed how we wanted to define “us”, we recognized that the world should in fact know that we are Christians by the way that we as spouses love and treat one another. The lyrics read, “We will work with each other, we will work side by side, and we’ll guard each other’s dignity and save each other’s pride.”

Dignity means that you take 1 Corinthians 13’s love and put it on display. You guard your words, not telling your insider information about your spouse at a dinner party in order to get a laugh at your spouse’s expense. It means you tell the truth even if it hurts, and you share about your struggles, because you grant them dignity in walking together with you (and they in return are careful not to judge or be prideful because they too are sinners in need of support for other sins). You guard them when others attempt to demean them, and you yourself work to listen empathetically rather than pointing fingers.

Is this rule an easy one to follow? Absolutely not! It requires grace upon grace that can only come from the Lord, and it certainly is a work in progress. But if you find that you are in a degrading relationship where you come away from the other feeling the need to be uplifted or encouraged (and especially if you are thinking of another specific person of the opposite sex to be encouraged by), it might be time to reconsider why you are in the relationship. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage… What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-28, 32-33)

3. ARE YOU SEEKING A WEDDING/STATUS OR A PARTICULAR PERSON?

I understand long-term singleness; I held my place known as the single girl who never had a man to write home about for the first 28 years of my life. Oh sure, I dated once in awhile, but I could never feel the peace that came when I met my husband; we married when I was 29. One of the reasons, I believe, our relationship blossomed so quickly (and was fully supported by our family and inner circle of friends, mentors and accountability partners) was because when we met, we were not looking for a mate. We both had suffered the mind games of going into the grocery store, church, the gym, and thinking over and over, “Hmm… is that him/her? What about that person?” Enough was enough for us both.

With crucial seasons coming before us (he, seeking the Lord in a wholehearted manner; I was starting a master’s program and running my own business), we both were in heart seasons in which we were not trying to cross the line of “marriage with the white dress and a house so I never have to be alone.” And yet, we recognized within the first few days of getting to know one another, life was simply better because that person was around.

I had lost my dad to heart disease at 13, and as an only child with a disabled mother, I was fiercely independent who never trusted men to stay around. Suddenly, there was someone who gave of himself, who offered to drive me to a doctor’s appointment (and taking off work to do it, all the while never acting the hero but simply the servant). I realized that here was a male best friend like I’d never had - we had loads of fun together, cried together, talked endlessly about social justice and theology and worship and God’s Word, and stretched each other when he wanted to do something physically daring (like jump off a waterfall) and I wanted to go swing dancing. Life was richer because we were together, and the more we got to know one another, the more we realized we wanted to do mundane and mourning, exciting and stretching - all of it - as a united pair.

Are you seeking to fill a gap in your heart that goes beyond the person in front of you? If yes, seek the Lord’s direction on how He might fill it. During my single days, I wept on numerous occasions, begging the Lord to place me in a family with a husband and in-laws and the whole bit. But I also served in the community, I had great roommates and friends in similar seasons with whom to do life, and I was determined that being single was better than being married to one who would not encourage me to be the best me (and it saved me a lot of heartache that would have involved other people).

Consider if you are seeking to fill dreams that have not yet been met, or if you are truly in the relationship because you and your dating partner make each other better in the Lord, in your community, in your individual pursuits and in your shared goals.

Breaking up is never easy, but if you truly want to serve your own and your partner’s heart well (and you aren’t committed to the long term), it’s time to cut ties and your own control, and let the Lord guide you on an adventure based on freedom and wonder.

Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here’s what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful; Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you’re worth. God looks on all this with approval, listening and responding well to what he’s asked. (1 Peter 3:8-12, MSG)

-Julie Langford

#godlydating #relationship #breakups #love

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mjbanaag-blog · 7 years

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What Does It Mean Being a Classy Woman?

Women keep hearing over and over from guys in different situations that men want to date and have relationships with a classy woman. Just take a look at most of the men’s dating profiles, and you will see that practically all of them want to meet and date a woman who has “class.” Indeed, being called “classy” is an ultimate compliment to a woman. But, what does it really mean being classy? After searching the internet for an answer to this question, I wasn’t very satisfied, because every attempt to define a “classy woman” had one fundamental flaw. A woman can have all the qualities that make her classy according to those sources and still not have much class. The formal definition of being “classy” also doesn’t add much to understanding what class means in the context of dating and attraction.

For instance, being a sharp dresser, clean, and not using profanities are certainly qualities that flatter to a woman, but… they hardly make her come across as having “class,” if she talks too much and constantly draws attention to her persona. Being professional, educated, and having a great sense of humor are very attractive qualities in a woman. However, if she has temper issues this pretty much cancels out her potential to come across as classy.

I truly believe that just like in the case of distinction between flirting and regular conversation, being classy is not in the “what” but in the “how.” It’s how you act, how you carry yourself, how you express yourself and how you live your life that determines class. A very small minority of women who don’t have a lot of class are able to develop that quality and become truly classy. Doing this requires reflecting on your own self, recognizing those qualities that you are missing and having which would make you more classy (something that few, if any women, would want to do) and working in all the necessary directions to build that attractive flair of class and sophistication.

However, if you believe that you belong to that minority of women who are open to constructive self-criticism and you are willing to take a few practical steps toward becoming more classy, here are some of the fundamental elements of a woman’s personality that makes her more “classy:”

1. Being a Classy Woman Means Having Broad Formal and “Real Life” Education, Wit, and Sense of Humor

There is no way around it – perceived class has little weight and value if the person behind it has no interesting thoughts, opinions, views or observations. Being a classy woman requires an ability to share and challenge ideas and be an engaging company. This doesn’t mean that you have to argue or try to prove that you are right all the time. You do have to be able to possess a degree of sense of humor and wit, and enjoy playful banter, as it’s an integral part of flirting and intellectual foreplay.

2. Being A Classy Woman Means Having Real Style

A sense of fashion is an integral part of class. While having an eclectic style may be considered “cool,” if you want to come across as a classy dresser, you can hardly go wrong with a business/casual look or a simple, clean cut, fitting (but not too fitting) attire. Simple, straight colors (white, black, blue) flatter most women. Following temporary, mediocre fashion trends and fads certainly does not add to being classy. This doesn’t mean that you have to look boring or that you always have to blend in, but it does mean that you should not look like someone who is dying for attention for those who are around her at any cost.

So many women (and men of course) out there are trying so hart to stand our and be different in all the wrong ways. Green/orange/blue hair, tattoos and piercings all over or otherwise looking like a girl with a dragon tattoo might help you express your individuality but they are surely not a sign of being classy or sophisticated.

3. Being A Classy Woman Means Having Feminine Demeanor and Manners

A classy woman is in touch with her femininity. Her mission in life is not in challenging men and competing with men wherever possible; she enjoys pleasing men without feeling ashamed of it, and is proud to be a woman. She recognizes the differences between men and women in psychology, physiology and sexuality and accepts those differences as laws of nature. As such, she does not hate men, and is not overly skeptical or pessimistic about her ability to fall in love and enjoy great romance.

4. Being a Classy Woman Means Being Elegant

This concept, along with femininity and style is hard to define, and the formal definition of “elegance” is again of not much use. Many guys would know elegance when they see it, but this kind of statement is of little use to a woman who wants to become more elegant. Elegance is the manner in which a woman carries her self in just about every situation. Elegance is in her voice, movement and body language, manner of speech, the way she stands sits, and responds to other people around her. Some of these traits, such as voice, and a walk – are part of our nature, while other elements of elegance, such as our interpersonal skills are strongly linked to our upbringing. Other qualities are acquired through habit or from friends and not all of them can be altered. Observing women who are known to be classy (whether on television or in real life), paying attention and trying to identify the specific elements of the behavior and actions that make them stand out and come across as more classy will take any woman who is willing to become more classy a long way toward that goal. It might be something as small and seemingly insignificant as a laughter of an actress that you would notice in a woman that strikes you as so much softer, feminine and attractive than the one you overheard the other night at a bar from a woman, whose entire body was covered with tattoos and piercings. However, when it comes to elegance and class, there is no such thing as small and insignificant. After all. being classy is a sum of many, many elements of one’s personality, behavior, and actions, some of which are more obvious than others, but all of which are essential for the “total package” to be considered elegant and classy.

5. A Classy Woman Knows the Importance of Subtlety

This is one of the most important qualities and distinguishing characteristic of having class. To be classy, you must be subtle in many areas of your life. Subtlety implies a degree of moderation, lack of flamboyance, lack of impulse to attract attention, and generally not trying too hard. A subtle woman has style but she doesn’t look like a designer model. She dresses sexy but does not look trashy like a typical stripper when going out; she puts such a small amount of perfume and make-up that one can barely tell that she has any; she talks just enough but certainly not too much and tends to be on a quite side; her laughter is pleasant to hear but not too loud; she hardly ever swears; and her voice is soft and sensual. A classy woman will usually come across as “low-key” in a social situation. This is not to say that she is shy or lacking confidence. On the contrary – her confidence puts her at ease and relieves her of any desire or need to validate herself to her company.

6. A Classy Woman Knows that Success is More Attractive when Coupled with Modesty and Humbleness

A woman who has true class and strong sense of self does not need to run around and tell everyone how smart and successful she is, whether it’s in “real” life, or on Facebook, LinkedIn, OkCupid or anywhere else. This urge to validate yourself through bragging is a clear sign of insecurity and of not being classy in both men and women. A classy woman lets her actions, rather than words, prove to others who she is, and she is not in a hurry to announce to everyone around how great she is. Whether she is at a job interview or on a date, a classy girl is not going to act like she is God’s gift to this world or to the person who she is talking to.

7. A Classy Woman Understands When Showing Pride Is Appropriate

A classy woman knows how to get angry the “right” way. She doesn’t get “ballistic,” abusive or violent with guys unless the circumstances really justify this kind of extreme response, which is very rare, as she knows that there is always a better option – to simply walk away from a bad situation.

http://www.practicalhappiness.com/classy-woman/

#class #classywoman #elegance #sophistication

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mjbanaag-blog · 7 years

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Overcoming a Critical Spirit

Question: “How can I overcome having a critical spirit?”

Answer: A critical spirit is not difficult to recognize. Its fruit is usually evident. Someone with a critical spirit is prone to complaining, seeing the glass as half-empty, ruing unmet expectations, sensing failure (in others more than in oneself), and being judgmental. Critical spirits are no fun to be around; neither are they fun to possess.

As with most sin, having a critical spirit is a perversion of something God made to be good—in this case, a longing for God and His perfection. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, “[God] has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.” We live in a fallen world, and we are often impatient to enter into the glorious perfection for which we were originally created. In a sense, it is good that we can see what’s lacking in this world; after all, the world is not as it should be, nor are we as we should be. Recognizing the world’s insufficiency helps us to acknowledge our need of a Savior. But having a critical spirit can blind us to the grace and beauty that God continues to bestow every day. A critical spirit can also be seen as a perversion of discernment. Often, those accused of having a critical spirit make valid points. They just make their points in an unpalatable manner.

Obviously, critical spirits are destructive, tearing down both the recipient and the giver of the criticisms (Galatians 5:14-15). The Bible speaks against such critical judgment. In Matthew 7:1-2 Jesus says, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” Jesus is not saying that we should not be discerning or that we should ignore the fallen nature of the world. He is also not saying that we must never, under any circumstance, criticize anyone else. In fact, the Bible tells us that we are to judge rightly (John 7:24). However, we are not to criticize with malicious intent or out of pride, hypocrisy, or self-righteousness. We cannot assume that we are impartial or that we can fairly exact our standards on others. Humans have naturally deceitful hearts (Jeremiah 17:9) that allow for blind spots and inappropriate comparisons. Only God can judge with perfect accuracy (Hebrews 4:12; James 4:11-12; 1 Samuel 16:7; 1 Chronicles 28:9; Isaiah 11:4; Revelation 19:11). And our discernment is only valid when it is informed by a renewed nature in Christ (2 Corinthians 2:14-16; John 16:13). Only when we are submitted to Christ and honest with ourselves will our judgment serve to edify rather than destroy.

So how do we overcome a critical spirit? The condition of our heart is crucial. Luke 6:45 says, “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Critical words spring from a critical heart. And a critical heart generally comes from a misunderstanding of God’s grace—either due to pride or a simple lack of information about God’s character and the meaning of salvation. Only when we understand our depravity apart from God and the depth of His grace will we be able to bestow grace to others (Romans 3:23; 6:23; Colossians 2:13-15; Ephesians 2:1-10). Those who struggle with a critical spirit know that they can never live up to their own standards. They are constantly judging others and themselves and always coming up lacking. But Christ fills this lack! He is perfect and righteous, and He freely grants that righteousness to those who believe in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21). The better we understand God’s grace, the more gracious we will be with others (1 Peter 2:1-3). And the more grateful we will be. The giving of thanks is a strong antidote to a critical spirit.

Another important area is our thought lives (Romans 12:1-2; 2 Corinthians 10:5). Rather than focus on what is missing, we should think about what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). This is not to say that we should ignore falsehood, injustice, ugliness, or imperfection. However, we should not dwell on the negatives. Paul instructed the Ephesians regarding this, “We are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ … so that [the body] builds itself up in love… . Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear… . Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:15-16, 29, 31-32). Sure, things could be better than they are, but love covers many sins (Proverbs 10:12). Forgiveness is a priority. As the Body of Christ, we speak out of a heart of love in order to build each other up. A critical spirit only serves to tear down (Ephesians 4:1-3; Galatians 6:1-5).

It can also be helpful to remind ourselves that we do not know the thoughts and intentions of others. At times, behavior reflects motivation, but not always. Before making a critical remark (whether aloud or to ourselves), we should pause and consider other possibilities. Is this person truly an uncaring jerk, or is he perhaps going through a difficult situation and in need of grace? The Golden Rule is a very helpful tool.

A critical spirit tears down those around us and robs us of our own ability to enjoy life. When we become overly critical, we miss out on the beauty that God has placed in this world. Small blessings go unnoticed, and we stop being thankful. Overcoming a critical spirit requires gratefulness, a willingness to forgive, an accurate understanding of God’s grace (it’s free!), an intentional refocusing of our thoughts, and a commitment to share the truth in love. Overcoming a critical spirit is a matter of sanctification, and we have the Holy Spirit’s help with that (2 Thessalonians 2:13). As we submit to God, read His Word, and pray for grace, we will find that the critical spirit gives up control to the Holy Spirit of Christ.

— gotquestions.org

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mjbanaag-blog · 7 years

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mjbanaag-blog · 7 years

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"Let God make a man out of him, before you try to make a husband out of him." #FaithQuotes

#faithquotes

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mjbanaag-blog · 7 years

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5 Warning Signs of a Spiritual Narcissist

“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” - 1 John 4:1

It’s sad to say, but not everyone who claims to be Christian is really a follower of Christ. Many are simply pursuing their own agendas, be it money, fame, or political influence. These false disciples come in many shapes and forms, but perhaps none is more dangerous as the Spiritual Narcissist. A Spiritual Narcissist is someone who uses the Gospel to build themselves up while they tear others down. If left unchecked, their actions can inflict devastating harm on both Christians and non-Christians alike.

Below are five warning signs that you may be dealing with a Spiritual Narcissist,

1.) They Constantly Reference their own Achievements

The Spiritual Narcissist loves to self-promote. For them, every conversation is an opportunity to share just how superior they are to the average believer. They typically go about this by listing off their own achievements. You’ll hear them talk incessantly about their upcoming book, their latest blog post, sermon series, missions work, or that time they led someone to Christ. Scripture tells us not seek our own glory and to let our work stand on its own (Proverbs 27:2), but the Spiritual Narcissist will flaunt anything they believe might bring them praise.

The best way for Christians to counter this display is to follow the example of Micah 6:8, live justly, show mercy, and walk humbly with the LORD your God.

2.) They Invade Conversations

The Spiritual Narcissist craves control, and their highest authority is always their own self-reference. As a result, it’s not uncommon for them to invade the personal or private conversations of others. They’ll often do this under the guise of “helping” or “correcting” fellow Christians, but they have no real interest in two-way dialogue. You’ll notice they also have a way of injecting their own opinions into situations, and are the first voice their complaints about recent events in the Church. The Biblewarns that such people create division among believers and serve only their own appetites (Romans 16:17-18, Psalms 36:1-4).

There’s no good way to speak with Spiritual Narcissists (Proverbs 26:4-5), the best response Christians can make is stand their ground and refuse to be bullied.

3.) They Twist Scripture

Susan B. Anthony once said, “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires”. In the same way, a Spiritual Narcissist uses scripture as a tool for their purpose instead of God’s. They approach the Bible with a closed mind, memorizing only a handful of useful verses that will justify their behavior. Anything else, particularly scripture that conflicts with their actions, gets ignored. Like the men of Jude 1:4, they should not to be trusted.

The best defense Christians have against this kind of faulty theology is to simply read the Bible. The more familiar we become with God’s work, the more familiar we become with God.

4.) They Profess Love, but Never Show It

Perhaps the easiest way to identify a Spiritual Narcissist is to see if their works match their words. Many will claim they have nothing but love and compassion in their hearts for those they rebuke, but their actions prove otherwise. Matthew 7 teaches us that we can judge a prophet by the fruit of his labors, “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.” So, what kind of harvest do they bring to God’s table? Division? Disdain? Cruelty?

Love is more than words, love is actions. That’s what separates the true Christian from the Spiritual Narcissist.

5.) They Talk, but They Don’t Listen

Listening can be a powerful tool for Christians. Listening builds trust, creates empathy, and fosters understanding among individuals. James 1:19 even urges believers to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. The Spiritual Narcissist, by contrast, is quick to speak, quick to take offense, and incapable of listening. They enjoy being the loudest one in the room, and the idea of deferring to someone else galls them.

A true Christian listens to others, even when they might not agree with them. Listening requires that we be selfless, which is the one thing a Spiritual Narcissist can never be.

By: Ryan Duncan

Crosswalk.com Entertainment Editor

#narcissism #warnings #christianwalk #faith #character

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