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I took a piece of your soul, I hope that you won't mind, intagible as it is, unquantifiable in magnitude. Anyways, I took a piece from you and I wrote it in a book. It was once a fresh book, but the leather binding has been cracking for a while, the ink was never strong, and the pages seemed like they were trying to run away but I still stuffed more in there out of determination, maybe I should have stopped writing long ago. It's hard to abandon an unfinished project. Well, I'm just writing to say, the story is finished. I'm putting you on a shelf in a public library and I'm letting go. You can have your soul back. This book can collect dust and be forgotten. I stand by my decisions.

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I lost you in a grocery store

I'd like it noted that at the moment life is good and I am neither sad nor heartbroken, nevertheless, this blurb comes as it does. It is in first person but it is not my story and I hope it never is, nor that of anyone.

I lost you in the grocery store. It was a quiet morning and the aisles were mostly empty. The radio was playing softly in the background but I paid it little heed. I was trying to decide which tomato sauce to buy when I heard your footsteps. Deep down I knew it couldn't be you but the sound was so convincing and my thoughts too far away to recognize the truth. My heart skipped a beat because after all these years, you still had that effect on me. I closed my eyes, anticipating a hug, but it didn't come. Of course it wasn't you. It couldn't be. A man said excuse me and chose the tomato sauce he wanted before walking away, his footsteps no longer sounding like yours. And I, I never bought the tomato sauce.

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The Joy of Planting

A few months ago I brought home the top of a pineapple that I found on the street (I hope someone wasn't intentionally drying it out there) and rooted it in water and today we planted it in soil and it just makes my heart so happy. I'm so happy to have played a part in nurturing that pineapple part into a plant and now it's all grown up and in soil and I wish everyone could feel this way. Growing things is so incredible. I bought a bonsai tree and it grew a new branch this month and I've been watching the progress of it and I feel pride for some reason because it's my tree and I've been caring for it and I sincerely hope that one day I'll own land and I can plant and water and just help the earth to flourish. Like how cool that I can be a part of that. That I am a part of that. I just want to live in harmony with the land and us both support each other to flourish and make life a better place. Because contact with nature makes people happier and reduces stress and plants give us oxygen and we water them so they grow and it's like a little recipe for happiness.

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Growing up is actually really exciting. I love seeing how I evolve. Everything from choosing room decorations to developing a sense of style and collecting hobbies -it's so cool. For the first time in my life, I bought jewelry that I connect to and its like I just learned how jewelry can be a self expression and it's beautiful to have discovered something I want to express. Of course we change throughout life but it's like I'm in the process of becoming a more and more complete picture. Like life is a piece of artwork and you're the art made by an artist who lived every day of your life and took the time to flesh out the details and create a piece of art with more depth than anyone can ever imagine or fully appreciate. Wow. Whoever I am is a work in progress and each brush stroke adds something new to the picture and makes it a little more beautiful and I'm excited to see what else makes an appearance on the canvas of me.

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So I wrote a poem about the stars. I mused about what they are and why they are. I determined that in a way we are stars. Then the app closed, the writing was gone, it is lost forever but not all things must be eternal. Value is not determined by longevity. Some things exist for their moment and when the moment passes they go with it.

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Everything has a start time. Everything has a finish time. Time will move. Life will change.

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I think it's a very wonderous thing that the sea continues to exist even when I cannot see it. The world is surely a better place simply because the oceans are here.

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Today's Moods

Wow, I can't believe I actually got to work on time.

I can't focus

We only see like 7 colors and even that's stretching it because are blue, indigo, and violet really three seperate colors. I wish there were more color categories and I am sad about our limitation.

Tired, so tired.

Happy. All is well. Is this what it feels like to be high?

Acceptance. This is how it is and make the best of it.

Homesick.

Contemplative -what if I just packed up my whole life and moved back in with parents and start again, though going back in time I think I'd make the same decisions all over again, play my cards the same way, walk the same path. But right now I want to just box it up and pause

Tired? I should sleep

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Gratitude for the gratitude

Ironic that I can take a compliment but gratitude leaves me speechless. I've settled upon what I think is an appropriate response to compliments, a proper expression of gratitude for their verbal gift. Giving gratitude isn't as hard as receiving it. "You're welcome" just doesn't have the same sincerity when it's an ancient formal expression that was handed to the child you were as a way to teach the concept of being glad to have done something for someone. "No problem" and "Don't mention it" are too dismissive. Even "my pleasure" sounds too cliche. Sometimes you can thank them back but sometimes reciprocating the gratitude is just well, awkward.

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Reasons to not have roommates:

Not having to wait for the shower.

Not having to wash other people's dishes so you can use them.

Not having guests that are not your own.

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The one who brings the prisoners food and extra blankets is still a jailer

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For all its gentleness buttering dry toast, hope is still a blade.

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Fortunate am I to have built a life I could miss when on vacation abroad. I hope to stay this lucky. I hope we're all this lucky. I wish people the clarity and the drive to create the life they want to live and to be satisfied with that.

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It's 3 am and I've finally accepted that I'm not falling back asleep any time soon. But I know reading often makes it easier to close my eyes but of course reading requires light and that's counterproductive to sleep. So I take the fairy lights from my wall and lay curled up on my bed with the string of fairy lights at the head of my book so I can read in the small light they provide and that's just life.

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Funny how landing in a different country can make a day feel like a week and a week feel like an eternity. Was it really so recent that I was there and not here? Can I really have been back for so short?

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Feeling a little like no one can hear me. Literally. I can hear you from across the house but when I speak so loud I feel it in my chest and I'm uncomfortable, the sound can't even carry though a simple, non-soundproof door? And people wonder why I don't speak so much!? Why bother when it's just going to go unheard anyways. Ironic for someone to love studying languages and never bother speaking them. I'm a paradox. And I'm frustrated because a door is not a sound barrier my yells can't cross but yet I'm unheard and all I wanted to say was those clothes you mentioned aren't mind. It's not some significant, profound revelation I want you to hear. Literally just want my voice to be heard on a literal, physical level. UGHH

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It's not about the baggage a person carries, it's about how they carry it