moisummertime - Tumblr blog

[moisummertime]

I didn't know what to do when I saw your message popped up on my phone notification.

All the memories, feelings, and everything flash back in front my eyes.

My brain keeps on playing the records from that night you made out with that girl, that night you told me I was too loud, that night you just tore my feelings apart.

That day when you told me I was clingy and you don't want anyone to see that we are together.

I didn't know why but I only remember those days...

Then I saw your face again after months... I didn't know what to do.

You're the card I didn't expect to pop up in this year, I thought it's over for good, and now after you are not texting me again for 20 days Im so fucking insane.

I wish I keep on playing all those bad memories I had, I wish I only remember on how awful you treated me, when all I tried was to treat you best I could. For God's sake, I just remember how in love I was with you. How thrilling it was to fall for you, how fun those nights we spent together, how good the smell of your perfume so every time I smell it I remember how intoxicating you were and your lips, I crave for them.

But Im scared... and I missed you, and I didn't know what would happened when I've had everything planned and laid out for the next months and you just popped up like all the things I did and prepared didnt matter at all. All those travels and stuff, it doesn't matter anymore? Just because I just realized how much I loved you and you reminded me of it?

Now Im trying to not deny anything. How I felt about you. All feelings, bad, good, best and even worst feelings you put me through. Im mad, i feel like a fucking mad bitch now for crying over you.

And for writing this blog again after I thought I moved on from you.

You're making me mad, and yes, I blame you.

[moisummertime]

Ok, now I can announce proudly that Im over Norman Fucking Rockwell. SO DAMN HAPPY. Although yea, stopping him is kinda stopping drugs, the withdrawal effect last few weeks but once it's done, it's done. Yesterday I rewatched a Drama "Because this is my first life." This drama is so heartwarming. It navigates both love and marriage life, and as someone who finally in her 30s, I kinda feel like this is so relatable. Like you need to find someone compatible with you before you decide on marrying them. And yea, now Im more thinking into settling down instead of just going on an adventure like, I think Im done for now with all those stuff. Im happy to experience life by myself and I look forward to share it with someone.

[moisummertime]

And somehow, I always find you. Everywhere I go, youre there.

[moisummertime]

[moisummertime]

It's like you take ten steps forward then 3 steps backwards. And now I'm in 3 steps backwards. But I'm still moving forward.

[moisummertime]

If you've been waiting for fallin' in love Babe, you don't have to wait on me 'Cause I've been aiming for heaven above But an angel ain't what I need

Not anyone, you're the one More than fun, you're the sanctuary

[moisummertime]

[moisummertime]

I think Mercury Retrograde start to bring my worst insecurities and I've been overthinking for the past few hours.I don't know if it's because I drank too much coffee today, but yep, it's been bothering me for a while now. Like, I just realized I gets so jealous of the people in Instagram, this thing never happened before. But I did get jealous of the people who got what I don't have. And somehow I start feeding my bad thought about it and I want it to stop. That's why I am here instead. I think I will answer the questions from Mercury Rx elections. Looking over the goals I made last month, is there anything I would change going forward? 1. I was so determined to finish my certification this month, yet, in this kind of heat I've been feeling so overwhelmed with everything that happened. 2. Moving on, although Ive been on so many dates lately, I feel like Im still enjoying the shadows, the aftermath, like Taylor Swift who gets inspired by breakups, Ive been feeling so drowned in the process and being extra philosophical about the relation turn out to be now. He is my karmic, so am I to him, and he even told me straight to my face he doesnt like me so yep. I've been romanticizing this bastard like I did with another bastards before him. Ok that is so strong, but they're mu types anyway :3 If I was given a second chance in my life , job or relationship, what would I do? Give the man and myself spaceeeee. Take certification early. and I hope to be born in different country, one with strongest passport. What courageous decision can I make in my life? Now... going home. Leaving this comfort behind... and back to face my reality. I wish all the fun and beautiful things last :((( I'm just sad to see myself being like this :(( How can I interact with world in a positive way. Less jealous.... less jealous of peopleeeee! They're happy, and I will too. Maybe not now, but I believe it's for the best! I can do it, I can do it!!!

[moisummertime]

Last November I went to this cleansing session and Bijou told me that the person I had karmic link with will come around February. When it comes to karmic link, I just knew, it's gonna be a fun roller coaster ride.

In a karmic relationship, two people may be brought together to work through unresolved issues or to learn important lessons from one another. These relationships can be intense and difficult, as the lessons and challenges they present may be painful or challenging to face.

Some people believe that karmic relationships are part of a larger spiritual journey and that by working through these challenges, individuals can gain greater understanding and personal growth. However, others may see them as a way of perpetuating negative patterns or behaviors, and may seek to break free from these relationships to pursue more positive connections. Ultimately, the meaning and purpose of a karmic relationship may vary depending on one's beliefs and personal experiences.

When it comes to karmic, I always think that it will never last, just like what happened to me and Z, it gave me a hugeeeee "Character Development". He's a very nice person and the thing is just, between us it doesnt work out. So when Norman Fucking Rockwell came into my life in February 2023, I decided to surrender. If this man and I made a soul contract before we came to the world to help each other becoming a better person, then let it be. It's the process that we both have to go through in life, and I know I'll be a better person once we are done with our business together. And yep, turned out just what I expected. Although Bijou said that he could be the one, but this man got other thing he needs to pursue and I might not in the capacity of being in his life even if he allows it. And probably how we end up now is the resolution we both expected. If the tarot reader who read my past life was right that I was a male general in WWI, I think this man probably one of women I left behind, or I should sacrifice for my ego. So in this life, the table turns. I always keep my mind open on these stuff, I don't know things better, even if it's true, I just hope in this life I am able to do things better than me in my previous life did. Even if it's not true, Im grateful for this character development. I honestly learned a lot.

[moisummertime]

Omgg I love this I look so cuteeee lol

[moisummertime]

The theme of this year is to do things not in my usual ways. Ever since Norman Fucking Rockwell said he wants to focus on himself and we're not seeing each other again in the way we used to, but still being friends despite of all the things that happen, I try to apply this to the other aspects of my life. To give the second chance I never gave anyone before. In certain situations, I found that some people indeed are worthy of second chance. Like Im aware, the nature of human is full of flaws. And I'm not a perfect person myself, why I should put expectations that people would do their best in first shot? It's through the mistakes they learn, and that's what I've been doing. Although not that many people are self aware enough but still as human being in this world full of deceptions and narcissists, being the best version of yourself is the way to make this world even more habitable. Yesterday I accidentally met Norman fucking Rockwell at Grazie and told him I reconnect with Germs and how we fell apart as friends. He said that Germs was an asshole, well I don't disagree but I understand that one label cannot define him as a whole person. Human has so many sides of themselves and it's part of the whole spectrum. Like now at least I know that I will def avoid Norman fucking Rockwell when he's partying and have fun with alcohol, I completely can't stand that part of him, but his everyday, healthy and undrunk self still charming for sure. And the fact that he's been working on himself it's is also good. That part of him something I couldn't embrace, but I do still care about him as friend. It doesn't make him less. And in fact it makes him human. Although I understand that in some case that this side of my of being accepting of someone else's flawless should have been limited to people who will definitely stay and build a life story with me, but idk. I somehow just know that both of us cross our path because we need to be the agent of change in our lives.

[moisummertime]

Ayaaaaaa Devin's phone is so goooood 😍

[moisummertime]

Turning 30. My phone broke so I took pic with my laptop. Not the best one, but you know what? Im a fucking Carrie Bradshaw. I thought I am Samantha, but I am Carrie. I write shits about dating life and that's what she did lol. ANYWAY. Im joining the 30s Clubs of the broken backbones lol

[moisummertime]

The Queen of Swords combines the mental clarity and intellectual power of the suit of Swords with the maturity and receptiveness of the Queen. You have the gift of being able to use your intellect and unbiased judgement while also remaining flexible and open to receive input from other sources. As you lead from the head and not the heart, you are better able to discern situations without the influence of emotion or sentimentality. You may believe that empathy or compassion towards others will distract you from the task at hand. Instead, you prefer to know the how, what, why, where, when and who of everything to help you make sense of your environment and better understand others. It is not that you do not care about others, but you connect with other people through an intellectual understanding rather than an emotional one.

The Queen of Swords notes that you are a truth-seeker. You are open to hearing the thoughts and opinions of others, but ultimately, you filter that information to decipher what is true and what is not. When interacting with others, you will not tolerate mistruths or excessive ‘fluff’. You prefer to get to the heart of the matter without engaging in too much chit-chat or gossip.

The Queen of Swords suggests that you have an innate ability to tell it like it is. You are a quick thinker and highly perceptive, piercing through the noise and confusion to get straight to the point. There is no ‘beating about the bush,’ or ‘softening’ of your comments, opinions and thoughts. You are upfront and honest in your views, and you expect the same from others. For this reason, many people respect your opinion and come to you for advice when they need clarity.

As a determined, independent and resilient person, you have established clear boundaries, and you are quick to call out someone who crosses them. People do not mess with you, not because you threaten them or inflict violence, but because you set expectations up front about how you want to be treated. Some people might be intimidated by you, but once they get past your tough exterior and develop a sense of trust and respect, they see your softer side.

In her book, Perel talked about how women are very much verbal when it comes to talk about their emotions. While for men, it's very much a prison when they are forced to express their emotions in words. They are more expressive with bodily language. While for women when they told you about how they feel, you can believe in what they said. While for men, you can believe in what they do. So when it comes to men it's always important to read the pattern of his actions. They might say something they want to say, but not really reflecting on what actually happen in the realm of his emotions. That is why kid, you can still listen to men, and believe their words, but better read his body language. You can see the polarity of their words and actions. You can take notes on what they said, what they do, how those combination made you feel, and how you see it in an objective perspective. What I do is not just listen, I observe. I put myself apart from my relationship with them, and eventually "Strip them naked". You'll see more when you observe, and you will save yourself from the possibility of a broken heart. Be the Queen of Swords. Your feelings are valid. You communicate them to the person who close to you so they can be more respectful of it, it's completely fine. Although respect is like the very basic needs of human interaction, and sometimes to me asking someone to be respectful show their inability to do it, it's still fine. You try your best to protect yourself. And if asking is too much, then as a person who request for a respect, you should have known how to respect yourself. I think it's completely important to stay respectful towards the person who didn't respect you. You hold your stance and value strong. It will never make you less. Respecting doesn't mean you don't try to hurt anyone. If being honest can be hurtful but it's how you showing respect to someone else sometimes. You understand the value of their time, their dedication, their attention, but if it's not for you, you talk about it respectfully. Respect should be part of everyone's value. but we still need to be open for any improvement in life. People can change, as everything else in this world will always changing.

[moisummertime]

Last night was awkward af lol. Like I thought I managed to avoid him during the day but in the evening to night.. gosh I had no idea how to respond but I just laughed. Had a date and we walked along the street to find him papaya salad, bumped to my Norman Fucking Rockwell, I saw him from distance, he had good time, brought some satay from the street vendor, looked super happy then he saw me. His face turned grumpy like I ruined his whole day. I somehow wondered why he hates me so much but well, I can't change someone's opinion about me If it's what they believed in. And poor guy had to avoided me because the guy went on a date with keep going to the direction he went. and boy, I thought it's over but it's not. When we drove back to his place, he suddenly forgot his direction, and again... we passed Norman Fucking Rockwell in his favorite bar, not once, but twice lol I told Ant and Jem, they laughed. I don't know what to feel about it, but yep, it's one of a kind night. Although at this point, I pretty much can predict Norman Fucking Rockwell and all his antics. Like nothing gonna hurt me anymore since I've seen them all. Pissed me off for sure, but you know whatever. I get use to it. I've seen this pattern before and even if he said his issue is nothing major, I can 100% guarantee my therapist will say the otherwise lol I mean astrological wise, he's also going a very difficult transformation now, and after my birthday he might reassess his ability to approach things and soon, he needs to reassess how he approach his relationships. And yep, from that combination of us, I am his trigger that will help him reassess everything. I won't say he's responsible of what he makes me feel, he also apologized, of which I accepted coldly (I mean it was annoying tho, who has the patience to be treated like that more than once?) But yea Ant told me that he doesnt want me around and it has nothing to do with me. Just like he doesnt accountable or responsible for the way he made me feel, Im not responsible for his reaction towards my presence which always triggers him. But anyway, my birthday is coming and I just want to focus on people who loves me so dearly. Byeeee~