mojitto

[mojitto]

pre

perhaps i could be a main character of some slice of life anime or manga. a sluggish, shy, awkward kid. bad at communication, including bad at socializing. reminds me of hikigaya hachiman from oregairu. can relate so much to him. dead inside and awkward.

once i was bullied. they called me a dog, a monkey or some animals in the zoo, perhaps? i didn’t paid attention much since i’m pretty busy held back my tears. later on i cried and suddenly caught cold. pretty weird for someone who got called dog and monkey and some profanity words for the first time. 

i got called out because i was shy. didn’t participate at class’ project. that time, it was some painting competition in a big canvas. they asked me to paint something since i know how to paint and draw. and i did. i did painted. but do you know how it feels, they just wanted a talent not the person. in the end i was out of place, i didnt know where to paint. i came to the classroom, for at least give myself a break for 30 minutes. then some of them called out. and yes then its happened. some months after, another things happened and made me shut myself more.

some months after, i became a 9th grader. first time ever feeling empty. dead inside. all i see was monochrome life. there’s no sparks. kept telling myself there’s no sparks and wanted to die more than anyone else. sickening, really. yet i got a first rank in the class. life is such a laughable game. why i feel empty and why it helps me to reach rank 1. i think i’m the weird one. 

junior high school life passed like a wind.

i continued my high school life in monochrome and empty heart. shut myself out more. there’s no sparks. there will be no sparks.

without any warning, i got myself drowned. drowned in the sea floor. in the deep dark sea floor. there’s no lights, there’s no sparks.

my depression and imaginations killing me.

[mojitto]

current

i keep telling myself that talking about my life and what’s happening on me is such an illogical matter. i dont matter. what i’m going through, or what i’ve gone through doesn’t matter. i keep holding on. holding on emotions. piled it up like a laundry clothes that some lazy uni student do. i wonder when will the smell ever leaked out from the room. will everyone outside the room notice it? and if so, what will they gonna do? help the lazy student get the laundry done? or just silently cursing that the room smell so bad and said “just wash it!”

in reality, not gonna lie, there’s no way comparing the piled up emotions with laundry. well yeah, that’s just some unrealistic exaggeration. 

yet, what if i compared piled up emotions with uno stacko? player keep stacked the blocks, takes it from the below stack then put it in the new place, in the above. well, it can be an analogy, if someone have piled up emotions and getting angry. what are they gonna do? like a stacked uno, like a player takes the block and stacked up to above, they will brings up their past emotions. 

“it rots”

“so do you need to bring it up again?”

“it’s in the past already”

“will you grow up?”

probably the words people would say.

it’s hard. accidentally, unintentionally holding your emotions for a long time. it piled up like an uno stacko blocks. the stacks waver whenever the player takes the block from the below. the person is wavering. can’t holding it on. can’t bring the emotions out.

tired.

lose appetite.

lose the will of life.

what was the main goal, after all?

did i ever have one in mind?

how do i stop this loop of thoughts? the past? the memories? hurtful, painful memories? 

how do you living normally again?