mommys-timeout-blog

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How many nights must I cry myself to sleep alone in our bed?

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Just 1 weekend..

3 weeks ago it was the oldest with strep, 2 weeks ago the middle one smashed her finger in a door and it had to be caulterized and drained, the next day it was the youngest ingesting BLOOD PRESSURE medication... that involved and ambulance ride, then a helicopter ride to the closest childrens hospital, then a weekend stay in the PICU, this last week the we found out the boy needs surgery as soon as school is out.. oh lets not forget the boy and baby have infections and needed antibiotics... now 2/4 of the kids are sleeping, voluntarily, because they don't feel good... Can we please please have an uneventful weekend... just one? I am losing my mind... not in an angry way.. but its going.. So much going on, I am handling it by myself as best I can.. But I feel my brain slipping fartber and farther into this non-functional state... I can barely function in the first place... this is getting bad bad

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Late night clean up while the littles and hubby are asleep... I can't cleap up when they're awake because they mess it up immediately... well now they taught this goon to do just that... my kitty Pancakes undoing all that I've done.

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Tonight

It was your move this time. Not only did I make the last one, but I am pretty sure I made the last 3 moves at least. It started with our ride.. all of us. Relaxing.. the drinks for us that followed, our homemade sushi and the best dinner you've made me in quite a while... ok the first dinner you've made for me in quite a while.. the chatting, more drinks.. you gently laugh at my awkwardness, I was never quite the seductress... we sit in the room for a while, it has been at few weeks since we've been... like this... you gently stroke my inner thigh... I look to you and your eyes are closed.. Enjoying the moment maybe? I hear your breathing change from a quiet whisper of breath to something a little harder.. I take a deep breath, I am getting nervous.. you breath louder and let out a gentle snore... your hand has stopped moving along the inside of my leg. You snore again. I get up and clean the house. I can think of something much better to be doing on my knees than scrubbing this damn Floor.

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Je suis très fatigué.

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One day at a time

I woke up on time today for the first time in a long time. Still reeling from my horrendous dream about you with her… or was it a memory? It is so hard to tell what is true and what is my overactive and horrifying imagination...

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Remember last night?

Remember how I told you I was having a panic attack.... and you got mad and resentful and so so angry because of everything you had going on? I was about to tell you about how I had to convince myself that hurting myself is not the answer.. I had to convince myself that if I just told you, you would help me and hold me while I cried and care for me. That didn't happen, as you probably remember... I needed you to be there, and you weren't. I have tried to start to explain a few times.. but to be honest, I don't feel I can trust you since the last time I tried all I got was anger. This was a turning point for me... All the counseling in the world will never help me forget how abandoned and alone you,my husband and protector, made me feel in that moment. I ended up crying alone on the floor in the bathroom, trying not to let anyone hear me.

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I JUST posted about this... all the unsaid words that are now gone forever...

i am the sound of your heartbeat; tick of the clock

the demons you wrestle in the darkness.

the unsaid words unable to escape your lips which have now made a home in your heart –

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The worst

The hardest part about depression, is having the words on your tongue to ask for help. Typing out that text, but then deleting it. Being just about to explain the darkness that is inside of you, but never saying the words.. never pressing send… Never opening up.. I began that text, nut deleted it… I almost said the words.. but pretended to get distracted…. I tried last night remember? But I never could say the scariest part. Probably never will

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Finding it

Finding my strength, finding my voice. Finding that inner peace to help calm my stormy soul. My lightning and Thunder emotions will no longer rule me. I will control the storm. I will be stronger than this.

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Voiceless

More and more I am not being heard. My decisions are being overturned, what I say is being ignored.. its not just him.. its the kids, family, coworkers.. I am no longer being heard... it started with my bday... and now everything is.just.ignored... i feel like even if I scream, I won't be be heard. Ibfeel like I have been screaming.. nad no one will listen...

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Dear Depression

You have taken yet another Sring Break from me. You have taken beautiful days that I should have spent with my family and put me to sleep. You have taken that oh so needed motivation and stomped on it like a gross insect. I had plans. I had chores, I HAVE KIDS! I have tried the medication, I have tried the counseling... what more can I do?? I cannot give in to you,but i feel like you're winning this battle...

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Girls night

Everyone needs to take time for themselves with a good friend who canmake them laugh... i cant remember a time I've had a better time... I needed this.

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I tell you about the difficult, heart wrenching day I had. You interrupt me to tell me about how fun it is catching up with an old female friend on Facebook... please tell me what we are still here......

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When you know what they're really up to but have to play dumb because if you say anything they get all butt hurt like it's your fault you can't trust them and it has nothing to do with the trail of lies they left for you to discover... oh.. and ya butt dialed me while you were on your date. Oh sorry I meant at your "meeting"... at 6:30 at night.. In a diner...

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Betrayal

When im crying in the closet; mourning the death of my sanity and youth; DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT give my position and location away to the kids. All I needed was a minute. You took that and my hiding place away... I feel utterly betrayed.