monopolyamorous

[monopolyamorous]

*sigh* we definitely need more education about amatonormativity in this community

[monopolyamorous]

"You can't just pick and choose the parts of a romantic relationship that you want"

No, actually I can.

I can do exactly that. If I want to see them multiple times a week with no commitment and no exclusivity I can.

If I want to cuddle and kiss and not be any more intimate than that I can.

If I want to go on fun dates and spend time together and have little adventures but never call them my partner I can.

If I want to do these things with multiple people at the same time I can.

If I want to call it hanging out instead of dating I can.

If I want to keep things private but also post us being silly on my close firends stories I can.

I can do anything I want to as long as all the parties in the relationship are happy and it's not hurting anyone.

Other people cannot define my relationships for me.

[monopolyamorous]

relationship anarchy/polyamory/non-monogamy reminder: being successfully open in your relationship and unlearning toxic/compulsory monogamy does not equate to transcending all feelings of jealousy, fear, insecurity, uneasiness, or any other generally unsettling sensations that may arise when you or your partner are exploring other connections.

the real success of your non-traditional relationship style is measured by your ability to share these feelings willingly, transparently, and without judgment or projection into external blame, however embarrassing or irrational you may think they are, & your partner’s ability to empathize, listen, reassure, discuss, and/or analyze solutions with you at length as you decondition yourselves together.

[monopolyamorous]

We (the aro/ace, poly, and relationship anarchist communities) need to talk about backdooring

For all the dirty minded people reading this, no, that's not a buttsex joke. Please take this seriously.

Backdooring is a phenomenon I've observed where someone with more proximity to traditional relationship modalities gets into a nontraditional relationship (for instance, a nonsexual romantic relationship, a nonromantic sexual relationship, a committed relationship that is neither romantic nor sexual, or a polyamorous relationship) with someone who does not share that proximity, and attempts to move the relationship in a more traditional direction— stated simply, it's the use of a nontraditional relationship as a backdoor to a traditional one, specifically one with which the victim is not comfortable and does not consent to.

It often stems from an attitude of "Maybe this person will forget about being ace/aro/poly/RA now that they've met me."

As someone who has experienced backdooring in relationships where I thought I was safe (my ex-girlfriend successfully used our queerplatonic relationship as a backdoor into a romantic relationship that had me doubting my own orientation and personal boundaries for years after the fact, and more than one ex-friend of mine has tried to use the bonds I form with my friends as backdoors into a sexually predatory dynamic) I can say with 100% certainty that backdooring is a form of abuse, and that anyone with a preference for anything besides a monogamous, sexually involved romantic relationship is vulnerable to it.

What backdooring is and isn't

Backdooring isn't two people's feelings or attractions mutually changing after getting into a certain kind of relationship.

If you and your partner originally got into a sexless romance but began to feel a mutual sexual attraction to one another, that's fine. People's feelings about each other are fluid.

But if you're in a sexless romance and you have no interest in sex, but your partner keeps trying to pressure you to fuck them, please, just once, they haven't had any for so long and it would be really nice of you to just do this for them one time, they're probably trying to backdoor you and you need to do something about it because that's not a healthy situation.

If you're in a sexless relationship of any kind and you decide to mutually engage in a kink or fetish that doesn't require direct sexual contact, and you're both receiving an equal amount of enjoyment from participation in that kink/fetish, that isn't backdooring.

However, if someone you do not have a sexual relationship with engages in kink/fetish activities with you without telling you what they're doing or what they're getting out of it, that is backdooring and honestly, it's disgusting.

If you and your partner are in a polycule with some other people but you talk about it together and decide you want to go exclusive, that isn't backdooring.

But if your partner is trying to separate you from the rest of your polycule and get you to narrow your focus to only them, they're trying to backdoor you and you should let them know you won't stand for it.

If you're in a nonromantic relationship of any kind and you and your partner both enjoy playing with symbols and gestures associated with romance, but have no romantic intent behind the use of those symbols, that isn't backdooring.

But if you're in a nonromantic relationship and your partner uses those symbols and gestures with romantic intent, especially if they haven't cleared the use of those symbols or gestures with you ahead of time, that is backdooring and you should shut that door before it opens any further.

You can see clearly how backdooring intersects with and puts the victim at risk of other forms of intimate abuse, such as sexual/romantic coercion, social isolation, fetish mining, and, in extreme cases, corrective rape. It's honestly something that should be common sense not to do to another person, but for some reason, people with more traditional preferences like to see our relationships as less valuable and our boundaries as more freely transgressible.

If you've been a victim of this and want to share your story, I encourage you to add to this, or just reblog to spread awareness.

[monopolyamorous]

I feel like Spotify's most notable trait is how they barely pay their artists at all, so start a music library. Buy and/or download the songs you like, stick them in and app like iTunes or MusicBee and boom! They're right there on your hard drive and they'll never get region-locked or delisted and you'll never have to hear an ad when listening to it ever.

What are you paying monthly for Spotify? Make that your monthly music budget to buy from Bandcamp or what have you. Then the songs are yours to keep and the artists actually get a substantial cut (at least by comparison).

Maybe you can't afford a bunch right away - that's fine! Build your early library from old CDs or YouTube rips or whatever so you've got stuff to listen to. Giant Record Companies hosting already-millionaire artists don't need your money anyway.

Seriously you can do it. If you could make all your Spotify playlists you can make a music library. Unless you've just been listening to those algorithmically generated playlists, in which case I guess you and Spotify deserve each other.

[monopolyamorous]

I'm gonna start throwing hands

[monopolyamorous]

[monopolyamorous]

emotionally competent cassowary

[monopolyamorous]

From the Bobby Sox video

[monopolyamorous]

I'm turning 30 this month, and for some reason have become suddenly interested in material possessions. like what if,,,,,,,,my couch was nice. what if my sheets were nice. is this what happens to you??

[monopolyamorous]

sometimes you say or do bad things while you’re in an awful mental place. sometimes you say things that are rude or uncalled for or manipulative. and i’m not going to hold that against you. mental illness is hard, and no one is perfect. but once you’re through that episode, you need to take steps to make amends. you need to apologize.

“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.

“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.

when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.

if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.

you deserve friendship, and you deserve support. but a supportive friend is not an emotional punching bag, and mental illness does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. what you say during a mental breakdown doesn’t define you. how you deal with the aftermath though, says a lot.

[monopolyamorous]

Sex work is not just work, its usually rape. sex where I bend my boundaries for someone else isn’t joyfully consenting loving sex

HOWEVER whatever I do when I’m horny is ALSO not work. Because I was just being horny and having a dude pay insane sums of money for my broken old used sex toys, or old underwear that I don’t wear anymore..? It’s just kinda hot. Or I undeniably find that pretty sexy.

Is that influenced by my experiences is sex work and findom? Definitely. Does it feel like work, or degrading, or scary in any way now?

No because I’m not pretending. I don’t need the money. It just kinda genuinely turns me on to imagine he’s sitting there licking my old broken dildo to desperately try to get a taste

[monopolyamorous]

Can I ask, what's the difference between a romantic relationship and a sexual relationship with emotional intimacy? That was sort of how I defined romance in my head until I read your post, and now I'm wondering what I need to recalibrate.

(Hope it's okay to ask this, if not, sorry)

I talked in this ask about romance and emotional intimacy, but to elaborate:

The only difference between romance and friendship and anything else is what you decide. You see people say stuff like "they are dating but don't realize it," which assumes that romantic relationships are this natural Real thing that exists beyond human constructs. But you could have two people who never have sex or kiss, who sleep in different rooms- or even two different houses- and consider themselves married. You can have two people who kiss, have sex, live together, are legally married, who consider themselves friends without any hint of romance. Because the nature of your relationship is based on what the people within it label it, based on whatever criteria they want to use.

People make a bit of fun of "romantic friendships" and tend to see them as a way for lesbians to have romantic relationships despite homophobia. But this is a very amatonormative way of looking at that- it assumes that "romance vs friendship" is a pan-cultural category of relationship, and that "romantic friendship" must fit into one of those categories- that it can't be its own thing, that historical queers could not have referred to their lovers as "friends" and meant it. I mean, think about marriage- while romantic marriage has often been valorized (because its good to actually like the person you're supposed to fuck and raise kids with for the rest of your life), the idea that marriage = romantic attraction is not universal. There's also how, in the US, men kissing or being physically affectionate is often seen as immediately romantic- while in other places, its part of normal platonic affection. What is considered "romantic" vs "platonic" is just as made up as "masculine" vs "feminine."

I have a feeling a lot of people (especially alloromantic allosexuals) haven't done a lot of in-depth critical thinking about romantic feelings vs platonic feelings vs sexual feelings. I've had conversations with very amatonormativity-illiterate alloros who seem to be trying to, like, "gotcha" me into realizing I actually do feel romantic attraction because I want emotional intimacy and sex. It feels to me that my lack of romantic attraction makes me more aware of romantic attraction than alloros- because to them, romance is a natural, inherent part of life, and romance is the highest form of love and attraction (to someone who isn't related to you, at least). So you see people define romance by the intensity and deepness of two unrelated people's relationship, rather than the type of feelings they have or the label they wish to put on it. This also leads to the assumption that romance is inherently deep and sexual attraction is inherently shallow- this isn't true. Someone can feel romantic attraction to a person they've known for five seconds because they did something sweet. Someone can be super horny for a life-long friend because of their personality.

[monopolyamorous]

I think we’re kind of starting to get away from this but have y’all noticed how in the vast majority of popular media, sex scenes don’t actually tend to involve a lot of talking/fumbling/awkwardness unless it’s for humor or to indicate that the people having sex are a.) probably Wrong for each other somehow or b.) inexperienced, possibly having sex for the first time?

but “good” sex, between people who are experienced and In Love etc, is almost always effortlessly athletic and steamy and they somehow telepathically know exactly what to do. I’m not talking about knowing what their lover enjoys, that’s entirely feasible, but they never even have to coordinate what they’re doing. there’s no “do you want me on top?” or “do you want to do [x]?” or accidentally getting in each other’s way.

the overwhelming message that I’ve always gotten from pop culture is that Good Sex happens without communication and, more dangerously, that needing to communicate is a sign that you’re somehow bad at sex, when in reality that’s almost definitely a sign that you’re, you know, a considerate partner who actually gives a shit about people being comfortable when they have sex with you.  

[monopolyamorous]

I wish kinky sex ed wasn't so stigmatized even among left-leaning "sex positive" circles. Everyone's all "uwu I'm a sub I'll do anything you ask" okay mommy wants you to read The New Bottoming Book so you learn how to sub without hurting yourself since your sex ed up to this point is porn and your ex boyfriend Jared who liked to choke you incorrectly

[monopolyamorous]

I really liked this article! Cliff talks about rewriting cultural scripts, communication, consent, healthy relationships, and what everyone can learn from successful kink. Some strong language.