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[monosacccharide]

Bittersweet. This journey is almost coming to its end. And if Allah wills, a new chapter will prevail. (May Allah will.)

P/s: Your father has been caring, supportive, selfless, loving, lifting, charming, calming, and in short, EVERYTHING. ❤️

These two photos were taken a day before we knew we were pregnant. Langkawi. Even then, we were not sure. But the double lines were there. Allah surprised us when we least expected it. He caught us off guard after we’ve decided to just let God. And we both agree it’s the perfect timing. 😊

This new, uncharted territory was nothing short of amazing. Sure, along the journey, we’ve had our shares of frustration and confusion. We were scared, and sad. The 6th and 7th month was the toughest, emotionally & mentally. But I think it’s not fair to just highlight that trying period, when we also felt happy for a hundred other little reasons. It’s the myriad of feelings that we feel that makes it amazing; all the nice and the trying times intertwined.

I’m nervous, I’m scared, and I still can’t believe half of this. But I’m also excited, and I’m preparing, trying my best to be ready for a life-changing arrival. I thought to myself yesterday, after learning that I might need to feed you every hour or two in the first 6 weeks: “having a child seems fulfilling and fun and it’s like everything people ever wanted, but in reality, why does Allah make parenting so challenging? You’ll have a completely dependent little human that needs your care & attention 24/7, and on top of that you have to be fit yourself — physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually — in order to provide the best, or else you’ll affect the whole process. Why, why is it made to be so so hard?” 🥺

Maybe.. maybe it’s hard because raising a family puts your akhirat at stake. Maybe it’s hard because it is so worth it.

Your presence has taught me to hold onto things a little looser, and to plant my faith a little deeper. Made me reflect on what kind of person I have been, and what kind of person I’ll be raising. I hope you’ll be a 100 times better person than I am. I put you in the care of Allah, and I hope He guides you, me and your father all the way to His jannah. I hope we’re steering on the right track. I hope He forgives me and your father, and He showers us with His mercy. If you happen to read this one day, please pray that we get his maghfirah, rahmat and redha, baby. And if I happen to read this again, I hope I’ll remember how magical I felt in each and every trimester. ✨

— meant to be posted on Instagram but the caption’s too long so here I am ;)

34 weeks pregnant.

29.08.2020, 1.27 am

[monosacccharide]

“To be raw and vulnerable — what is there to be afraid of? Is it the people? Are you scared of being labelled or judged?

Then who are you actually doing this for?”

—A thought to ponder upon, R.

[monosacccharide]

It’s Been A Long While

Hello, Tumblr.

It’s been quite some time since I have my creative writing juices flowing. I think it’s been more than a month. From before Ramadhan, when I started my Consistency Class + my grandma was admitted to the hospital + post-vacation and we lost our meaningful something. I don’t exactly know what’s happening to my heart and my brain but my hypothesis is: this writer’s block usually happens when I am overwhelmed physically or mentally - that I don’t have much time to stop, sit, and stare, at what’s going on inside of me.

229 days in the marriage and I am certain that Mohamad Nafis is the best man I could ever have as my husband. This morning as I drove to work, I thought to myself, wow, he is one of the best form of my answered prayers. I remember making this one specific doa for what kind of life companion I think I need, and he appeared into my life shortly after, unexpectedly. Alhamdulillah. I am glad I still save that doa so that I can always go back to it to say Alhamdulillah.

And this in particular has reminded me to like.. See? Hasn’t ALLAH always been nice to you? He has always always always answered your prayers neatly, and He has always given you everything you NEED, in the best time + through the best way. You just have to trust Him again this time — trust that He’ll pull you through this test too, and He’s providing only the best for you, just like He has always did before. He’s just teaching you another topic this time. Soak all the lessons up, istighfar to neutralise the regret, and have faith. InsyaAllah He’ll bring you through this too.

The main issues in my life right now is financial, and also a war with my lazy nafs. I have also written an email out of a sudden on one Ramadhan night; heartfelt, dedicated to Dr PAMZ. But it is still there in the draft box of the Mail app. Sending her that letter would mean taking one tiny step closer to my dream, and I am not sure if I am ready to dive into that. The financial issue is tugging me so hard that I doubt I can settle the issue and start pursuing my dream both at the same time. I’m afraid I’ll only have too much to handle. I am already biting more than I can chew and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the biggest lesson I have learned this year. Do not bite more than you can chew. You’ll suffer. But oh well, you’ll learn too. Just like me. The hard way.

Alhamdulillah for another lesson.

So now it’s trying to fix the bleeding from the bank account + experiencing LDR + controlling heart, mind and tongue while socialising at work + constantly thinking about my major dream & when should I pursue it + worrying whether I’ll be okay later, after I resign from this company + who I’ll be working with next? + is my body healthy? I have to start doing annual health check + why am I still not consistent with my mornings? + oh my God, when will this LDR end? 😫 I miss him terribly = C H A O S.

Haha. Probably sums up why I’ve stopped writing. It’s all messed up inside.

*

Aida just shared with us in one of her videos, that doing a business isn’t about the products that you sell. It’s always about the community that you serve. Always think about how you can serve first, before thinking how you can sell. She shared about how she started her Tuesday Love Letters and how being raw has helped her to gain audience. And then it hit me. I have always identified myself as a secretive, reserved person, and I take pride in that. I’ve slowly started to consume less and less social media, and I have stopped sharing almost entirely too. I take pride in being exclusive. I prefer living a good love story and telling no one about it. One relative told me I have a flair in writing and that I should begin to share widely — told him I’ve thought about it before and I’ll think about it again, but deep in my heart, I declined politely. Truth is, I am afraid with being someone who only talk and doesn’t do. I remember the ayat from surah (?) “kabura maktan inndallahi ann taqulu ma la ta3maluun”, and I am scared, honestly. I think I am still lacking in a lot of aspects and I therefore don’t have the credibility to talk or preach.

But being ‘the raw you’ is one of the amazing ways to add values to people’s lives, and writing can be a way to leave something good in the dunia after you die, so can you tell that I am torn between the two? Yes, yes, I’d love to write and share and talk only about good things! But I am afraid I cannot live up to my words.

Or.. will it be the other way around?

When I write *only* good things, will that force me to *finally* be living up to it?

Till then, may our hearts stay calm even in the times of adversity, and may our time and rezeki be blessed - every inch of it - and be showered with barakah. Aamiin.

Love,

R.

[monosacccharide]

Exactly

[monosacccharide]

Being an INFP.

This week I’m on on a new project: creating a database of people’s personality, and it involves the people around me that I know personally. But that’s not the story.

I just experienced being inquired with multiple factual and concrete questions by two TJs, one is an ENTJ and the other INTJ, and it was an eye-opening experience for me. I know myself well enough that I know I can never win verbally against these kind of people, even before I study MBTI. But today, with knowledge come understanding, as to why they can’t seem to understand me.

They were asking me what my hypothesis is, what are the conclusions of this research, and why am I even doing it? I was left with no words to answer. They asked what’s my method of assessment, I might be biased because I only study the people I know, and how MBTI is only a little part of those thick psychology textbooks. They also said that they don’t like that kind of test, and they actually got bored halfway so maybe it’s not reliable since they probably have answered it blindly.

Inhale.

Exhale.

It’s a thing I am passionate about right now; studying people - and suddenly two other persons just downright dismissed it with a very confused look over their face. A look that says what I’m interested in doesn’t make sense, at all. I know that it’s vague, I admit I don’t even have a title for it yet, not even a solid objective. I just wanted to know who the people of my circle are, study the patterns and generally understand why some are like this and some act like that, so that I can foster a better and more harmonious environment around me. At least for me. So that I could understand them better.

I couldn’t answer them because well, that’s what I am. I need time to process thoughts and I am bad at remembering facts. So I might not be able to answer what my methods are and what’s the conclusion if I’m not prepared. This is something I just got started with and as a genuine NFP, I go with what I *feel* right. I’m doing this simply because I WANT TO KNOW YOU BETTER. I can think about the title, hypothesis and objectives later.

It usually hurts to have people criticising something you genuinely care about, but I chose not to get hurt. You know why? Because I KNOW WHY. I know why they blurted out that kind of questions. I know what they are made up of. I now understand how they think and process. It’s different from how I do. And I don’t blame them, they’re just being themselves. That’s how they process things, that’s how they react to ideas, and this is how I do. No one is to be blamed because we need every type of personality to coexist. And no personality is superior than the other because we all play a role in this world together. I can see now that *this* is a gift of mine, that not many people would understand. A gift of having empathy and understanding others, even understanding why they refuse to understand you.

For now, it doesn’t matter if other people don’t benefit from the study. At least I benefited. I no longer cursed myself for being the odd one out, especially after being criticised by others (just like in this case). And I no longer hate myself for being so different and causing people headache to comprehend me - I know why they don’t and I have long stopped expecting them to do so. People might not get me, they might not support me, but now it doesn’t matter anymore. At least now I have come to love and appreciate myself, and that’s enough. Because once I accept myself for who I am, I’m able to love others and appreciate them for who they are, too. And that’ll make my world a little less turbulent, and filled with a little more love. That’ll make this world have one less of a mean person, and one extra of a loving girl that they can always turn to. Always.

Because bi iznillah I understand. And I care.

[monosacccharide]

‪ To tell the truth, I have not been able to finish a single book in these couple of years. ‬ ‪I cannot remember when was the last time I was able to finish one. Being an avid reader all throughout my childhood and adolescence, this situation is a frustration and it is like having an infection, probably chronic inflammation. I grew up losing myself in books. I grew up being identified as a bookworm. Reading was the hobby I confidently pronounce whenever people asked me, but I got lost somewhere along the way and I stopped reading with pleasure. I am still not sure of how it went wrong, but my hypothesis for now is my unfocused, tainted heart has lost its calm all these years; distracted, and caused it hard for me to pick up a book and stay committed. I also have stopped reading fictions and I have only turned into self-help shelves lately (and that lately means for this past 7 years), so I have been treating my latest collection like a reference - I skipped chapters, read in disorder and only get to them whenever I want something from them. I've been adding more books to the collection but I can't finish any of them. It is like an illness. A disease I once doubt if it will ever cure. But I want it to cure, badly. I have been switching from book to book and has failed repeatedly.‬ ‪This time, I bought a book hoping it is another powerful self-help. Turns out it is a true story written beautifully, no tips and tricks were given, no theories or guidelines. It is just a tale laid before you - a tale raw and open. And it made my mojo return.‬ ‪To say today is an achievement, might be an understatement. ‬ I finished a book today. ‪Congratulations, Raihana‬! 🙂 --Finished the book at 2.16 PM, on a KTM Komuter from Arau to Padang Rengas. All praise to Allah 🌼

[monosacccharide]

Gratitude

List the things you have that no amount of money can buy, & realize how much you've earned, albeit you are totally undeserving of it all. We sin daily, but still, He gives. It's not, "what good have I done to deserve all these?" It's purely a showcase of His unconditional mercy.

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YES.

Time is a luxury the working class cannot afford. If that doesn’t make you wanna step your hustle up, then I don’t know what will.

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I made a mistake.

I made a mistake. But I read somewhere mistakes are what make us human. It means you're out there, living life. And acknowledging that you have made a mistake itself is a huge blessing. Maybe you lose against your nafs, against setan's whisper, but hey - He allowed you to realize it, didn't He? He gives you the chance to start over, to repent. Mistakes remind you that you are not flawless, you are just a weak human being and you need your Lord to forgive you. The uneasy feeling reminds you that you need your Lord's approval in order to live a better life. Mistakes are indeed blessings in disguise. So chin up, and don't feel too bad, R. You're still running. Get up, and do better. -Mistake made on 07.10.16, this, written on 08.10.16.

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The two weeks have passed.

Marriage is not the goal.

ALLAH is.

To be able to return to jannah, to see HIM, and rasulillah. 

Those are the real goals.

You said you’d give up everything for ALLAH.

Now, would you?

You said you’re a muslim, one who submits everything to the will of her GOD.

You said you want to be a mu’min, one who firmly believes in ALLAH.

You said you aspire to be a muttaq, one who does what HE asks you to and leaves what HE forbids. 

Now is the time to prove it.

It’s your call.

(Be strong. Ask ALLAH to give you strength. This is for HIM. You must not give up. I know you’re worried, afraid, scared. But do it anyway. This is your chance. You will never know which act of deed you do that’ll help you to jannah. This is your chance. Beg for HIS love.)

--R.A., 18.09.2016

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Life Goals

Destination: Jannah

How to get there? By pleasing Allah.

With everything you do, you try to make Him pleased with you.

Planning is easy, if we think we’ll die at 80.

But what if you actually have 1 year left to live? Or maybe 5? What would happen to your 20-years target? Your after-retirement plans?

The key is to make sure that each goal, no matter how small or big -- align with what God wants from you. Make sure it is Islam-compliant and it is WORTH IT. Whether you manage to fulfill it, or you die half-way, or maybe your life ended when you juuust get started -- you have to make sure it’s the kind of goal that will make God pleased with each of your little steps.

With this in mind, you can now plan your future, what you want to achieve, what kind of people or creatures you’d like to serve. Because to live, is to give. 

[monosacccharide]

From OS, I went back to Tupai, and suddenly I was transferred to Trong. I was angry at first, I cried (drama betul), felt dull in the first week, get energized in the second, and now, feeling a bit down in the third.

I was angry because I felt like I was bullied. The transfer notice was super duper short, and I wasn’t free that weekend. I was angry because I didn’t speak up for myself. I was angry because they seemed like they never care to consider other people’s circumstances. Or to inform me in a less short notice.

And then, the first week, it was like (ehem, please excuse me) driving a new Maserati down a dead end street. It’s boooooooringggg. They do have patients here (but actually they said the quantity seem to only increase after I came, before this it was a lot less)(nak cakap I jonah la tu) but you have to prepare what to do in between the patients. Or else you will be bored. To. Death.

I brought books and magic pens. I colour, I scroll my phone. But then I woke up each day feeling weaker.. It’s like, “so what am I going to do there today…… which book should I bring…… do I colour today… or do I study……” I didnt want to wake up. I felt demotivated, I felt like I don’t know what I am doing with my life and what should I do next.

Well I guess that happens when your momentum is halted in an instance. Without warning.

Second week, I was feeling better when I get to go to school. Because you know you’re gonna do something, and the patient comes in a stream. Its soooo nice to be back to this kind of feeling. Like you have a purpose of going to work. Bukan melengung je.

Although I do feel a bit frustrated because some people just didn’t bother to help me know the SOP and objectives of going to primary school.. because its my first time.. and it caused some chaos on my side… but ok la. I moved on and I settled it all already. You taknak tolong tak apa, I get to find my own ways. :)

Third week. Mm hm. Now is the third week. Omg but it already feels like 2 months. Time moves soooo slow when you are in the clinic. Like it’s 1 PM, you put your head down on the table and you doze off. And when you’re awake from that deep nap, it is only 1.10 PM……….. Zuhur haven’t masuk and your stomach is still full from brunch (yes you even have time to brunch peacefully) so you decide to put your head back down even though you are already feeling fresh. (Because um, what else can you do right. Zzzzz)

And then you wake up, it’s only 1.23 PM.. Still not Zuhur yet. Haha. I slept until I’m fully awake, until my eyes are so wide open can’t sleep anymore also Zuhur belum masuk.. Tik.. Tok… T…i….k…… T…..o…….k……………..

I need to come up with a list of “How To Be Happy in Trong”

But first, now it's already 1, lets sleep jom…

[monosacccharide]

My parents. And my best friends. All praise to Allah. ❤

[monosacccharide]

What I learned from Oral Surgery

Dentistry is so much more than just dealing with teeth. You have to master the art of talking. Like the right way to explain what risks of complications are there when their wisdom tooth need to get removed surgically. And the right approach to break to a person, that they have a tumor growing in their mouth currently. And I also learned, That when God decides to give, He gives. No scientific reason needed, No explanation behind. Open your heart wide. Let different points of view come in. I hope we see God in everything. "Fa aina ma tuwallu fa thamma wajhullah" - 4 weeks in OS

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What I learned from Paeds

I start to see every child as an innocent being - regardless of how big their tantrum is, or if they have some sort of syndrome, acting autistic, or if they keep on trying to fish for our attention. I see every child as an innocent being, as their behaviour now is (mostly) strongly based on their social history.

[monosacccharide]

Ultimate Ambition: To have time freedom. To have that? -- Must first be financially free. To be that? -- Must generate constant passive income > monthly expenses. To generate that? (Constantly?) -- Must learn how to. Must have ilmu. To have ilmu? -- Must have fundings first - to attend classes, to study from the best, for petrol expenses to and fro, for hotel rooms to spend the nights.

[monosacccharide]

“Kalau dosa seorang hamba itu, terlalu banyak dan tidak ada perkara yang dilakukan oleh hamba itu untuk menghapuskan dosanya, Allah s.w.t akan menduga dengan hazan (kesedihan)” -Habib Ali Zaenal Abidin Al-Hamid

setiap manusia akan diuji dengan kesedihan, setiap manusia ada melakukan dosa, tidak kira kecil ataupun besar, semoga kita sentiasa muhasabah diri bersyukur sekiranya masih ada peluang untuk bertaubat.

#thedaiegraphy #dakwahmudah #pahalaproject #vscodakwah #abuhanifah #muhasabah #my_genggua #ikutcarakita #twt_insta (at Taman Mutiara Indah)