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[monthyear-majo]

1. Overwhelmed

Right now I am at a point in my life where I feel pressured to be better.

Do you ever see posts about people you used to know and notice how they are doing so well in life? Well, do you really know what's going on in their life? Probably not. But they do a great job at making you feel jealous because they have their life together better than you do. I am only 25, yet still I feel like I have no time. Is that normal? To feel like you have no time? I think it is. I mean, it can't possibly be just me. Life is just so fast and I feel like I've not done anything at all but when I see those kinds of posts from people I used to know it makes me feel like I am left behind.

I work at a cafe. I make drinks all day and come home smelling like tea. I love tea but I don't like being here for ten hours a day. I'm a full time student right now too. I'm majoring in something I thought would at least make me happy but as I grow older and realize how long it's taking me to graduate with a bachelor's degree, I ask myself if I want to be in school anyway. I'm so close yet so far. There is always something wrong with my transcript, always gotta make appointments to talk to my advisor and the problem is never truly resolved. So my graduation date gets pushed behind. I am 25 and only have an associates in which I can probably use but I'm too afraid of change to do anything about it. While my job is demanding and pays shit— I don't really want to leave.

I was clinically diagnosed with depression. a year ago but if you ask me I've had depression for years. I never told my family because having depression in a hispanic household is real taboo. Sometimes I'd bring it up to my parents and they would say it's all in my head. Duh— its a mental disorder? Anyway, they bypassed it all of the time.

Now I struggle to keep myself from wallowing in self-pity but it's kind of hard when you sometimes hate yourself. Your mind, body, and soul. Those things are important and if you hate one of them or most of them, are you even human? Can I call myself a human if I despise the three traits that are meant to make me human? Well, I have a beating heart and a functioning brain I guess.

The financial tension is also kind of insane right now. We have a shitty president who is running up again for elections this term and his runner up? An even shittier candidate who hates anyone who isn't white. Our country is in flames and we keep adding to the fire. Especially our government who make decisions based on ignorance and racism. Now? Now it's hard to afford a gallon of milk because you make 14 dollars an hour, ten hours a day for five days but you still have to pay your twenty-three hundred dollar rent by next month and your $500+ utility bills and you decide you don't really need that gallon of milk. But wait— your tuition payment is due next week and thank god you get paid on Friday! Only your boss pays you three days late causing you to overdraft on your account because planet fitness took out that damn monthly payment that you owe them for using their gym. Do you even go? The answer is no, you don't. So why do you give them 22 dollars every month? Because you don't want to go all the way up there to cancel. Stupid. You've got all of these payments to make, can't afford to help your parents with the rent (because thats the kicker! They're the ones paying the 2300 but you can't even help them with half because you don't make enough unless you quit school and work seven days a week) and all you're left with is .23 cents in your bank account. Not to mention you're 17k in debt with credit cards and loans, some of that debt shouldn't even be yours but you offer your credit to your parents because you love them and want to help them out some kind of way.

Point is, you have no money and no way of getting out of this unstable financial situation without endangering your education and social life. You work to pay bills. You live to not die but die slowly while living. How is that fair?

And then you get depressed but haven't you seen the homeless people who have no food of shelter? Don't you see that the Palestinian's are getting killed? For what? For what? What did they do? Why is America, why is Israel, why—

Because it's all about money. it's all about political power and guess what? You can't do anything about it. Maybe you can boycott, but you can barely feed yourself and you live in a country where everything is about status and power. And they are dying. And suddenly you feel like you don't have a right to be upset or depressed. You are safe, here in a worthless money-driven country and they are there, dying of starvation.

But I am overwhelmed. I work and I study and I still get nowhere. My grades are C-average and despite what everyone says about C's get degrees, you're not achieving anything.

I am typing this at work. it's slow today. I still don't want to do anything and I'm feeling a sort of anger. At myself? Probably. I am tired and I somehow just want to go home and watch my favorite pirate show.