monzy

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, day 27

Hey, only a few days away from being a whole month clean off gambling!! If you told me I’d be saying that a month ago I would of laughed my head off. I dont want to get carried away though, cause I realise the recovery is still in the beginning stages and I just pray I can continue.  I think one reason, especially the last week or so I’ve managed quite well is because I’ve been so busy. The excitement/anxiousness of starting a new university has kept me well occupied, I’ve upped the amount of time I spend at the gym plus I’ve been so engrossed in binge watching desperate housewives I haven’t felt the urge to gamble. I think it’s important to keep your mind occupied constantly. It can allow you to deconcentrate (I doubt thats a word, but you know what i mean lol) on the more negative things going on in your life, and that doesn’t have to be a certain addiction, it can help with family problems, relationship problems, friend problems etc. Having faced problems of those, which I’m sure we all have as there very common, I can promise you one of the worst things you can do is dwell on it, and instead you should go and occupy yourself in different activities. (Yes, easier said than done I know). One of my favourite quotes of all time is ‘You’re only one workout away from a good mood’. I’ve found myself repeat those words to myself constantly, especially over the last year or so, and so very often do I leave the gym feeling happier and more relaxed about negative problems in my life. I hope that can help you to fight any struggles you may be having in your lifes. Peace and God bless x

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, day 23

Hi, I missed alot of days lol and I’ll explain why, it was a mixture of good and bad. For the first few days, I was really struggling again, like it got to a point where I kept having to turn off sports because the urge to gamble was so strong. However I got through it, and im still clean lol. The other days are just down to being so busy, having to sort out my stuff for uni, still don’t have an exact date to when im moving in because I got more sense and stability to what was happening back in primary school to what I’m getting now lmao, but we move. I wanna talk about my experience the other night, went out with a few friends, and I never noticed how gambling is literally all around us. Queues forming at the fruity machines, people watching intensely as guys lose&lose&lose more money. Now I know its legal, and I know the majority of people who gamble don’t have an addiction lol, however there’s just something that doesn’t sit right with me about it. The celebration of gambling and the easy access there is to it... I’m probably just over deeping it, but lemme ask you guys this, next time your’e watching tv (yes I know who watches normal tv anymore, boomer) but anyway if you are watching normal tele, and the adverts come on, do me a favour and count how many gambling ads there are. I was watching the chase earlier (yeah i know, boomer again, sue me) and in one advert break, there wasn’t just one advert promoting gambling, but 2. Now do I sound like a whiney brat who thinks the world should stop promoting so much gambling just because I had a problem with it? Maybe. And I apologise if I do, however just think about. I dunno if its happened yet, but wasn’t there talk about the government stopping showing fatty food adverts before a certain time to try and make the country healthier? Hmmm just have a think about it, anyway, good to be back lol. Peace and god bless x  

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, day 17

So, I’ve missed 4 days. I felt like I didn’t even want to think about gambling so I decided against updating, however someone call Austin Powers, cause i got my mojo back baby!! I came to the realisation with the help of a friend, that I was getting withdrawal symptoms. It’s crazy, because the first few days I felt so fine not gambling, but then it just comes and hits you. This horrible wave of emptiness and sadness, like one huge terrible come down. Thank fully a few days away from everything has helped me for the best, I was watching tennis&basketball yesterday, and it felt great and relaxed. I’m trying to enjoy this feeling of happiness for as long as I can, because inevitably that horrible wave of depression will return. So yeah basically that’s it, felt at rock bottom, currently feel on cloud 9, waiting for the return of rock bottom, lol, but oh well, Ima keep this one short cause i’m currently trying to make a twitch account so I can stream. but I’m not the best tech wizz so it’s taking me longer than it should lmao, but anyway, peace and God bless x

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, day 13

I’m done. My gambling debts are too much. I get hassled by multiple Bayliff’s for them daily. I have no money. I owe out so much money the financial stress I’ve acquired from my gambling is killing me. I want to die, but I can’t succeed in doing so, so I have to live every day with this crippling depression. I haven’t left my room in the last few days. Sometimes I play PlayStation with my friends online, and I’m happy, briefly, until everyone goes offline and I’m back to my loneliness. I can’t go out with my friends because I’m broke. I hate every single aspect of my life and myself just a little bit more everyday . I was doing well, but I struggle to watch sports without gambling, I feel as if gambling was my soul mate, who I have just lost . I think gambling has really killed me . I’m tired of waking up and being depressed now . I just it to stop

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, day 11

Today was easily the worst day I’ve had since I’ve stopped gambling, My gambling debts i owe have creeped up on me and now jeopardised the money I had available to pay for my university accommodation deposit. All day I’ve been in a predicament, I need more money than I currently have, and whenever I used to face that problem, I would gamble to try and make those funds. I’m beginning to think there isn’t any option. Part of me thinks, dont gamble. Save the money you have now, you’ll have other options, maybe the university will agree to take a small payment now, and then a payment again in a few weeks. Maybe Social services will help me financially. I also think, what if i just gamble this money i have on the tennis that’s on, what if I make all the money i need to make in one night. I know the chances are slim, and I feel more knowledgeable to that now, however, I’m in desperate need, and whenever I’ve been in desperate need to make money, I would always gamble. I feel safe whilst I write this post on my laptop, I feel occupied and less interested to gamble, however I feel sad and low, and I’m lacking motivation to write. It’s funny, because I am so blessed to have many friends who have made it clear I can ring them whenever I feel the need the gamble, But its basically midnight, and I would feel bad if I did so. I’m going to try and go straight to bed. I know if I can make it through this, then that’s a huge step. Making a cup of tea, going to bed and watching some of the sidemen videos or i’m on season 9 of Modern family, maybe i could watch that to occupy myself. I dunno, I just really want this day to be over. Sad day, but we try and move on. The positive is, I still haven’t gambled, although I really have wanted to. I think one great thing thats stopping me is the fact I’ll have to make a new account with a new bookmakers due to the self exclusion I used on all the gambling sites I was on. Ah I dunno, I just want this day to be over. 

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, day 9

I wasn’t gunna post today due to a horrible hangover (maybe I really do have a alcohol addiction too, however alcohol only brings me happiness mentally, so until different, ima carry on drinking lol) nah for real tho, I’m not gunna lie, I was extremely tempted to gamble last night, for the first time since I quit, if it wasn’t for the self exclusion feature from all the bookmaker sites I have an account with, I do think I would of placed a bet. There was so much tennis, basketball and football on all at the same time, and I was convinced that a little £20 bet on a few games wouldn’t hurt. Thankfully I didn’t, and I woke up feeling relived. I think that’s something I really do need to work on, cause let me tell you, after a few pornstar martini’s and a couple red stripes, I didn’t feel as if I had the power to stop myself betting, but I know what I need to work on, and im sure I will achieve that. Oh and thank the lord I did self exclude myself from the gambling sites (If you dont understand, thats basically where you make a agreement with the bookies that you cannot sign into your account again for a long period of time). I would love to tell a gambling story, however the bright lights of the laptop screen are not doing the best for my hangover hahah, plus its sunday night, the champions league final is on, and I’m really reflecting on how proud I am of this week. All be it, with temptations, not a single bet all week :) Time for me to use some money I would of lost gambling and treat myself to a takeaway lol, and maybe some paracetamols because my head is absolutely BANGING ahahah, hope everyone had a great week, peace and God bless x  

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, day 7

Another day, another dolla, saved. lol, 7 days without gambling and im actually really pleasantly surprised with how i’m finding it. There’s been temptations I’m not gonna lie, however I’ve got through it with relative ease. If quitting addictions is this easy I might stop drinking alcohol. LOOOL nah nah dont be silly (I’m not a alcoholic btw, I just ADORE wine, and gin, and beer, and cocktails, hmmm maybe I need a reevaluation). Anyway, story time, and today lemme tell you lot about when I realised someones life crumble right in front of my eyes. I not long turned 18, so I could now go into the bookie shops, and when I lived in Kettering, I lived just around the corner from a Coral shop, so that was my go to gambling spot. It was different to just gambling on my phone, the atmosphere of just being around middle aged geezers, cracking jokes, and everyone was always friendly. I’ve still got guys on my facebook friends list who I only met in gambling shops lmao. Anyway, it as day time, must of been a Friday, cause we had Fridays off at my college, and I thought I’d spend my day betting on the horses down the bookies. (writing that down, I realise how sad that is now) This Ghanaian brother always used to come in the shop, and he was there that day. Proper outgoing, flashy typa guy, he was bragging about how much he was betting. Now i thought I was big time, betting 3 figures on single bets and that, but this guy, he was OUTCHEREEE. My man was spending 4 figures, minimum on single bets. Now im someone who really isn’t bothered by materialistic things tbh, someone could have a Bugatti and it wouldn’t really impress me, or the most expensive clothes, and it still wouldn’t impress me, but seeing this guy so confidently place so much money on bets, I was impressed.I wanted to be him, I was jealous of his confidence. Fast forward roughly 3 hours, and I didn’t want to be him no more. I was witnessing a grown man cry a river of tears, I heard him crying to his wife on the phone. He came to a table a few of us were sitting at and begged us for money. A grown ass man. He also explained how he sold his car and that’s why he had so much money to gamble with. I vividly remember the other guys in the shop not feeling sorry for him, which is of course understandable but I felt pain for him. I know I know, this was all his fault, but I couldn’t help but feel like empathy when seeing a grown man cry. I really hope that man is okay today. The craziest thing about all that, is the fact that none of that put me off gambling. Not even in the slightest! I look back at that situation now, and I think I honestly must of been crazy lol. Like how could I watch an adult man, wife, kids the whole lot, lose everything, cry in a shop of strangers, and then I go back home, and just carry on gambling?!?! Listen, believe me when I say I really must of been possessed by the devil, lmao i was crazy. Anyway, I really hope the man in the shop that day is okay today and I pray he’s beaten his addiction. Thanks for reading, peace and God bless x

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, day 5

5 days without gambling! I feel like God. Like bro, I forgot how good sports was. Like the last 5 days of watching sports without having a bet on, has been incredible. Sitting on the sofa, laid back, beer in hand and just enjoying these sports stars go and do their thing is amazing, like fr. I always used to think I wouldn’t be able to watch sports again without having a bet on as I thought the excitement would be gone, but omg was I wrong.  Anyway, story time, I’m feeling positive so let me tell, what at the time, was a very good moment. JAMES HARDEN. If you dont know who he is, he’s a incredibly talented basketball player, one of the greatest to ever do it. Anyway, this was only a few years ago, maybe 2, and I had £500 on his team, Houston Rockets, to beat the Golden state Warriors. Houston were slight underdogs, so if I remember correctly, if they won I would of got back over a grand, I think around £1200. That whole game, I was glued to the tv, couldn’t relax, biting nails, head in hands, praying to God etc. It was horrible and I’m so glad I’m experiencing watching the sports the right way again. But yeah, so this game goes to overtime (extra-time), its literally neck and neck all game, but with 5 seconds to go, the score is Houston 132, Golden state 134. I’m thinking the games over, I’ve got a tear in my eye, I’m already on google searching for payday loans, my phones half broke because I've thrown it around in anger.... So 5 seconds to go, James Harden gets the ball, takes a incredibly deep shot (which is 3 points incase you dont know), with Klay Thompson and Draymond Green (2 Golden state players) right in front of him, making imo, the chances of Harden making this shot, 1 in a million. He even falls off balance as he takes the shot. BANG. HE MAKES THE SHOT and i’m now crying tears of happiness, jumping around my room at 4AM thanking God. I remember the colossal exhilaration I felt, the jubilation and delight, I felt high, without being high lmao, the sheer feeling of being in heaven, ahhh man it was beautiful. I now realise James Harden making that shot was one of the worst things to ever happen to me. Like any addict, you always wanna chase that high, albeit that high be from drugs, alcohol, gambling etc, anything at all, and that very night I reached the highest I ever felt from gambling. Not because of the financial gain, because I have had far bigger winnings from one bet, but the fact that the game looked lost, 5 seconds to go, my mindstate had already travelled to hell, the feeling of depression had already kicked in, just for an absolute miracle to save me. It was that feeling on unexpectedness that made that such a amazing high. And due to that, I always always always tried chasing that again. I remember, maybe 3 weeks after, placing a £5000 bet just because I needed to feel that high again. 3 figure bets didn’t do it for my adrenaline anymore. I think this was the real start of my downfall, I would get unhappy, sad and what i thought was depressed due to gambling before this, but that really changed me. After that bet, I spent around 2 years trying to chase that exact high again, and of course, like any gambler, I was unsuccessful, but due to the increased amounts in my bets, I was loosing everything and becoming severely depressed. So, fuck you James Harden, why do you have to be so good at basketball? lolll. Anyway, if there is anyone reading this, who can relate to that feeling of chasing a certain high, and I know from alot of different people who suffer from different addictions that this is a very common problem, then please msg me if you need any advice or something, I’m not no JD Dorian (shoutout any Scrubs fans and yes that was a terrible attempt at saying ‘Im not no doctor) ahhh terrible humour, but yeah I’m here to help:) Peace and God bless x

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, day 3

HI! so yeah I think i’m gunna update this every other day so thats why the days will be going up in odd numbers lol, but yeah anyway, a few things. Firstly, WOW, I got so much support for coming out about my addiction, and I wrote about how I was starting this blog so that I would maybe feel less alone and over just one weekend, i honestly can say i feel it working. Now even if a single person doesn’t read this, I’m still going to update this, I feel like its a really good distraction, and in ways, this blog is like a superheros cape, Like with this blog, i feel like Gambling can’t come back into my life, if that makes any sense? lol anyway lemme shoot on. So this weekend one of my closest friends held a BBQ, few drinks in town later and that, you know the settings, anyways this was one of the first times I’ve been at a motive/party of some sorts, and not had to keep checking my phone to check how my bets are doing, and it felt GREAT! I forgot how nice it was to go out and just enjoy myself lmao.(Good thing too cause Man City lost, and i know for a fact i would of bet like £50/100 on them or something stupid like that lol). So yeah, I went to a party, and at no point at all did I get moody because a bet had lost. I know reading that it may sound ridiculous, but this is like a huge step for me lool so yeah go me!:) Anyway, i wanna tell a gambling story everytime I write one of these, sooo lemme take you lot back to when i was maybe 15, i think? Whatever age you are in year 10. Anyways, have you ever made £1000 whilst sitting in a science lesson? I have. Have you ever lost £1000 whilst sitting in your next lesson? I have. So yeah, I vaguely remember sitting in my science class, playing a mixture of roulette and blackjack, and I actually got myself up over a grand. (Dont try it at home, out of the 10000 times played Roulette and Blackjack, this is like the only time I got seriously lucky and made a good amount of money). So walking into next lesson, I was of course on cloud 9, absolute dancing with the angels I was, only too lose all that money within 10 minutes :))) But thats not the worst bit. You can ask any gambler, “what do you after loosing alot of money”, and 9/10 the answer will be “I try and make it back”. So thats what I tried to do, however I was unsuccessful, and before I knew it, I couldn’t deposit anymore money into my account, as I had lost everything in my bank account. That’s one of the horrible features of gambling, once you lose money, there’s this lil voice in your head, telling you to make that money back and however much you try to block it out, unfortunately, it’s impossible. That was probably my biggest downfall, I couldn’t just lose a bet and come back another day. I had this repulsive, crazy drive to go and try and win the money back, no prizes for guessing how that would end up, lol. But yeah, so basically, I went bankrupt in school essentially lmao, and that happened more than once I can assure you. I can guarantee that’s part of the reasons my grades were so average ahaha. Anyway, im’a head off, the start of the basketball playoffs starts tonight, and I wont lie, looking at the games earlier i got slightly tempted to place a few bets, I can’t remember the last time I watched basketball without betting, but I am confident I’ve beat that temptation! I’m actually really looking forward to watching it, without pure sweating the result of the match, I can actually watch sports and just enjoy it again, ahaha, hopefully it will be great. Anyway, peace out and God bless x   

[monzy]

Road2Recovery, Day1

HI, so um yeah let me start of straight up, I AM A GAMBLING ADDICT. I am 20 years old and since the age of 14 I have gambled, since the age of roughly 16 I became a bad gambling addict. I feel like its the perfect time for me to write this because last night I attempted to commit suicide, for the third time in my life, all attempts have been due to the stress that my gambling addiction has caused. My first attempt, I tried to hang myself with a belt from my shower railing, I failed miserably as the railing broke and split in half, now that was either God telling me that he weren't gonna let me die that day, or that i need to lose weight, I reckon a mixture of both, lol. The second time I sat in the bath and slit my wrist', you know like how the movies always make it look easy...lemme tell you something.....ITS NOT THAT EASY. Listen yeah, if you're trying to kill yourself, do not try that method, all it does it cause a extreme amount of pain, and mess. I remember sitting there thinking, 'yo is this pain gonna turn into death anytime soon or what'. Last but not least, the attempt last night, I tried to overdose on various pills, I must of consumed roughly 32 pills consisting of Paracetamols, Aspirins and codeine. Lemme tell you something again....If you're trying to kill yourself that way, you wont meet death, just a irregular state of drowsiness, stomach ache and headache, I also woke up feeling like I just spent 3 rounds in the ring with Mike Tyson. So yeah, after 3 unsuccessful attempts, I think Gods telling me its time to recover, and that's what i'm going to try to do. I have a plan to write a new entry everyday, to tell a different story from my gambling experience, but mainly to serve as a distraction from gambling and in hope that writing about it, for other people to see will help me feel, i guess, less alone. I think for my first entry I'll tell y'all (Yes i'm English, but I find american slang super dope, see what i did there? *Inserts laughing emoji* as anyone still reading this has stopped due to my terribly bad humour), but anyway this first entry will be a introduction to how i became involved with gambling i guess and little bit about me, lol i feel like im back in primary school when you had to write about yourself, anwayyyy.....

I grew up in foster care, I got put into foster care at the age of 13 because I was trying to mirror the life of my peers, me and my friends grew up in a area where there was a hell of a lot of criminal activity, and we were just trying to live that life, but that's a story for another day, lol. So anyway, I got moved to this small town called Rothwell (shithole, but a nice shithole, if that makes sense?) Anyway, my mum sent me an old bank card of hers, so that on occasion she could put a little bit of money on there, not much, but a nice £20 so i could go maybe go out with my friends, have money to buy some snacks from the shop and just lil things like that you know. Anyway, because the card was in her name, me being the huge sports fan that I am, I realised I could enter the card details into online gambling sites as she is obviously over 18, the rest is history. My first ever bet, I cant remember what the bet was, but I vaguely remember this sense of happiness and proudness, that I just made money, from just watching sports. I know it sounds crazy, but it made me feel like ' I was the man', if that makes sense? Like my ego grew, it weirdly made me feel as if i was some sort of superhero, I understand to a non-gambler reading this, how crazy that may sound, but its the truth, and the same feeling of happiness, became my drug. Gambling became my drug, everything about it.... the adrenaline rush of watching a sports game whilst having money on it is without a doubt the best feeling in the world, that rush of blood when the team you have bet on scores a goal is unreal. The pure satisfaction of making money, from literally just watching sports is second to none. Just like any other drug, the feeling starts to fade and you need a bigger 'fix'. So imagine a weed smoker for example, after a while they have to start rolling the joints with more weed, because there trying to chase a bigger and bigger high, its the same with gambling. That's why after two years, and i turned 16, the £5 - £10 bets weren't doing it anymore. It got to the point where I would bet £10, and I wouldn't even watch what game I bet on, I became that disinterested. This was the start of the addiction, I would have to bet a minimum of £20 to even feel excited, and this was at 16. I'm now 20, if i'm betting any less than 3 figures, i feel disinterested now.

I'm going to wrap up this first entry because no one wants to spend more than 5 minutes reading about a degenerate gambler, lol. The feelings and storys I have to tell, I have enough content for 2000 journal entrys, honestly. I'll try do it all in chronological order, so I guess next time (I was going to try write a new entry everyday, but I think ill do it every other day) I'll write about the times I would gamble in secondary school around the 15/16 age, i really went to classes playing roulette on my phone under the tables, dam no wonder I got no As, lol. I wanna finish this first entry saying only a very small amount of people know about my addiction, the majority of you reading this, if you know me personally I imagine would be very surprised. I'm one of those guys, and without trying to sound like im sucking my own dick, lol, I think people generally like me. When im about others, I'm always bringing positives vibes, I'm always cracking jokes, I'm always happy you know, very outgoing, always having a laugh. One of my friends said to me not too long ago that if the definition of 'Good vibes' was in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me. I remember once too a few of us were suppose to go out for a drink, but i lost alot of money in the day so I told them I wasn't feeling well, and they were all going to cancel going out because my friends told me 'I was the energy of the group'. That's the real me. That version of myself I am when I'm around my friends is who I know i am, and i want to be that version of myself all the time again, like i was when i was younger, I was such a happy kid. Now I'm only that version of myself 50% of the time. The other 50, when im alone, gambling, isn't me, I feel like the devil takes over, I feel so scared, so hurt, sad and depressed when I feel like that. I really am just a scared young man who wants to be the best version of himself I guess. So yeah please remember to check on your friends who always seem to be having a laugh, always happy, because you never know how they really are.

Anyways, I've downloaded the app which lets you record how many days free you are from an addiction, I hope by the time of my next journal entry, on Monday, I will be able to tell you all that I am 2 days free. This is going to be one of the hardest weekends of my entire life. Thanks for reading, God bless x