moodofthought

[moodofthought]

Ralph Gibson.

[moodofthought]

Love, for Me

Love as evolved in my logic.

to kove beyind my own i interpretations. to stand in due respect of my nature in its tranquility in God. to know i cannot really embrace + revel in all that is to be in my mind for God in my communion in our comfort i am revealed a me that is a the ultimate orcipacr of divine interjection.

so: i cannot think. the more frequency of diminished awareness gains ultimate perspective. God: How can we commune and leave my ego in the valleys of my shadow mind’s frivolity.

to eminate a true energetic truth that i can’t faux even with my best staged intention. that now, to marriage up to a new ecology dimension i must snap from me and into a reveled authenticity.

[moodofthought]

2019

another chance to reflect.

i remember that oh yea i am me and there’s an awareness that guides fulfillment with a bit of keen attention and refocusing.

that there is baggage i pick up and drop and find again because it’s familiar weight.

that there are cycles and candences and that i need to pay kind attention.

damon:

i am so proud of you. you have prospered on. can you believe where you have come? how confidently you know where else you might go? the young man you’ve developed into is so damn handsome, kind, hard working, gives his very best, tries to inspire authentic becoming in others, loves the world around him, maintains a youth like sense of awe and wonder, and are constantly reinventing and evolving. now. dream again and create. what does life bring forward and moreover what will you bring to life.

love. i desire kinship. i am ready to be loved in a tender and compassionate way. i am ready to be seen, healed and loved. to be cared for and to be anchored. i am ready to be cradled and supported in life. i am ready to give and feel no loss. i am ready for laughter and joy. excitement and wonder in the eyes of my partner. things to learn and unlearn with eachother in empathic, emotionally intelligent care. i am ready to make love. to rapture delight in pleasuring my other. to find meaning light and purpose in the loving of something shared built. to feel valid in love. to feel the comradery and shared commitment in the becoming of two. safety, security, humor, experience... i want to feel sunken into my skin and spoken from my breath in more honest ways than known. to discover my sensuality and viper laid dormant in my existence. to lack fear in my brazen bold. i’d like a love that listens with joy and delights in the stories, considerations, interpretations, and translations told thru moment by moment revelation and discovery. i’d like to bridge my dreams into a solid reality. to understand and participate in complicit, steadfast, practical action and persistence of love. to be loved no matter my cry baby. to feel it and know it. to be respected, to be honored, to be revered, and equaled. i am ready for love. to round out my current journey and take a current state for how i know i am deserving. to beckon a mate to revel up in the truth withstanding of emperors lost upon stolen generation. to luxuriate in the sweet sensory translations of love in a world lived in complimentary support of a more full thing known. to know myself and to know with other comfortably with neither lost in balance.

for me, and then in other.

[moodofthought]

my cycles.

free time. relaxation. boredom. excessive base stimulation. sexual deviance. discretion void. shit space. avoidance of the climb back. sleep. depression.

i work hard. my career and my thoughts behind performing, whether or not i do “well” or am perceived to do well... i put the most generous of my mental share into my “job” - my grind. school, the hustle, the side hustle, the getting my life together, the money driver... the “thing”.

i put nearly all of me into this. leaving at times very little for myself. recently i’ve given myself back sleep... but then i don’t fully accept it. i take it anxiously and with deep uncomfortable regret.

i rack my brain about how i’m fucking up. how it can all be tasked away. curious if i have trauma from before LA. the close to what felt like it was the last. i might.

i fear myself. i fear who i might become if i relieved myself of who i think i should be. i wonder from the unconscious systems at play, traumas and programming i’ve been impacted by... how they could seize my opportunity at abundance. i’m afraid i’ll stop caring and sink.

clasping. realizing clasping and frenetically reaching and it slips away. it slips thru your never really expecting fingers. reaching with desperation. reaching, anticipated by fear. and we sink. trying to swim. you fight the flows, you fear the freedom of movement and you plummet.

comfort in me. knowing.

know myself. get to know myself. allow myself to know, allow myself not to know — and in all these things gain delight in the discovery.

cheers yourself. push and challenge but love yourself. love yourself first. love as your first and all other guidance is here for you.

i can never be anyone else. and what a boring option that would be if i could. no one could be me with the best of intention. and good for them.

embedded in me and living quiet actionably day-to-day is the astounding magic of my nature. unprovoked and unaware to me you translate an aura that heals, forms delights and inspires insight. a geyser of vitality at the precipice of awareness and moment break.

i’m afraid of the strength entitled in me. i’m afraid of the leap required to know my strength. i’m afraid of the released safety net this is holding me up and holding me down.

being direct. looking people in the eye. meaning what i say. and respecting others to help in navigation.

[moodofthought]

the best:

save your best for the right ones. everyone and everything does not deserve your best. put yourself in situations and in front of people that honor, respect, love, appreciate and reciprocate your best:

in order.

- you, Damon Kavon King - - emotional health - - physical health - - spiritual health - - comedic health - - living quarters - - food you’re eating - - financial health

- your sister, your brother, your mother.

- friends that you FEEL SEE you.

- work, to your healthy-best extent.

- black professionals who could benefit from your interaction.

[moodofthought]

die a million deaths;

- don’t play small.

- play to win.

- listen to your self, but know yourself first.

- we are all one. play UP, vibrate UP, do not entertain lower frequencies.

- you are a god.

- don’t take yourself, your work, or your life too seriously.

- take inventory of the bs keeping you from unleashing.

- release all things that do not serve you.

- release antiquated stories of yourself.

- no man nor experience defines you.

- steam and energy: honor it by releasing it strategically.

- YOU have the power.

- WATCH and be AWARE of all things. Recognize these things.

- Still: Focus on the good, and the positive.

- Be gentle with yourself.

- Be kind to yourself.

- Offer yourself patience.

- Listen to your body, your soul and your mind.

- Monitor your mind, and extend your consciousness beyond it.

- Do not become your thoughts; survey your thoughts.

- Guide your energies into a fruitful self-becoming.

- Have fun every single day.

- Bring forth true joy and compassion.

- Embody peace, and seek peace out.

- Relinquish your associations with behaviors that do not empower you.

- Make concerted efforts to improve your situation

- Recognize your identity does not exist.

[moodofthought]

October, Friday the 13, 2017

The world is ending. I pray for you, you pray for me.

I think about the Age of Aquarius, ushering in age thought. The transformation being a violent, turbulent time. Think chemistry --

Take the time.

[moodofthought]

The Fool, The Alchemist, Heyoka, Sacred Clown, Jester Guru

coinsidencia oppositorum Read more at:   https://fractalenlightenment.com/31274/spirituality/7-signs-you-may-be-a-sacred-clown  | FractalEnlightenment.com 

Be Lost in the Call

Lord, said David, since you do not need us,                why did you create these two worlds?

Reality replied: O prisoner of time,                I was a secret treasure of kindness and generosity,                and I wished this treasure to be known,                so I created a mirror: its shining face, the heart;                its darkened back, the world;                The back would please you if you've never seen the face.

Has anyone ever produced a mirror out of mud and                straw?                Yet clean away the mud and straw,                and a mirror might be revealed.

Until the juice ferments a while in the cask,                it isn't wine. If you wish your heart to be bright,                you must do a little work.

My King addressed the soul of my flesh:                You return just as you left.                Where are the traces of my gifts?

We know that alchemy transforms copper into gold.                This Sun doesn't want a crown or robe from God's grace.                He is a hat to a hundred bald men,                a covering for ten who were naked.

Jesus sat humbly on the back of an ass, my child!                How could a zephyr ride an ass?                Spirit, find your way, in seeking lowness like a stream.                Reason, tread the path of selflessness into eternity.

Remember God so much that you are forgotten.                Let the caller and the called disappear;                be lost in the Call.

Anekantavada

“The main function of a sacred clown is to deflate the ego of power by reminding those in power of their own fallibility, while also reminding those who are not in power that power has the potential to corrupt if not balanced with other forces, namely with humor. But sacred clowns don’t out-rightly derive things. They’re not comedians, per se, though they can be. They are more like tricksters, poking holes in things that people take too seriously. Through acts of satire and showy displays of blasphemy, sacred clowns create a cultural dissonance born from their Crazy Wisdom, from which anxiety is free to collapse on itself into laughter. Sacred seriousness becomes sacred anxiety which then becomes sacred laughter. But without the courageous satire of the sacred clown, there would only ever be the overly-serious, prescribed state of cultural conditioning. Lest we write our lives off to such stagnated states, we must become something that has the power to perpetually overcome itself. The sacred clown has this power. Christ was a sacred clown, mocking the orthodoxy. Buddha was a sacred clown, mocking ego attachment. Even Gandhi was a sacred clown, mocking money and power. Like Thomas Merton wrote, “In a world of tension and breakdown, it is necessary for there to be those who seek to integrate their inner lives not by avoiding anguish and running away from problems, but by facing them in their naked reality and in their ordinariness.” Sacred clowns are the epitome of such integration. Heyokas, for example, remind their people that Wakan tanka, the great mystery, is beyond good and evil; that its primordial nature doesn’t correspond to human platitudes of right and wrong. Heyokas act as mirrors, reflecting the mysterious dualities of the cosmos back onto their people. They walk the Red Road, following in the bloody footprints left behind by their Heyoka fore-brothers.

They go forward, to that place where emptiness is full, and fullness empty. “As a representative of Thunderbird and Trickster,” writes Steve Mizrach, “the heyoka reminds his people that the primordial energy of nature is beyond good and evil. It doesn’t correspond to human categories of right and wrong. It doesn’t always follow our preconceptions of what is expected and proper. It doesn’t really care about our human woes and concerns. Like electricity, it can be deadly dangerous, or harnessed for great uses. If we’re too narrow or parochial in trying to understand it, it will zap us in the middle of the night.” Sacred clowns are adept at uniting joy with pain, acting on the higher and more inscrutable imperatives of the Great Mystery. They tend to govern transition, introduce paradox, blur boundaries, and mix the sacred with the profane. They are called upon to reestablish the bridge between the physical and spiritual worlds. They dare to ask the questions that nobody wants answers to. They are the uncontrollable avatars of the Trickster archetype, constant reminders of the contingency and arbitrariness of the social order, poking holes in anything taken too seriously, especially anything assuming the guise of power. They are a conduit to forces that defy comprehension, and by their absurd, backwards behavior, they are merely showing the ironic, mysterious dualities that exist within the universe itself.”

stay open to the flow of thought from thesis to antithesis to synthesis to Metathesis and back

Your ego is clay, malleable and puppet-like. It is your tool for higher transformation, rather than a weight that drowns you in the mundane. You use it to inject wakefulness into an otherwise somnambulant world. Your ego is secure enough to be vulnerable and ignite the fire that becomes Soul. As the ego deflates, your soul blossoms, and assumes the interdependent state of eco-consciousness, subsuming cosmos. Your self-expression is your art, animating an otherwise inanimate world. Half-animal half-divine, Hermes-like and Mercurial, your feet are roots that dance and your hands are wings that fly. You are torn between Worm and God, but you appreciate the tearing. At the end of the day, ego is the tool you use to leverage the universe and soul is the instrument you use to harmonize with the universe.

Between essence and appearance there is consciousness, there is you, existing in a delicate pirouette of transcendence and immanence, a coup de théâtre of higher awareness.  

[moodofthought]

it’s about culture. the evolution of culture. the ongoing connection to a manifested truth. a visual corrugation. folding together. ridges and waves. fettered energy unleashed.

environment where peace. facilitating humane conduits space to transcend and..

be kind to yourself. you asked for what you have. you FOUGHT for what you have. relish this, and remember that you in-kind have dangers and challenges that must be championed in grace. find your wave.

[moodofthought]

atop the mountain top

current location with all intended ironic reasonings.

a current location of past dreams and hopes formed. opportunities coming to fruition and past infatuations materialized. i sit atop a view, a hope, a dream and the ever flowing fluidity yells back to the sunny granduer: EBB AND FLOW ON.

greater heights always, and deeper challenges ahead. you get what you asked, and realize it’s little to do with past motivations.

You vibrate to heights and gratitude for on-going evolution begs new revelations and challenges.

you release past understandings, and remmeber they are your base. get back to base. remember basics. why are we doing this. how to we stay on our toes? how to we impress OURSELVES. are we happy with our decisions of every day.\

what you thought you needed, what is required for this elevation, requires a new breath. a new harmony a new melody a deeper truth. you have not remebered all the past knowlege needed. this is not the mountain top.

this is not the end all be all. and it never will be until the last breath is ripped from your gut from the universe with blatant force. eb on. flow on.

1. don’t forget why we are here

2. it is not a game, it was never a game

3. listen. take note. apply. never forget.

4. repeat

5. remain on your toes -- keep your balance

6. be the first one in and the last one out.

7. never rest on past success

8. in order to be great you must handle the pressures with grace

9. you are already your higher self. allow her to flow

10. get out of your own way by side-stepping your mind

11. don’t allow yourself to get to  yourself

12. every day push yourself to DO a little bit better.

13. take queues. maintain sense of self.

14. never lose yourself.

15. trust, the challenges are meant to strengthen.

16. feel the challenge, bounce back faster and stronger every single time

17. be fierce, intentional, mindful, gracious, present, humble, focused, streamlined, detached, raw, fierce, egoless, forgiving, accomdating, uplifting to all and self...

joy and eternal gratitude of a thousand seas for God’s ever loving presence upon your life. you are truly a testiment to his goodness and grace. You are a vessel to light and bounty. a geyser of life, truths and abundance. lose yourself in your own life’s process and tell the story of how awesome.

[moodofthought]

gratuitous humble reflection -- meditation gratitute. E L  E   V    A      T   E

this is why life

I'm on my way. Listening to the friend zone. This may be my last tumblr post on this old trusty dell. if you’re reading this you should go get a modem to save all your shit.

Esp you ipod touch. ode to oyruself. know yourself. to do lists now. and my mental is on a level where what you imagine and what your reality is is exactly what reaclity is and moments is in your imagination. everything is the collectie imaginoation . type mode type emtiaonl feeling.

creative finlunce. have a meont. find inspiration and inegrate into visuals. produce some of your gretest content this year .  excercise become healthyy.

i’m about to stretch and go get paid by sydell group. hopefully i can raise up and takeover. oh yeaaahh.

WELLLLLNESSSSSSSSSS.

[moodofthought]

Gardens of Eden

I will work with Kanye West to is total amusement and appreciation. I will be a lead for, visionary planning for, and attend the Met Gala ball. I will sit front row at the fashion shows of all the major fashion houses and be invited to attend burgeoning artists’ shows as well.

I will be conscious and humble. Kind, light and fun. Never take myself seriously. Take my work and contributions VERY seriously. Life filled with inspiration, rich culture, decadence, highest evolved truths, love and peace.

Fabulous events, parties, dinners, galas, international trips. Experiencing off-the-road, inspired, cultured spaces.

Ignite a love and appreciation for the richness of culture and beauty in the world. Inspire conversation on unity, love, expression and bright becoming.

I will work for Opening Ceremony. I will creative direct some of the most visionary content (videos, photo shoots + fashion shoots) to be considered in time. I will build a network to leverage for the benefit of the community.

Money will never be a consideration. Abundance and freedom will follow me all of my days. Debt will be null. My ideal living spaces and properties will be a reality. I will see Cyprus, Lebanon, Egypt, Morocco, Croatia, South Africa, Thailand, Shanghai, Japan.

Joy and laughter will follow me all the days. The good word of the universe and its promise will be my testament. Gratitude, grace and empowerment will be my unfettered energy. I will love the world first and myself second, always. My community always precedes my own pursuits. My self-worth and growth, love and care will always top the list --> You are a soldier of idealism of the universe. Championing the vision and audacity of future.

Trust. Every. Moment. Connect to hire and recogonize that every moment is a step towards your inevitable breakthrough. Your next height.

The next step is you will be doing event production and creative directing for Opening Ceremony.

[moodofthought]

Cycles of Luvs

So I’ve recently fell into podcasts. When I’m engaging with general monotony, I submit to a bit of productivity, learning and engagement through podcasts.

I recently began The Art of Charm, which has challenged me to reflect on the major love contendors in my life. To take ownership of my failed, past relationships and figure out what cycles I fall into when it comes to choosing someone to love. 

I guess a list can work for now,

1. Somala Diby

2. Heather Phillips

3. Devon McRimmon

4. Lawrence Davis

5. Most recent, which we can honestly sum up into the cyclical format most quick, flings fall into: Brynt Letts

99% of me thinks all of these engagements, especially Heather and Somala lack validity. Firstly, Somala and Heather are women, and secondly those infatuations fell before college, and in Somala’s case before highschool. Even still, I feel a bit of parallel in the general approach I take into my self-fullfilling agony.

Part of me recognizes that I enjoy loving from afar. Somala. I enjoyed more daydreaming about her, idealizing this self-conceived perfection of her and basking in it... And above all talking about it with Tara. Imagining kissing her rather than taking strides to actually do so. Imagining how amazing life would be with her rather than actually pursuing. Part of me didn’t believe it could be real. Which is easy to say. I didn’t love myself enough to fully believe these abstracted conceptions of somala could be given to me. Rather I roamed the fields of fantasy. Which begins my question of did I actually want it. It makes me realize, did I actually want Somala, or did I want my ideal. My romantic folly. I never engaged so, none of it was truly real.

Heather continues this conception that I don’t truly want, or believe that I deserve love. I fell for a girl who was in a relationship and totally obsessed in an un-healthy relationship. I enjoyed listening. Caring. Feeling as though someone in turmoil had me to turn to. That someone else that I had put on a pedastal, specifically her boyfriend, who I ascribed a sense of ideallized desirability... That a girl who vyed for and loved a man I knew to be “it”... That if she wanted him... And that she also considered me, that in this affordance to me, I would be deemed comparably desirable.

I basked in the agony and pain of wanting Somala so much, and then not having her. And then I basked in the conflict of doing so much for Heather and then not being able to have her turn to me. Even if Heather broke it off with boyfriend, came to me... Would my mind fully understand how to process our interaction without me trying to out-do Brian. Prove that I was somehow more desirable and competent than him. Would that be the true color painting our dynamic long after the possibility of them parting ways? I think so. I didn’t want Heather. I wanted to be Brian. He was mysterious, popular, fair-skinned, smooth hair, masculine, dressed like the upper-classmen cool black males, athletic... He was what I was not. Played women. Desired by women. When I had long self-experienced being played, and not desired.

Devon, in the beginning, was physical. He seemed straight. And in being with a straight-seeming gay male, I somehow thought that this would make me less gay. Make me more of a man by desiring a masculine man. It’s funny. I think about this now and find that somehow even more gay? Being only attractive to masculinity. Ha! Nonetheless I truly appreciated the notion of being desired. A boy I found immensely attractive. Masculine. Fresh. And connected to a vibe and a city I was just coming into. I thought this connection. That this man “seeing me” can me a sort of affirmation that made me grossly insecure, conflicted, desperately alone self feel whole.

Catching on to motifs. Maybe. Somala, loved the allure of not getting close. For sure. I also found her fabulous. Cooler than other girls I’d engaged before. Pretty. I wanted it. Heather, her social status. Being able to best her boyfriend. Devon. I loved that I had found a handsome, masculine man that desired me and helped me emote a lot of sexuality I had never experienced. That he wanted me. Often. And fell into the drama with me.

Lawrence was much of the same. He wasn’t a good person. He wasn’t particularly aligned with my sense of humor. I’m not sure, even to this day, how much he REALLY understands me, what I do or why I do it. I did love his face. His energy. His smell. How attactive he was.And became obsessed with the idea that I could not have him. To have such a deeply affirming night where we gave ourselves to eachother so fully, for WHATEVER reason we both did... I ask myself... I asked myself... Why can’t I be affirmed like this every moment, everyday. Why can’t I always feel this way.

And this comes back to my realization of my addiction. I want the swirl. At times I falsely construct scenarios that breed drama, desperation and desire.. Hoping that I will be afforded the passionate enthrallment this podcast summed into the “First Phase of love”. When chemicals are rapid firing in my brain, my obsessin

[moodofthought]

Letter to my Father

Hi Dad,

To this day I don’t know what to call you. So I usually avoid calling you anything. Universe says we should be connected, and that your love and affirmation would make me a more fully-realized man. Mom told me that I had everything I need but these days I’m not so sure.

When I was young I used to fantasize about a relationship with you. Thinking how cool it could be to have a man to love the way I did my mom, back when my mom had the fullness of my heart. I thought how exciting it would be to have someone who saw me. And loved me. And valued my existence. Looked out for me, told me the right things, and was a friend.

This fantasy arrived, and a sought you out. Engaging was friction-filled. I didn’t know what to do, you didn’t know what to do. I felt disconnected and lost. And then you vanished. And avoided me. I remember waiting until 8 PM like you asked, calling you from my mom’s phone... And getting your wife’s answer. Her telling me you were unavailable. I never understood why you never made the time to call me back. Why you couldn’t tell me what was wrong. Why you didn’t want to talk to me anymore. What I did wrong.

I wanted that bond. That idealized bond. And you ran. We engaged again later. To a similar cycle.

I remember moments with you being awkward, and tense, uncomfortable, and feeling very unnatural. I was waiting for you to tell me where you were all this time... And why you were here now. Were you excited to see me?

Today... I forgive you Mr. Simms. I forgive you for asking my mom to abort me. You didn’t see the blessing that I was meant to be. I forgive you for leaving my mom high-and-dry to fend for us both alone. I forgive you for not fulfilling your original roll of protecting me. I’m here, and I am okay. I forgive you for not teaching me the ins-and-outs of boydom and now mandom. I’m here. And I can get a haircut. And can tie a tie two ways. Know how to behave like a gentleman. Can negotiate an offer for work. I learned it. And I believe, the way I was meant to learn it.

I got everything I needed. I am the person I was meant to be. I got all the love and attention that was meant for me. And I express unwavering appreciation to the universe for my lived experience. I am eternally thankful for the shape I form today. I forgive you and more-so myself for allowing disappointment into my heart. I wished and wished you would help support me in ways through college... And I forgive you for not making efforts and not being able to. 

I forgive you for not having the skillset to navigate the mine-field that is my personality. I forgive you for not trying harder to learn. I forgive you for now being able to show me love. I believe you love me. I truly do.

I am you. You are me. There are inextricable ties between our souls. There would be no me... No passion, no life, no dreams for me to experience without you. And for that I love, respect and cherish you. 

I have been so angry. Angry that you’ve done things that have led me to believe I could die and it would not matter to you. That I have no worth or value to the person who created me. And, filter and eloquence aside... That’s some fucked up shit. This world is dark and lonely, and parents ideally shelter you and brighten one’s reality.

Not having you has cultivated an inner strength within me. A light that shines naturally. A confidence built because I had to. A swagger and charisma that just KNOWS. Thank you for your decisions. You shaped me in your own way. And I love me. Thank you.

Life is not perfect. Not ideal. Not a lot of shit. And... In that lies the beauty. I am a special, rare case. I could have turned out so many different, nasty, ruinous ways. And by the grace of the Eternal Truth, I did not. By the grace of the universe I grew stronger, more resilient, more loving, more aware, more passionate... And those are things I need. Things that will take me so far in life.

I want you to rest easy knowing that your son loves and respects you. I apologize for the the things I have said to you out of anger. I apologize for all the words I have said in attempt to hurt and ridicule you. I repent for not having the maturity to cherish you. I repent for questioning and being angry with God’s order of things. I don’t know if a worth-wile relationship is in the cards for us.

And that’s okay. I wish you nothing but health and wellness.

Love,

Your son

[moodofthought]

[moodofthought]

Today I learned to make relationships about exactly what lies between two individuals--moment to moment. Relationships should not be about projecting, assuming, past relationships, emotional trauma, aspirations, expectations... Relationships are relationships. Connections are connections. Vibes are just what they are--vibes. The attributions, ideas, connections that we tie to them mar the existing truth of the real thing... The reality of the relationship.

There is no love at first site. There is no knowing that you will spend the rest of your life with someone. There is the decision to seek those things out. Mutual understandings help. Communication boosts understandings. However, at the very end of it all... All we have is that day to day, those shared energies, and our personal interpretations of it all. And that is immensely liberating.

In that truth... Always be yourself. Do not be shy about your needs, wants and aspirations. Communicate what you are attracting and attracted to. Audaciously press forward and will together those vibes you’ll take. Allow ties, bonds and vibes to flow freely. Allow them to come and go. Love them. Spread and share love unselfishly. All that is yours is your energy and your perception. If you love loving, then love. If you love receiving love then receive it. And then set it free.

The CORRECT energy will enter your life, and it will be there exactly when you need to be. Have faith in that. In the same sense, do not force things away when they come near. Be discerning, be open, be honest. Open yourself to truths.

Do not long for anything. Do not cling to any conceptions of anything. All you will ever have is now. All there is, is now. Do not allow anything, anyone, any longing to allow you to move away from loving your current perception. Love yourself in all time. Every moment remember to love and be generous with your understanding of self, progression, reality, and personal truth.

SHINE. And be colorful in soul. Illuminate that love filled self and perception. Do not be fearful of thoughts, emotions and perceptions that you cannot control. Those that are outside of you. Love, embrace and focus your own thoughts emotions and perceptions. Be deliberate in every moment. Make honest and deep considerations--no need to question your choices.

Take ownership of your decisions. Weight your options and do things from an honest passion, a truth and a a\ love. In a way where you can never regret anything. You did it for love. Own what you choose. Own your reality. 

People will come and people will inevitably go... For your own good. You possess every single thing that you need in order to make the next stride into your greater future--more actualized, focused, successful, joy-filled.

[moodofthought]

I don’t write enough. and i say this enough. I suppose in March 2016 I shouldn’t need that surface explanation to myself. Away with the bull, Damon.

Ayuasaca has been floating around my ether, with a faint whisper... faintly telling me a promise of unpacking all the crap my mind and influence has done to me. For some reason I imagine I’m surpressing some serious truth of mine. I fear I’ve been raped or something. And I don’t know why. 

I’ve argued with my mother before and she’s told me my recollection of the past is inaccurate. I don’t know what that really means. Or if that’s good parenting either way.

There’s no longer love for me at home. No love in my passings, and mornings. The non-existant cooking, or the patience. The considerations or the energy. I am lacking a home reservoir of love, peace and connection. God, I ask for this love. I ask for my realization of the eternal love and experience that already exists in my heart. I pray that I realize it there, and it’s existance so that I may rejoice in its abundance.

I keep hurting myself. In sex especially. Not being safe, and I’ve been to such extreme I ask myself if I truly hate my life. Do I hate myself. Do I want to kill myself. Is it that I want to alienate myself, and to exist a sexual outcast ridden with disease and self-loathing. I dont know. Especially don’t know if I took that elaborate attempt at comfortable prose and try to turn it into something to force guilt onto myself. Because yes, sometimes I care. And I realize how stupid I am. And other times I feel so depleted of something so vital that I’m willing to risk it all.

Why Adrian. Why do anything that isn’t authentic. Stop allowing yourself into ties that are not representative of your kingship. You are a manifestation of the omnipotent ether, elegant, powerful and eternally sublime. Rivet and explode and resist any other explanation. 

You let the uncertainty creep. and when it does call it out and recognize. That is not your SOUL. That is your mind convincing you out of your manifest abundance.

You’re changing and growing, and progressing. You should recognize and be proud. You’re working so damn hard, Damon. You really are. And it WILL pay off for you sir. I know it and I promise it to you. You will be WELL. Look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself often that you are devilishly handsome. Sexy, suave and beautiful. That your soul glows and that you are one of a kind. That you are deserving of love, attention and ears that listen with compassion. That you are intelligent, capable and a leader. That the you DESERVE all the universe has to offer your imagination. And believe it, and flow with it, and allow it, and accept the love when it’s given to you.

Dude, GLOW THE FUCK UP. Seriously. And never apologize. And rock that shit. Connect with people who love this shit. And fuck everything else. LOVE it. LOVE. Good night.