moralsofhistory

[moralsofhistory]

In 2008, the National Toy Hall of Fame inducted a stick.

Moral of the story: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but sticks will be nationally recognized for their ability to inspire creativity in children while many people’s life’s work with the same goal will be largely ignored.

[moralsofhistory]

In 2014, the underfunded Detroit fire department didn’t have modern technology, so their version of an alarm was a soda can filled with screws placed on a fax machine. When they got an emergency report, it knocked over the soda can, and that…was their…alarm………

Moral of the story: You may not have your shit together, but you’re definitely doing better than the Detroit fire department was in 2014.

[moralsofhistory]

Pope Gregory IX basically issued a death warrant for cats because he believed they were incarnations of Satan and/or associated with devil worship. This led to a decline in the cat population in Europe, which led to a surge in the rodent population in Europe, which exacerbated the Bubonic plague and led to a catastrophic (ha) decline in the human population in Europe.

Moral of the story: Don’t fuck with cats. They most likely ARE incarnations of Satan and therefore you will be punished.

[moralsofhistory]

Two dwarves murdered the Aesir’s (group of Norse gods) favorite mortal (who was created from a jar of spit). When he went missing, the Aesir sent a messenger to find him and the dwarves claimed he “choked on his own learning and died.”

Moral of the story: Knowledge should come with choking hazard warnings.

[moralsofhistory]

According to an old Norse myth, Loki and Thor once slept in a cave that turned out to be a giant’s glove.

Moral of the story: Don’t leave your gloves lying around because tiny people might sleep inside them.

[moralsofhistory]

The last pagan king of Frisia (now northern Netherlands) refused to convert to Christianity because he “preferred to spend eternity in hell with his ancestors than in heaven with his enemies.”

Moral of the story: Spending eternity in hell with your family is worth it if it helps you avoid confrontation.

[moralsofhistory]

There’s a record circa 2000-1800 BC of an Ancient Mesopotamian man paying his taxes with 18,880 brooms and 6 logs.

Moral of the story: If you’re short on cash, pay your taxes with fallen tree trunks.

[moralsofhistory]

In a soccer game in 1280, a player was killed after running into another player’s dagger.

Moral of the story: Always sheath your dagger, ESPECIALLY when playing sports.

[moralsofhistory]

Two dwarves murdered the Aesir’s (group of Norse gods) favorite mortal (who was created from a jar of spit). When he went missing, the Aesir sent a messenger to find him and the dwarves claimed he “choked on his own learning and died.”

Moral of the story: Knowledge should come with choking hazard warnings.

[moralsofhistory]

In Ancient Greece, Athens practiced Ostracism: a political process where citizens could exile an individual they thought was growing too powerful or was becoming a threat to their democracy for 10 years by popular vote.

Moral of the story: Clearly we need to bring back Ostracism.

[moralsofhistory]

The leader of Equatorial New Guinea, Francisco Macias Nguema, banned the use of lubricants in the capital’s power plant, claiming he could keep it running with magic. The plant proceeded to explode.

Moral of the story: In most cases lubricants are more effective than magic, unless your intention is to cause a power plant to explode, in which case magic is infinitely more effective. Also: if in any given situation you’re wondering if you should use lube, the answer is probably yes.

[moralsofhistory]

Knife money was a thing, and it’s exactly what it sounds like: money shaped like knives. It was used in China between 600 and 200 B.C.

Moral of the story: Along with time and the root of all evil, knives can be added to the list of things that qualify as money.

[moralsofhistory]

Christopher Columbus and his brother were such assholes that their own colony sent letters of complaint to Spain, who in turn sent a Royal Commissioner to fix it. Mr. Royal Commissioner sent Chris and his bro on a ship back to Spain in SHACKLES. The captain offered to free them, but Chris INSISTED on appearing before the monarchs in shackles so they would feel bad for him. AND IT FUCKING WORKED. The monarchs apologized, freed him, and funded his fourth voyage.

Moral of the story: If you treat people badly and they hate you for it, victimize yourself and powerful leaders will give you money. And, as Taylor Swift has proven countless times, this method still works today.

[moralsofhistory]

Evidently people were buried alive so often in the 19th century that inventors patented “safety coffins” that allowed the person to alert people above ground if they weren’t actually dead. Definitely the best solution to this problem, aside from maybe not burying people alive. Capitalism strikes again!

Moral of the story: When faced with a problem, go the extra mile and make an unnecessarily complicated invention as the solution. Then patent it and exploit people’s fear to incentivize them to buy it. If exploiting their fear doesn’t work, bury some people alive to help kickstart the supply & demand method. Works every time!

[moralsofhistory]

When the Romans returned from France and Germany with blonde slaves, Roman women tried to copy the look by dyeing their hair. But this often resulted in hair loss, so instead they cut off their slaves’ hair and used it as wigs.

Moral of the story: Imitation is the SECOND sincerest form of flatter. If you REALLY want to flatter someone, follow Melania Trump’s lead and steal from them directly.

[moralsofhistory]

One of the most infamous political battles in US history occurred on February 6, 1858 when over 30 members of the House of Representatives engaged in a fistfight over slavery. The fight only ended after one dude pulled off William Barksdale’s hairpiece and Barksdale put it back on backwards, causing “the melee [to dissolve] into a chorus of laughs and jeers.”

Moral of the story: World peace is most likely achievable through exploiting the population’s collective immaturity concerning improperly placed toupees.

[moralsofhistory]

According to various reports, there were only two cars in Ohio in 1895. They crashed into each other. Then there were no cars in Ohio in 1895.

Moral of the story: Two is always better than one, except in Ohio, where it’s incredibly unfortunate.