more-complicated - Tumblr blog

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Adam Zagajewski, “Try to Praise the Mutilated World”, Without End: New and Selected Poems

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You wish you could show them the new world, naturally|but you’re a ghost, and so is their world, and you failed|and you wish they would duet the cicadas|and you wish you could apologize for the things that weren’t your fault|like the half-life of lung mold-lining|moments after the things that were your fault|like decaying in all the other ways, or being a wretched and sinful thing, or failing|but to you the loss was by your own hands|like you died there beside them instead of freeing them too| | |and you made it that way on purpose, naturally|because that’s what cowards do|stupid, fickle and fretful thing|even after the soil reaches well past half-life radioactivity|content to hide forever from consequence|tin-canned love as a vessel for botulism|shameful and sickening|land-locked dry motionless into frozen state|compressed to stress-cracks by the weight of the world. The whole world, spinning, dizzying motion sickness.| | |Narcissus was preoccupied, naturally.|The winged one lunged at horrific mirror mimic Narcissus and it was fair to each when either was cut.|Atlas’ “dying” breath was a gasp in horror and then the burning, rotting world fell with him.| | |Creator shook its head in contempt at the sight of the ghost of Atlas, hiding beneath a pile of long-forgotten recycling like a roach, damned to live eternally with that singular instance of shrugging.

this is beautiful thank you

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heart so heavy

stone in the grass

i turned it over

and everything painful crawled out

i want to put it back

i want to put it back

i want to let what's underneath turn to rot

and the scary things

to stay out of sight.

i turn every stone over instead

i get my festering wounds

exposed to day light

exposed to the rain and the wind

just pouring out this pain

just pouring out my heart ache

until maybe they can start to heal

and maybe the wild flowers will grow there too

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umm how to be a dog by andrew kane. btw.

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I.B. Vyache, “The Rotting Dollhouse” from Conversations Over Sanguinaccio Dolce

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I always want more more than anyone can give most of all myself all I can do is live

I want to raise mountains and rush moats I want to pull at heartstrings and strain throats

I give, I give, I give I take and take and take I want it all to mean something for everyone’s sake

so sing and scream cascade and cry let rivers run let birds fly

I want to be one of them I want it all I want to run as far as I can I want to fall

So please catch me even if I’d like to feel the earth I’m still afraid but not of being hurt

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always concerned how they see me read me out of context twist me til I'm missing it I promise you can believe this It's the end of the sentence.

yes, maybe its carefully thought up always with the consideration ill come on too strong too much, too frank, too right, too wrong

aggressive, is that the word you used? or too rude? I don't often think enough even if I think too much sometimes I'm /nice/ enough and every time /nice/ means nothing gets done

Still, I didn't make it up as some sharp send-off only a statement of fact "I don't want to hear any more of that."

sure, I smile at people so they don't think I'm unfriendly even if I am yes! I add exclamation marks just so you know I'm interested even if I'm not I'm trying really fucking hard, ok? I'm tired, it's all I've got. and maybe I'm a little less than ok

maybe I'm painfully earnest maybe I mean it when I say, "I care too much," or maybe I just don't care enough I say I'm trying my hardest I'm not lying even if I never believe it

please don't read me wrong because I used to be a blank slate one you could project any words on now there are things I put effort to make known

now you make an effort to see my side I can't be the only one to apologize I can't be the only one who cares about holding this together

but why would I care, about keeping the peace? so many words all cheap

at some point I’ll tire of it all you won't see my exclamation points anymore all my faked friendly smiles or my carefully crafted words

you won't see me that's how this always goes

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Heather Havrilesky, How to Be a Person in the World

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i'm like a stray dog in a lot of ways but i will not elaborate on that

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im my own dog

my own owner

my own cage

my own leash

my own hand

i am fastening my own collar

and i am holding tight

just in case i decide to run.

I am trying to be patient with myself.

I am trying to be gentle with myself

even when i scare myself

even when i pull

even when i do something

that isnt good for me.

i try not to yell

i try to make myself understand.

i try to be patient

i am a dog.

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THEYRE NOT GONNA LOVE YOU

EVEN IF YOU TRY TO BE A GOOD DOG

IF THEY WERE GOING TO LOVE YOU

THEY WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY

KNOWING YOU ARE A DOG

instead youll make yourself miserable.

instead you will sit so quiet in your cage

you will never get on the soft furniture

you will stay on the cold floor

and you will stay out of the way.

your teeth will ache in your mouth

and your voice will strain in your throat

but you will not bite

you will not bark

youre a good dog. right?

and you will sit inside yourself

and you will be your own cage

If I were a dog

would you pet me

Would you guide me home

Would you let me

Get my muddy paws

on your lovely car seats

If I were a dog

Would you put a collar on my neck

Chase me if I ran

Tagged me, take no chance

Would you try to keep me

Would you be patient when I bark

Would you be gentle when I whine

Calm when I mess up

Or would you make me learn to beg

To keep my mouth shut

To walk with tail between my legs

Cower when you yell

I dont chew the furniture

I sit in my cage and I'm still

I'm a good dog

Would you love me if I was a good dog?

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If I were a dog

would you pet me

Would you guide me home

Would you let me

Get my muddy paws

on your lovely car seats

If I were a dog

Would you put a collar on my neck

Chase me if I ran

Tagged me, take no chance

Would you try to keep me

Would you be patient when I bark

Would you be gentle when I whine

Calm when I mess up

Or would you make me learn to beg

To keep my mouth shut

To walk with tail between my legs

Cower when you yell

I dont chew the furniture

I sit in my cage and I'm still

I'm a good dog

Would you love me if I was a good dog?

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I want the pain to be gone

To grow away from it

Instead ive grown around it

Like a tree grows around an object

Until it becomes the core of me

And even if the pain gets smaller and smaller

What is going to fill up that space

Or will I just have

A rotted hole

Inside me

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I just want this hurting to be over

I just want to have grown past it

But it's still here

All the time right now

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I'm so afraid of children because I dont want to be a person who has any sort of impact over how they grow up and how they feel. And im just so scared of hurting them

I dont ever want to be the reason a child hurts it scares me so bad I can't. I just hurt so bad and I dont want to be the reason someone has to carry that pain around for the rest of their life.

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So why is it ive learned

The only thing im good for

Is being hated

Being the center of the problem

So much that I just /need/ to solve them

You cant tell me anything

Without recieving advice

About some optimistic way to fix it

Even when in my own life

Im saying "ok." I'm pounding my fists on the steering wheel

And saying maybe I just shouldnt go.

I cant fit in with the men or the women

And thats about everyone to them

The ladies and gentlemen.

The one or the other then.

I'm pathetic and I'm threatening

I'm disgusting and I'm weak

I'm I'm I'm.

Thats all I can think about

I think about how I dont want to touch them

For fear it might actually mean something to someone

For fear it might actually make an impact

Leave a lasting impression

I want to go

And I want to leave

no footprints

I want to ghost along a name in someones life

A memory that cant be tainted with new ones

But I never thought they liked me in the first place

So I stay away