morespinethanrib - Tumblr blog

[morespinethanrib]

I’m so fucking beat, but I got a homegirl that holds me down.

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Naturally chaotic

Things have slowed down for the better. There aren't any momentous high points that I expect with my day-to-day work. The amount of disruption is reasonable and to an extent, I enjoy the banter. During non-peak, non-busy hours, I have time to focus on business tasks and let my mind process things. There's peace in folding wrapping paper and testing my 10-key skills at the service counter.

The remainder of energy I have left is still plenty, despite the fact that I usually arrive home in the late evening. I catch up on text messages that may require emotional energy to respond. I try to FaceTime friends that I don't have the luxury of seeing, but to no avail; it happens. I usually find myself getting texts about 'let's hang out some time,' but it's so difficult to coordinate schedules. Sometimes, it's just easier to send love through social media channels. It is what it is.

I usually spend my days off alone or catching up with others. I prefer getting out of my home bubble to explore my personal interests, i.e., experience the tangibles, and cultivate relationships that I've chosen to have. I haven't gone home in a while, nor have Gabe and I spent much time together outside of the house, but I just need to be selfish for a bit. Things aren't perfect in the way that our time is realistically spent, but there's a mutual understanding to respect each others' space - which I genuinely appreciate. While I still make impulsive decisions, they're intuitive. Live for the nuance.

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A few days ago, I was 8/10 and almost having a panic attack at 5am. Today, I’m back home with the folks and it’s likely that I’ll be up past midnight. I’m knee deep in onboarding and it’s been a weird time diving off the deep end and into a different career path. Gabe reminded me that this is supposed to be fun, and while the social aspect and camaraderie is, the amount of operational work that happens behind the scenes of keeping a brick and mortar storefront running is no joke. Like, second guessing locking the front doors because I’m used to someone else doing it is not a fun time.

But here I am in the dark, removed from my distracting cat-hair littered home, away from my favorite person to hug, and back under my parents’ roof. I’m reminded of where I had outrageous hopes and dreams of being a version of myself I could never fathom. Every time I stay over, I never sleep in my room. It was a place of confinement boiling with anxious energy and a war room for scheming. The energy is frankly toxic, but I visit to remind myself of where I came from and how far I’ve come. It’s also a place I spent curled up with Siopao so it’s really just a space of memory.

I haven’t been able to plan a trip somewhere with Gabe and I, let alone a trip for solo travel, but it’s on my list. I’ve been occupied with staying on my toes with work, but I still have adventures to look forward to—soft era dreams to fulfill. I took a fat cut to my income with the career switch, but it’s forced me to be intentional and feel through where my heart really lies. I’d like to continue to experience the world by myself and with my loved ones, take amazing care of the kitties, and continue to create and expand our home. I’m so grateful for where I am in life, even though I still have moments of being a stress ball. Things have been unraveling so beautifully.

My mom came to me this evening to ask me to tell her a story and I told her several. My dad kissed me goodnight because he didn’t know if I’d leave before he’d get back from work. I sent a photo to my family group chat so I could show my brothers what my parents and I did today (when I my parents checked out Goodwill and found a $7 wooden chair). While the physical space of my own room doesn’t give me the best memories, home is truly where the heart is. I’m just here to feel through everything with my heart.

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Learning curve era

I successfully closed my second evening alone. Inevitably, there were some hiccups. I dealt with a biometric user issue I spent 10 minutes troubleshooting, followed by a second-time experience using a separate tool I had trouble logging into. This was probably the most I've perspired during a shift in the shortest amount of time. My colleagues are honestly the sweetest and most supportive people I've ever worked with though.

This whole thing makes me sit and think about my level of anxiety though. I don't have the same feeling of impending doom I used to have while working in tech. There's a reasonable amount of stress that doesn't have me feeling on the defense because there's a lot of learning on the job within an expedited time period. I have a small binder clip's worth of documentation that I page through daily to support my visual learning, but the kinesthetic part truly comes with practice. I never realized how many different rituals a retail store had.

So here I am, going in head first. I'm doing my best to keep the ship balanced.

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My anxiety levels are significantly lower since I left my tech job. I still have some loose ends to tie up, but I definitely don’t miss the work. It’s been an interesting transition having to focus attention on new things and change a few habits that are pretty reasonable like wearing comfortable shoes since I’m on my feet at least 8 hours a day, shortening my manicures because I have to count money, and bringing a lunch because I don’t want to be on my feet during break. The bar is a lot lower, but that doesn’t decrease the value of work ethic. This is an opportunity for me to reset and work smarter.

It’s pleasant to be off on weekdays. I get to run my own errands and have my alone time. I love spending time with Gabe, but different schedules allows us to take care of errands for one another and reasonable physical distance + time to miss each other. I enjoy adventuring in Oakland, building rapport with my nail lady, taking the bus when it’s easier than walking, and enjoying the East Bay weather. I didn’t take advantage of that when I previously lived in Oakland because I was consumed by work.

I’m still iterating on my routine, but I know that what I’m doing gets me out of bed, it gets me excited knowing I’m going into The City, and it makes me happy seeing others happy. I’ve needed this kind of positivity in my life and I’m convinced it doesn’t have to come with a tech job and a lucrative salary. Life is short, so why not have fun?

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So much love this weekend ☺️🧡

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Walking into a new season bb. LFG!!

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The beauty of choosing myself is my own peace. I’ve silenced the competing voices of what I should be doing. It’s not about being satisfied, but about being content. I’m exactly where I should be. The kindness I practice with myself should be nothing short of genuine.

It’s hard to be honest with myself about how I feel. It’s easy to shortcut emotional processing when I keep myself busy. I took this trip to LA to get far enough away from home and mentally reset. After sitting down with friends, I realized that my decision to walk away from my career didn’t require much explanation and that I found something else I’d rather spend my time and energy doing. I’m convinced that my happiness is something I deserve, not something earned through achievement.

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Doing a 180

Gabe receiving his job offer was the catalyst for a crazy week. I submitted my two weeks' notice, I was asked if I'd be interested in transitioning to contract work, and the wheels at Aritzia are turning for full-time opportunities. We've barely gotten into the month, but it's been several months of calculated risk. I've been contemplating leaving my role and the ducks have finally been lined up. The week Gabe starts, I'll wrap up working in tech full-time, and my mom will retire after 50 years at her job. Thank God.

Stability, especially financial stability, is a boat one wouldn't consider rocking. Privilege plays a role in my equation, but my introspection and intuition are the natural winds that gradually become turbulent if I'm not true to myself. I've been a UXR practitioner for a decade, but growth in this field necessitates an updated portfolio and choosing between climbing the ladder as an IC or moving into management; neither of which I'm currently interested in pursuing. Further, working at a startup inherently carries high risk, so being around this energy at this stage in my career is the best mix of disruption for me to reconsider my trajectory. Let's not mistake complacency for stability.

In the meantime, let the wholesome times roll with family and friends.

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Still on this sprain bullsh*t

Hello world. I'm coming to you live from my corner of the orange couch. It's past midnight and I can't quite get over the afternoon surprise I received during the tail end of my last meeting. The day started normally, but I rolled out of bed to the sound of jackhammering. I unfortunately don't expect much peace in this space, but this is the norm.

As always, I quickly experienced a feeling of anxiety when I opened my closet to choose what I'd wear to the office. With so many options, I start styling an outfit I haven't tried before. I felt particularly adventurous today in a slip skirt, open-toed heels, and mesh socks. I threw on a scarf because I usually get cold. Then, I left.

I got into the office knowing it'd be barren, but Joyce and I held it down in our corner. More often than not, I don't operate at 110% anymore. In previous iterations of my life, this would be unacceptable. However, I operated at 80% and it worked out well. I've been spending a decent amount of time thinking at a higher latitude of UX research and it's been quite the exercise.

When there's a window of growth or opportunity, I'll take it. My level of enthusiasm is reasonable, but it's OK to be jaded at this point in my career. I'm still operating at 80% capacity with a sprained wrist from December ...

All of this droning on to say that Gabe texted me with an image of a broken key in front of our apartment door. I called a locksmith and he got in without having the lock replaced. We went to dinner afterward and it was a pleasant evening.

I'm tired though. I have a conference to attend virtually tomorrow. It's already the end of the work week. I really need a vacation dude.

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Perfect is the enemy of good

Old habits die hard. I avoid new challenges at all costs not because I can’t do it, but because my anxiety is so stifling. It’s been a difficult week and I’m reminded of the time I struggled analyzing 1,000+ survey responses for my first quantitative research project. The thought of staring at my laptop with multiple tabs and windows open is a reflection of my mind—scattered in multiple places with no time for browser organization. I feel like crying, but I don’t have time to process the overwhelming emotions and I’ve already wasted my time and energy being paralyzed.

Although I’ve had to pause my time at Aritzia, I’m happy to report that I’ve been able to maintain those relationships. The “not my 9 to 5” aspect is low pressure. My colleagues provide me with a sense of belonging and empathy that I realize I don’t give myself (which is most days). This hiatus has provided me space to remember that I can just be me in this particular environment. I just need to come as I am, the only decision I have to make is what outfit can I wear that I haven’t tried yet (without adding new things to my closet).

I’m not good at sticking to daily routines, but there are things that more free time has allotted me. Gabe and I have made better use of weekend plans together. Circumstances may change in the near future, lazy days are always ok, but exploring new places and new experiences nearby have been a delight. I’ve been able to see my parents and not feel rushed. It’s about adding things on the calendar to look forward to later.

I can always have the best intentions and a good heart, but struggling is part of the human experience. Introspection helps put things in perspective.

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I already miss my Aritzia co-workers

Gabe’s mom was my last client on Sunday

It’s fun to hang out with co-workers outside of work

I don’t remember the last time I went to a house show—but now it’s last Saturday

I’m glad that I have my weekends and most of my weekday evenings back

Project management using digital tools can be satisfying and frustrating at the same time

Gus has been doing well since he got back from the dentist

Why is it already the end of February?

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I visited my parents yesterday. We had a fun KBBQ lunch - it was their first time cooking marinated meat over a hot grill at the center of our table. My mom was familiar with hot pot but had no idea she'd be cooking her own lunch. I helped print ~100 photos from Gabe and I's wedding and my family trip to Europe, but Target's photo site had a terrible UX experience, which made me extremely frustrated. I took a nap and slept through Super Bowl halftime. I woke up, watched through OT, and felt the L for the 49ers.

Gabe went home today to spend time with Hova. Aging pets are hard to care for when it comes to health issues. End-of-life care plans slap you in the face and grief is an uncomfortable process that usually accompanies thoughts of death and dying. I'm glad Hova is doing better, Gabe's with him, and continuing to learn to be present.

I put in my two weeks at Aritzia. UX Research work is plenty to focus on at present. I'm sad that I'll be leaving, but there's more energy I need to contribute to straddling the tactical and strategic levels of my work. I can't believe it's been 9 months in retail - it's been a fun run. I'm sure I'll have more to reflect on when I have my weekends back.

Just not trying to lose myself along the way. It's a weird time right now, but I'm doing my best to navigate amidst the noise.

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Thursday

I got ready to head to the office this morning, but my Lyft driver canceled because the streets near our place were flooded. I tried to be as productive as I was yesterday, but yesterday's momentum in the office was unmatched. I believe in second chances, so I requested a Lyft in the afternoon to catch my power shift at Aritzia and it all worked out. I took my last meeting in transit and had less than 30 minutes to spare before I started selling. It was a slow evening.

Things are going. There hasn't been anything notable and sometimes I don't know what to do when I don't have a trip planned, there isn't a huge presentation to prepare for, or there aren't any new things I've planned on trying in the near future. There isn't a need for a sense of urgency, but I feel uncomfortable because it's not something I'm used to. I remind myself that these quiet moments are a by-product of the "success" I've worked toward and the "obligations" I've turned down. Life's all about choices and as I process this a bit slower, I'm happy with how things have turned out.

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Bend but don't break

We had our team offsite on Thursday and Friday. It was the perfect balance of hard work and play. Work is never perfect, but the team you have makes it all worth it.

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The tail end of construction 🦺 🐈

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The atheist and the agnostic from Catholic HS.