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[morethanmama]

The last time

Every mom has said it whether you mean it or not. This is the last time... This is the last time that I'm going to tell you to put on your shoes. Okay, but this is the last time I'm going to read this story. This is the last time I'm going to ask you to go to time out. This is the last time.... I've been saying that a lot lately. Partially because I am exhausted and don't have the willpower to follow through with a consequence the first time my kids don't listen. And partially because my kids are at the age where when they find something they like it MUST happen a bazillion times in a row. I was beginning to feel drained. I was annoyed. Why do I have to keep saying and doing things over and over and over? Then, there was a moment. A "huh, I haven't had to do that in a long time" moment. In that moment, I realized that there really will be a last time. A last bottle A last binky A last wet slobbery toddler kiss A last milk drunk baby snuggle A last middle of the night nursing session A last time I will buckle the 5 point harness A last stroller ride A last swaddle A last time I will carry the infant carrier A last first rice cereal A last first step A last first word A last first day of school A last goodnight kiss They won't be little forever. Everything eventually ends because we are always changing. Everything is a phase. And while I will celebrate the last time my toddler bites me, I will mourn the day when I put my little boy down and never pick him up again.

[morethanmama]

Holding My Rainbow

My rainbow. A special gift from God. A personal revelation that God keeps his promises, that God is sovereign, that God loves me. They are the calm after a storm. Rainbows are beautiful, but fleeting. They only last for moments. That is why I hold my rainbow. The storm. About a year ago, my husband and I were graced with another child. We saw the positive pregnancy test and were elated. Our family was growing. We talked about how amazing it would be to meet our newest little blessing. However, we never did. We lost our third child around 14 weeks gestation. Our home was filled with devastation. My husband and I mourned our loss with our two older children. I cannot describe the pain that comes with losing a child. It is something I would not wish on my worse enemy. My rainbow. God blessed us with another child just several months after our loss. We were overjoyed, yet terrified. A miscarriage stays with you. Thankfully, our little girl thrived. She was born healthy and happy almost a year to the day of the loss of our third child. She is our rainbow baby. Rainbow babies are a coined term for a baby born after a miscarriage. The calm and beauty after a storm. With our first two children, I listened to the advice of others. They told me that my sons needed to get used to sleeping by themselves. That they needed to get used to time without mommy. I laid them down for naps in their beds. I cherished the snuggles with them, but also tried to make sure that they learned to sleep in their beds. With our daughter, I cannot bring myself to lay her down sometimes. It takes several tries to bring myself to let go. Losing our third child made me realize that this time with my newborn is a blessing. I was never able to snuggle a sleepy baby because our third was gone too soon. I saw my older two children becoming little boys who didn't want to snuggle with mommy anymore. I finally understood that my baby would eventually be gone. She would turn into an independent toddler, a little girl, a preteen, a teenager, and finally an adult. I have lost three babies. Two are alive in memories and glimpses within their growing faces. One is alive in Heaven. My daughter will only be this little for moments. She is a rainbow. A fleeting picture of God's love for me. I will hold her and cherish her sweet baby smell as long as I can. So when you tell me to put my daughter down, I will smile but tell many times tell you no. I will hold my rainbow while she is still little. And love every minute.

[morethanmama]

What 'Open To Life' Means to Me

Before I became Catholic, I thought being ‘open to life’ meant to be irresponsible and have as many babies as possible. I saw those big Catholic families and frowned. I thought they were messy, loud, and poor decision makers. I thought I knew better. I thought that they needed a lesson in family management. I was wrong.

When I converted to Catholicism, I went through Natural Family Planning classes. I began to learn about my body and my natural cycles. I knew more about my own fertility than my friends. Most of which were on birth control pills to “control their cycles”. The more I learned, the more I understood about my own premenstrual symptoms. I no longer needed birth control to control my PMS. My doctors now gave be better advice and better treatment.

I married my husband, who was also Catholic and open to life. However, we were in graduate school and living in campus housing. We could not financially afford to care for a baby on two student stipend salaries. At that time, being open to life meant using natural family planning to avoid pregnancy. We would have loved and accepted a baby had it been in God’s plan. But, it wasn’t. We used my natural fertility cycles to avoid pregnancy and spent three years completing our Master’s degree.

In my last year of school, my husband began working. We felt that financially we could afford to care for a baby. We wanted our family to grow. We made the decision to begin our family. Two days later we had conceived our first son. He was due on my graduation day. I received my diploma from the comfort of my couch while snuggling my first baby.

Three months later, I began my clinical fellowship year to receive my medical accreditation. My husband and I felt that this accreditation was an important step in my career. We also wanted to give my body some time to heal. Therefore, we again began using my natural cycles to avoid pregnancy.

When our first son was seven months old, we had begun talking about the timing of our next child. We wanted our children to be close together, but were not sure if we were quite ready for two babies. However, we had no reason to wait other than nervousness. We were financially stable, had good jobs, room in our house, and a desire for more children. Two days later, we had conceived our second son. He was born a week before I received my medical accreditation. I opened the letter from the credentialing board while nursing my second baby.

Have two children under 18 months is rough. I am not going to sugar coat it. I cried from stress several times. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. Those double baby snuggles live in a special place in my heart. That first year was a roller coaster of ups and downs. But to this day, those little boys do everything together. People have asked if we make special time for each of them. I just say that they won’t let us. They cry when their brother is not with them.

Because we were mentally and emotionally stressed, we began using my natural cycles to avoid pregnancy again. We waited quite a bit longer to discuss our third baby. By that time, I had gone to very part time to be at home with our sons during the day. When our second son was two and our oldest was three and a half we felt we were ready again.

We began trying again, thinking that we would conceive quickly again. However, it did not happen that month or the next. Or even the next. Finally, I had a feeling that I was again pregnant. However, we experienced an early pregnancy loss that month. We were in shock. I was about 4 and a half weeks along so we did not tell anyone. We just began trying again.

We conceived again a month and a half later. My husband and I were so happy. Our sons were excited and decided that they were having a little sister. We brought them along to the sonogram at 8 weeks and they were able to see our little one’s heart beating along with us. We could not wait to watch our family grow one more time.

However, at 12 weeks we lost our fourth baby. I had begun bleeding and we ended up in the ER. The ultrasound tech could not find a heartbeat. We were devastated. Losing a child is the most difficult thing a person will ever experience. At that time, being open to life meant respecting life. We made sure that the body of our little one was treated with dignity. She had a proper burial and a funeral at a local cemetery for unborn babies. It has taken us over 6 months to feel ready again to begin trying for another baby. We are both scared to try, but we still have the desire to grow our family.

Now when I see those big Catholic families, bursting at the seams with children, I feel a pang of jealousy. When you look at our family, you see a mom, a dad, and two little boys. However, I ache for you to also see the two babies that we lost. I want you to look over and wonder, “What were they thinking?” Because I would take all the noise, mess, and crazy that comes with a big family to have my babies back. I want more children and pray that God will provide. However, being open to life doesn’t always mean you have a big family. Sometimes it means your get pregnant in two days. Sometimes it means you have two children in diapers. Sometimes it means you wait three years until you can care for a child. Sometimes it means you sob for days after your daughter’s funeral. I am open to life, whatever that may mean for our family. Our situation changes daily, but through it all I will trust that the Lord is sovereign and will provide.

[morethanmama]

To My Future Teenagers

Today, we spent a wonderful morning at our neighborhood park.  The slides, the swings, the play-set.  It is all so magical and fun for you.  You could spend hours here.  I want you to remember this feeling.  I want you to remember how much you loved playing at the park when you are teenagers.  I want you to remember the feeling of joy from simply swinging when your not yet grown body is surging with grown-man hormones.  I want you to remember what it felt like to slide as fast as you could, to swing as high as the sky, to dig a hole in the sand all the way to China.  I want you to remember.

Because one day you will be a teenager.  One day, you will look at a park completely differently.  You might see it as a way to express your independence.  You might see it as a way to rebel without being caught.  You might see it as a place to experiment with cigarettes or alcohol.  You may see it as a place to dispose of the evidence. You might see it as a place to spraypaint disgusting artwork and naughty words that your three year old self would disapprove of.  Remember.  Remember how much you were confused by the dirty pictures.  Remember that we had to go home early because mommy didn’t need you to learn about the human body in that manner.  Remember how hurt you were when someone destroyed your favorite toy?  The alligator that rocked back and forth?  Remember?  

Today was a blessing.  Today you were young.  Today you enjoyed being outside and playing with your brother.  Today was good.  But you are not the only three year old who will ever play at this park.  There will be more coming every day.  Those children deserve a park to play at as well.  They deserve to have a day as wonderful as today.  They deserve to remain young.  To not have to slide down a slide covered in dirty pictures.  To play in sand not littered with cigarette butts.  To play.  To just be little.  Remember.

[morethanmama]

I woke up old today

Yesterday, I was 18. I was headed off to college. I was about to meet the love of my life. The man who would become my husband and the father of my two adorable sons. I was young. The biggest concern in my life was what shoes to wear. I thought 25 was old. I thought 30 seemed ancient. Over the hill. 

Today, I woke up old. I looked at my life and it just hit me that I am no longer young. Some how years have slipped by. I am no longer a care free child. I am a wife, a mother, a business owner. By my 18 year old standards, I am old. I am over the hill. But I feel like my life is just beginning. I feel like I am just getting started. I see that 18 year old version of me as a baby. Like a toddler who thinks they know everything. 

Age is in the eye of the beholder. One day I will wake up and be 40, 50, 90. Each time I will take a look back at my life. Each time I will realize how young I was and how old I am. Each time I will appreciate what I used to be. And each time I will love what I am. Getting older doesn't have to be a bad thing. In my experience, everything gets better with age.

[morethanmama]

20 Unconventional Baby Shower Gifts

1.  Dust Buster

Children are messy.  If the mama-to-be does not own a dust-buster, she will be eternally grateful for the gift when her tiny baby turns into a food-flinging toddler.  That dust-buster will be her go-to kitchen appliance.  

2.  Wipes

Okay, these are definitely traditional baby shower gifts, but no mom will ever turn down wipes.  A seasoned mom can clean her children and her entire house with a package of wipes.  They are like gold.  

3.  Massage

Prenatal massages are amazing to ease the pain of carrying baby all day.  Post-natal massages are great to ease the pain of labor and carrying baby all day.  Any mama will be ecstatic to get an hour of relaxation before or after baby.  

4.  Toiletries

I am  not talking about baby lotion or baby shampoo.  I am talking toiletries for mama.  In those first few months after baby is born, mama is only going to be thinking about her baby.  She may need you to think about her.  Shampoo, conditioner, bubble bath, good-smelling lotions, body wash, nail polish.  She is going to need some things for herself.  

5.  Manicure/Pedicure

See above.  Mama is going to need some time to feel like her old self.  It can be easy to get wrapped up in being mom.  You need to let mama know that she can take care of herself too.

6.  Lingerie / PJS

Middle of the night nursing can be made so much easier with comfortable PJ’s.  Pajamas that allow easy access for baby and are comfortable enough for mama will make that 3 am feeding a little easier.  

7.  Food

Cooking is going to be the last thing on mama’s mind when she brings home that bundle of joy.  You may think that all a newborn does is eat, sleep, and poop.  However, it is amazing just how hard it is to get a meal prepared when taking care of a baby.  Think out of the box.  People tend to bring dinners a few days after baby is born.  However, breakfast and lunch are often ignored.  Tell mama that you’ll bring her doughnuts or bagels. Give her a gift card to a coffee place or place that delivers for lunch.  Make several freezer meals for her to stock away.  Make sure she is eating more than just cereal three times a day.  

8.  Earplugs

You may think this is a bad idea.  However, if that baby has colic she/he will cry a lot.  He/she will cry ALL day.  He/she will cry ALL night.  It is stressful.  Mama will still be able to hear baby with earplugs.  It will just turn the volume down a little.  She can rock baby and snuggle baby and walk around the house with baby without going deaf or crazy.

9.  Yoga Pants

Yoga pants are the hallmark of motherhood.  Mama needs to know that it is okay to be comfortable.  She does not have to wear her Sunday best just to be spit up on, spit on, and puked on.  She will appreciate a good pair of yoga pants when she is lounging on the couch snuggling that little miracle.  

10.  Coffee

And lots of it.  Mama is going to be tired.  Mama is going to want to sleep.  Mama is going to be running on fumes.  If you can watch the baby so mama can get some rest, give her coffee.  If you really want to go out of the box, give her a nice coffee maker.  Single serve coffee makers are great for moms.  There is little clean up and she gets a fresh cup every time.  

11.  Netflix

If you have ever had a newborn, you remember just how much time you spend sitting in a chair/on a couch feeding that little person.  They eat every 1-3 hours.  And sometimes you feel like it’s all you do.  Mama will need something to do while she is feeding baby.  She may enjoy looking lovingly into her baby’s face, but sometimes she may also want to binge-watch Friends.  Netflix can be a nursing mama’s key to sanity.

12.  Lanolin

Speaking of nursing.  Mama is going to be in some pain for awhile as she learns to nurse.  Lanolin is a miracle cream that can easy that pain.  She will thank you for helping ease that pain if you provide her with some lanolin.

13.  Hemorrhoid Cream

Okay, no one wants to talk about hemorrhoids.  However, they are a fact of life and very common after giving birth.  If you can bring yourself to buy it, she is probably going to need it.  And she may not want to go to the store on her way home from the hospital to get it.

14.  Witch Hazel Wipes

See above.  Hemorrhoids are the worst.  

15.  Amazon Prime / Amazon Mom

If you have not heard of Amazon Mom, you need to look it up right now.  It is a service that provides a discount on baby products like diapers and wipes.  It also provides free 2 day delivery.  You set up scheduled deliveries and every month diapers magically appear on your doorstep.  You have to pay a yearly fee to subscribe to Amazon Prime, but it is worth it.  

16.  Toddler Clothes

Mama is going to receive oodles of baby clothes.  Size newborn-9 months, she will be set.  Buy her toddler clothes.  12 months, 18 months, Even 2T.  These are the items that no one will buy her.  These are the items that she is going to have to buy in a year or so.  Just make sure that they will be the right season or have a gift receipt ready.  

17.  Immersion Blender

There are a lot of baby food blenders on the market.  However, they require so much clean up.  An immersion blender is the answer.  It requires little clean up and can blend anything into baby food in seconds.  

18.  Batteries

That baby is going to get presents.  Presents that require batteries.  Mama is going to go through packages upon packages of batteries in the first several years.  You may as well give her a head start.  

19.  Maid Service

If you are feeling really generous, you can pay for a maid service to come in during the first few months after baby.  Mama will appreciate the extra help keeping the house clean.

20.  Romantic Pre-Baby Dinner

Mama and Daddy will love a romantic pre-baby night out.  You can give her a gift-card to a nice restaurant.  If she has older kiddos, you could even offer to babysit while they go out.  It is going to be awhile before mama and daddy will be going out again.

[morethanmama]

20 Unconventional Baby Shower Gifts

1.  Dust Buster 

Children are messy.  If the mama-to-be does not own a dust-buster, she will be eternally grateful for the gift when her tiny baby turns into a food-flinging toddler.  That dust-buster will be her go-to kitchen appliance.   

2.  Wipes

Okay, these are definitely traditional baby shower gifts, but no mom will ever turn down wipes.  A seasoned mom can clean her children and her entire house with a package of wipes.  They are like gold.  

3.  Massage

Prenatal massages are amazing to ease the pain of carrying baby all day.  Post-natal massages are great to ease the pain of labor and carrying baby all day.  Any mama will be ecstatic to get an hour of relaxation before or after baby.   

4.  Toiletries

I am  not talking about baby lotion or baby shampoo.  I am talking toiletries for mama.  In those first few months after baby is born, mama is only going to be thinking about her baby.  She may need you to think about her.  Shampoo, conditioner, bubble bath, good-smelling lotions, body wash, nail polish.  She is going to need some things for herself.  

5.  Manicure/Pedicure 

See above.  Mama is going to need some time to feel like her old self.  It can be easy to get wrapped up in being mom.  You need to let mama know that she can take care of herself too.

6.  Lingerie / PJS 

Middle of the night nursing can be made so much easier with comfortable PJ’s.  Pajamas that allow easy access for baby and are comfortable enough for mama will make that 3 am feeding a little easier.  

7.  Food

Cooking is going to be the last thing on mama’s mind when she brings home that bundle of joy.  You may think that all a newborn does is eat, sleep, and poop.  However, it is amazing just how hard it is to get a meal prepared when taking care of a baby.  Think out of the box.  People tend to bring dinners a few days after baby is born.  However, breakfast and lunch are often ignored.  Tell mama that you’ll bring her doughnuts or bagels. Give her a gift card to a coffee place or place that delivers for lunch.  Make several freezer meals for her to stock away.  Make sure she is eating more than just cereal three times a day.   

8.  Earplugs

You may think this is a bad idea.  However, if that baby has colic she/he will cry a lot.  He/she will cry ALL day.  He/she will cry ALL night.  It is stressful.  Mama will still be able to hear baby with earplugs.  It will just turn the volume down a little.  She can rock baby and snuggle baby and walk around the house with baby without going deaf or crazy.

9.  Yoga Pants

Yoga pants are the hallmark of motherhood.  Mama needs to know that it is okay to be comfortable.  She does not have to wear her Sunday best just to be spit up on, spit on, and puked on.  She will appreciate a good pair of yoga pants when she is lounging on the couch snuggling that little miracle.  

10.  Coffee

And lots of it.  Mama is going to be tired.  Mama is going to want to sleep.  Mama is going to be running on fumes.  If you can watch the baby so mama can get some rest, give her coffee.  If you really want to go out of the box, give her a nice coffee maker.  Single serve coffee makers are great for moms.  There is little clean up and she gets a fresh cup every time.  

11.  Netflix

If you have ever had a newborn, you remember just how much time you spend sitting in a chair/on a couch feeding that little person.  They eat every 1-3 hours.  And sometimes you feel like it’s all you do.  Mama will need something to do while she is feeding baby.  She may enjoy looking lovingly into her baby’s face, but sometimes she may also want to binge-watch Friends.  Netflix can be a nursing mama’s key to sanity.

12.  Lanolin

Speaking of nursing.  Mama is going to be in some pain for awhile as she learns to nurse.  Lanolin is a miracle cream that can easy that pain.  She will thank you for helping ease that pain if you provide her with some lanolin.

13.  Hemorrhoid Cream 

Okay, no one wants to talk about hemorrhoids.  However, they are a fact of life and very common after giving birth.  If you can bring yourself to buy it, she is probably going to need it.  And she may not want to go to the store on her way home from the hospital to get it.

14.  Witch Hazel Wipes

See above.  Hemorrhoids are the worst.  

15.  Amazon Prime / Amazon Mom

If you have not heard of Amazon Mom, you need to look it up right now.  It is a service that provides a discount on baby products like diapers and wipes.  It also provides free 2 day delivery.  You set up scheduled deliveries and every month diapers magically appear on your doorstep.  You have to pay a yearly fee to subscribe to Amazon Prime, but it is worth it.  

16.  Toddler Clothes

Mama is going to receive oodles of baby clothes.  Size newborn-9 months, she will be set.  Buy her toddler clothes.  12 months, 18 months, Even 2T.  These are the items that no one will buy her.  These are the items that she is going to have to buy in a year or so.  Just make sure that they will be the right season or have a gift receipt ready.  

17.  Immersion Blender

There are a lot of baby food blenders on the market.  However, they require so much clean up.  An immersion blender is the answer.  It requires little clean up and can blend anything into baby food in seconds.  

18.  Batteries

That baby is going to get presents.  Presents that require batteries.  Mama is going to go through packages upon packages of batteries in the first several years.  You may as well give her a head start.  

19.  Maid Service

If you are feeling really generous, you can pay for a maid service to come in during the first few months after baby.  Mama will appreciate the extra help keeping the house clean.

20.  Romantic Pre-Baby Dinner

Mama and Daddy will love a romantic pre-baby night out.  You can give her a gift-card to a nice restaurant.  If she has older kiddos, you could even offer to babysit while they go out.  It is going to be awhile before mama and daddy will be going out again.

[morethanmama]

A Letter to My Easy Child

You were an easy baby.  You were an easy toddler.  I appreciated your content personality.  You were a breath of fresh air after having a strong-willed first child.  You were a piece of cake.  However, you were also easy to ignore.  I am sorry that I take advantage of your easy-going nature.  I am sorry that sometimes you get ignored.  I am sorry that your brother gets more of me because he is louder and bigger and more demanding.  You are content to play nicely while I take a minute to catch my breath.  You are willing to help me pick up your toys and your brother’s toys.  You are content to let your brother have the toy you are playing with.  You are content.  

I love how sweet and mellow you are.  You remind me of your daddy.  His unwavering calm is one of the reasons I love him.  However, it’s also one of the reasons that he rarely gets his way in his relationships.  He is more interested in maintaining peace than speaking his peace.  I push him to speak his mind and I will do the same with you.  I will push you to move out of your comfort zone.  Peace is sometimes not the answer, especially if it means you get walked all over.  It is okay to break the silence.  It is okay to push the limits.  It is okay to get your way sometimes.  It is even okay to call me out if I take advantage of that easy-going personality.  Tell me when you need something.  Tell me when you want something.  Tell me when you need me.  Tell me when you need attention.  Don’t always settle for maintaining the peace.  Stir it up.  You deserve to get your way.

[morethanmama]

10 Mommy Secrets

1.  I secretly smile when my younger child gets a good shot in.

He gets tackled, bonked, hit, kicked, and thrown around a lot.  It’s nice to see him stand his ground.  It’s nice to see him stand up for himself.  I don’t want to see my older child get hit, but sometimes he deserves it.  

2.  I hide from my children sometimes.

There are times when I just need a minute.  Alone.  By myself.  In silence.  Sometimes, I hide.  To my husband, it may look like I am doing laundry or going to the bathroom.  But I just need to take a minute for myself.  

3.  I love and hate the car cart

Grocery shopping is hell.  Children do not like to be restrained and pushed around a store full of food without being able to grab and eat said food.  Everyone knows that, so some genius decided that the solution was to make the restraint look like a race car.  It can be a miracle.  It can be a disaster.  On the rare occasion that there is a cart available and both of my children sit nicely and pretend to drive, it’s wonderful.  However, most of the time I push this giant monstrosity through the tiny aisles while also holding at least 1 screaming child who decided that driving was just too traumatic.

4.  I love naptime

I love snuggles.  I love story time.  I love mealtime with my children.  I love playing and playing and playing and playing and playing.  But at some point I just want to catch my breath.  I need to do the laundry and the dishes.  Napctime is my time to catch up.  Stay-at-home moms sometimes get chastised for nap time.  To clear the air, nap time is not a time for sitting on the couch, eating bon bons and watching soap operas.  And even if that is what we did, everyone gets a lunch break, right?    

5.  I fantasize about destroying my children’s future homes

My children will grow up and have homes of their own.  When that happens, I am going to walk in, open the cabinets, and throw everything on the floor.  I am going to unfold all of the folded laundry.  I am going to spill milk all over the floor.  I am going to eat Cheetos on the couch and wipe my hands all over it.  I am going to paint a pictures, rub my hands in the paint, and then touch every wall.  I am going to wipe boogers all over everything.  Or, I will walk nicely through every room and just fantasize about doing all of these things.  

6.  There is only so much touching that I can handle

I love my cuddles and snuggles and hugs and kisses when I stay at home.  But that also means being pulled on, pushed, jumped on, and stepped all day.  My children fight over me, and to be honest, I’m not that great.  I don’t understand why I’m the ultimate prize.  They need to touch me ALL the time.  There is a point of no return.  There is a point where I just can not be touched anymore.  That usually happens about an hour before my husband comes home.  I don’t think he fully understands why I cringe when he walks in the door.  I really wish I didn’t.  But I just can’t endure anymore physical contact.

7.  I wish I was more patient

I wish I had more patience.  I wish I had more endurance.  I wish I had more energy.  I see my flaws very clearly, so there is no need to point them out.  I know that I am not a perfect mom.  I know that my children are not perfect.  I know better than anyone just how flawed I am.  

8.  I love my children’s indepedence

I know that children grow up too fast, but I love when I don’t have to do everything for everyone.  I love when I can just tell my son to go potty and he does.  I love when I can set out clothes and magically my son is dressed.  I love being able to give my son a whole sandwich with the crusts on.  Their independence makes my life easier.  

9.  I miss my babies

I love my children’s independence, but I do actually miss my babies.  I miss their baby smell, their baby snuggles, their baby giggles, their baby breath.  I miss nursing them and rocking them to sleep.  I miss the time when they didn’t argue with me.  I miss their utter dependence on me for their every living need.

10.  All the parenting advice is crap.

There are thousands of books and articles and podcasts about the “right” way to parent.  There are nosy relatives who think they know what is best.  There is no one right way to parent.  There are a bunch of wrong ways to parent, but there is no holy grail of parenting.  You have to learn who your child is and what they need.  No one can judge what you are doing if you are trying your best.  No one knows what is working and what is not working except you.  

[morethanmama]

I'm Not Being Inconsiderate, I'm Being a Mom

I am a people pleaser. I hate it when there is conflict in my life. I usually try to bend over backwards to make sure that no one is upset with me, my friends, or my family. However, I became a mom and then became a mom again shortly thereafter. And my people pleasing personality took a hit. I was tired. I was cranky. I was lonely. I was hungry. I was scared that I was going to make some small mistake that would be detrimental to my children. I became hyper vigilant and narrow focused. I am still learning how to be a mom and have a life outside of those little people. But I have determined that there are some thing that I do that may seem inconsiderate but are just me being mom. That I don't need to fret and worry that someone will be mad because I engaged in one of these "inconsiderate behaviors". 

1. Blocking Your Parking Spot 

When it is 90 degrees outside and I am wrangling two tiny badger-like toddlers into carseats, I have the right-of-way.  I have received many glares from fellow shoppers waiting for a parking spot.  I am sorry that you have to wait an extra few minutes to get your groceries or iced latte.  However, I am not going to close the car door and hot box my children so you can park.  I am going to take as much time as I need to safely buckle my children in the car.  

2. Screening calls 

You know who you are.  You are the friend/relative who can’t have a conversation that lasts less than 30 minutes.  Sometimes, I don’t have time to talk to you.  You don’t take the “subtle” hint that I have to go.  You don’t even respond to the screaming toddlers or my direct comment that I need to go.  You keep talking.  Therefore, sometimes I don’t answer.  I want to give you as much attention as I can, so I wait to answer until I have time to talk to you.

3. Not returning calls 

I don’t mean to forget to call you back.  I just have a lot on my mind.  I have about 30 seconds of free time during the day and I usually use that to pee.  I promise that I want to call you back.  I am not trying to be rude.  It just slipped my mind.  

4. Texting rather than calling 

And if I do remember to call you back, I am probably going to send a text.  Texting is so much easier as a mom.  I can send a text in a few seconds and get back to feeding/washing/playing/cleaning/etc.  It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you.  It’s just, again, the best way to give you the attention that you deserve.  If I called you, you would not have my full attention.  When you text me back, I can read it and fully think about what you said.

5. Happy hour 

I want to go to happy hour with you.  I want to socialize.  I would love to be a functioning adult that eats and drinks and dances with other adults.  However, I am asleep by 9:00 every night.  Yes, every night including the weekend.  It’s not sad.  It’s necessary.  I am awakened by 6:00 every morning and several times in the night.  In order to function, I need to sleep.  I also need to feed my children dinner and put them to bed at a decent hour.  I could get a babysitter and I do sometimes, but it’s just not going to happen every week.  

6. Leaving early 

When I do go out, I will likely leave earlier than the childless people.  It’s not that I’m having a terrible time.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy your company.  No.  It’s for three different reasons.  Number one...I’m tired.  I have expended all of my evening energy on adult conversation and I still have to get up in the middle of the night to feed babies and shoo monsters out of closets.  Number two...I have probably used up all of my interesting adult stories.  And you may not want to hear about Thomas the Train, blow-outs, or play dates.  Number three...I like saying goodnight to my children.  I like tucking them in.  I want to snuggle them.  I want to kiss them and read them a bedtime story.  They are only little for awhile and I want to experience it all.

7. Travel 

The road goes both ways.  Childless people have an easier time traveling.  It’s a fact.  If you want to see me or my family, sometimes you need to come see me.  I should not be expected to always drive to see you.  It is an all day event to pack a car full of diapers, toys, children, wipes, snacks, etc. and drive (even an hour or two) to visit someone.  I have to plan around meals and naps.  Then, if by some chance, my children don’t nap well in the car, they will be very very grumpy at YOUR house.  And I will spend the entire visit making sure that they do not break any of your nick-nacks and nice decorations (which are definitely displayed because you don’t have children).

[morethanmama]

My Children Destroyed My Modesty

I was a fairly modest person. Even if I had it, I would not have flaunted it. I have never felt comfortable being looked at in any sexual way. I did not even like being naked when I was alone. Then I had children. And slowly my modesty was chipped away piece by piece. 

I found out I was pregnant with my first child in the winter of 2012. I was able to hide the baby muffin top with baggy sweaters. But that did not stop everyone who knew from looking both directly and indirectly at my stomach. I was on display. I was the incredible expanding woman. Then came the regular visits to my OBGYN, who happened to be a member of my church. This was something that I found out after multiple examinations of my woo-haa. She sat several rows in front of me listening intently to our priest. I sat behind trying not to make eye contact and re-live our way too intimate past. 

As the pregnancy progressed, so did the random touching of my belly and talk of my ever changing body. Yes, my boobs hurt. Sure, they are quite a bit bigger. Um, I guess I look like I am carrying twins. Oh my ass? No that is just from the extra ice cream. Then more meetings with my OB. She measured everything - my weight, the size of my stomach, the size of my cervix. I felt like a prized cow in the county fair. I was so tired of having things wrapped around me and stuck into me. 

Finally, the big day came. I was induced early one Thursday morning. I was lucky enough to experience three nursing shift changes.  This meant at least 5 women I had never met were able to see the inner me. There is no way to be modest while pushing out a big headed baby. That big headed baby tore me a new one - 4th degree tearing. This meant even more people examining my business for the next few days. 

And next came the breastfeeding. The lactation consultants have no problem just reaching down and giving you a good old honka-honka. Even the nurses at the pediatrician's office will assist in anyway possible. And breastfeeding means whipping out those milk makers whenever that little whimper starts. 

Then, that wonderful little miracle began to grow and explore his world. And as his world revolved around my boobs, he thought everyone should also get a peak. I am pretty sure that I have flashed everyone at my church, which was a shock to everyone except my OBGYN who has been there and done that. 

Next up, potty training and bathroom time. My children feel the need to sit on my lap while I am doing my business. They like to pop in while I am in the shower. They have ultimately eliminated any privacy in the house. And so that modest, timid little girl who hated being naked anywhere has died. My children have killed my modesty. I now have the following motto when it comes to anyone looking at my body - Eh.

[morethanmama]

Medicated Mama

This is not a topic that I discuss easily. I am embarrassed at the idea of not being perfect. I am ashamed that I have trouble handling my life sometimes. My life isn’t easy but I definitely don’t have it rough. I have amazing (yet exhausting) kids, an amazing husband, and a wonderful extended family. Yet, I have trouble just getting through the day sometimes.  I am incredibly type A.  I am a perfectionist.  I NEED everything to be perfect, in it’s place, organized, done well.

It started in college.  College is a shock to everyone.  You go from being in a familiar school, familiar town, surrounded by friends and family to being completely alone.  I experienced paralyzing panic attacks.  I wanted to run away but was afraid to move.  All I could do was shake and sweat and cry. I couldn’t handle being around anyone even my closest friends. I couldn’t stand being alone. I felt hopeless. I thought I would always be stuck at the bottom of this dark pit of despair.

I started talk therapy. It was helpful but I wasn’t ready. Talk therapy is like any behavior therapy, you need to want to change. I just wanted a quick fix. I wanted a magic wand to make me happy. I looked for anything that would help me get rid of the anxiety. I looked for distractions. Eventually, I distracted myself enough that I thought I was cured. 

I graduated college and went onto graduate school.  Graduate school came with a fair amount of stress. The stress turned into anxiety, worry, panic attacks, and paranoia. I pushed my friends away. I was sure that everyone hated me and that everyone was mocking me behind my back. I was going downhill fast.

Talk therapy take 2. I was ready to change. I knew that I was the problem. I needed to work on my behavior. I needed to learn coping mechanisms. I needed to learn to relax. I needed to work through previous issues and ghosts from my past. And I did. I made amazing progress. I felt that I could face the world again.

Then I got pregnant. Unless you have been pregnant, you cannot understand the control that hormones have over your body. I was at their mercy. I was overjoyed one minute and sobbing on the floor the next minute. My OB said it was just my body getting used to the pregnancy hormones. And to some extent she was correct. My emotions calmed down for awhile. Until that tiny bundle of joy ripped his way out of my nether region. They call it the baby blues, I call it hell. All you want to do is hold your baby and bask in his sweet angel face, but all you are able to do is cry over not being able to swaddle him correctly.

I pushed through this period (which luckily only lasted a few weeks) and eventually just went through life one distraction at a time. Until I found out about baby number two. Baby number one was only 7 months old and I was pregnant again. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be excited that my adorable little boy was going to have a friend. But I was paralyzed again. I couldn’t do anything. My OB told me again that it was just pregnancy hormones. My family told me again I was just stressed. I knew there was something wrong but I went along with what everyone else thought.

Until I brought baby number two home. I spent 4 days in the hospital after a C-section feeling blue. My OB said that it was yet again just the hormones. I got home and my 16 mo old angel said “mommy up”. I looked at his big blue eyes. I wanted so badly to scoop him up and tell him that I loved him. But I was under strict orders not to lift anything. I looked at him, looked at my newborn, and sobbed. I sobbed for days. My husband told me to call the doctor.

Reluctantly, I called. The on-call nurse said that she could send over a prescription for an antidepressant. I have always been uncomfortable with the idea of anti-depressants. I am stubborn. I want to be in charge of my life and emotions. I felt that anti-depressants were cheating. But I was at the end of my rope. I knew that I could not be the mother that those little cherubs needed like this. I started medication and stayed on it for six months. Those six months were amazing. I was happy. I was focused. I was present in my life. Then, like all people on anti-depressants, my OB suggested I wean myself off. And so I did.

Six months later I was back in the doctor’s office after a week of panic attacks. I was done. I knew that I could not do this on my own. My primary care doctor suggested another anti-depressant. I was hesitant but he assured me that it was okay. He compared depression to diabetes. He said that a person with diabetes may need insulin to stay healthy while they change their lifestyle habits. He said that it would be crazy to deny a diabetic insulin if they needed it. Depression is the same thing. If a brain is not producing enough serotonin, it makes sense to medicate. Medication is not a quick fix. Just like a diabetic needs to make lifestyle changes, a person suffering from depression and anxiety also needs to make changes. And I did.

I have been on medication for another 6 months. I still have episodes of anxiety and depression but they are manageable. The medication muffles them so that I can live my life and face my fears.  I know when I am feeling anxious or panicky, but it’s as though the panic attack is calmed down.  I can use my coping mechanisms and get through it.  I am myself again. I am happy. My children are happy. I am no longer ashamed of my condition. I manage it. I do it for my children so they can have a mom who cares for them and is always focused on them. I do it for my husband so he can have a wife who is always present. I do it for me so that I can experience my life and not just get through it.

[morethanmama]

There is a wrong way to shop with children

[morethanmama]

The Land of Tantrums

Where is this place you ask? Well, the journey is somewhat long. It starts on the Road to Conception. Then, you spend 9 months in a cabin on the Pregnancy Cruise Line. The brochures show happy people who are having the time of their lives. They lie. You will be sea sick, nauseous, need to pee constantly, and forced to share a tiny cabin with a stranger who kicks and stretches and punches you in the ribs. 

Then, you dock at the port of Labor and Delivery. Some people spend days here. Others spend just minutes. Either way, that stranger that you just roomed with for the last 9 months will decide to throw down. They will leave you sore, exhausted, and in an inordinate amount of pain. But somewhere during this epic battle, you fall madly in love with that stranger. They become the only other person in the world. You forgive all of the punching, kicking, tearing, and pushing. You tell them that you will never leave them, always protect them, never let them experience any pain. 

Now you and the love of your life embark on the next leg of your journey. You rent a car and merge onto the New Parent Boulevard. This road is difficult to navigate. There is no map and there are no road signs. You have to rely on your own directional instincts. Although, many people stop and ask for directions. Getting lost is common.  Google will become your new best friend.  But eventually you will learn your way around and feel confident enough to venture onward.  

You, then, drive the short jaunt to Toddler Town. This town is unique. In this town, everyone only knows one word - "no". They all think that they are experts in every field but have no actual knowledge. They fight for independence but are still not skilled enough to function on their own. It is frustratingly ironic. Your journey is almost over. Toddler Town is the last stop before The Land of Tantrums. You just need to hop on the "I Do It Myself" Bridge and you have made it. You are finally in the magical land of screaming, biting, hitting, and kicking. The land where everyone is grumpy and no one sleeps. The land where time out is worse than jail. You have made it. You are here. Enjoy your stay.

[morethanmama]

I Have Never Been so Happy to Be Ignored

My boys are very close together. It has always been my hope that they grow up as friends as well as brothers. For the majority of their short lives they have played next to each other and with me. I have been their best friend. They acknowledged that the other was there but had no interest in playing together. Hugs and kisses were forced and awkward. Until the day when they realized there was someone other than mom who wanted to play. 

I love playing with them but watching them play together is wonderful. The giggles. The screams. The sound of chasing feet. It doesn't bother me that they now choose each other over me. Granted they still love mommy time but they are each other's best friend. The first words out of their mouth in the morning are "where is brother?" 

I won't always be around to be their play partner. They need someone who loves them as much as a mother does. Someone who cares for them and stands up for them and walks with them through life. That is why I have never been so happy to be ignored by my children. They are fostering a friendship that will benefit them for their entire lives.

[morethanmama]

Czar Mommy

Eat you lunch or no milk! Put your shoes away or I'm throwing them away! If you don't listen you are going to bed right now! You rolled your eyes at me, time out! 

When did I turn into a dictator? Heed my wishes or face the wrath of czar mommy. Listen to me and never question my authority. I feel like a tyrant. Sometimes my kids need me to lay down the law. They are toddlers. If the government has decided that they are not of the age of reason to vote, maybe I can also decide they are not of the age of reason to choose M&M's and lemonade for lunch. Kids need structure. Kids need consequences and consistency. But, kids don't need threats. 

I find myself resorting to threats far too often. Do this or you lose that. If you do that again you will go to bed. It is effective but makes me feel like a jerk. I know all the parenting methods where you offer choices, have reward charts, ignore behavior. And I use these things. I am a nice person and I am nice to my children most of the time. But I am also Czar Mommy and it sucks.

[morethanmama]

10 Ways To Get Your Kid To Eat

I have a picky eater.  He will eat hot dogs, grilled cheese sandwiches, fruit, milk, and anything sweet.  I am struggling to get him to eat more variety.  Here are some of the things that have worked in the past.

1.  Milk as Dessert

I have heard that it is physically impossible to drink a gallon of milk without throwing up.  My children would love to take that challenge.  They will drink milk until they are blue in the face.  I have found that if I give them milk with dinner all they do is drink.  However, if I wait to give it to them until they have eaten, they are more motivated to eat.

2.  Put it on Your Plate

Anything on my plate is a treat.  If mommy is about to eat it, they need to try it.  I have gotten them to eat granola and yogurt, salad, rice, meat, wheat toast, and high fiber cereal just because it was on my plate.  

3.  Call it Something Else

Like I said, my son LOVES grilled cheese sandwiches.  He wants one for lunch and dinner every day.  And he would eat them for lunch and dinner every day.  For this reason we may tell him little white lies to expand his palate.  The other day we made cheeseburgers.  He ate them because we called them grilled cheeseburger sandwiches.  He is eating lunch meat now because I tell him it’s a grilled cheese with turkey.  

4.  Hide It

Find ways to hide healthy ingredients.  You can find a lot of recipes that hide vegetables in “unhealthy” sounding dishes - lasagna, pasta sauce, burgers, etc.  We also do a lot of smoothies.  My son will inhale a green smoothie with spinach and kale as long as I add some strong tasting fruit like banana and berries.  

5.  Let Them Dip

Ketchup, ranch, mustard, BBQ, veggie dip, fruit dip - miracle foods.  If my son can dip it, he will eat it.  Truly the sugar content he is getting in ketchup is not close to the nutrition he gets from the meat and veggies he is actually eating.

6.  Praise Your Eater

If one kiddo is eating and the other is not, praise the eater instead of focusing on the non-eater.  The more praise you give the eater, the more the non-eater will want to eat.  Using peer pressure for your benefit.

7.  Praise Your Non-Eater

If your non-eater actually tries something, make a BIG deal about it.  Give lots of praise and encouragement.  Look for the positive.

8.  You Eat It Too

I hate green beans.  They are literally the worst food in the world.  That and mint chocolate.  Whoever thought of that combination was playing a mean joke on society.  However, if I make green beans for my kids, you bet I am going to eat a few.  I can’t expect them to eat something that I will not.

9.  Make it Fun

Mickey plates, Lighting McQueen spoons, happy face pancakes - make it fun.  Turn it into a game.  Time them.  Be lighthearted.

10.  Calm Down

I was a picky eater too.  To be honest, I’m still a little picky.  But, I got over it.  I got older and tried new foods.  I learned the concept of nutrition and changed my eating habits.  Keep giving your kids chances to try new foods.  Keep presenting them with a balanced diet.  They won’t starve if you give them options.  But just relax.  They will figure it out.