morewtrlessfd - Tumblr blog

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i just want to feel better. i don’t mean have some days that feel good and then spiral into a pit. i just want to feel better permanently. i know that all days are not good for everyone. but does everyone really go through times when they want to kill themselves and they fantasize cutting themselves to shreds? i just want to stop going through this. it’s so exhausting.

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february 8, 2023

i ate an actual meal this morning so that i wouldn’t binge later. and i can feel fat formulating and bubbling under my skin. i feel gross. and my body wants to to throw it up but i can’t let it, cause i’m at work and there is no way imma die like cassie from winter girls

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sw : 130 lbs

cw : 126.2

gw1 : 125

gw2 : 120

gw3 : 115

gw4 : 110

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February 03, 2023

i just purged. i puked on purpose using my fingers. i haven’t down this or even attempted to in probably almost two years. i didn’t get everything out of my stomach, but a little bit. idk whats wrong with me. i can’t stay recovered and i can’t even be i’ll right. i couldn’t even throw it all up. i have to run up and down my stairs for as long as possible. omg i’m throwing up in my mouth. pls why

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i cut myself last night. i was almost a year clean and idek why i felt that i had to cut. nothing bad has happened. nothing to cry about. good things have been happening to me. i don’t understand why i’m like this. i was so close to a year. i was so close. and now it’s all started over again

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i don't know what younger person needs to hear this, but it is so valid to not want to drink alcohol at all, or to only want to drink very rarely. don't let others pressure you into joining in with those societal rituals. it is an outrage how normalized drinking alcohol is, to the point that those who choose to abstain are constantly forced to justify their private choices, be publicly questioned about what led to these choices or excluded from activities altogether. you do not ever need to justify your reasons for this. there are absolutely valid and important reasons to not drink, and nobody has a right to know your personal reasonings.

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my legs feel not too bad rn

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reblog this if you started worrying about your weight before you were 16

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Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

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september 5, 2022

a relapse is in motion and i don’t even want to stop it

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I fucking hate food

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I recently relapsed, this is the state of my health.

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Weight Loss Spell (Use With Caution

You'll need:

A bottle of water

Your intention

All you need to do is clear all negative intentions (e.g. I can never lose weight, my metabolism is slow), grip the bottle and say:

" I have a fast metabolism.

It is hard for me to gain weight.

I only eat when I need to be healthy and survive.

I crave only healthy foods.

I get full very easily.

I am naturally thin. "

Then drink the water as you usually would. This works to curb your appetite, make sure to use it very carefully

💖🌿💖🌿💖🌿💖

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my body is NOT. a “”temple””….it is a CLOWN CAR, and NONE OF THESE BITCHES KNOW HOW 2 DRIVE

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please read this

hi. so I hope that people who read this and understand what im trying to say will reblog this cause I feel that it is rly important. 

Whether you have been recovering from your ed ad are just staying here because this is a place where you feel accepted no matter what or your ed is the worst it has ever been, we can all agree that the voice never goes away. its always there in the back of your mind. 

If you are thinking about or have just started having ed habits please seek help. it may seem exciting ad make you feel something. you might feel special, or that this is going to help you feel better. But pls trust me and trust others when they say that none of this is worth it. You get deeper and deeper into this until you absolutely hate yourself no matter what. you'll never feel like you do enough, you'll never feel skinny enough, you'll never actually be happy, even if and when the scale goes down. nothing will ever be good enough. 

you'll be angry and sad all the time. you'll always be worrying about people finding out. worrying about how many calories you've consumed. worrying about if you'll have to eat. worrying about how many calories you've burned and how many you will burn. you'll think about tricks for throwing away food without people noticing. thinking about what you can fake so you don't have to eat. 

your organs will begin to shut down. your body will literally eat itself because it has nothing else to eat or get sustenance from. you could die from this. its not a joke. its very serious. your body will die.

you die or you recover.

recovery is terrifying. its horrible. its embarrassing, and it tears you down for a long time. gaining weight when you're in that mindset feels like the worst thing that could happen to you. people finding out about this is embarrassing and scary. its a mental illness. who wants people to know about a mental illness? its rly scary. 

the feelings of hating yourself and wanting to change your body and not feeling good enough never go away. once you're in it, you can never fully get out. that's how it works. its always there. and you always have to fight it. always. its tiring. its exhausting. 

relapsing may feel good for a while, but when you relapse you get further into it than you were the last time. its difficult to explain, but its like before the emotions were maybe at a 5-10 and then you recover for a while. but then when you relapse the emotions are a 10-15. and it goes up each time. you get better at hiding it. better at tricking others and yourself that you're perfectly fine. everything just gets worse. 

please please seek help and talk to people about what you're feeling because what ive written here is not all of it. there is so much more. so please don't get into this because you won't get out. you won't ever be able to get out. 

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Guess who's back on her bullshit? ME... fan-fucking-tastic    I fasted all day yesterday and have eaten almost 1 cup of tomato soup today which was about 110 cals. DRINK WATER

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Little things…

{{I never want to forget how good it feels to finally be skinny!!!}}

🌺 On Christmas, my cousins asked if I had ever considered modeling. I said no, I’m too short, you have to be like 5'7… They insisted I should at least look into social media modeling!

🌺 A few days later my dad brings it up again, “You know, you really do look like you could be a model!” He’s never said anything like that to me before.

🌺 My mom comments almost every day on how skinny/tiny/little I am now. She used to always talk about how we both needed to lose weight. And now she’s always trying to offer me food, rather than criticizing too many snacks.

🌺 I posted a selfie on instagram and a girl I hardly know commented “omg your bone structure is unreal” … (literally no one has ever said that to me, ever! I didn’t even think I had any bone structure lmao)

🌺 I went for a hike with my brother and I didn’t have any trouble keeping up, didn’t feel tired or out of breath, kept up with the conversation and just really enjoyed the whole thing! I’ve always loved hiking but always used to be the slow one, struggling and holding up the group.

🌺 Skinny legs in leggings! Skinny legs in boots! Skinny legs in leggings and boots and cute layers on top! There’s no words for it but it’s literally my favorite thing.

🌺 Having to wear baggy sweaters with scarves so you don’t look too skinny. (Literally never thought I’d ever have that problem lol.)

🌺 Long blonde hair looks good when it’s messy; I only ever use a tiny bit of makeup; my outfits are cuter and more interesting… It’s easy to get ready to go anywhere and I feel so much more confident about the way I look.

🌺 The best clothes in the clearance section are always XS or S, so you can buy cute things cheaper than everybody else paid for it lol

🌺 Learning to love salads and unsweetened tea!! Tastes so good and feels so healthy!!

🌺 Saying no to junk foods and binges just gets easier and easier tbh. You’re in control and you get in the habit of saying no/making better choices.

🌺 When I try to set my phone on my lap and it falls through my thigh gap… It’s mildly stressful and annoying but in the best way possible! (I usually can’t even manage to clamp my thighs together to catch it, it just ends up hurting my knees.)

🌺 The feeling of walking with a thigh gap… Your legs not even brushing past each other. I feel like dancing all the time!

🌺 You get more drunk off less alcohol. If you get too drunk you know you’re small and cute and your friends won’t have any trouble helping you get home. (I usually don’t drink that much, I like being in control of myself. But a few glasses of wine is enough to get me loose and having a good time!)

🌺 Gaining the confidence to dance in public and be goofy because you know you’re small and cute.

🌺 In general, I’m much less self-conscious about my body and it feels so free. I’m still insecure about my personality and I still struggle with school and there’s all kinds of things in my life that I still need to work on, but it feels really, really good to have at least one less thing to worry about. (At least I know I look okay on the outside even though my life is still a mess lol.)

…

🌻You can get all these results with positive and healthy weightloss methods, and it’ll probably feel a lot better! Eat good food, drink water, exercise a normal amount, and you’ll get there!!🌻